How to Hold a Conversation With Anyone You’ve Just Met

Knowing how to start, hold, and end a conversation smoothly is one of the most important people skills you can have.

Watch our video below to learn more:

Let’s dive into the tips!

Create Conversational Intention

One of the biggest conversational mistakes is going into your events, dates, meetings, and parties without a clear direction.

You would never start driving to a new destination without the address, so why would you start a conversation without a goal in mind?

A conversation without a game plan is like driving without a map.

Think of one-sentence answers to the following while you prepare or drive to your event: Who, What, When, Why.

• Who: Who is hosting the event?
• What: What kinds of people are going?
• When: When is it, and what’s the schedule?
• Why: Why do you want to have great conversations? This is the most important one. Are you looking to meet new people? Drum up business? Or just have fun? This will dictate the types of questions you ask (coming next). 

Even a simple “I want to find some new clients” or “I want to have a great time” sets up an intention that means you are more likely to have a purpose while speaking to people.

Find Sparks

Once you have the conversation started, you want to keep it going. The most charismatic people look for conversation sparks. They bring up topics, look for ideas, and ask questions that spark energy or excite the person.

Sparks usually come from asking someone about topics that trigger dopamine. This is a chemical that makes us feel excited and engaged. I recommend triggering dopamine by bringing up topics that will help someone feel joy.

Here are my favorite sparking questions:

• Have any big vacation plans coming up?
• Working on anything exciting recently?
• What’s the best part of your week?
• Tried any new restaurants lately?
• Working on any personal passion projects at the moment?

For more conversational spark ideas, head on over: How to Have and Hold Dazzling Conversation With Anyone

Use Friendly Body Language

We make our first impression in the first few seconds of seeing someone—this happens sometimes before you even start talking. In fact, researchers have found^{1 2https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1111/j.1467-9280.2006.01750.x3} that people can make accurate judgments of each other within just 1/10th of a second!

When we first see someone, our brain tries to gauge if they are friends or foes. You want to convey “friend” signals right off the bat. Here’s how to have open body language right when you walk in the door:

• Keep your hands visible
• Roll your shoulders down and back so they are nice and relaxed
• Smile when you see someone you recognize or you want to talk to
• Make eye contact as you walk towards them or say hello

Want to truly make every conversation count? Never have an awkward silence or boring conversation again with this goodie:

Jerry Seinfeld’s Conversation Hack

Have you ever watched Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee? (Best. Sunday. Morning. Treat. Ever!)

Jerry Seinfeld gave an amazing social tip: make small talk whenever he meets strangers. And this tip ALWAYS works because there will ALWAYS be an answer from the other person.

What is this tip? Watch the video below to find out:

Use Conversation Openers

What is the best conversation opener you have ever heard?

What is your go-to conversation starter?

The hardest part of a conversation is the opener. We tend to agonize over who and how to approach someone for a conversation. But don’t worry! A few conversation starters are the easiest way to get the chit-chat ball rolling.

• Sometimes, the most effective conversation starter is a simple “Hello, what brings you here?” It’s super easy, but it works!
• You can always use context to help. Ask how the wine is or comment on the venue or event. These are extremely subtle and make it easy to strike up a conversation.
• Try the “Human Google”^{4 https://youtu.be/Cbyc7mscFlA?si=SKLxlJmpDv_xC74o&t=44} approach. If there’s a question on your mind that you’d consider asking Google, just ask the person next to you! It could be anything from “Do you know when this event ends?” to “What exactly is a sommelier?”
• Try the “Human Twitter”^{5 https://youtu.be/Cbyc7mscFlA?si=UwVoyrN_IkAOesQt&t=205} approach. What statement would you type into Twitter at a given moment? Try saying it to the person next to you. It doesn’t have to be profound. Even something like “Wow, that was an awesome speech!” is enough to get the conversation rolling.

We also have 68 killer conversation starters you can use in almost any situation. Keep them in your back pocket for meeting new people or before your next networking event.

Captivate with Personal Stories

I listen to A LOT of podcasts. One of my favorites is the Tim Ferriss podcast^{6https://tim.blog/podcast/}. He interviews the most fascinating people and asks really interesting, deep-diving questions.

