It’s my birthday today! (pause for celebration, confetti, and cheer.) And while I love birthdays, I also know that birthday depression can be hard, anxiety-inducing, and full of pressure. 

Have you ever been asked any of the following questions on your birthday?

  • What are you going to do today?
  • How are you celebrating?
  • Aren’t you excited?
  • What should we do?
  • Where do you want to go to celebrate?

The Peculiar Phenomenon of Birthday Blues

I’ve noticed a very particular pattern with certain people right around their birthday. Their behavior starts to change, and they get nervous or even sad. They have the birthday blues,

Does this sound like you? If so, I want to tell you…

You are not alone.

What is birthday depression?

Urban Dictionary defines “Birthday Blues” or “birthday depression” as “a general sadness or feeling down by a person on or around his or her birthday.” A person feeling birthday blues should know that it is normal to feel this way and should be supported by his or her family and friends.

But what if the person with birthday blues doesn’t have any friends or family? This is especially common in the elderly, who often spend their birthdays alone. One study of persons aged 75 and over found that in the 30 days before and after a birthday, the rate of self-inflicted deaths increased. 

Why is that? The study suggests that people’s morale are greatly affected during their birthday season. 

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Why are Birthdays so Hard?

While there may be many reasons someone feels down on their birthday, some of the most common reasons include:

Aging. Birthdays can remind us that we are aging another year. It’s the “official” day that we are one year older, even though the day before our birthday we feel virtually the same. And unfortunately, getting older isn’t exactly something to look forward to.  A birthday is just another reminder that we’re not getting any younger. 

High expectations. Sometimes we are disappointed by not having expectations met by a birthday party, celebration, or gifts. I’ll cover more of that below.

Lack of accomplishments. Feeling unsatisfied with accomplishments since the previous year or previous birthday is a common cause for birthday depression. 

Social pressure. Have you ever felt like all the birthdays in movies look really good? Or maybe you see your friend’s Instagram picture and see how cool their birthday parties are. So if we decide to spend our birthday alone or with a few close friends, we might feel it’s just not “good enough.”

Less excitement. When we are kids, birthdays are awesome. We get to party, go to the movies, and eat cake. When we are older, birthdays are, for some, ehhh. When our adult birthdays aren’t as exciting as our kid birthdays, that mismatch can cause the birthday blues.

Milestone birthdays. Have you ever heard of Sweet 16, 21, 30, 40, 50, and 60? These are the “milestone birthdays” that are celebrated throughout our culture. Some people may feel sad if they don’t have a huge party to celebrate their milestone birthday.

Less love. You’re 4 years old? Wow, great job! Turning 18? Finally an adult! It’s your 45th birthday? Umm…congratulations? As growing adults, you may notice how people pay less attention to you—especially the older you get.

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Who Can Experience Birthday Depression?

  • People who don’t have many friends or family members. These people may face birthday blues because there’s simply nobody to spend their birthday with, and they feel like birthdays must be celebrated with close people.
  • People with fake friends. Even though these people might have friends over for their birthday, they might feel empty inside because they have fake or toxic friends, and not real ones.
  • People struggling with anxiety. If you have anxiety, you may have fears surrounding the birthday itself. Who to invite, how to handle yourself in social situations, what other people think about you—all these things can lead to increased anxiety, or even depression. 
  • Introverted people. Introverts might feel the most comfortable spending time alone, but feel like they have to socialize with others during their birthday.
  • People who have high expectations. There’s a long list of expectations surrounding a birthday. If these expectations are not met, it can lead to the birthday blues.

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Birthday Expectations

There’s this unspoken idea surrounding birthdays that they have to be big, exciting, and EPIC. And this expectation alone can cause birthday nerves and anxiety. There are also a ton of other birthday expectations that don’t come close to reality:

Expectation: I’m going to invite all my friends over!

Reality: Does anyone want to come to my birthday party? *Crickets*

Expectation: I’m going to look fabulous on my birthday with the new makeup and dress I got for Christmas!

