In This Article
Use psychologist Arthur Aron's 36 deep questions to build real intimacy with your partner, friends, or family. Backed by science.
Do you know the right questions to ask your significant other?
I mean, have you really, truly, deeply asked the best questions to get to know them as a person?
I’m a victim of the How Trap. The How Trap is when you are stuck only asking “How are you?” and nothing more. In the How Trap you get caught up in day-to-day logistics and check-ins.
Put simply: I don’t want to know just how you are. I want to know who you are.
You know you are in the How Trap if:
- Most of your questions start with “how.” Like “how are you?” or “how are the kids?” or “how are you feeling?” or even, “how was your day?” These only touch the surface.
- You don’t make eye contact while you speak. You are doing the dishes, driving or cleaning up the house when you speak. This means your attention is not going deep.
- You rely on social media posts to check-in. Do you feel like you already know everything that is going on in your people’s lives because you follow them on social media? Sometimes this gets you caught in the how trap.
Sometimes we feel like we really know someone, but on the surface we are only familiar with the day-to-day.
For example, when my husband and I get really busy, we can go days without asking any questions beyond logistics-type questions. We see each other at the end of the day and ask “How was your day?” and we go through what we did and what happened. We talk about plans for the weekend and updates from friends we saw on Facebook.
The other day, I had this big Aha moment…
I realized we were talking, but we weren’t sharing.
I think this happens with couples, friendships, and especially parents and their kids. We get so wrapped up in the day-to-day that we are lucky to get to the ‘how are you?’ but we very rarely get to the ‘who are you?’ Especially when you have known someone for a long time, we forget to ask how they have changed. We let the deeper questions fade away.
Psychologist Arthur Aron built a set of 36 questions for exactly this problem, and they can generate real closeness between two people in under an hour. Here’s how to use them and why they work.
Why Deep Questions Build Real Intimacy
Most conversations stay shallow. You ask “How was your day?” and get “Fine.” You talk about weekend plans, scroll through social media updates, and call it catching up.
But research shows that the depth of your conversations directly predicts how happy you are. Psychologist Matthias Mehl at the University of Arizona tracked people’s real conversations using a recording device that captured audio snippets throughout the day. The happiest participants had twice as many substantive conversations as the unhappiest ones.1
The happiest people had twice as many substantive conversations as the unhappiest ones.
Likability follows the same pattern. A Harvard study by Karen Huang and colleagues found that people who ask more questions, especially follow-up questions, are rated as more likable. In speed-dating experiments, the participants who asked more questions got more second-date requests.2 A question tells the other person you actually want their answer.
This is exactly what Arthur Aron’s 36 questions are designed to do: create a structured path from casual to deeply personal, so both people feel safe going there together.
How Well Do You Really Know Your Partner?
Relationship researcher John Gottman uses the term “Love Maps” to describe the detailed mental picture you carry of your partner’s inner world: their fears, dreams, daily stresses, and what makes them feel loved.3
Couples who hold detailed Love Maps of each other’s worlds are, in Gottman’s words, “far better prepared to cope with stressful events and conflict.” When life gets chaotic (a new baby, a job loss, a move), the couple who knows what the other one is carrying gets through it with more empathy and less friction.
The catch? Love Maps need regular updating. People change. What your partner dreamed about five years ago may not be their dream today.
That’s where deep questions come in. They rebuild and refresh your map of the person you love.
Personality psychologist Dan McAdams offers a useful framework for thinking about how well you know someone. He describes three levels of knowing4
- Level 1: General Traits. You know their personality. Are they introverted or extroverted? Organized or spontaneous?
- Level 2: Personal Concerns. You understand their goals, values, and what motivates their decisions.
- Level 3: Self-Narrative. You know the stories they tell themselves about who they are, and how they’ve made sense of their journey and purpose.
Most relationships get stuck at Level 1 or 2. Deep questions are one of the most practical tools for reaching Level 3.
The Science Behind the 36 Questions
In 1997, psychology professor Arthur Aron and his team at Stony Brook University published a study called “The Experimental Generation of Interpersonal Closeness.”5 The goal was straightforward: could you create genuine closeness between two strangers in a lab setting?
Aron paired strangers together and had them spend 45 minutes asking and answering 36 questions that gradually escalated in vulnerability. A control group spent the same amount of time making small talk.
The difference was large. Pairs who completed the 36 questions reported feeling significantly closer than the small talk group. In fact, the closeness they felt after just 45 minutes matched the average closeness people reported in their closest existing relationships.
One pair from the study even fell in love and got married six months later, and they invited the entire research lab to the wedding.
