How to Make Friends As An Adult (The Easy Way)

I hit my social peak at five years old. Kindergarten was “da bomb,” let me tell you.

I was double-booked for play dates. I frequently had three, yes, THREE birthday parties on the same weekend. During lunch, I had a system to hang out with all of my friends. I would eat my sandwich at the blue table, eat my carrots at the green table, and eat dessert at the red table (where the best swapping was).

At recess, it was agony trying to decide if I should play tag, do the monkey bars, or trade stickers at the big oak in the corner of the playground—often panting while trying to do all three. When the end-of-school bell rang, I would skip along the line of waiting mothers in their parked cars and high-five all of my friends as they pulled away. Sometimes, I cried before “having” to go away on school break.

And then… middle school. It went downhill from there.

Why is it so hard to make friends as an adult? Am I the only one who struggles with this?! I want to teach you how to make friends as an adult.

I was waiting to board a plane at an airport the other day and overheard two little boys have this incredible interaction:

Hi, I like trucks.

I like trucks, too. This is my dinosaur.

Cool! Can I be your friend?

Yes! Let’s play with dinosaurs on trucks.

Watch our video below to learn how to be more sociable:

I wish I could walk up to someone nice, tell them something I liked, and then ask them to be my friend. If only it were that easy! For some reason, becoming adult friends gets much trickier. Here’s why:

• We meet fewer new people. We no longer have new classes every semester like we did in college, an infinite number of high school clubs, or sports or summer camps to attend.
• Our priorities have changed. As kids, priority number one is fun. You want to play. You have recess, school vacations, after-school play dates, and camp. As adults, we work, we have family responsibilities, and we have to pay bills. Oftentimes, play, fun, and relaxation take a backseat.
• We’re too cool. Let’s be honest: asking someone to be your friend sounds lame. Why? Because it’s terrifying! They might say no. So, we act like we’re too busy for friends, like we’re too old for play dates, and like we don’t need anyone anyway.

It’s also scary.

• We’re afraid of being rejected, so we don’t put ourselves out there.
• We’re worried that someone might be secretly toxic, so we hold back.
• We’re worried about being taken advantage of, so we pull away.

But here’s the thing. Friends matter. Money will come and go, and career success will fade in later years, but friends only make you richer. I believe that finding, building, and maintaining fulfilling friendships is one of the most important things we do in our lifetime. I know it’s hard. But I have a big idea. I want to give you a different approach to making friends:

Friendship is the new romance.

I feel incredibly blessed to have found the most amazing group of friends after many, many years of awkward searching. They love to dress up in crazy costumes, are willing to participate in my science experiments (usually) and put up with my weird antics (like asking to be blindfolded and seeing if I can recognize each of them by scent).

We attempt to play soccer together:

(We have won only one game so far. #winnersatheart)

We have weird theme parties:

(Dress Like Your Heritage)

(Dress in all white and have a spontaneous picnic)

(Christmas Toga Party…because why not?!)

We have adventures:

(My husband humored me by taking the only 2-person kayak because I was afraid to go alone)

Looking back, I realized we had gone through a courtship process of sorts. (They are going to tease me mercilessly for writing this post; I am sure of it). It made me begin looking into the process of making friends. I was fortunate enough to talk to readers all around the world who have found their “best friends.” Except for the lucky few who had friends from childhood, those who had found adult friends had experiences remarkably similar to mine. They had to “date their friends” first.

So, I want you to court your companions. Flirt with friends. Date your peers. I want you to think about making friends like dating but without heartbreak.

We search for soulmates, so why not best friends?

It’s totally okay to make a New Year’s resolution about finding your soulmate and spending time and money on dates wooing the perfect romantic partner, but for some reason, it’s weird to say that your goal is to find a best friend.

Let’s change that. In this post, I want to show you how you can search for your best friend. Whatever this means to you—build your buddy system, hone your homies, meet your mates:

• How to find the right kind of friends
• How to transition from acquaintance to confidante
• How to build solid friendships

Warning: I know it feels a little weird to be talking about the science of making friends—to break down friendship into steps. But unfortunately, the art of building friendships often gets lost in childhood. I think friendships are important and worth the effort. And hey, so does one of the longest studies on happiness^{1https://www.adultdevelopmentstudy.org/} (more on that below). So, I have broken down the process into steps so we can relearn this essential skill.

