How to Have and Hold Dazzling Conversation With Anyone: We Review 24 Science-Backed Steps

Do you know how to have a conversation? I don’t just mean any old boring conversation. Do you know how to have dazzling, memorable, incredible conversations? 

Knowing how to start, hold, and end a conversation smoothly is one of the most important people skills you can have.

Watch the video below to learn more:

The art of sparkling conversation is one of our most requested topics at Science of People. So, a few months ago, I decided to research the topic to write this master conversation guide for you.

But first…

What Makes a Conversation Bad?

I noticed a pattern—most of the bad conversations had a specific sequence of events leading up to the awkward moment. Here’s what we heard over and over again:

• I signed up for this networking event a few weeks before and had no idea who was going or what the organization was all about, but a friend of a friend recommended it.
• On the way over, I caught up on a few calls and checked my email before walking in.
• My calendar said 5pm start time, so I showed up at 5:30pm, hoping I would be fashionably late.
• Once I got inside, I noticed the event was much larger (or smaller) than I anticipated and, oops, someone was presenting upfront. I tried to get my name tag and sign in quietly.
• I missed most of what the speaker said, but when she finally finished up people around me began to rekindle conversations and talk about what was said.
• I tried to talk to a few groups around me but couldn’t engage or had a bland back and forth.
• Most of the night was awkward and unhelpful—I made no useful connections.

I want to stop this pattern! How can you have dazzling conversations with anyone you meet? How can you get business opportunities connections and dates out of your meetings? I want to show you that effective communication is both an art and a science.

I have broken down the structure of a conversation into 11 steps that will take your average interactions and make them awesome.

Enjoy this step-by-step guide to having awesome conversations.

Create a Conversational Intention

One of the biggest conversational mistakes is going into your events, dates, meetings, and parties without a clear direction.

You would never start driving to a new destination without the address, so why would you start a conversation without a goal in mind?

A conversation without a game plan is like driving without a map.

Like any good athlete, conversationalists practice, prepare, and execute to win. While you don’t want to “win” a conversation, you might want to win business, friends, or new ideas.

Before any social interaction, set your intention, know your crowd, and do your research. This doesn’t have to be anything major. Think of one-sentence answers to the following while you prepare or drive to your event: Who, What, When, Why.

• Who: Who is hosting the event?
• What: What kinds of people are going?
• When: When is it, and what’s the schedule?
• Why: Why are you going?

Even a simple “I want to find some new clients” or “I want to have a great time” sets up an intention that means you are more likely to have a purpose while speaking to people. Purpose provides confidence, boosts influence, and is contagious. As humans, we like someone with direction.

Want to truly make every conversation count? Never have an awkward silence or boring conversation again. Discover the ultimate course to mastering your self-improvement without losing your authenticity.

Find Sparks

Once you have the conversation started, you want to keep it going. The most charismatic people look for conversation sparks. They bring up topics, look for ideas, and ask questions that spark energy or excite the person. If you orient your questions and intention around eliciting sparks, keeping the conversation going and avoiding awkward pauses or directionless chit-chat will be much easier. 

Sparks usually come from asking someone about topics that trigger dopamine. This is a chemical that makes us feel excited and engaged. I recommend triggering dopamine by bringing up topics that will help someone feel joy. Here are my favorite sparking questions:

• Have any big vacation plans coming up?
• Working on anything exciting recently?
• What’s the best part of your week?
• Tried any new restaurants lately?
• Working on any personal passion projects at the moment?

Use Friendly Body Language

We make our first impression in the first few seconds of seeing someone—this happens sometimes before you even start talking. Most people think that we don’t make our first impression until we start talking, but this is not the case. In fact, researchers have found^{1 https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1111/j.1467-9280.2006.01750.x} that people can make accurate judgments of each other within just 1/10th of a second!

Be sure that before you even start the conversation, you are approaching it with open and confident body language. When we first see someone, our brain tries to gauge if they are friends or foes. You want to signal ‘friend’ signals right off the bat. Here’s how to have open body language right when you walk in the door:

• Keep your hands visible
• Roll your shoulders down and back so they are nice and relaxed
• Smile when you see someone you recognize or you want to talk to
• Make eye contact as you walk towards them or say hello

Jerry Seinfeld’s Conversation Hack

Have you ever watched Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee? (Best. Sunday. Morning. Treat. Ever!)