On one of his podcasts with Jimmy Chin^{7 8http://fourhourworkweek.com/2015/10/20/the-athlete-and-artist-who-cheats-death-jimmy-chin/3} , a professional climber, Jimmy talked about advice he would give first-time climbers. This was interesting, but then he started telling a story to back up his advice about one of his first climbs. 

As soon as he started the story, I was sucked into it. I leaned in, gasped at the surprises, and held my breath for the ending. The story mentally captured me, and I felt a physiological response while he told it. I will remember his advice far more from the story than his tips, even though the story was not as direct.

• What are your favorite stories to tell?
• What is a story you can tell to back up a claim?
• How can you answer in anecdotes?

I talk about how to tell great stories in my book Captivate:

[Captivate Block]

Use Visual Metaphors

Visual metaphors explain ideas or feelings in a non-boring way.

If someone calls you and asks how you’re doing, for example, you might normally say, “I’m quite busy at the moment.”

BUT using a visual metaphor, you might say, “I feel like I’m juggling too many balls in the air and they’re all about to fall.”

Here are some interesting visual metaphors you can use:

• Starting a New Project: “It’s like stepping into a dense forest without a map.”
• Balancing Multiple Responsibilities: “I feel like I’m juggling flaming torches.”
• Facing a Challenge: “It’s like climbing a steep mountain without any gear.”
• Feeling Stuck: “I feel like I’m treading water in the middle of an ocean.”
• Making Progress: “It feels like I’m finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.”
• Excited for the Future: “I feel like I’m standing on the edge of a thrilling adventure.”
• Learning Something New: “It’s like piecing together a complex puzzle.”

Try the Echo Technique

The Echo Technique involves repeating the last few words someone says to keep the conversation flowing and show you’re actively listening. Think of the Echo Technique as the conversational boomerang. Someone throws you a phrase. You catch it and whip it back with a twist.

Why does this work?

• It keeps the focus on them, which people tend to like—a lot.
• It nudges the dialogue forward without you having to break a sweat.
• It signals you’re listening, not just waiting for your turn to talk.

For example, I met an interesting person at a networking event earlier this week. They said, “I’ve been learning sign language.” I tossed back, “Sign language?” Try it your next conversation and see the magic happen!

Mirror & Amplify

Reflect the emotions or enthusiasm of the person you’re speaking with and then take it up a notch.

Here’s how:

Pay attention to the emotional tone and energy level of the conversation. Note when the other person seems particularly excited, passionate, or concerned about a topic.

Reflect their emotion back to them by matching their tone and enthusiasm. For example, if they’re excited about a recent trip to Mexico, show equal excitement in your response: “That sounds incredible! I’ve heard very good things about Mexico!”

Take their emotion one step further by amplifying it. If they’re excited about a recent job promotion, respond with heightened enthusiasm and a follow-up that shows you value their experience: “That’s amazing! You must feel so proud. What was the highlight of the job promotion for you?”

Pro Tip: Amplifying can be great if the other person also responds well! But, monitor your own emotional level to avoid coming off as overly emotional. Here’s a funny clip of how mirroring and amplifying can be used:

Bookmark Different Parts of The Conversation

Bookmarking is more of an advanced technique when you add verbal markers or vocal emphasis to a certain part of the conversation that can create a deeper connection. 

Here are the different types:

• Future Mentions: Let’s say you are talking about conferences, and someone mentions they will attend the same one as you in a few months. If you like the person, you can “bookmark” it by saying, “I’m headed there as well; we should get coffee after one of the sessions.” This is a bookmark that you can follow up on later.
• Inside Jokes: These are my favorite—they are rare but lovely when they happen. Let’s say you are chatting with someone, and something interesting or funny happens. You can create a bookmark and then mention it to repeat the laugh later. I also call this “Milking the Joke.” For example, on a flight, I joked with a fellow passenger about how quickly they took our nuts away. We met up for dinner, and we both joked about eating fast in case they took it away. Whenever they served us coffee, we giggled about hiding the mug in case they had to “clean it up.”
• Same Same: Sometimes you can verbalize a “same-same” moment. A same-same moment is when you both find out you have a similar interest, background, or commonality. You bookmark it by exclaiming how crazy it is that you share that common ground. We can thank the similarity-attraction effect^{9 https://www.apa.org/pubs/journals/releases/psp-pspi0000425.pdf} for this one, which is a psychological principle that states that we are drawn to people who are similar to us.
• You Have to See: Sometimes, you can bookmark with a follow-up mention. I often bring up books, videos, or articles I like to people while speaking to them. If they give me an eyebrow and seem interested, I will bookmark it by saying, “I’ll be sure to Tweet you the link so you can check it out!”