After just 45 minutes of deep questions, strangers felt as close as people do in their most intimate relationships.
The underlying principle is what researchers call escalating reciprocal self-disclosure. You share something personal, your partner shares something personal back, and each round goes a little deeper. Each round of that back-and-forth makes the next one easier to say out loud.
How to Ask the 36 Questions
Grab a Partner
Find your significant other, friend, parent, sibling, or anyone you want to get closer with. These questions work for romantic partners, but they’re equally powerful with friends and family. Make sure your partner is interested in doing the exercise with you.
Find Your Space
Choose a quiet place where you won’t be interrupted for at least 45 minutes. Put your phones away. The last thing you want is a notification breaking the flow right when things get meaningful.
Pro Tip: You do NOT have to do all 36 questions in one sitting. Sometimes intimacy takes time to build. Try one question per dinner, one per car ride, or one per week with a close friend. Savor them, expand on them, and see where they take you.
Take Turns and Listen
The questions are organized in three sets, with each set more personal than the last. Take turns asking and answering every question. Don’t skip ahead, even if you think you already know the answer.
Here’s how it works:
- Person A asks the first question.
- Person B answers.
- Discuss, and let the conversation breathe.
- Person A answers the same question.
- Discuss again.
- Person B asks the second question.
- Continue alternating.
The research is clear on one point: both people must answer every question. One-sided disclosure creates distance.
How to Respond Well
Most advice about deep questions focuses on what to ask. But research on intimacy shows that how you respond matters just as much. Psychologist Harry Reis found that when someone shares something vulnerable and their partner responds with understanding and care, what researchers call “perceived partner responsiveness,” each round of sharing goes deeper than the last.6
Here’s what responsive listening looks like:
- Maintain eye contact while your partner speaks. Put down whatever you’re holding.
- Ask follow-up questions instead of jumping to your own answer: “What was that like for you?” or “How did that change you?”
- Validate before you advise. If your partner shares something painful, say “That sounds really hard” before offering perspective.
- Resist the urge to fix. Sometimes the best response is simply: “Thank you for telling me that.”
Action Step: Before your next deep conversation, agree on one ground rule: “We’ll respond with curiosity instead of judgment.”
The 36 Questions
These questions were developed by Arthur Aron and colleagues to generate interpersonal closeness through escalating self-disclosure.5 You can use them with your partner, friends, or family.
Set 1: Getting Started
- Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
- Would you like to be famous? In what way?
- Before making a phone call, do you ever rehearse what you’re going to say? Why?
- What would constitute a perfect day for you?
- When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
- If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you choose?
- Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
- Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
- For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
- If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
- Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
- If you could wake up tomorrow having gained one quality or ability, what would it be?
Set 2: Going Deeper
- If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future, or anything else, what would you want to know?
- Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
- What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
- What do you value most in a friendship?
- What is your most treasured memory?
- What is your most terrible memory?
- If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are living now? Why?
- What does friendship mean to you?
- What roles do love and affection play in your life?
- Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
- How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?
- How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
Set 3: Deep Vulnerability
- Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling…”
- Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share…”
- If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
- Tell your partner what you like about them: be honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.
- Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
- When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
- Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
- What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
- If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?
- Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
- Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
- Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.
The Eye Contact Challenge
After finishing the 36 questions, there’s one more step you can try. It didn’t come from Aron’s original study.
In 2015, writer Mandy Len Catron published a viral New York Times Modern Love essay called “To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This.” She described trying Aron’s 36 questions with a university acquaintance at a bar, then adding a final step: four minutes of sustained eye contact.7
Catron borrowed the eye contact idea from a separate 1989 study by Joan Kellerman and colleagues, which found that two minutes of mutual gazing between strangers increased feelings of romantic attraction.8
As Catron described the experience: “I’ve skied steep slopes and hung from a rock face by a short length of rope, but staring into someone’s eyes for four silent minutes was one of the more thrilling and terrifying experiences of my life.”
And yes, she and her partner fell in love. They’re now married.
There’s brain science behind why this works. A 2019 study from Japan’s National Institute for Physiological Sciences found that sustained eye contact activates brain regions involved in empathy and triggers inter-brain synchronization, meaning both brains start firing in similar patterns.9
When you look into someone’s eyes, both brains start firing in the same regions, the ones that handle empathy and understanding.
This step is completely optional. But if you want to try it after the questions, sit facing each other, set a timer for four minutes, and simply look into your partner’s eyes without speaking.
Just remember to blink.
Do the 36 Questions Actually Work?