Reality: Oh shoot, did I gain some weight? It doesn’t fit anymore! And I totally overdid the eyeshadow. Well, time to go to Plan B…plain top and pajamas. 

Expectation: My birthday party is going to be at 7:00. I’m sure everyone will arrive on time!

Reality: 7:30. Empty room. *Checks phone* No new messages.

Expectation: I know exactly what kind of birthday cake I want!

Reality: Vanilla, for sure. No, chocolate. No wait, vanilla. Can we have both? Okay, we can do a fruitcake. Wait no, vanilla. But what if I want chocolate? Ugh, fine. Two birthday cakes.

Expectation: Wow, I can’t wait to see what kind of gifts I get!

Reality: Oh, thanks grandma. I really wanted those socks. They’re very… comfortable.

Expectation: I’m going to book the best pizza venue in town!

Reality: Sorry, all booked until 2030. Can we celebrate my 35th birthday a decade later?

Here are a few tips if you’re feeling the Birthday Blues on your next birthday:

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4 Unique Things to Do on Your Birthday:

What if I told you that your entire birthday mindset could shift by doing four things.

Well… not quite things, but, rather, answering four questions.

There are 4 specific questions I ask myself to deepen my learning and grow my understanding of myself. Every birthday, I take out my journal and write my answers down. And every birthday, I learn something new about myself and feel a little more cheerful and grateful. Here are the 4 questions you should answer in your birthday journal.

  1. What was the best thing that happened last year?

There are so many things that happen in one year of our lives. But what was the ONE thing that stood out to you the most? Review your year and choose your favorite thing… it could be something big, such as:

Or even something small:

Whatever it is, cherish that moment and feel grateful for the best thing that happened last year!

Write it down: The best thing that happened last year was _____.

  1. What did you learn last year?

Every year comes with its ups as well as downs, but I believe we should reframe these negatives as challenges. Ask yourself: what were some of the biggest challenges I faced last year?

After you have a mental list, write down the lessons you learned from those challenges. And if you are still facing a challenge, write down what you can do to make it better!

Write it down: Last year, I faced the challenge of _____ and learned _____.

  1. What do you hope will happen this year?

Let’s take a look at the future now! This question aims at what do you want to be celebrating in the future? Imagine sitting down at your birthday next year— if I handed you a glass of red wine, what would we be celebrating about? 

It could be something goal-oriented, like getting new clients or a bonus. But it doesn’t have to be—your hope for this year can simply be an inner change within yourself, like becoming more compassionate, more patient, or controlling your negative emotions.

Write it down: I hope to _____ by my next birthday.

Pro tip: Research shows that people who set goals are more successful. Read our article on goal setting to make your goals more achievable!

  1. What do you want to learn this year?

Stanford University psychologist Carol Dweck came up with a term called the “growth mindset.”

What is a growth mindset? A growth mindset is a belief that one can develop and increase their basic abilities and skills through hard work and dedication. This mindset is opposite of the fixed mindset, in which people believe their qualities cannot be changed. People with a growth mindset often learn and achieve more compared to those with a fixed mindset.

People with a growth mindset are:

  • Happier
  • More successful
  • More fulfilled

Do you have a growth mindset? When you truly believe you can learn, new skills and abilities will come to you SO much easier! Here are some skills and abilities you can work on by your next birthday:

And sometimes we truly forget how much we can accomplish in just one year! Do you have one big lofty goal, or multiple smaller goals?

Write it down: I want to learn how to _____ by my next birthday.

  1. BONUS: What happened in the past few years?

Here’s a fun bonus question you can do when you have a few years’ worth of Birthday Questions already done! Look back on your previous years and see how much you have changed:

  • What were the highlights of the past years?
  • What were some of my biggest life lessons?
  • What were some of my goals, and did I accomplish them?
  • What new skills did I learn?

When you look back in your journal, you can truly see how much you’ve changed! And it makes your birthday feel that much more special.