Jerry Seinfeld gave an amazing social tip: make small talk whenever he meets strangers. And this tip ALWAYS works because there will ALWAYS be an answer from the other person.

What is this tip? Watch the video below to find out:

Try the Echo Technique

Think of the Echo Technique as the conversational boomerang. Someone throws you a phrase. You catch it and whip it back with a twist. Why does this work?

• It keeps the focus on them, which people tend to like—a lot.
• It nudges the dialogue forward without you having to break a sweat.
• It signals you’re listening, not just waiting for your turn to talk.

For example, I met an interesting person at a networking event earlier this week. They said, “I’ve been learning sign language.” I tossed back, “Sign language?”

It’s not rocket science; it’s just smart. You’re prompting them to give you more without appearing as a nosy know-it-all. The “Echo Technique” is like the conversational equivalent of a gentle nudge. It’s simple, effective, and has no frills or fluff.

Remember not to overplay it—if you echo every word, you’ll sound like a broken record.

Use Conversation Openers

What is the best conversation opener you have ever heard?

What is your go-to conversation starter?

The hardest part of a conversation is the opener. We tend to agonize over who and how to approach someone for a conversation. But don’t worry! A few conversation starters are the easiest way to get the chit-chat ball rolling.

• Sometimes, the most effective conversation starter is a simple “Hello, how are you?” It’s super easy, but it works!
• You can always use context to help. Ask how the wine is or comment on the venue or event. These are extremely subtle and make it easy to strike up a conversation.
• Try the “Human Google” approach. If there’s a question on your mind that you’d consider asking Google, just ask the person next to you! It could be anything from “Do you know when this event ends?” to “What exactly is a sommelier?”
• Try the “Human Twitter” approach. What statement would you type into Twitter at a given moment? Try saying it to the person next to you. It doesn’t have to be profound. Even something like “Wow, that was an awesome speech!” is enough to get the conversation rolling.
• We also have 57 killer conversation starters you can use in almost any situation. Keep them in your back pocket for meeting new people or before your next networking event.

Bookmarking

Some of the most talented conversationalists do ‘Bookmarking’ during conversations. This is an advanced technique that I love, but it does take some practice. 

The bookmarking technique is when you add markers or emphasis to a certain part of the conversation that can create a deeper connection. Bookmarks are verbal markers, you say, to make it easier to follow up or have something to talk about in the future. Here are the different types:

• Future Mentions: Let’s say you are talking about conferences, and someone mentions they will attend the same one as you in a few months. If you like the person, you can ‘bookmark’ it by saying, “I’m headed there as well; we should get coffee after one of the sessions.” This is a bookmark that you can follow up on later.
• Inside Jokes: These are my favorite—they are rare but lovely when they happen. Let’s say you are chatting with someone, and something interesting or funny happens. You can create a bookmark and then mention it to repeat the laugh later. I also call this ‘Milking the Joke.’ 

For example, I was on a long cross-country flight where they gave everyone a little bowl of nuts before take-off. For some reason, they put the bowl down in front of us and then took them away not even a minute later because they had to ‘clean up.’ I had time to eat one nut out of the whole bowl. So when they took it away, I turned to the guy next to me and said, “Budget cuts and recycling are killing the experience.” And he laughed, and I laughed, and we struck up a conversation. During dinner, we both joked about eating fast in case they took it away. Whenever they served us coffee, we giggled about hiding the mug in case they had to ‘clean it up.’ I gave him my card, and he followed up with an email with the subject: “Don’t take my nuts!” and said I should give him a call next time I was in Dallas for a free dinner at the steakhouse he owned—free steak! I credit milking the joke for this free meal.

• Same Same: Sometimes you can verbalize a ‘same-same’ moment. A same-same moment is when you both find out you have a similar interest, background, or commonality. You bookmark it by exclaiming how crazy it is you share that common ground. We can thank the similarity-attraction effect for this one, which is a psychological principle that states that we are drawn to people who are similar to us.