The Science of Making Friends as an Adult

Go through the following list of steps, just like you would court a new date. You are going to court your new friends.

Friend-Matching: Scouting Your Ideal Friend

Let’s say you’re newly single and ready to mingle. What’s the first thing you do? Most people think about the kind of person they want to meet. If you’re a woman, you probably made a list. Something like this, perhaps?

• witty
• outdoorsy
• smart
• stable job
• family-oriented

Then, you look at the list and think about where you might find this type of person. You either join the most relevant online dating website or join a local group or class to find this “type” of person. A list like this also makes you more attuned to spot this person when you see them.

If you know who you’re looking for, it becomes easier to find them.

Go through the following prompts:

• What kind of person do you love hanging out with?
• What made a childhood friendship so special? 
• What kind of person fits well with your personality?
• What activities would you love to have a partner for?

Look at the list above and see if anyone you already know pops into your head. It could even be a distant relative, a friend of a friend, or a spouse of a colleague. If no one pops into your head, that’s okay. You are starting from scratch. Make a list of places, groups, clubs, classes, and social networks where you might meet the kind of person above:

Friend-Flirting: Sparking Casual Connections

This is the most important step for making adult friendships. Flirting. Adults make two mistakes that get them all mucked up when it comes to making friends:

• They go too fast. Just like in a romantic relationship, if you go too fast in a friendship, you might end up being friends with the wrong kind of person. All of a sudden, you find out something you don’t like. They become clingy, you pull away, awkwardness all around.
• They never ask. This is just like having a crush on someone but never asking them out. Many adults think or hope someone might be a good friend, but they never pursue it because they are afraid of rejection, aren’t sure how, or have convinced themselves they don’t have enough time.

Flirting helps with both. Flirting is how you test the waters, how you get to know someone to see if there’s chemistry, and how you stave off rejection. Whether you already have someone in mind or you are going to go to a few events and meet new people, here are three ways you can friendship flirt:

1. Fun Tease: Friends are for fun, for play, and for relaxation. One of the easiest ways you can see friendship compatibility is to see if you are into the same things. Just like on a date, you want to float things you enjoy and see if they do, too. You can mention a concert you went to last month. Ask what they are up to this weekend. Talk about your favorite sports team. Bring up a new sport/class/book you have been wanting to dive into and see what they say.
2. Value Tease: Besides being a companion for activities, the best of friends also need to provide emotional support. This is often where friends and best friends divide. As you get to know someone, you want to know if they have the same values as you. For example, I had a great friend who thought it was extravagant to spend money on travel. She loved being home and didn’t see the point of going elsewhere. We got along in almost every other dimension, but I LOVE to travel. I do it all the time for work and pleasure. Every time I had a trip coming up (always), we would get into the same argument about it. In the end, it drove us both nuts about the other. This sounds small and silly, but it matters in terms of you having to respect your friends and their opinions and their decisions, even if they aren’t the same as your own. You don’t have to have the same values, but you have to be able to understand your friend’s point of view and respect them for it.
3. Feeling: Most importantly, as you are interacting with a potential friend, tap into how they make you feel. Do you laugh with them? Do they make you feel excited? Intrigued? Engaged? You want people who make you feel good. And, of course, it has to go both ways. That’s called wooing…

Friend-Wooing: Nurturing Closer Bonds

By this point, you have someone (or a few people) in your life who you think might make a great friend. You want to pursue them, go on some dates, and spend more time together. How? Here, we borrow a saying from weddings.

In the United States, some brides wear four unique items on their wedding day for luck (or just for fun). Something old, such as a vintage ring; something new, such as a new wedding dress; something borrowed, such as their mother’s veil; and something blue, such as a blue garter. I find this is an easy way to think about different types of wooing. 