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How to Beat the Birthday Blues:

  1. Birthday Blues “often simply are part of getting older.” Remember, you are not alone in feeling this way.
  2. The hard truth: People can’t read your mind. If you want to celebrate small, big, or not at all, it’s on you to plan it or at least verbalize your own expectations for your day.
  3. Be direct about gifts. People also don’t always know what you like, so give friends and family ideas about what kind of gifts to get you.
  4. Have compassion. Be kind, easy, and non-judgmental on yourself. Realize you are more than your birthday.
  5. Your birthday comes once a year. So take charge and do it right—for you.

Special Note: If you are dealing with someone with the Birthday Blues, or suspect that they are, please show them they are loved and appreciated. Send them a funny video. Gift them the perfect gift. Or simply say “happy birthday.” A small action from you may mean the world to a person who is alone on their birthday.

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Things to Do On Your Birthday Alone:

I have some rituals I do on my birthday, whether I am spending my birthday alone or with close friends and loved ones. Here are some of my favorite things to do alone on my birthday:

  • Donate to a non-profit. Every year on my birthday I donate to KIVA, my favorite charity, and pick female entrepreneurs to sponsor.  I also ask friends and family to donate to them instead of getting me gifts. You can even volunteer if you want. Do you have a favorite charity? Find one you love on your birthday!
  • Go on a journey. It’s always really fun to go somewhere new for your birthday. If you can’t do it with others, why not go yourself? You can travel somewhere far, or browse Airbnb and find a home close by—whether it’s a treehouse in the middle of a forest, a cabin up in the mountains, or a seaside hut, find a unique place to stay and live it out!
  • Treat yourself to the spa. At least once or twice a year I try to treat myself to a massage at the spa. It definitely helps relieve stress and removes tension in your muscles. It’s the perfect relaxation activity on your cake day!
  • Take a class. You can also try a new class on your birthday—cooking classes, fitness classes, a writing class; you name it, and there’s probably one available.
  • Eat some cake. Even if you can’t enjoy it with others, there’s no reason not to make a cake! You can even make some brownies, buy a donut, or enjoy your favorite food as an alternative.
  • Reflect on learning. Every year I sit down with my birthday journal and self-reflect on the 4 questions above. Last year I even wrote a post called “20 Key Lessons I Learned in My 20s.” Check it out:
20 Key Lessons I learned in my 20s

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You are Not Alone

Remember, there are a lot of people who spend time alone or who feel birthday depression. You are not alone. But it is up to you to cherish it and spend your birthday however you want!

And here’s a little birthday gift for you, from the team here at Science of People.

A birthday slice from Science of People to you... or in chocolate if you prefer.

I hope you truly own your birthday, and do what makes YOU feel happy!

Happy birthday!

Vanessa

About Vanessa Van Edwards

Vanessa Van Edwards is a national best selling author & founder at Science of People. Her groundbreaking book, Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People has been translated into more than 16 languages. As a recovering awkward person, Vanessa helps millions find their inner charisma. She regularly leads innovative corporate workshops and helps thousands of individual professionals in her online program People School. Vanessa works with entrepreneurs, growing businesses, and trillion dollar companies; and has been featured on CNN, BBC, CBS, Fast Company, Inc., Entrepreneur Magazine, USA Today, the Today Show and many more.

68 replies on “Birthday Depression: Why Birthdays Are So Hard”

  1. Zara

    I’ve been dreading my birthday since my last one. I’m so hyper aware of every day/week/month that goes by, and it makes me so crazy and sad. It’s gotten so bad that I wish I was dead. I don’t want to get older and I try to make everyday fun and memorable. I’m turning 27 soon and I know that’s a young age still but it’s so close to 30, which is the only age milestone I’ve ever dreaded. I’m not ready. I’m so depressed and anxious. I want to feel like my old self again 😔

