How to Take a Vow of Silence and Why it Matters

This study^{1https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4087081/} suggests that silence causes the most brain and neuron growth of all the sounds in mice.

Silence is indeed golden, and many people choose a vow of silence to go inward or reflect on their communication patterns.

So far, I have spent 10 days in complete silence–those are some of my life’s hardest, most introspective, interesting days. And yes, I highly recommend it.

In this article, we’ll review vow of silence, why they’re awesome, and how to set one up for yourself.

Let’s dive in!

One of four flashcards I used during my vow of silence.

What is a Vow of Silence?

A vow of silence is a commitment to abstain from speaking for a set period. People often undertake vows of silence for spiritual, personal growth, or mindfulness reasons. When you can’t speak for an extended period, it can lead to deeper reflection and awareness of your thoughts and emotions.

A vow of silence could be a day, weeks, or months long.

Quick Guide to Taking a Vow of Silence

We’ll go into more detail later in the article, but if you are considering a vow of silence and want a quick guide on how to execute it, look no further.

1. Get clear on your why
   • Do you want to be more purposeful with your speech?
   • Do you want to go inward?
   • Do you need to be a better listener?
   • Do you want to gossip less?
   • Do you want to make a statement with your vow?
2. Establish your rules
   • Will you be silent all day or just during certain hours? 
   • Will you communicate online?
   • Will you write?
   • How long will you stay silent?
   • Do you want to interact with people during this time?
3. Pick when you want to make your vow
   • Do you want to take a vacation in a hotel?
   • Do you want to do it when you have social plans on the calendar?
   • Do you want your vow to intersect with life logistics and appointments?
4. Create notecards to get by in social interactions
   • “I’ve taken a vow of silence. I’m trying to become a better listener.”
   • “Please tell me about yourself.”
   • “I’m sorry.”
   • “This has been as awkward for you as it was for me. Thank you for trying it with me!”
5. Alert people
   • Set up an email alert
   • Tell friends ahead of time
6. Be intentional with your time
   • Do you want to spend extra time in the woods?
   • More time in meditation?
7. Understand that your silence will impact others.
   • Be prepared for the awkwardness, anxiety, and uncertainty you might stoke in others.
8. Reflect afterwards
   • Write about what you learned
   • Thank those who you interacted with
   • Consider if you want to do it again 

How to Take a Vow of Silence

Now, let’s dive deeper to prepare you for taking your vow of silence.

Clarify your intentions

We have reviewed some common motivations for taking a vow of silence above. But if you do choose a vow of silence, it’s crucial for you to get very clear on what you want to get out of it.

Action Step: Write out your intentions on a piece of paper.

• “I want to take a vow of silence because…
• What I hope to get out of it is…
• What I’ll bring into this experience is…”

Your Rules

Everyone does vows of silence differently. You have to know what works for you based on your why. 

If you are trying to stop gossiping and find that you gossip most with friends during the day, maybe you go silent in those areas of your life. If you are trying to self-explore, you might want to pair your vow with alone time so you are not distracted by others.

Go through these questions:

• Times of Day? Some people are silent just during the day and speak at night.
• Online or Offline? Some people do digital vows of silence and go quiet on social media and email.
• Writing and Speaking? Some people stop writing AND speaking.
• How long? Do you want a day of silence? A week? A few hours? Some people set a time limit to be silent; others keep their vow for as long as necessary. On my first vow of silence, I said I would only start speaking again when I stopped being afraid of the silence. For me, that took 6 days! I just wanted a reminder of that feeling for my latest vow of silence and set the vow for 2 days.
• Where? Do you want to interact with people during your vow to force you to listen, or do you want to be alone so you can be introspective?

Decide on your rules before embarking on your journey.

Special Note: Some people want to still write during their vow of silence. I think journaling and taking notes on your experiences is awesome, but writing notes to others is still a form of speaking. One of the best parts of the vow of silence is being completely introspective and not focused on what you will say. If you can simply write out your answer, it defeats the purpose. In fact, you might spend even less time listening or being present because you are furiously writing notes to people.

Timing

Once you’ve done some soul-searching to find why and figure out your boundaries, you have to get down to the nitty-gritty planning. I take a Vow of Silence every year and have learned that the right planning can make your vow easier and help you focus on what matters. 