The Unfinished Sentence

Have you ever felt…  The Unfinished Sentence Technique involves deliberately leaving a sentence… unfinished!

Here’s how to use it:

Begin sharing something intriguing but stop just before completing the thought. For example, “Yesterday, I saw the most amazing thing while walking through the park, and it made me think about…”

Pause. Allow a moment of silence to let the other person’s curiosity build. This pause encourages them to ask for more details.

Once they show interest, continue with the rest of your story or fact. “It made me think about how we often miss the little wonders around us. There was this artist creating beautiful chalk drawings on the pavement.”

Use this technique sparingly and naturally, ensuring it fits the flow of the conversation and doesn’t come off as forced.

Use The “FORM Framework”

Don’t know what to talk about? The “FORM Framework” (Family, Occupation, Recreation, Motivation) is a great and usually safe start. Focus on these four topics:

1. Family: Start with questions about their background and family. “Where are you from originally? Do you have family there?”
2. Occupation: Move on to their work or studies. “What do you do for a living? How did you get into that field?”
3. Recreation: Ask about their hobbies and interests. “What do you enjoy doing in your free time? Any favorite activities or sports?”
4. Motivation: Explore what drives them. “What inspires you in your work? What goals are you currently working towards?”

The Secret is in the Eyebrows

I want to teach you one of the easiest and most fun nonverbal conversation tricks:

The eyebrow raises. 

Across cultures, raising an eyebrow is what we do when we hear or see something interesting. Seeing someone do it in conversation often means you have said something engaging or brought up a topic that piques their curiosity.

The eyebrow raise is the physical indicator of a spark. It clues you into a topic that they might like to discuss. Look out for this cue in your next convo!

The “Future Self” Technique

Visualization is a great technique! Ask someone to imagine themselves a year, five years, or ten years in the future and reflect on their situation. Ask: “What advice would your future self give you about the situation you’re in right now?”

The Odd Detail Prompt

Look around in the environment for a bit. What stands out to you—even in the slightest? It could be someone who has a small ring on their pinky. Or perhaps you notice there’s a keychain on someone’s backpack.

Instead of pushing away that observation like it’s unimportant, bring it up: “Hey! I like your ring. Is there any significance to it?” or “Cool keychain! I noticed it’s a microphone—do you do public speaking?”

Use Interest Probes

Studies^{10https://news.ku.edu/news/article/2016/02/19/new-study-finds-our-desire-minded-others-hard-wired-controls-friend-and-partner} suggest that we are hard-wired to seek out others who are like-minded. Finding commonalities with others can greatly improve the quality of conversation and overall social bonding.

At a networking event, rather than the standard “What do you do?” ask something like, “What’s something exciting you’ve worked on recently?” or “Have you picked up any new hobbies or interests lately?”

These questions are designed to uncover passions and pastimes without putting the other person on the spot.

When discovering a shared interest, delve deeper with genuine curiosity: “You’re into kayaking too? I’ve been looking for new routes. Do you have any favorites?”

The Curiosity Gap Technique

You can take the above principle and turn it around to focus on yourself, too. The Curiosity Gap Technique involves sparking interest by mentioning interesting details without giving away the whole story.

Start by mentioning a fascinating detail or fact without elaborating too much. For example, “I cooked the most amazing dish last weekend.” When they ask for more, give just enough detail to keep them interested, but still leave some mystery. “It involved a surprise visit to a famous chef’s kitchen.”