    1. Kensi Science of People

      Hi Zara. We’re so sorry that you are feeling this weight and sadness. You are important, and the world needs you! We appreciate you sharing your heart here, and we would definitely recommend you reach out to someone close to you or a professional that you trust to receive more support if you are feeling this way. Birthdays are hard! – Kensi | Science of People Team

  2. Suzanne

    Ever since I turned 20 I have dreaded birthdays. I feel a fear and dread of being older. Thanks fully because I’ve always looked ten years younger and felt it I have got away with it and put my age back by ten years. My husband is ten years younger that me. I wish I was one of those people that was proud of my age and it was no big deal to me but it is. It’s a horrid prison. I sometimes think of committing suicide rather than get another year older.

    1. Kensi Science of People

      Hi Suzanne. I’m so sorry that you are feeling this way. You are not alone, and please know that you are SO important and needed in this world! I’d like to recommend texting or calling 800-273-8255 if your thoughts get too heavy or difficult. I appreciate you sharing, and you are valued, heard, and appreciated here! -Kensi | Science of People Team

  3. Sneha

    Hi I’m Sneha

    I love myself and adore myself so much. Over the years though a little lesser because of the critical people in my life that I’m surrounded by all the time. I would love for someone to celebrate me, I’d just like that from a few people who’ve been fair to me all year and not just fake show it on my birthday. I’ve hated my birthday because my mom of all the people treats me horribly throughout the year. She takes and takes and takes and is never happy with anything I do. While on my birthday she wants to own it like oh I’m celebrating you. I gave birth to you. Suddenly I’m not the maid she hired by birth. She makes me feel like she’s doing the dues. Take a gift and any gift she wants to shove it on me. She doesn’t really care what I actually need otherwise even if it’s just basics. It makes me angry. Why would she be nice to be just because it’s my birthday? Then birthdays shouldn’t exist. Because I don’t want you to feel obligated to celebrate me for the heck of it.

    I hate getting special treatment because of some default. I want to be special to someone for actually being special. You just tell me you love me randomly I’m going to love you forever. Don’t have to be materialistic at all. I don’t have too much expectations.

    Also I don’t like outsiders who’ve not asked me how I’ve been for the longest of time, don’t know anything about me. Suddenly want to get cuddly and snuggly. Get the *uck off my face.(sorry about the language) but I feel strongly.

    I would love a surprise and some celebrations but only if everyone enjoys it; not as an obligation to put me on some pedestal for a day only to bark at me the next. I don’t transform into an Angel on my birthday and the demon the next —then why the partiality why the shift? Why do you care what I plan to do in that 24 hours? Get a life! I don’t want your formality.

    I expect -I’m human. Tomorrow is my birthday (and I already cried about it) that I wanted my boyfriend to be here with me. He’s not going to be here. If I voiced it he would get angry for being childish to have such expectations. I just want to spend time with people who want the best for me. Is that too much to ask. I don’t know many people to be honest. I have been living with rules that discouraged strong bonds and friendships. So whoever I know I would love to spend some time with them.

    My family love me and I love them, more like the attachment over the years but I cannot live in denial of the fact that they don’t show me love otherwise ever. I’m tired of craving that emotional attachment like I’m carrying a big hole in my heart. I’d love for that to feel whole. It’s tough to do it living in the same environment that caused it. I know in my heart that I’m working on it. I know if I crack this I’ll be unmessable with! So that’s my next year’s birthday gift to me! To become someone who no one can mess with.

    Fill myself with so much attention so much love so much pampering and so much of that which I deserve (and was always denied). I’ll give myself the friend I never got to have. I’ll give myself the caressing that no one gives. I’ll be special to me. I’ll be the person who acknowledges my own special. If I can be my own becon of light imagine what can not happen in my life!

    Happy birthday! 🎂❤️😘 I love myself and I deserve love! I know in my heart I’m a nice human (I don’t need anyone to tell me that). I know it and that’s enough.

    Thankyou for this portal to be able to express! Thankyou!