It’s important to pick a time conducive to being silent–which depends greatly on your goals. 

Here are some of the tips I have picked up along the way:

• Silent Vacation: If you want introspection, you might want to go to a retreat or hotel and tell the staff about your vow beforehand.
• Social Calendar: If you want to be a better listener, it’s best to have events or social plans on the calendar where you can practice the art of listening. One-on-ones are hard because you can give no feedback at all, and it puts a lot of pressure on them. I like 3 or more so you can listen and be supportive but only force one person to do some talking.
• Day to Day: Some of the day-to-day stuff can be the hardest on a vow of silence–ordering coffee, picking up a prescription, etc. Try to pick a time with fewer appointments and errands if possible–unless that is part of your challenge!

Logistics

I don’t allow myself to write on a vow of silence, except for 4 notecards I print and carry around with me.

The notecards I use say:

1. “I’ve taken a vow of silence. I’m trying to become a better listener.”
2. “Please tell me about yourself.”
3. “I’m sorry.”
4. “This has been as awkward for you as it was for me. Thank you for trying it with me!”

I have found that these 4 are just enough to get by and stimulate conversation (remember, mine is all about being a better listener). 

Do you have a few standard phrases you think will be important? As long as your goal isn’t to personally make communication as hard as possible, printing up a few standard phrases can make it easier so you can focus on your real goal.

Here are a few ideas:

• “I’m thirsty. May I have some water, please?”
• “How are you today?”
• “I need help with something. Can you give me a hand?”
• “Thank you so much for your understanding and help!”
• “I am currently observing a vow of silence. Thank you for respecting this.”
• “Can you please direct me to [blank space to write destination]?”
• “I’m sorry for any inconvenience. Your patience is greatly appreciated.”

Alert People

Before embarking on your vow, let everyone know. It’s also important to get buy-in from the people you will burden–your spouse, kids, and colleagues. Make sure they are onboard. Specifically:

• Set an email autoresponder.
• Tell your co-workers and friends; otherwise, they will text you and wonder why they don’t hear back (sorry, Christian!!).
• Change your voicemail (if you still use one) so people don’t expect a call back.

Prepare Special Activities

Being silent is a truly amazing and unique experience, and you might want to try some amazing and unique activities while you do it. 

I love taking long hikes and walks during my vows to think and process. Some people like to listen to music, boost their meditation practice, or take yoga classes. I have heard people who plan road trips, read old journals, or look through photo albums. It’s a time of experimentation–get creative.

It’s Selfish

I learned this during my most recent vow of silence: speaking is a gift. It is a gift to be able to express yourself verbally, and it is also a gift to those around you. 

When you stop speaking, you listen to others and rely exclusively on them to carry the conversation. You also can’t respond to their question, their pleas for advice, or their need for support. While listening is a way to give to others during your vow, keep in mind that you are also forcing others out of their comfort zone.

Quick Story:

I met with a very quiet friend during my vow of silence. In fact, I didn’t realize how quiet she was until I was quiet, too! 

I was excited to get together with her because I thought it would be a great opportunity to listen to her for a change—I feel like I am always the one blabbering away. That’s not quite what happened. 

I wish I could say we got together, and she poured her heart out for the first time. While that has happened with someone while I was on a vow of silence, it didn’t happen this time. In fact, she shut down even more. 

She was just as nervous about having to talk as I was about not being able to! Now, I love getting people out of their comfort zone, but I forced this upon her and felt terrible. She said, “This is one of the hardest things I have ever done, and you are the one on the vow of silence!” Oops.

This made me realize how different people are. Taking a vow of silence can be a personal and social challenge! Be sure to think about how your vow could affect those around you.

End on a High

The best part of taking a vow of silence is the reflection afterward.

• Processing: Writing this post has been wonderfully rewarding as I processed the last few days. Thank you for reading.
• Gratitude: Thank the people who you challenged! My very next task is to write thank you notes to all of the people who helped me during this vow.
• Next Time: What would you do differently next time? Is there a next time?

I know there will be a next time for me! Follow me on Twitter for my next vow of silence…I hope you’ll silently join me.

Until then:

Thank you for your patience as I embarked on this silent adventure.

Why You’d Want to Take a Vow of Silence

You might be thinking, “I love talking! Why would I want to stop talking for several days??”