For example, I met a woman at a party, and it came out that we are the eldest of three sisters and have a 12-year age span. I bookmarked it by exclaiming, “WOW! I don’t think I have ever met someone with the same family situation as me—I’ll have to Facebook message you next time one of my sisters asks me to get her out of trouble because you might be the only person in the world who gets it.” She agreed, and we shared multiple stories of this occurring. We became Facebook friends, and sure enough, she sent me a screenshot of a text from her sister requesting a ride.

• You Have to See: Sometimes, you can bookmark with a follow-up mention. I often bring up books, videos, or articles I like to people while speaking to them. If they give me an eyebrow and seem interested, I will bookmark it by saying, “I’ll be sure to Tweet you the link so you can check it out!” I love doing this because I get to share something I like, and they will often send recommendations back to me.

The Secret is in the Eyebrows

I want to teach you one of the easiest and most fun nonverbal conversation tricks:

The eyebrow raises. 

Across cultures^{2 https://www.researchgate.net/figure/Eyebrow-flash-of-greeting-Eibl-Eibesfeldt-1989_fig2_243768681} , raising an eyebrow is what we do when we hear or see something interesting. Seeing someone do it in conversation often means you have said something engaging or brought up a topic that piques their curiosity. The eyebrow raise is the physical indicator of a spark. It clues you into a topic that they might like to discuss.

I had a great example of an eyebrow raise that happened to me the other day. I was sharing a story at a networking event with a marketing executive. I told him about a great commercial I saw while watching a Portland Timbers game (the Portland soccer team). He was nodding while I talked about the commercial, but when I mentioned it was during a Timbers game, his eyebrows jumped. After I finished the story, I asked him if he was a soccer fan. Sure enough, he said his son was trying to go pro—and this started a great conversation about soccer, sports, and kids. We traded cards, and I hope to do a workshop for his marketing team.

The Odd Detail Prompt

This odd but clever trick works. When using the Odd Detail Prompt, you’ll want to increase your observant skills for this one.

Picture this: you’re at a networking event or party. You might be thinking about the best person to target, what others think about you, and the normal stuff.

But fixating on the environment for a bit. What stands out to you—even in the slightest? It could be someone who has a small ring on their pinky. Or perhaps you notice there’s a keychain on someone’s backpack.

Instead of pushing away that observation like it’s unimportant, bring it up: “Hey! I like your ring. Is there any significance to it?” or “Cool keychain! I noticed it’s a microphone—do you do public speaking?”

Use Interest Probes

Statistics tell us that the odds of finding someone with shared experiences can seem slim, with over seven billion people on the planet. Yet, the truth is quite the opposite—people often have more in common than they initially realize.

Studies^{3 https://news.ku.edu/news/article/2016/02/19/new-study-finds-our-desire-minded-others-hard-wired-controls-friend-and-partner} suggest that we are hard-wired to seek out others who are like-minded. Finding commonalities with others can greatly improve the quality of conversation and overall social bonding.

You’ll need to flip the script by actively seeking those common, shared experiences or interests. At a networking event, rather than the standard “What do you do?” ask something like, “What’s something exciting you’ve worked on recently?” or “Have you picked up any new hobbies or interests lately?”

These questions are designed to uncover passions and pastimes without putting the other person on the spot.

When discovering a shared interest, delve deeper with genuine curiosity: “You’re into kayaking too? I’ve been looking for new routes. Do you have any favorites?”

Active Steps for Shared Interest Discovery:

• Mention Varied Interests: Discuss a broad array of your interests to increase the chances of hitting on a shared one.
• Encourage Reciprocal Sharing: Ask open-ended questions that invite others to talk about what they love or are currently involved in.
• Spot Clues: Pay attention to verbal cues and physical items (like a novel or a fitness tracker) that could hint at interests.
• Connect the Dots: Relate their interests to your experiences or desires to learn more, which can reveal overlapping passions.
• Follow-up: When a common interest is identified, suggest a future related activity or exchange of ideas to solidify the connection.

The Shared Endeavor Technique

Ready for a more advanced technique? Engage in a conversation to discover a joint venture or project, however small it might be. This is not about finding an interest you share but creating one in the moment.