  4. Elektra A Livori

    The last bit made me feel a little better. only one person other than my sister said happy birthday. everything else feels like theyre just reciting lines, cause they have to. no one feels genuine and i hate getting attention even though i want it.

    1. Priya

      I feel so relieved,there are people like myself.God i feel some kind of sadness on my birthday…although i live with my husband and son,i feel my husband may say something unknowingly mean like other days and it will hurt me.I try to stay away From everyone.i just want kindness and warm words as someone mentioned here…may be i am expecting too much…anyways 22Nov falls on a Sunday and With lockdown not sure where to hide:-)

      1. Penelope

        Mine is on the 23rd! Happy birthday! I feel exactly the same way. I wish I could feel calm about turning 20 but I’m honestly dreading it. I just know how sad i will get if one person I care about forgets my birthday, as I would never forget there’s…

  5. Jen

    So it’s my birthday today and I feel sad that it is only going to be there for one day! Sounds greedy but as the day passes by and evenings is the time I feel worse even though I’m having a good time and enjoying. Not sure if this happens to all but if it does, please be assured you’re not the only one!!
    Happy birthday… enjoy your day love 💕

  6. AP

    If you’re reading this, it’s a sign, you’re doing great, HAPPY BIRTHDAY. I know how you feel and you’re definitely not alone. I love you. A lot can change in a year and I recommend you write a letter to your future self. One year from now, you’ll be so glad you did, trust me.
    If you didn’t have a great day, it’s okay. Also if you’re an overthinker, your mind is lying to you, trust me.

    My birthday is tomorrow, which is great. I’m excited is what I want to say. But I know I’m not. I’m honestly scared. And I even know why. What if people don’t live upto my expectations? I have a good friend circle that cares about me, but my anxiety convinces me that they may let me down. My mind is lying to me, hopefully. My family too is quite supportive, thank God.
    Anyway I’m using this comment section because I don’t want to talk about it to anyone. It’s good to know I’m not alone. Exactly 24 hours to my birthday. Hope it goes well. If you read this far, thank you so much, please pray for me.
    Loads of love ❤️

    1. Kensi Science of People

      Love this- thank you so much for sharing and encouraging! We are grateful for you! -Kensi | Science of People Team

  7. Leah

    I turned 17 today (exactly 14 minutes until my bdays finished, maybe 12/13 by the time I’ve written this comment) I had a great day with my family and I got such great and thoughtful gifts but I just feel so guilty that I’ve put people out money. I feel like this every year and it gets me down. I also worry every year about getting older! It’s so frustrating because I was 16 on the 23rd yet now I’m 17 I still feel the same! It’s so crazy and super anxiety inducing so it’s always around midnight on the night of my birthday that I panic and feel so depressed and anxious. I also feel like time is slipping though my hands like sand; I get so depressed because my birthday signifies another year of life over me. Oh well, what can I do, I can’t stop time. Especially with this Covid I feel like my 16th year was a bit wasted- I didn’t go on holiday, I barely saw my family, I missed out on doing gcses, the virus filled me with anxiety so much so that I could barely function. I just hope 17 will be better! Tbh I’m not as bad as I usually would be on my birthday but I still feel a bit anxious although I will settle down over the next couple of weeks. Next year I’ll be 18 which scares me so much. I’ll be fine, God will look after me. God bless everyone who reads this comment, give your life to Christ and it will make life and death seem so much more meaningful. Pray to Him on your birthday, the One who gave you life, and it will all work out.

    1. Kensi Science of People

      Birthdays can be so hard! And how confusing the emotions and thoughts that come with it. Just remember that you are always worth celebrating! Thanks for trusting us with your thoughts and feelings.

  8. BB Waters

    For those who read this and feel alone on their birthday, I just want to wish you a happy birthday. We might never meet, but if you’ve found this article to help illuminate what you already know on what you believe should be a great day, then we share a common trait.