Share the full story piece by piece, maintaining the other person’s interest throughout the conversation and watch their amazement unfold before your eyes!

Pro Tip: Use the curiosity gap to transition into related topics, keeping the conversation flowing and engaging. “That kitchen visit made me think about how we often overlook hidden gems in our own cities. What’s the most surprising place you’ve discovered?”

Swap Perspectives

One fun technique is to consider a situation from a different angle or perspective.

The situation could be a current event, a personal experience, or a common scenario. “I’ve been thinking about remote work and how it’s changing our daily routines.”

Ask their opinion, and once they’ve shared their perspective, gently introduce the idea of looking at it from another angle. “That’s interesting. How do you think managers feel about remote work compared to employees?”

Here are some more situations you might use a perspective swap:

• Travel Experiences: Comparing travel styles or destinations. “What’s your favorite travel destination? Now, what do you think would be the ideal vacation spot for a family with young children?”
• Education Methods: Debating different teaching styles. “What do you think about traditional versus online education from a student’s perspective? How about from a teacher’s perspective?”
• Parenting Approaches: Sharing parenting techniques. “What are your thoughts on strict versus lenient parenting? How do you think kids view each approach compared to parents?”
• Cultural Practices: Understanding cultural differences. “How do you celebrate holidays in your culture? What do you think about how these celebrations are perceived by people from different backgrounds?”

The Shared Endeavor Technique

Ready for a more advanced technique? Engage in a conversation to discover a joint venture or project, however small it might be.

Begin by identifying a common challenge or curiosity within the conversation. For example, you both establish reading as a hobby, but work/kids/stress keep those books at bay. 

Once you find a common problem, propose a mini-project or activity that you can contribute to. This could be as simple as deciding to read and discuss the same book or as complex as starting a community garden.

Special Note: Not everyone is up for doing other things—whether it be their busy schedule, a lack of initiative, or perhaps they’re just not interested. Don’t fret. It’s all part of the process; learning how to handle rejection is vital.

The Curiosity-Piquing Quirk Reveal

Flip the script on a small talk by introducing a quirk—something uniquely you and uncommon enough to pique interest and invite further inquiry.

Imagine you’re mingling in a coffee shop where the topic is favorite morning routines. Instead of “I start my day with a coffee,” you could offer, “I have this peculiar habit of solving a Rubik’s Cube every morning—it somehow kickstarts my brain.”

Here are some more great, interesting examples:

• Deliberately wearing socks of different colors or patterns as a personal style statement or good luck charm.
• Enjoying unconventional food pairings, like dipping fries in ice cream or adding hot sauce to popcorn.
• Switching hands for different tasks, like writing with the left hand but throwing a ball with the right.
• Using outdated technology for everyday tasks, such as writing on a typewriter or listening to music on a Walkman.
• Predicting the weather based on old wives’ tales or personal signs rather than using a weather app.

Find the curious quirks that make you unique!

Ask For Advice On Their Passion or Hobby

One powerful mindset to have is that anyone can be our teachers. Whoever you’re talking to, chances are, they’re good or experienced at something that you’re interested in.

This simple tip is to find that something and ask them about it!

For example, if someone talks about their love for public speaking, you could say, “I admire that so much! I used to get really nervous about it, but I’ve been working on getting better. Do you have any tips?”

Important Note: While it’s important to be honest, try to frame your vulnerability in a way that’s constructive or positive. For instance, “I’m really trying to get better at networking. Do you have any favorite icebreakers?” This keeps the conversation uplifting while also avoiding sounding like a people pleaser.

Ask “What If?”

Have you ever played the “What if?” game? The fun of it is that you can do it anywhere! For example, if discussing travel, ask, “Imagine you could visit any country in the world for free, but you could only stay for one week. Where would you go and why?”

Here are some more fun “what if’s”:

• If you could teleport to any city in the world for one day, where would you go and what would you do?
• If you could have any superpower for a week, what would you choose and how would you use it?
• If you could switch careers and be instantly successful at something completely different, what job would you choose?
• If you could visit any historical period for a month, when and where would you go?
• If you had an unlimited budget to create your dream home, what unique features would you include?
• If you could invite any three celebrities (living or dead) to dinner, who would you choose and why?
• If you could design your perfect day from start to finish, what would it look like?