There are a few compelling reasons to try a vow of silence. If you pause speaking, you might find:

• Spiritual growth. Christian monks^{2https://www.dbu.edu/mitchell/ancient-christian-resources/monasticoverview.html?utm_source=dburedirect&utm_medium=www3&utm_campaign=cleaninggooglesearchresults&utm_term=mitchell-monasticoverview.htm} take vows of silence, and Buddhist monks also recognize the value of silence as a means to practice “right speech.” Many spiritual paths see silence as a pathway to deepen one’s connection with a higher power and to find inner peace. Studies^{3https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2020.00602/full} also suggest that silence makes people more aware of the present moment.
• Self-reflection. Silence allows you to turn your attention inward, observe your thoughts and feelings without distraction, and gain deeper self-awareness. 
• Awareness of your communication patterns. If you aren’t speaking, you can notice all the places in conversations where you might fill silence with verbal noise. This awareness allows you to shift those patterns.
• Lower stress: In our fast-paced, noise-filled world, a vow of silence offers a break from the constant barrage of stress and stimuli. Studies^{3https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2020.00602/full} also suggest that silence helps relax people and boost their mood.
• Improvement in nonverbal communication skills: Paradoxically, abstaining from verbal communication can improve your understanding of non-verbal cues and the value of listening.  
• Personal discipline: For some, it can be a test of personal discipline and endurance. If you’re a big talker, it might require a strong commitment to go silent for some time.
• As a statement: Some individuals take a vow of silence to take a stance on an issue. On November 30th, many students in Canada took a 24-hour vow of silence for Free The Children to speak up against child poverty and child labor. John Francis took a 17-year vow of silence for the environment! What’s your purpose?

If part of your motivation for a silent period is to escape the stress and bustle of life, you might also benefit from this free training that helps combat burnout.

Vows of silence have been transformational for me. And here’s why I found myself drawn to them.

Why I Took a Vow of Silence

Confession: Silence terrifies me.

Awkward pauses make my heart pound out of my chest. In order to prevent these awkward moments from happening, I have the bad habit of interrupting someone just in case there *might* be a long pause. Not only is this incredibly rude and a terrible way to interact, but it also forces me to think and pre-plan my statements.

There is nothing worse than someone who is only half listening to you while they simply think about their response. I am that person. I am trying not to be.

Enter Vow of Silence.

I realized the only way to curb my interrupting and overthinking addiction was to go cold turkey. No talking at all. If I can’t respond, then there is nothing to pre-plan. When I can’t speak, all I can do is listen.

During my vows of silence, I do everything I normally do–networking events, business masterminding, and outings with friends- but I don’t speak or write. My goal is to be supportive and truly and deeply listen to those around me.

Watch our video below to learn how to do a vow of silence:

What It’s Like During a Vow of Silence

It’s like you’re mourning the death of your ability to speak.

This crazy thing happens when people are speaking to you, and you can’t speak back. While sitting silently in one of my masterminds this week, I realized it’s very much like the 5 Stages of Grief… except you are mourning the end of your speaking and entering into the 5 Stages of Silence. 

No joke, I go through these 5 stages every time I meet someone new during my vow. It doesn’t happen just once at the beginning; it often occurs repeatedly during each new interaction. 

Here’s what happens:

Denial and Isolation

The first reaction to being unable to speak is to pretend it’s not happening and deny the reality of the situation. Yes, people will ask you questions, and you won’t be able to respond. Yes, people will say things that bother you, and you won’t be able to say a word! 

Denial is a normal reaction to rationalizing overwhelming emotions–and not being able to use your major mode of communication is completely overwhelming (at first). This defense mechanism buffers the fear of being silent, judged, or missing out.

Just to be clear: The first few moments of not speaking are the worst. At my first silent networking event, I broke out in a sweat, my stomach cramped, and I wanted to run from the room. Be prepared for this–it’s denial at its best. It does get better…read on.

Anger

As the reality sets in, you realize, truly, you can’t say anything. 

An intense feeling comes up: I am not ready for this. 

I think this intense emotion comes from our vulnerable core because we are terrified people will judge us, not like us, or we won’t be able to stand up for ourselves. This vulnerability comes out as anger. 