    I didn’t grow up with birthday parties. And hardly have friends to celebrate with. And when I did celebrate, it never felt genuinely fun or even about me. I have family members that don’t remember or know my birthday, or don’t contact me. And I have a husband who tries his best to see me happy, but disappointed when he sees if I’m even slightly sad. I don’t have a community of people who support me as I’m always busy with work and being a mom. And work is of course far from nurturing, and is not the place to celebrate me. I tend to feel invaluable and lonely most of the time, but birthdays and holidays are the worst.

    I read articles like this to remind me that I alone don’t suffer like this. And hope that there are others out there that if they knew me, and actually have the empathy because they know how I feel, that those same people would appreciate me and maybe celebrate my birthday in spirit with me.

    Because I would do the same.

    Again, happy birthday. I’m rooting for you, my kindred spirit.

    1. Vivian S.

      Hey! Happy Belated BB! Hope your day was amazing! Sorry we couldn’t get together, with COVID, I wanted to keep by best friend safe! Best wishes, your BFF, Viv!

    2. Anna Riley

      I find myself depressed for the past 2 years at birthday time .. Im seeking to understand why – but it seems to be none of the reasons in this article. For me it is about grief, remembering a close friend who died a terribly and I was there and basically have ptsd from it. The grief resurfaces and that must be why for me.

  9. Sana

    I’m 17 years old this year and for my birthday in February I didn’t do anything as my friends had school (we’re in different schools) and my best friend didn’t even text me till the evening. I know I sound selfish but I just don’t feel appreciated sometimes as I go all out on their birthdays. I always wonder “is it so hard to do the same for me?”. But tbh I never brought up that issue to them either so it’s partly my fault as well. But even though I’ve been alone for the past few birthdays I’m starting to appreciate myself more and enjoy being on my own as depressing as that sounds😂

    1. Nara Sals

      My birthday is coming on monday 16th, now i feel sick and depressed i feel like i wanna end my life for being burden to my family and still haven’t make them happy. I was turning 21 btw, each year the more im getting older the more birthday blues i reveived every year. Idk too, i feel sad. Always. Knowing the fact I don’t have many friends and getting older making it worse. I wish I could skip the day and living my life as nothing happen i mean its better than receiving fake attentions from people especially ur family, when you know they only care for you just on your bday. I freakin hate it. Thank you for ur article, it made me realize that im not alone. Thank you. Bless you.

      1. Kensi Science of People

        Hi Nara. I hear every word, and we’re so sorry that you are feeling this weight and sadness. Please know what you are not a burden, and if anyone makes you feel that way or that you don’t make them happy, it’s their own struggle, not yours. You deserve to live your life to its fullest and in a way that brings YOU joy. We appreciate you sharing your heart here, and we would definitely recommend you reach out to someone close to you that you trust to receive more support if you are feeling this way. You are important, and the world needs you as you are! – Kensi | Science of People Team

      2. Penelope

        I feel exactly the same. <3

        I really hate the attention on my birthday, but I also am hurt when people I naturally put effort into, don't reciprocate my efforts. I know I need to lower my expectations but I find it so inherently natural to be kind and give everything to my friends and family, that it always leads me to getting upset when I don't get the same treatment.

  10. Trisha

    Every year when my birthday is around the corner, I’ve noticed that I feel very down, upset, angry, anxious and nervous. Every year I read articles to understand why I feel this way when everyone I know is very excited on their birthdays. I’ve come to a point where I have to educate everyone around me that this is not something “stupid” or that I am not the only person who feels this way, but I still could not manage to make them understand. I hate this pressure that everyone puts on you on your birthday for example by saying “Are you exited?”, “How are you going to celebrate your birthday?”, “Are you having fun?”… These questions just make my anxiety reach a peek point and that what makes me to always cry on my birthday. I hate the fact that I must read my birthday wishes (which btw are always sugar coated and written by people that I am sure dont mean a word they are saying), plus having to reply as if I am excited just makes me so sad. I dont like those family gatherings or going out with “friends” to celebrate because I hate all the attention since I am an introvert. I have this fear that something bad is going to happen all the time and the fact that on your birthday its all about you, I always have a feeling that something is going to ruin it (even though I already feel like its the worst day of the year).