Pro Tip: Dive deeper with follow-ups. “What’s one unique experience you’d hope to have in Japan? Would you try something adventurous like sushi-making or a traditional tea ceremony?”

Bring Up a Relevant Friend

Want to involve your friends in the convo without actually having them around? Skillfully referencing someone you know in the conversation who has relevance to the topic is a great strategy that shows you’re well-connected.

When the opportunity arises, mention someone relevant to the conversation. For instance, you might be chatting about new entrepreneur strategies with a stranger. You might say something like, “I was chatting with my friend Sarah, who runs a tech startup, and she shared this interesting approach to scaling a business quickly.”

If the other person shows interest, provide more context or anecdotes involving the named individual. “It was fascinating because Sarah started with just a small team and now they’re a leading company in their niche.”

Use this sparingly—you definitely don’t want to name drop too often but an occasional name drop or two can really help!

Harness the Power of “Bridge Phrases”

Consider conversation as a game of tennis. You want to keep the ball in play to maintain the rally. Bridge phrases are your topspin and slices—they add variety and keep the exchange dynamic.

For instance, when someone shares an experience, a typical response might be, “That’s interesting!” Instead, try “That’s interesting, it reminds me of…” or “That’s quite an experience, how did that shape your view on…?”

Examples in Action:

• From Personal to Universal: If someone talks about their recent kayaking adventure, instead of just nodding, you might say, “Kayaking in rapids sounds exhilarating! I just thought of an interesting connection to life—kayaking, with its up and down rapids, is kind of like the ups and downs of life.” You’ve just connected a personal story to a universal truth, opening a gateway to a deeper conversation.
• From Present to Past, or Future: They mention they’ve started learning the guitar. A bridge phrase can be, “That’s fantastic. What inspired you to start? Did a certain artist or song spark that interest?” or “Where do you see this musical journey taking you?” Suddenly, you’re not just talking about the guitar but also personal inspirations and aspirations.
• From Fact to Feeling: They share a fact: “I just finished reading this amazing book.” Instead of a simple “What’s it about?”, you could say, “I can see you’re excited about it. What about the book moved you?” This transitions the conversation from the cerebral to the emotional.

Next time you find yourself in a conversation, consider bridge phrases as your Swiss Army knife—versatile, handy, and always impressive when used with skill.

Encourage Reciprocity

No matter how great your body language is or how many funny stories you tell, if you commit a conversational sin, you will turn people off. The biggest deal breaker is “Conversational Mooching.”

Do you know when you ask someone a question, and they answer but don’t ask you back? You ask them where they are from, and they say “New York” and then are silent.

We expect reciprocity in conversations.

My three favorite words? Not “I love you” — although those are good too! Always ask people, “How about you?” after you finish answering. These three little words are perfect for encouraging reciprocity^{11https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/36165095/#:~:text=Abstract,the%20achievement%20of%20one’s%20goals.} .

Special Note: One other conversational sin is being a one-upper. A one-upper is someone who constantly has to outdo you or your story. You had a bad day—well, they had an even worse one! You traveled to 20 countries—well, they traveled to 25 AND have done all 50 states! Let people enjoy their moment and celebrate with them; don’t one-up them.

In fact, this is just one of the many toxic traits found in our guide: 41 Toxic Personality Traits To Spot in Yourself And Others

Listen in a Way that Encourages Opening Up

We listen with our non-verbal cues. The tone of the “mm” and “uh huh” noises. We also listen to the way we nod and the facial expressions we make while nodding. We listen with the amount of silence we give to a person when they’re sharing. We listen with our questions and our reflections. Listening is an art form in itself, and here are a few more tips on how to listen skillfully.

But as it relates to holding a conversation well, you could consider this question before entering a conversation: “What do I want to listen for?”

Do you want to listen to their inspiration? For their strengths? For their heart? For their pain?

If you can bring intentionality to what you listen for, it will draw a different side out of that person and can make the conversation that much more fulfilling.