Rationally, we know that we chose to be silent, but it still feels infuriating at first that we decided to do it! I think frustration is the best way to describe this stage. Specifically:

• You show people a card saying you are on a vow of silence, and then they ask you how it’s going. Bah!
• You have advice for a friend going through something but can’t say anything. Bah!
• You have a funny joke to add to the conversation. Bah!
• Someone says something about you, and you are dying to correct them. Bah!

Bargaining

At some point, you begin to hope that you can figure out a way to express something. You use body language and eyebrow flashes. You point and gesticulate wildly. You make frustrated sounds and stomp your foot. Nope, still, you can’t talk–and most likely, you can’t express much. 

Vows of silence are for listening and introspection, NOT expression. That is a tough pill to swallow, so we bargain with it for as long as possible before…

Depression

It is incredible the depth of tremendous sadness you feel when you can’t express yourself. I have never had such a great appreciation for those who are truly unable to speak. 

Once I realize I can’t bargain into communication, sadness, and regret, flood my body. 

I welcome this stage because I think this is what it truly means to be out of your comfort zone. I find it interesting to pay attention to when this happens during a vow of silence. 

Aha moments for me:

• Being present instead of fixing. I want to help! I forget how often people ask for advice or feedback–and how often I also need help and feedback. When you can’t speak, you are alone with your problems, and they are alone with theirs. This brought me great sadness during my vow. However, not focusing on the solution let me be fully present and dive even further into the problem. It’s amazing how your silence makes people dig deep. I couldn’t solve her problem, but I could listen deeply.
• The importance of verbal empathy. Yesterday, a friend told me about a difficult time she was experiencing. I couldn’t respond verbally, so I hugged her. It wasn’t enough. This showed me how important verbal empathy is to our connections. Expressing empathy helps both parties feel connected. 
• Seeing people more deeply. At one of my meetings, someone mentioned a professional frustration–she has said this same frustration many times before. In the past, I jumped in with suggestions and solutions. But I heard her for real because I was silent and noticed the pattern–my suggestions weren’t working. I was sad not to help, but in my silence, I realized I hadn’t been helping. When I listened, I heard that what she is dealing with is emotional, not professional. I was sad I couldn’t share it right away (our next meeting should be good!) but excited to see it for the first time.

Acceptance

Many people quit their vow before reaching this stage. They feel frustrated and say, “I hate this!” Or they feel incapacitated, and they give up. Or they feel sad and lonely, so they return to words. 

Thats ok! That process in itself can be illuminating. But, I will say the anger, bargaining, denial… it’s all worth the final stage: when you accept your silence and the words of those around you.

In some Indian religions, silence is called Mauna, and the name for a sage muni means ‘silent one.’

Wisdom comes from both listening and getting through the tough part to reach an understanding. It takes bravery not to speak and to be fully vulnerable to those around you. Once you push through, there is a wonderful reward.

At some point during your vow, if you stick with it, you will feel amazing calm.

It’s not quite happiness, but there is a content acceptance. It’s as if your mind finally accepts that you are just there to listen. Finally, the chatter in your brain will cease, and you will just be listening.

I call this silent bliss.

It’s worth the 4 previous stages of silence. You hear more, see more, are more present, and learn so much. 

You’ll learn about others:

• I knew that emotional fear could stop professional success.
• I knew that if you give someone a little extra pause after they are done speaking, they will often go deeper.
• I learned that people LOVE to talk about themselves–and that is a joyous thing to watch and support.

You will learn about yourself:

• I learned that I interrupt people.
• I learned that I have to stop fixing people. Sometimes, they just want to be listened to.
• I learned that I need lots of advice, and it’s hard not being able to ask for it.

I will continue to do a vow of silence every summer and want to encourage you to do the same. I know many readers joined me in my vow, and I can’t wait to hear about their experiences. Do you want to take a vow of silence? 

If you’re interested, here are some considerations.

Frequently Asked Questions about a Vow of Silence

Takeaways on a Vow of Silence

If you choose to go for a vow of silence, best of luck! Just remember these tips:

1. Get clear on your why
2. Establish your rules
3. Pick when you want to make your vow
4. Create notecards to get by in social interactions
5. Alert people
6. Be intentional with your time
7. Understand that your silence will impact others.
8. Reflect afterwards

If you’d like to improve your listening skills without embarking on a silent period, you might enjoy the tips in this article: 15 Effective Tips on How To Talk Less (And Listen More!).