Aron’s research shows the questions generate closeness. Romance is a different thing, and the study never promised it. What you do with the closeness is up to you.
Mandy Len Catron, the New York Times writer who tried the questions at a bar with a university acquaintance, reflected on the experience: “The 36 Questions warp speed two strangers into intimacy and vulnerability before they know whether or not a relationship is even possible.” She later wrote: “You’re probably wondering if he and I fell in love. Well, we did.”7
In Aron’s original experiment, two participants got married six months later. They invited the entire lab to the wedding.
The Harvard Study of Adult Development, the longest-running study on happiness at more than 85 years, found that quality relationships are the strongest predictor of long-term health and well-being.10 Deep questions are one of the most practical tools for building exactly that kind of relationship.
Bonus: 15 More Deep Questions to Try
Aron’s 36 questions are a strong starting point. If you want to keep going, or want questions on one particular topic, here are 15 more, organized by theme.
Childhood and Earliest Memories
- What’s your earliest memory? What do you think it says about you?
- Who was your childhood hero, and do you still admire them?
- What’s one thing from your childhood you wish every kid could experience?
Dreams, Fate, and Beliefs
- Do you believe in soulmates, or do you think great relationships get built along the way?
- If you could have any superpower, what would it be and what would you do first?
- What’s on your bucket list that you haven’t told anyone about?
Love and Relationships
- How do you most like to receive love: through words, actions, time together, or something else?
- What’s the best piece of relationship advice you’ve ever received?
- What’s your biggest pet peeve in a relationship, and why does it bother you so much?
Vulnerability and Honesty
- What’s something you learned the hard way that you’re grateful for now?
- What’s your biggest insecurity, and how does it show up in your daily life?
- If you could make amends with anyone from your past, who would it be?
The Big Questions
- What do you think happens after we die?
- What’s the biggest challenge you’re facing right now that you haven’t talked about?
- If you could send a message to your younger self, what would you say?
Pro Tip: Use these as follow-ups to Aron’s 36 questions, or mix them into your regular conversations. Psychologist Todd Kashdan’s research shows that curious people create closer bonds and are rated as more attractive by conversation partners. Staying curious about your partner, and treating them as someone who keeps changing, is one of the best predictors of long-term satisfaction.
Bonus: The 36 Questions in Action
Check out these real-life strangers asking each other the deep stuff. You won’t believe what happens at the end!
Deep Questions Takeaway
- Start with Aron’s 36 questions. They build closeness even between two people who met an hour ago, and that’s been tested in a lab.
- Don’t skip the easy ones. The gradual escalation from light to deep is what makes the process feel safe.
- Both people answer every question. One-sided sharing creates distance.
- Ask a follow-up before you answer. “That sounds really hard” comes before your perspective.
- Try the eye contact challenge. Four minutes of silent eye contact after the questions can deepen the experience.
- Keep going. Use the bonus questions to continue exploring your partner’s inner world over weeks and months.
- People change. Ask again in six months. Last year’s dream may not be this year’s.
One good follow-up question does more for how much people like you than any clever opener.
Frequently Asked Questions
What are some super deep questions to ask someone?
Some of the deepest questions focus on identity, mortality, and vulnerability. From Arthur Aron’s research: “If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone?” and “If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future, or anything else, what would you want to know?” Questions about childhood, regret, and what someone values most in life tend to go the deepest.
What are the best questions to ask to get to know someone at a profound level?
The best deep questions move beyond facts (“Where are you from?”) and into values, stories, and emotions. Ask about formative experiences: “What’s something you learned the hard way?” Ask about dreams: “What have you dreamed of doing for a long time but haven’t done yet?” And ask about identity: “What do you want people to remember about you?” Questions that invite a story build the strongest connections.
Do the 36 questions work for friends as well as romantic partners?
Yes. Aron’s original study paired strangers rather than romantic partners, and the questions generated real closeness whatever the relationship. The questions work with friends, siblings, parents, and even coworkers. The key ingredient is reciprocal self-disclosure: both people sharing openly and listening without judgment.
What is a good flirty question to ask?
From Aron’s list, question #1 is surprisingly flirty in the right context: “Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?” It invites imagination and reveals values. For something more direct, try: “What would constitute a perfect day for you?”, then listen for what you could plan together. Follow-up questions like “What was the best part of that?” beat a clever opener.
How long does it take to do all 36 questions?
Aron’s original study allotted 45 minutes, but most couples find it takes longer when the conversation flows naturally. You can spread the questions across multiple sessions: one set per date night, or even one question per day. There’s no rush. The gradual build is part of what makes the process work.