Here are four easy ways to “ask someone out:”

• Something Old: Do you have an old favorite? Favorite movie? Favorite restaurant? Favorite dancing spot? This is a great way to have an excuse to hang out. For example, just recently, I was talking to a new potential friend about my favorite (and the only, in my opinion) genuine Mexican restaurant in Portland. “Oh wow! I love Mexican food,” she said. Bingo: fun tease. Then it was easy to say, “Cool. I was planning to go on Friday. You free?”
• Something New: I became friends with my friend Stephanie because we both had been dying to try something new: dance classes. We both were bemoaning how awful the gym was when she said she had heard about a cool Bollywood Dance class. Then, it was easy for me to ask if she wanted a partner in crime to try it out. We also have tried a cardio drumming class and a cook-around-the-world night. She is amazing. Want to try something new? Bring it up and see if they are interested in joining. This is both a fun tease and a woo.
• Something Borrowed: Friends lend us ideas, books, clothes, suitcases, and time. This is another great way to feel a new friendship. Have a book you love? Offer to loan it to them. My friend Samantha was wearing the most beautiful shawl—it looked so warm and fuzzy! I brought it up to her, and she so kindly said, “You must borrow it—I have two!” You also can borrow ideas. If you know something that might help someone else, offer to teach them. Are you a whiz with resumés? Offer to edit it for your new friend. Are you a great cook? Have a cooking day with a new friend if they are trying to learn their way around a kitchen. I started a Spanish + vegetarian cooking club exactly this way. Seven of us got together because we all were trying to practice our high school Spanish and learn to cook more vegetarian. It’s easy to make friends over a steaming tray of homemade tamales.
• Something Blue: I don’t mean actual blue; I mean sad blue. We all go through hard times. It might be you, it might be your new friend. You want foul- and fair-weather friends—those who are with you through the good times and the bad. At the beginning of the wooing process, it’s important to be honest. If you’re going through something, bring it up and see how they can help. This is a great way to know the depth of your potential friendship. I never will forget a time with my friend Lacy at the beginning of our friendship. Speaking of weddings, I was having a momentary freak out about my wedding dress. I was sure I had picked the wrong one (I hear this is normal). Anyway, I called Lacy in the middle of the day, and I asked her if she would be willing to come with me while I tried on my wedding dress one last time. She took the workday afternoon off, schlepped across town with me, and sat with me, being so incredibly supportive as I made her examine it from every angle. Yes, it was the right one. Yes, I couldn’t have done it without her. Yes, she is my best friend today.

Try one or all of these with a potential friend to get a “date” on the calendar to see if they might be a good fit.

Friend-Dating: Cementing Your Social Circle

Now comes the serious part. You have someone you like and slowly have been courting them. You’ve been doing a few things together here and there, and you feel they have bestie potential (Sorry, I couldn’t help myself). Now what? It’s time to see if the relationship has staying power. 

Most importantly, you want to know if you are good for each other.

According to a 2018 study by Professor Jeffrey Hall, it takes about 50 hours of time with someone to move from an acquaintance to a casual friend. To transition from a casual friend to a friend, it takes about 80–100 hours of together time, and to become good or best friends, it takes about 200 hours or more.

Commit to spending more time together and see how you feel – do they make you better? Do you look forward to the time? Try to log your 80 to 100 hours.

Over the next few weeks, go through more of the wooing steps and ask yourself these three essential questions:

• Could you be locked in an elevator with this person?
• Are they genuinely happy for you when something good happens to you?
• Do you truly want the best for them, even if it isn’t convenient for you?

Toxic relationships happen when we secretly have ill wishes for someone, or they have them for us. This happens a lot with “frenemies” or friends who don’t actually support you wholeheartedly. They get jealous, they get “judgy,” they get controlling.

Watch our video below to learn the seven types of toxic people:

It’s extremely important to be on the lookout for these kinds of toxic indicators early on. Just like in a relationship, so-called red flags rarely tend to go away. However, unlike a relationship, you don’t have to marry this person, so:

You can be different, but you have to love each other for your differences.

Friend-Love: Cherishing Lifelong Bonds

Congratulations! You’re in love <3.

This is the most amazing, fulfilling, mushy-gushy part of friendships. (Yes, that’s a good thing.) I think this is the part of the friendship where investment really pays off. What do I mean by investment? Emotional investment, time investment, energy investment. Even the best romantic relationships require tune-ups and energy. And this isn’t bad or hard. I think it is beautiful. Yes, I am getting mushy-gushy.