Begin by identifying a common challenge or curiosity within the conversation. You should both establish reading as a hobby, but work/kids/stress keep those books at bay. 

Once you find a common problem, propose a mini-project or activity that you can contribute to. This could be as simple as deciding to read and discuss the same book or as complex as starting a community garden.

Another example might be at an art exhibit—instead of simply discussing the art, you could say, “I’ve been wanting to experiment with watercolors after seeing these. How about we both give it a shot and share our creations? It could be fun to compare notes on the experience!”

By proposing a shared endeavor, you forge a bond based on doing, not just talking. It’s a unique pivot that can take a conversation from pleasant to deeply engaging!

Special Note: Not everyone is up for doing other things—whether it be their busy schedule, a lack of initiative, or perhaps they’re just not interested. Don’t fret. It’s all part of the process; learning how to handle rejection is vital.

The Curiosity-Piquing Quirk Reveal

Flip the script on a small talk by introducing a quirk—something uniquely you and uncommon enough to pique interest and invite further inquiry.

This isn’t about confessing your deepest secrets; it’s about sharing a harmless, offbeat habit or preference that’s out of the ordinary. The key is to embed this quirk naturally within the flow of conversation.

Imagine you’re mingling in a coffee shop where the topic is favorite morning routines. Instead of “I start my day with a coffee,” you could offer, “I have this peculiar habit of solving a Rubik’s Cube every morning—it somehow kickstarts my brain.”

Here are some more great, interesting examples:

• Deliberately wearing socks of different colors or patterns as a personal style statement or good luck charm.
• Enjoying unconventional food pairings, like dipping fries in ice cream or adding hot sauce to popcorn.
• Switching hands for different tasks, like writing with the left hand but throwing a ball with the right.
• Using outdated technology for everyday tasks, such as writing on a typewriter or listening to music on a Walkman.
• Predicting the weather based on old wives’ tales or personal signs rather than using a weather app.
• Starting the day with a spontaneous doodle or sketch enhances creativity.
• Reading magazines or catalogs from back to front, claiming it’s more interesting to go against the grain.
• Dressing according to a self-declared theme for each day of the week, like “Mismatch Monday” or “Futuristic Friday.”
• Preferring to navigate new places using a physical map or memory instead of GPS.
• Humming tunes to the rhythm of nocturnal sounds, like crickets or the whirl of a ceiling fan, before sleeping.

Find the curious quirks that make you unique!

Captivate with Stories

I listen to A LOT of podcasts. One of my favorites is the Tim Ferriss podcast^{4 https://tim.blog/podcast/} . He interviews the most fascinating people and asks really interesting, deep-diving questions. On one of his podcasts with Jimmy Chin^{5 http://fourhourworkweek.com/2015/10/20/the-athlete-and-artist-who-cheats-death-jimmy-chin/} , a professional climber, Jimmy talked about advice he would give first-time climbers. This was interesting, but then he started telling a story to back up his advice about one of his first climbs. 

As soon as he started the story, I was sucked into it. I leaned in, gasped at the surprises, and held my breath for the ending. The story mentally captured me, and I felt a physiological response while he told it. I will remember his advice far more from the story than his tips, even though the story was not as direct.

• What are your favorite stories to tell?
• What is a story you can tell to back up a claim?
• How can you answer in anecdotes?

Warning: Stories are great, but don’t be a conversational narcissist—make sure you do equal talking and listening by asking for their stories as well.

Harness the Power of “Bridge Phrases”

Diving deeper into the art of dialogue, a potent strategy is often overlooked: “Bridge Phrases.” While reciprocity lays the foundation, bridge phrases are the architectural flourishes that turn a basic back-and-forth into a compelling construct.

Consider conversation as a game of tennis. You want to keep the ball in play to maintain the rally. Bridge phrases are your topspin and slices—they add variety and keep the exchange dynamic. For instance, when someone shares an experience, a typical response might be, “That’s interesting!” Instead, try “That’s interesting, it reminds me of…” or “That’s quite an experience, how did that shape your view on…?”

