Become a Master Conversationalist

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Are you ready for a science challenge? 

In the video below, I am going to clap out a few songs for you and I want you to guess the songs I’m clapping. Ready? Let’s play: 

Most people think they can do very well on this challenge, but in actuality, they don’t do so great. Why? This is the perfect example of how we overestimate our abilities, especially when it comes to decoding people and settings. I share this challenge with you as a nice reminder to stay humble and stick to the basics.

Why You’re Not as Above Average as You Think You Are

It’s not just musical recognition and intelligence that individuals are overconfident about. People, primarily in Western cultures, tend to overestimate their abilities in most areas. Here are three of the most common ways people think too highly of themselves.


#1 We consistently think we are more generous and selfless than we actually are

In one experiment, 84% of participants said they would cooperate with their assigned partners to yield an equal outcome for both of them. However, in the experiment, only 61% cooperated while the remainder chose to act in their own self-interest. In real life this comes up often when people have the opportunity to help others, and consider themselves the type of kind, generous person who would, and yet they don’t offer any assistance because it is not convenient for them.


#2 We have a survivorship bias

Survivorship bias causes us to focus on our successes and ignore our failures. This contributes to our overconfidence because we rarely take time to acknowledge our mistakes. Instead, our brain reminiscences in memories where we thrived because that’s what feels good to focus on.


#3 We think that our interpretation of the world is correct

Because of this, even when we fail, it is easy to blame the failure on someone else for not being able to appreciate how great our work is. Likewise, in arguments, we have a tendency to believe that our logic is solid, and though we think we can understand the other person’s perspective, we believe they are wrong because they are unable to understand our perspective. If they were able to accurately interpret our perspective, they would see that we are right. The other person is thinking the same thing which is why it can sometimes seem impossible to resolve conflicts.

The Competence Paradox

What’s interesting is that the least competent people are most likely to rate their abilities higher than they actually are while the most competent individuals are the most likely to underrate their abilities. Researchers don’t have a definite reason for why this happens, but possibilities include that individuals who are highly competent tend to be in demanding roles where there is constant pressure to keep improving and because many things are easy for them, they assume they are easy for everyone else too, making them think that they are average.

Another factor that prevents overconfidence is when people are forced to acknowledge their failures due to unwanted results. A study in the Journal of Consumer Research found that people tend to be overconfident before they do something, but their confidence quickly drops if they didn’t do as well as expected on their first try. If there is an opportunity for a second go, most people greatly underestimate how well they will do.

This occurs because being forced to confront failure eliminates one of the biggest sources of overconfidence: ignorance. Everyone doesn’t think they are better than average because they are egotistical by nature. Rather, many people believe they have superior abilities because that is what they are told. Most people are overly positive when giving direct feedback because they don’t want to offend the other person.

Though well-intended, exaggerated feedback gives people a false sense of abilities and hurts them later on.

Don't let the learning stop here. Captivate is available now!

Ever wonder what makes people tick? Want to know the hidden forces that drive our behavior? In Vanessa Van Edwards' new book Captivate, she explains a simple blueprint for hacking human behavior. In this science packed, anti-boring guide you will learn:

  • The formula for fascinating conversation
  • How to walk into a room full of strangers and make a killer first impression
  • What to do to increase your impact and income using people skills
  • Our strategy for hacking the people code–we call it the matrix (Keanu Reeves not included with each book sale)
  • The art and science of understanding people

Learn the new–science based way for winning friends and influencing people.

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Become a Master Conversationalist

Make every conversation incredible. Discover our 3 step, science backed formula to mastering conversation without losing your authenticity.

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