Here’s how you keep your friendships running on high:

• Tabs: When your friend cares about something, you care about it by proxy. Know what’s going on in your friend’s life. Do they have a big work project? A sick parent? A busy week? Check in. One of the best feelings in the world is having a friend check in on something that is important to you and not them—because you know they are doing it purely to be supportive. My friend Ana-Lauren always texts me when I get home from my travels. My friend Stephen always texts me after speaking events. (How does he always remember?!) And my friend Lacy has a sixth sense for when I’m stressed. (She has hidden cameras in my mind, I swear.) I try doing the same for the things that matter in their life. And it is my pleasure because their success is my success, too.
• Wishes: What does your friend wish for? What are their goals and dreams? I love to ask my friends about their New Year’s Resolutions and birthday wishes. Of course, I want to help, but I also want to be emotionally supportive and provide accountability. It also feels so good to know someone is on your team. Friends are your teammates and your supporters for life.
• Growth: Sometimes, friends have to deliver difficult news, call you on your bullshit, and challenge you to be better. I love it and hate it when my friends do this. My friend Margo is amazing at calling me out on stuff I need to change. She does this with so much love, advice, and support that sometimes I mistake her rebukes for praise (or maybe I just wish it to be so). True friends are willing to say the difficult thing if they know it is right. We can debate and argue healthily with good friends, and that makes us better people together.

Friendships are our greatest asset. Not all of us are lucky enough to have best friends from childhood, but that’s okay. We can make amazing friendships as adults—it just takes a little bit of courage and a little bit of romance.

Friend-Fiesta: Mixing, Mingling, and Expanding Your Circle

Alright, so you’ve flirted, wooed, and maybe even gone on a “friend date” or two. But now, let’s shake it up with something I like to call the “Friendship Fiesta.” This involves spicing things up a bit and broadening your friend group.

Here’s the game plan:

• Throw a Get-Together: Host a small gathering, a coffee meet-up, or a virtual hangout (hey, why not a quirky Zoom theme party?). But rather than inviting the same people you always hang with, invite a mix of friends from different parts of your life. This could be a friend from work, a buddy from your yoga class, and maybe that cool person you met at a book club.
• Be the Social Chef: Just like a master chef blends unexpected ingredients to create a culinary masterpiece, you’re going to be the connector or the one who brings strangers together to see what friendships might emerge. Sometimes, friends who wouldn’t typically cross paths can hit it off in surprising ways. This not only expands their friendship circles but yours, too. It’s like friendship networking… but WAY more fun.
• Rinse and Repeat: Keep the party going! Regularly hosting these friendship fiestas keeps your social life dynamic and interesting. I like to host a party at least once every week or two. Plus, it’s a great way to strengthen your role as a social connector.

Friend-Revamp: The Pit Stop Strategy for Social Success

Imagine your social life as a race track. Every now and then, even the fastest racers need a pit stop—a place to tune up, make adjustments, and get back on the track faster and more efficiently than before.

That’s exactly what we’re doing with your friendships. Each Pit Stop is a key moment for reflection, action, and acceleration. After all, your goal is to get rid of the toxic people in your life and cultivate relationships worth having.

Ready to revamp? Let’s hit these Pit Stops!

• Pit Stop 1: Friendship Diagnostics: Just like a mechanic checks for engine issues, it’s time to tune up your friendships. Identify which ones are running smoothly and which ones might need a tune-up. Make a list of people you regularly meet—do they align with your core values? Or do they clash against you? Are they the coworker who’s trying to secretly sabotage you? Or is your toxic friend always one-upping you? Example: Chris always dominates conversations with his own issues. You even tried talking to him privately about maybe finding the right place and right time, but he still persists. Maybe it’s time for a friendship maintenance check.
• Pit Stop 2: The Compassionate Confrontation Challenge: Time for some honesty laps. Once you’ve identified people who might not be a great fit for you, either learn to let go or softly confront them with a conversation. Navigate these conversations with care and directness. Remember, you’re just as important in this relationship and your mental health matters. Example: Jess often cancels plans at the last minute. Approach her with, “Jess, your frequent cancellations leave me in a lurch. Let’s find a way to make our plans more reliable.”
• Pit Stop 3: Investment Overdrive: Examine which friendships are giving you the best returns in joy and support. Usually, I find these people are my goal supporters and are positive—but not toxicly positive! These are your priority investments. Example: You’ve known Sam from a networking meetup a few months ago, but you haven’t had the time to contact them recently. You remember their positive energy and felt supported in your conversation the last time you met. Plan more activities together to strengthen this bond! Pit Stop 4: Recruiting New Crew Members: If your social needs aren’t met, scout for new friends who match your pace and enthusiasm. Example: Join a new class or group, whether it’s through Meetup or networking events or just going out randomly chatting with people. When you find someone with shared interests, start a conversation, like “I see you’re into drone photography too. Any pro tips?”