Examples in Action:

• From Personal to Universal: If someone talks about their recent kayaking adventure, instead of just nodding, you might say, “Kayaking in rapids sounds exhilarating! I just thought of an interesting connection to life—kayaking, with its up and down rapids, is kind of like the ups and downs of life.” You’ve just connected a personal story to a universal truth, opening a gateway to a deeper conversation.
• From Present to Past, or Future: They mention they’ve started learning the guitar. A bridge phrase can be, “That’s fantastic. What inspired you to start? Did a certain artist or song spark that interest?” or “Where do you see this musical journey taking you?” Suddenly, you’re not just talking about the guitar but also personal inspirations and aspirations.
• From Fact to Feeling: They share a fact: “I just finished reading this amazing book.” Instead of a simple “What’s it about?”, you could say, “I can see you’re excited about it. What about the book moved you?” This transitions the conversation from the cerebral to the emotional.

Bridge phrases do three things exceptionally well:

• They show attentiveness: You’re not just listening; you’re actively engaging with the information presented.
• They offer depth: By expanding the topic, you’re digging beyond the surface, which can be more satisfying for both parties.
• They invite sharing: Similar to “How about you?”, bridge phrases naturally coax your conversation partner to elaborate without making them feel interrogated.

Next time you find yourself in a conversation, consider bridge phrases as your Swiss Army knife—versatile, handy, and always impressive when used with skill.

Encourage Reciprocity

No matter how great your body language is or how many funny stories you tell, if you commit a conversational sin, you will turn people off. The biggest deal breaker is ‘Conversational Mooching.’

Do you know when you ask someone a question, and they answer but don’t ask you back? You ask them where they are from, and they say “New York” and then are silent.

We expect reciprocity in conversations.

When we share something, we want someone else to share something. When we ask a question, we want them to answer and ask us back. It doesn’t have to be tit for tat, but we are coded to look for and be treated with equality. Be sure you are not a moocher and give back as much as you get.

My three favorite words? Not “I love you” — although those are good too! Always ask people, “How about you?” after you finish answering. These three little words are perfect for encouraging reciprocity^{6 https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/36165095/#:~:text=Abstract,the%20achievement%20of%20one’s%20goals.} .

Special Note: One other conversational sin is being a one-upper. A one-upper is someone who constantly has to outdo you or your story. You had a bad day—well, they had an even worse one! You traveled to 20 countries—well, they traveled to 25 AND have done all 50 states! Let people enjoy their moment and celebrate with them; don’t one-up them.

Make it a Mission to Understand Them.

It can feel incredibly good to receive someone’s curiosity. It is validating when someone really is interested in who you are, what you think, and how you feel.

When you are in a conversation with someone, the underlying intention you can go in with is to understand this person as much as possible.

Each human is their own universe of opinions, perspectives, and experiences. Pretend like you are an astronaut exploring a new planet. Figure out this person’s joys, their sorrows, their musical taste, their accomplishments. 

It will make them feel good, and it’ll take the conversation to a new level.

Recruit Them into Your Curiosity

Is there a book you’re reading that’s turning your gears? Or maybe something happened to you recently that you can’t stop thinking about. Bring the other person into your inquiry!

Tell them about the book you’re reading and get their perspective on it. Share with them the weird experience you can’t stop thinking about, and ask if they’ve experienced anything like that before.

If you move through your own life with a natural curiosity, bring the other person into the topics that light you up and see what they think.

Listen in a Way that Encourages Opening Up

Here’s something to think about—let’s say a friend of yours asks you how your day’s been. The response you give them will be different than the response you’d give to the exact same question if it were posed by another person.

You will say something different to “How’s your day been?” if it was your mom who asked, or your child, or this friend, or that friend.

Partially, this is because we share different things with different people depending on the context of the relationship and our shared interests with that person.

However, the way you listen to a person will also evoke different thoughts and emotions from them. There’s a reason that everyone cries when talking to Oprah! It’s because of how she listens to them.

We listen with our non-verbal cues. The tone of the “mm” and “uh huh” noises. We also listen to the way we nod and the facial expressions we make while nodding. We listen with the amount of silence we give to a person when they’re sharing. We listen with our questions and our reflections. Listening is an art form in itself, and here are a few more tips on how to listen skillfully.