Treat Them Like You’re Already Friends

When you’re with your close friends, conversations flow easily. 

You can use this knowledge to create a connection with a new person. Just pretend you’re already friends!

We usually filter ourselves with new people. We block the first thought that comes up to seem more polite or civil. But with close friends, there is no filter. 

See if you can pretend you are already friends with this person and let that dissolve your filter.

“You Know What That Makes Me Think Of…”

Some people are good at asking questions but get stuck on what to share about themselves. If you ask too many questions, a conversation can feel like an interview. So it’s good to balance asking and sharing.

And this prompt works great for sharing. Every time they say something, you can simply respond, “You know what that makes me think of?” Then just say the first thing that comes up! No matter how random.

This will help you create flow and build the conversation up.

Know How to Exit a Conversation

You’ve started a conversation, sparked stories, and gotten to know each other—now you have to end it. Sometimes, the art of the last impression is just as hard as nailing the first impression. 

The art of ending a conversation is easy. I have an entire post on the art of a lasting impression, but I encourage you to use bookmarks to end well.

• Future Mentions: “Well, I can’t wait to see you at that ___ coming up—I’ll email you!”
• Inside Jokes: “It was great laughing with you. I’ll be sure to ___ in the future ;)”
• Same Same: “I’m so glad I met a fellow ___ fan. You made my night!”
• You Have to See: “I’ll be sure to send that link your way. It was great talking to you!”

Want more? Read on: 62 Ways to Politely End a Conversation In ANY Situation

[AdThrive Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cujUSFamR4I]

Reflect After Having a Conversation

I know after an event or date, you can be tired, and all you want to do is flip on some Netflix and call it a night. But take a few minutes to do a post-mortem. This can be in your head as you drive home, talking with a spouse or roommate, or writing in a journal. Answer the following three questions:

• What went well tonight?
• What did I learn?
• Who should I follow up with?

The art of conversation is a skill—you have to keep learning and honing your ability. Your post-mortems can help you identify patterns and remember to follow up on bookmarks, LinkedIn connections, and promises.

How to Hold a Conversation Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)

Takeaways on How to Hold a Conversation

Best of luck with all your future conversations! Just keep in mind these tips, and you’ll definitely make some great connections:

• Conversational Intention Gives You Purpose: Establish a clear purpose for the conversation before you go into it.
• Approach As Friend, Not Foe: Relax your body and smile as you meet someone.
• Jerry Seinfeld’s Conversation Hack: Ask questions that have a numerical answer (e.g., “How many years have you lived here?”)
• Use Conversation Openers: Even just a simple “Hi, how’s it going?” is a great opener!
• Bookmarking: Mark specific points in the conversation to create motifs and threads to continue the connection later.
• Find Sparks: Look for areas of excitement and passion to keep the conversation inspired and to avoid awkwardness.
• The Secret is in the Eyebrows: When you notice an eyebrow raise, it means interest. Go into that topic!
• Captivate with Stories: Storytelling is powerful and can make your points emotional and memorable.
• Encourage Reciprocity: Seek conversational balance.
• Exits: Exit a conversation using one of the bookmark tips.
• The Post-Mortem: After a conversation, reflect on how you showed up as a conversation partner. What went well? What’d you learn? Where do you need to follow up?

If you’d like some tips on how to open a conversation, check out these 68 killer conversation starters.

Sources:

Willis, J., & Todorov, A. (2006). First Impressions: Making Up Your Mind After a 100-Ms Exposure to a Face. Psychological Science, 17(7), 592-598. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-9280.2006.01750.x

Greco C, Esposito A, Cordasco G, Matarazzo O. Reciprocity versus Self-Interest in a Competitive Interaction Context: An Experimental Study. Psychol Rep. 2024 Apr;127(2):827-850. doi: 10.1177/00332941221129137. Epub 2022 Sep 27. PMID: 36165095.

Study finds our desire for “like-minded others” is hard-wired. (n.d.). KU News. Retrieved February 5, 2024, from https://news.ku.edu/news/article/2016/02/19/new-study-finds-our-desire-minded-others-hard-wired-controls-friend-and-partner

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