BE THE MOST MEMORABLE PERSON IN THE ROOM

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How does love work? In this post we will review all of the psychology, science and behavior research about love and dating.

Step #1: What’s Your Love Language?

Do you know the 5 love languages? These fundamentally changed my relationships in both love and business. You HAVE to know your love language.

Which one of these speaks to the way you feel cared for or like to show you appreciate someone:

1. Quality Time

Quality time is about spending time together enjoying each other’s company.

People who need quality time crave alone time with their loved one, want to catch up with them by having time alone where they can talk and bond.

2. Physical Touch

Physical touch is showing love through hugging, cuddling, being intimate or simply putting a caring hand on someone’s shoulder.

People who need physical touch want you to hug them, they want cuddle time and always show “PDA” or public displays of affection to feel that you love them and to demonstrate their love for those they care about.

3. Gifts

The love language gifts does not have to be large or extravagantly expensive gifts, it can be notes, CD’s, flowers or leaving a pastry.  These small gifts are tokens of love to the giver or receiver.

People who need gifts feel validated when you spend money and/or time picking something out for them.  Often times, the saying, ‘it is the thought that counts’ really applies here.

4. Acts of Service

Acts of service are acts of love when someone does an action for the other.  This can be cleaning, cooking, driving or even doing an errand.  By doing that act of service the other person feels love or is showing their love.

People who need acts of service will sometimes ask their loved ones for favors or errands not because it is easier, but rather because they need the affirmation of the other person’s love.

5. Words of Affirmation

Words of affirmation are verbal clues for others to express how much they love and care about someone.  Words of affirmation can also be compliments and reassurances that confirm inner love in an outer way.

People who need words of affirmation need to hear from the people they love frequently and need to hear, out loud what the other person is thinking to feel loved.

Learn more about the Love Languages here.

Step #2 How to Make People Want You

What is the psychology of attraction? Find out what intrigues people when you meet them and how to capture your innate attract-ability.

Attraction isn’t only about looks. It’s about a certain primal magnetism. Of course, we can be physically attracted to someone, but we are more often drawn to their confidence, passion and personality. Being attractive is about more than just appearance.

Let me explain. Not only is attraction the basis of finding a romantic partner, but we are also attracted to work with certain people. We are attracted to certain friendships. We are even attracted to certain coffee shops because we like their vibe, their menu or their location. Attractiveness is an essential part of understanding what motivates people.

1. Stop Being Boring

New York Times best-selling author and developmental molecular biologist, John Medina discovered that the brain has a very short attention span. Our brains are attracted to intriguing, interesting, engaging people and things. Luckily, you are an intriguing, interesting, engaging person!

Yes, I have met thousands of people at speaking events, conferences and networking parties and I have never met a boring person.

Sometimes we act boring because we are afraid of being seen as “weird” or “different”. So we have the same the mind-numbingly boring social script of “What do you do?” and “Where are you from?”. We don’t share how we really feel, we hide our quirks and try to fit in. But you know what? Fitting in sucks. It’s dull and unattractive.

2. You Have 30 Seconds

Don’t let anyone tell you different. People judge you the moment you walk in the room.

If we get rid of social niceties and get down to the science, attraction happens in the first 30 seconds. And, as much as we don’t like to admit it, our brain decides if we are attracted to someone else almost instantly.

Rutgers University anthropologist Helen Fisher studied hundreds of couples in love and found that the human body knows within one second whether someone’s physically attractive or not. We might not realize it, but our brains make incredibly accurate and long-lasting snap judgements in the first few seconds of meeting a new person.

3. The Single Hottest Trait

What turns you on? Eyes? Humor? Legs? Research shows that a person’s most attractive trait is their availability. Yet, this is one of the most overlooked aspects of how people work. And this is important for every area of life.

In dating it is about physical availability “Will this person mate with me?”

In friends and long-term romantic partners it is about emotional availability. “Will this person open up to me?”

In business it is about economic and intellectual availability. “Will this person work with me?”

The best way to show availability whether it is at a networking event, party, business meeting or date is by demonstrating availability. Show people you want to connect, talk and start a relationship.

How about sexy body language? Read more on how to make people want you.

Step #3 The Best Pick-Up Line Ever

Do you want to know what the single best pick-up line is? A study looked at hundreds of dating interactions and found that there is one pick-up line that started a conversation every single time. Watch the video to find out what it is!

Want even more insider tips like these? Be sure to sign-up for our Science of People monthly insights:

Step #4 The Body Language of Attraction

What does someone do when they are attracted to you? In other words, how does their body portray their attraction? Find out:

1. First Impressions

Rutgers University anthropologist Helen Fisher, says that the human body knows within one second whether someone’s physically attractive or not. Here are the body language cues that humans find most attractive:

  • Availability: Both males and females find people with available body language the most attractive. Available body language is smiling, uncrossed arms, uncrossed legs and upward gazing (not looking down at shoes or phones).
  • Fertility: From an evolutionary perspective, humans are tuned into body language cues that signal fertility and youth. Luckily, these can be emphasized with body language. For men, standing up straight, squaring the shoulders, planting feet slightly more than shoulder width apart and displaying hands are all signs of fertility. For a woman, keeping your hair down, tilting your head to expose pheromones and keeping hands and wrists visible to display the soft skin of the wrists are highly attractive for men.

