In This Article
Learn how to predict someone's behavior by uncovering their self-narrative: the story they tell about themselves, revealed by a few research-backed questions.
Say you’ve known her for years: vacations together, constant texts, monthly game nights. Then one dinner you ask which fictional character she’s most like, and the answer stops you mid-sip: a fierce survivor from a dystopian thriller. “Most people don’t know this,” she says quietly, “but I feel like I’m fighting to keep it together every single day.”
Years of friendship, and you never knew.
That’s the strange thing about people. The behaviors that seem unpredictable from the outside almost always make perfect sense once we know the story someone is telling about themselves. Learn to hear that story, and you can predict a surprising amount about how a person will act.
Where Behavior Actually Comes From
If you want to predict what someone will do, look past their job title or their personality quiz result and find their self-narrative.
A self-narrative is the internal story a person tells about who they are… where they came from, what they’ve overcome and where they believe they’re headed. Psychologists who study narrative identity have found that this inner story has measurable effects.1 It shapes the choices people make and even their long-term well-being. People who frame their setbacks as stories of growth, for instance, tend to be more resilient and more satisfied with life.
Once we know someone’s story, their decisions stop looking random. Someone whose narrative is “I’m the one who overcomes the odds” will push through a setback that would stop someone else cold. Someone whose story is “I always get let down” may pull away the moment things get hard, even when they care deeply.
In her upcoming book Conversation (Portfolio/Penguin, October 2026), Vanessa Van Edwards calls self-narratives “North Stars.” Once you know someone’s, you know the direction they’re heading. The question is how to uncover it. Two conversation questions get you most of the way there.
Question 1: “Who Do You Look Up To?”
A person’s hero is a portrait of who they secretly want to become!
Ask someone who they admire (a mentor, a role model, anyone they look up to) and you get a peek at their aspirational self! The magic lives in the follow-up.
Always ask why!
If someone says they admire a humanitarian, listen for whether they’re drawn to the compassion or the courage. If they name a founder, notice whether it’s the creativity or the empire that lights them up. The trait they point to is the value behind their own decisions.
Try this: Next time you want to understand someone, ask, “Who do you look up to in the way they live their life?” Then ask, “What is it about them?” The second question is where the real insight comes out!
A quick word of caution: when someone tells you what inspires them, believe them. If a new hire says they admire a creator known for “outrageous, attention-grabbing stunts,” don’t be shocked when outrageous, attention-grabbing behavior follows.
Question 2: “What Character Are You Most Like?”
This is the single most revealing question for uncovering a self-narrative, and it sounds like a party game!
Ask: “What book, movie or TV character are you most like, and why?”
If you ask people to describe themselves directly (“So, what’s your self-narrative?”), they freeze. It’s far too abstract. But ask about a character, and we hand them a safe, creative outlet. People project their private struggles and secret strengths onto a fictional persona far more easily than they’d admit them outright.
The magic, again, is in the why. If someone says “I’m Iron Man,” you still have no idea what they mean. Brilliant and inventive? Or hiding behind armor? You only learn which when you ask the follow-up.
The name they choose tells you little. The reason they choose it tells you everything.
Pro Tip: If someone gives a surface-level answer (“I love Elle Woods because pink is my color”), don’t push. A light answer is its own signal. It tells you they’re not ready to go deep yet, and that’s useful information too. You can gently invite more: “Oh, do you have a secret ambition to be a negotiator?” and see if they open the door.
More Questions That Reveal the Story
The two questions above get you most of the way, but a few others slip past people’s defenses just as well. Keep them light and curious:
“What would the title of your memoir be?” People answer fast, and the title is a tidy summary of how they see their whole life. “A Work in Progress” is the common dodge, so gently nudge for something truer.
“Which [favorite show] character are you most like?” When a broad character question stalls, narrowing it to a world they love (which Harry Potter house, which Office character) gets a quick, revealing answer.
“Who do you wish you were more like?” Their answer points straight at the gap between who they are and who they want to become, which is rich ground for connection.
As always, the gold is in the follow-up. Ask why, then listen for the values underneath.
Listen for Narrative Hints in Everyday Talk
You won’t always have the opening to ask a power question. We all scatter clues to our self-narrative through ordinary conversation anyway, if you know what to listen for.
Vanessa calls these narrative hints: the small phrases that crack open someone’s deeper story. They sound like:
“I’m the kind of person who…” (a direct identity statement)
“That’s just my luck.” (a hint at how they explain their setbacks)
“I always end up being the one who…” (a recurring role they cast themselves in)
When you catch one, don’t let it float past. Reflect it back gently: “It sounds like you often end up being the responsible one. Has that always been your role?” That single follow-up can take a surface chat somewhere real.
Try this: In your next few conversations, listen for just one narrative hint. Once you start noticing them, you’ll hear them everywhere!
What to Do Once You Know
Predicting behavior is really about understanding people well enough to support them and handle your relationship with them wisely.
Once you know someone’s story, honor it:
If a teammate sees themselves as the underestimated underdog, give them a real chance to prove themselves.
If a friend’s narrative is “I take care of everyone,” watch for the moment they need someone to take care of them.
If a partner’s story is built on hard-won independence, frame your support as backup they can call on when they choose.
This is the deepest level of conversation… seeing people as they see themselves. (To get there, you first have to truly hear them; our guide on listening skills shows how.)
Frequently Asked Questions
Can you really predict someone's behavior from a conversation?
Not perfectly, but you can anticipate a surprising amount once you understand someone’s self-narrative, the story they tell about who they are. Research on narrative identity shows this inner story shapes people’s choices and how they handle setbacks. When you know someone frames themselves as a survivor, a helper or an underdog, their reactions become far more predictable.
What is the best question to understand someone quickly?
Ask, “What book, movie or TV character are you most like, and why?” It sounds like a casual icebreaker, but it gives people a safe way to reveal how they truly see themselves. The most important part is the follow-up “why”: The reason they identify with a character tells you far more than the character itself.
Why does asking about someone's role model work?
Because the person we admire is a portrait of who we aspire to be. When you ask who someone looks up to and then ask why, the specific trait they highlight (courage, creativity, loyalty, freedom) reveals the value behind their own decisions. Keep it a back-and-forth conversation and dig into the reasons.
Is predicting behavior the same as manipulating people?
No. Understanding someone’s self-narrative is about connecting with and supporting them more effectively. Once you know how a person sees themselves, you can honor that story: give an underdog the chance to prove themselves, or offer a caretaker the support they rarely ask for.
You Can Learn to Read the Story
When someone surprises you, get curious about the story underneath. Ask who they admire, or which character they feel most like. Whatever they say, follow it with the most powerful question of all: why?
Once you can hear the story someone tells about themselves, you’ll understand them on a level few people ever reach, and you’ll rarely be caught off guard again!