But as it relates to holding a conversation well, you could consider this question before entering a conversation: “What do I want to listen for?”

Do you want to listen to their inspiration? For their strengths? For their heart? For their pain?

If you can bring intentionality to what you listen for, it will draw a different side out of that person and can make the conversation that much more fulfilling.

Seek Common Ground

If you can find something you share in common with the other person, it’ll create a feel of instant connection and supply you with loads of topics to chat about.

I just met someone recently and discovered we were both terrified of cockroaches. This led to 10 minutes of highly excited bonding about the topic. Minutes later, we discovered we both identified as spiritually agnostic, which led to more discussion.

Obviously, you don’t want to force a similarity if it’s not there, but if you can find common ground to share with someone, don’t skip over it! Name that you have that thing in common (“I’m terrified of cockroaches too!”), and then milk the topic for all it’s worth.

Treat Them Like You’re Already Friends

When you’re with your close friends, conversations flow easily. 

You can use this knowledge to create a connection with a new person. Just pretend you’re already friends!

We usually filter ourselves with new people. We block the first thought that comes up to seem more polite or civil. But with close friends, there is no filter. 

See if you can pretend you are already friends with this person and let that dissolve your filter.

“You Know What That Makes Me Think Of…”

Some people are good at asking questions but get stuck on what to share about themselves. If you ask too many questions, a conversation can feel like an interview. So it’s good to balance asking and sharing.

And this prompt works great for sharing. Every time they say something, you can simply respond, “You know what that makes me think of?” Then just say the first thing that comes up! No matter how random.

This will help you create flow and build the conversation up.

Exits

You’ve started a conversation, sparked stories, and gotten to know each other—now you have to end it. Sometimes, the art of the last impression is just as hard as nailing the first impression. 

The art of ending a conversation is easy. I have an entire post on the art of a lasting impression, but I encourage you to use bookmarks to end well.

• Future Mentions: “Well, I can’t wait to see you at that ___ coming up—I’ll email you!”
• Inside Jokes: “It was great laughing with you. I’ll be sure to ___ in the future ;)”
• Same Same: “I’m so glad I met a fellow ___ fan. You made my night!”
• You Have to See: “I’ll be sure to send that link your way. It was great talking to you!”

The Post-Mortem

I know after an event or date, you can be tired, and all you want to do is flip on some Netflix and call it a night. But take a few minutes to do a post-mortem. This can be in your head as you drive home, talking with a spouse or roommate, or writing in a journal. Answer the following three questions:

• What went well tonight?
• What did I learn?
• Who should I follow up with?

The art of conversation is a skill—you have to keep learning and honing your ability. Your post-mortems can help you identify patterns and remember to follow up on bookmarks, LinkedIn connections, and promises.

How to Hold a Conversation Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)

Takeaways on How to Hold a Conversation

Best of luck with all your future conversations! Just keep in mind these tips, and you’ll definitely make some great connections:

• Conversational Intention Gives You Purpose: Establish a clear purpose for the conversation before you go into it.
• Approach As Friend, Not Foe: Relax your body and smile as you meet someone.
• Jerry Seinfeld’s Conversation Hack: Ask questions that have a numerical answer (e.g., “How many years have you lived here?”)
• Use Conversation Openers: Even just a simple “Hi, how’s it going?” is a great opener!
• Bookmarking: Mark specific points in the conversation to create motifs and threads to continue the connection later.
• Find Sparks: Look for areas of excitement and passion to keep the conversation inspired and to avoid awkwardness.
• The Secret is in the Eyebrows: When you notice an eyebrow raise, it means interest. Go into that topic!
• Captivate with Stories: Storytelling is powerful and can make your points emotional and memorable.
• Encourage Reciprocity: Seek conversational balance.
• Exits: Exit a conversation using one of the bookmark tips.
• The Post-Mortem: After a conversation, reflect on how you showed up as a conversation partner. What went well? What’d you learn? Where do you need to follow up?

If you’d like some tips on how to open a conversation, check out these 69 killer conversation starters.