2. Attract Them While You Can

Once our mind decides we like someone as a potential mate our body automatically begins to change physically to attract the person. Our cheeks flush to make us look like we are aroused, our lips swell to look more fertile and even our pheromones pump to attract the other person. There are a few things we can do to attract a mate from a body language perspective.

  • Lean In: Leaning towards someone is a nonverbal way of telling them you are engaged. This works especially well if you are in a group of people and you are interested in one person in the group. A way to show them you are interested is by leaning towards them. This subconsciously will pull them in your direction.
  • Head Tilting: Head tilting shows interest and engagement. If you are speaking with someone, let them know you are present and interested by tilting your head and gazing at them. Be sure to not look over their head or around the room, this shows lack of interest and sensitivity.

3. Find the Signs

So, what are the actual signs of attraction? How do they come out in the body? Here are some body language cues for attraction.

Step #5 How to Turn People On

Once someone has the basics of food and shelter all they want is to feel cherished, valued and worthy. And this helps us know what people find attractive. We turn people on when we fulfill their desire to be important.

Here’s the psychology behind it: If you can make someone feel important by valuing their opinions, time or feelings, YOU will be attractive to them.

1. How to be attractive verbally:

  • Ask questions about what they find important
  • Push their ideas a step further. Ask why and how more than what and when.
  • Commit to total engagement. I’m totally calling you out on your fake trip to the bathroom, pretending to check your very important email or looking over their head as you talk to them to see who might be more interesting. Stop it! I promise, engaging will make you both interested and interesting (See more of my promises below).

You can also be attractive nonverbally. You know how much we love our body language research. And studies show that the majority of our communication is actually nonverbal. On the conservative side, studies have found a minimum of 60% (which is still A LOT!) and that goes up to 93%.

2. Here is how to be attractive nonverbally:

  • Keep your toes pointed towards the person speaking. I know this seems silly but our brains pick up on people’s foot direction and use it to gauge interest. As you are listening to someone, you can make them feel valued by keeping your toes and torso pointed at them as they speak. It’s kind of like nonverbally telling them, “I’m with you! I hear you! Keep going!” And that is the best compliment you can give someone.
  • Use a triple nod. Studies have shown (See our list of citations) that people will speak 3 to 4 times longer if you do three slow nods in a row when they have finished speaking. It’s like a nonverbal … So, when someone finishes their statement, look them in the eye and nod three times as if to say, “keep going.” They often will continue and you end up having a much deeper conversation. (And if they don’t it’s no big deal, just take a sip of your drink and ask your next question).

Read more on how to turn people on here.

Step #6 Male Body Language

Here are some interesting facts about male body language:

1. Men and Body Language Cues

Men use different areas of their brain to read body language and often are not as good at reading body language as women.

  • Researcher Monika Moore found men often miss a women’s first courtship signal. On average women need to eye-gaze three times before a man takes notice.
  • Women might be better at reading body language because more of their brain is active when they evaluate other’s behavior. When in an MRI women have 14 to 16 active brain areas while evaluating others, whereas men only have 4 to 6 active.

2. Men, Women and Lying

Men and women lie differently. Their motivations for deception are different:

  • Men lie to appear more powerful, interesting, and successful. They lie about themselves eight times more than they lie about others.
  • Women lie less about themselves and more to protect others feelings or to make others feel better about themselves.

3. Men Like Availability Over All Else 

Which body language cue do men find the most attractive? Being available. Studies show that men are more attracted to a woman who engages in flirtation behavior to show she is available over the best-looking woman in the room.

Flirtation behaviors:

  • Smiling
  • Having an expressive face
  • Minimal arm crossing
  • Keeping hands outside of pockets
  • Intimate eye gazing (from the eyes to the mouth to the body)
  • Leaning towards the other person

4. What is a woman’s favorite male body part?

Legs, butt, chest or arms? Find out here.

Step #7 Female Body Language

Female body language or the body language of women is not all that different from males, however there are a few noticeable differences in female body language that both sexes can make note of:

1. Female Flirting Behavior

Men and women have completely different courtship behaviors. Here are some of the behaviors that women do (consciously and subconsciously) while trying to entice a man:

  • Like Marilyn Monroe, women who are trying to entice a man tend to raise their eyebrows and lower their lids because it looks similar to the face women make when they are experiencing pleasure.
  • Looking up and to the side at a man is another ‘come hither’ look from a woman to a man.
  • A sideways glance over a raised shoulder highlights curves and the roundness of the female face. This signifies estrogen and exposes the vulnerability of the neck and releases pheromones. Women instinctively do this when trying to flirt.
  • A woman’s outer genitals are proportionate to her lips. This is called self-mimicry and it helps attract males. Women call attention to their lips by wearing glossy or bright colored lipstick.
  • Women toss their hair or touch their neck when flirting because it exposes the armpit, which releases sex hormones, shows the curvature of the neck and highlights shiny healthy hair.