How to Turn Acquaintances Into Friends

An acquaintance is someone who knows just enough about you to wave at a party but not enough to borrow your car. They’re the ones who say, “We should catch up!” and you both know it’s never going to happen, but it’s nice to keep the fantasy alive.

But how do we go beyond the fluff? Making legit friends from acquaintances might take some effort, but the right friends are worth it. Here are some tips and tricks:

• The Personal Touch Tune: Strike up conversations that delve beyond the weather. Studies show that engaging in deeper, more meaningful conversations can foster a closer connection. When I asked an acquaintance about her favorite travel experiences, we ended up sharing stories of our adventures and planning a future trip together!
• Hangout Hits: Casual meetups can solidify budding friendships. One study^{2https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/0265407518761225} found that it takes about 50 hours of time together to move from acquaintance to casual friend. Inviting that colleague to trivia night wasn’t just fun; it was scientifically boosting our friendship potential!
• Lend a Helping Hand: Helping out can create a bond quickly. Psychologists call it the Benjamin Franklin effect. When we do someone a favor, we tend to like them more. When I helped a neighbor with gardening advice, not only did her garden flourish, but it was just the conversation starter I needed to become good friends!
• Shared Interest: Common interests are the backbone of many friendships. Shared activities are a key component in forming lasting friendships. That new book club I started? It turned a group of acquaintances into a tight-knit circle of friends.
• Consistency: Regular contact keeps the friendship alive. Quick check-in texts and shared articles keep my friendships in tune. I try to reach out to friends at least once every month or three if I haven’t seen them in person.
• Listening: Good listeners make great friends. Research^{3https://www.hbs.edu/faculty/Pages/item.aspx?num=52115} published at Harvard indicates that people who listen, or more specifically, ask follow-up questions, are perceived as more likable. Remembering the details from our conversations and asking questions about them shows my friends I value them.
• Celebration: Celebrating someone’s success can deepen your connection. Markdown birthdays, anniversaries, and other special days for people in your calendar. Also, make it a habit to congratulate people whenever you see they’ve got a new baby/have been promoted/etc.!
• Tryouts: Always be open to new experiences. New activities can stimulate dopamine production, which can make socializing more enjoyable and rewarding. I remember I used to LOVE improv comedy. When I was new, joining that improv class didn’t just make me laugh; it expanded my social circle with the funniest people I knew!

Bonus: Friendship & Body Language

Once you’ve made some friends (or even if you’re in the process of making some), let’s not forget about our signals! What we DON’T say is oftentimes even more important than what we do say—and this is key to making strong, trusting friendships.

Here’s a quick summary of our friendship-building journey, along with a nod to the unspoken cues that speak volumes:

• Elevate your chit-chat to meaningful dialogues. Remember, your body language during these interactions, like maintaining eye contact and open gestures, can make the other person feel truly heard and valued.
• Regular interactions and shared activities deepen bonds. Subtle body language cues, like mirroring their posture, can enhance connection and show you’re in sync.
• Being a good listener and celebrating their achievements makes a huge difference. Genuine smiles (not fake ones) and triple nods can communicate your happiness for their success more than words.
• Embrace new activities together; it keeps the friendship exciting. Expressive body language during these shared experiences can add to the fun and openness.

Interested in taking your friendship skills to the next level? Dive deeper into the nuances of nonverbal communication by checking out our comprehensive guide: Body Language – Science of People.