Women with large eyes, a small nose, full lips and high cheeks are seen by men as more attractive because these features are usually correlated with high levels of estrogen, which means the woman is more fertile. In men, women like legs, butt, and chest and arms. The majority of women favor a man’s butt as her favorite male body part.

2. Assertiveness vs Submissiveness

Women struggle with trying to stand their ground while not intimidating men. From a body language perspective this happens in a number of ways. Women use cues of ‘submissiveness’ to show vulnerability, but also can employ certain moves for assertiveness to show they are not pushovers.

  • Women pluck their eyebrows higher up their forehead because it makes them look more helpless. This causes a hormone release in a man’s brain connected with protecting and defending the female.
  • Oddly, a limp wrist or exposed wrists are a sign of submission and both women and homosexual men tend to do this subconsciously when in a room with people they want to attract. This is why while smoking, many women hold the cigarette with one wrist turned out and exposed.
  • When women want to be assertive they can stand with feet spread further apart. This ‘claiming of territory’ is a subconscious cue to men that the woman is feeling confident.

3. Women and Lying

Men and women lie differently. Their motivations for deception are different:

  • Men lie to appear more powerful, interesting, and successful. They lie about themselves eight times more than they lie about others.
  • Women lie less about themselves and more to protect others feelings or to make others feel better about themselves.

Read more tips on female body language here.

Step #8 13 Great First Date Questions

Whether you are going on your 1st or 10th date you need to have some great conversation starters.

According to the research, a flexible communication style—engaging questions, open-mindedness and easy back and forth is most effective.

Below I have outlined my favorite first date (or second, third or fourth) date questions and conversation starters. Here is what they will do for you:

  • Help you to more quickly gauge if you have a connection or not.
  • Get to know their personality, history and areas of compatibility more quickly.
  • Encourage great conversation.

1. Are you working on any personal passion projects? 

This is my go-to question and comes up very naturally if someone talks about a) being busy b) what they do for a living c) any hobbies. It can transition you into a nice broad discussion about hobbies and how they spend their time. It’s so much better than “What are your hobbies?”

2. What’s the best present you ever gave someone? Ever received?

If it is around the holidays or one of your birthdays you can talk about presents. This is also a great one if there is a birthday in the restaurant you are eating in!

3. What does a typical day look like for you?

Don’t ask “What do you do?” Instead, ask them about their typical day. This question will give you much more robust answers and you will learn far more about a person than just “What do you do?” You can find out if they are an early riser, how they spend their free time and typically their job will come up as well. I have found that you don’t really need to ask about their career–it usually comes up naturally.

4. I was reading this _____ and they said____.

I am a big fan of bringing up books and articles on first dates. Here are my favorite books that stimulate interesting conversations.

5. Is there anything you don’t eat?

This one comes up really easily if you are ordering food. It can produce some really easy conversation and might provide you with some great tidbits.

Get all 13 Great First Date Questions here

Step #9 The 3 Stages of Love

What are the stages of love? How do you know when you are in love? Here is an overview of the 3 stages.

Stage 1: Lust

Lust is that wild with desire stage. It is dominated by the sex hormones testosterone and estrogen. Testosterone pumps in both men and women pushing sex drive, attraction and mating tendencies. Both men and women highlight their levels of testosterone and estrogen to show off their fertility and attract a mate.

Stage 2: Attraction

During the attraction phase couples are heady in love and are overcome with their feelings. Typically people can’t think of anything else—forgetting to eat and sleep. There are important neuro-transmitters that come into play during this stage.

  • Dopamine – Is released in our rewards center of the brain and makes us feel like we are winning a prize when we are with our beloved.
  • Norepinephrine – This is also called adrenalin and it causes us to literally feel our love by getting our heart pumping, making us blush and sweat around our new beau.

Discover how good you are at reading body language of your date with our Nonverbal Quiz.

Stage 3: Attachment

After the wild feelings of lust, and then the excitement of attraction, then comes attachment. The attachment phase helps couples grow bonds and feel connected to each other. It is where people decide to depend on their partner. Two hormones come into play here:

  • Oxytocin – This is also called the ‘cuddle hormone’ because it is released when we are touched, make eye contact and feel connected to someone.
  • Vasopressin – This little chemical comes into play to help us feel long-term connection with someone and preceded commitment.

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Book Descriptioncaptivate, captivate book, vanessa van edwards

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