  11. Gigi

    It’s my birthday tomorrow and like every year I had a breakdown. I’m not sure why I feel this way but it makes me nervous how people always expect so much of me on my birthday. I have to be happy and upbeat and when I’m not they get upset. It’s the one day a year where I’m allowed to be selfish yet I have to make everyone happy and give them what they want from me to make them feel better. It sounds entitled but it’s just the way I see it. And it always ends up with me lashing out at someone putting too much pressure on me then being ridden with guilt and apologizing. I can never feel happy on my birthday because it’s just a reminder that it’s a new year for me and yet nothing in my life points in the direction I want it to. It renders the entire day meaningless to me. All I want to do on my birthday is sit in complete isolation until the next day begins and no one gives a crap anymore. I wish I could change and be the type of person that’s ecstatic to celebrate their birthday. I don’t know how to change it.

    1. Joselyn

      Thank you I can relate to this so much. I get sad the days leading up to my birthday and I would also just isolate myself the day of if I could. I started thinking “Well.. I like celebrating other people and celebrating holidays so I guess I do like celebrations,” “Maybe I just don’t like the attention on myself?” I can’t quite figure out why I don’t enjoy my birthday like others. But glad to know I’m not the only one feeling like this.

  12. sr

    officially my birthday ended. i cannot say i am fully happy. so it seems i have birthday blues. cuz of covid i celebrated with family and my puppy. i am thankful but feel like crying nonstop. some of my friends sent me text messages. i wasn’t really happy. i wanted to disconnect. my close friends totaly forgot my birthday. they always do so i thought i am used to it. but i hate it. they totally ignore me on my birthday. maybe i should reconsider my friend list. i am thankful for the ones who wished me good.but why this affects me emotionally. and it is true…i look at my accomplishments but i see nothing. i just hate being old. i am scared of becoming a loner my whole life. it is the total opposite of my wishes. but it is true the more i get older the less people care. but that totally hurts. is there a solution for that? i am a little jealous of young people it is could to celebrate birthdays when young but not when getting old. i donno it felt like commenting too although i might sound so similar to others.

    1. Sasha

      Wow this makes so much sense. My birthday is in 2 days and I couldn’t understand why I was feeling this way. There’s just a lot going on and as stated, it’s not easy getting older. I will use these tips moving forward! Thanks again for this!

  13. Bianca

    Thank you for explaining why I feel this way. I moved to the UK nearly 4yrs ago and hardly made any friends. not much family members just my husband. He is supportive. Actually, he is starting to annoy me as he is keen on celebrating my birthday which is today btw but I just feel like staying at home, work on my business plan and organise some bits.

    1. Fatema

      Hi.. Thank you so much for this explanation and comment box!.. I so badly want to tell somebody what I feel but I can’t.. Atleast I can share it here 😌.. So birthdays why do they even exsist 🙄.. On my birthdays I don’t want to have something grand but.. I just wanna be happy on that day!! Why do people no where come on that day and wishes u and again gets invisible.. Like whyyy do people even take time on birthday.. Don’t wish me if you can’t be loyal to me or even genuinely care about me.. It hurts it hurts alot.. Being alone is better than being surrounded by fake people!! And I wanna tell everybody including my family I don’t feel happy on my bday please let me be alone.. It’s k if I don’t feel happy.. It’s not bcoz of you.. And don’t force me to be happy bcoz I should be thankful for what you do for me.. I’m thankful but I don’t feel happy on that day 😑

  14. Mili

    My birthday is in just a few days. And 2020 has been nothing but the worst. So I’m really scared of celebrating my birthday this year. I’ve always been extremely excited about my birthdays. But this year. I AM NOT AT ALL EXCITED. I just want it to get over soon. And it’s really confusing. My last birthday also turned out really bad for some reason and i was in my hometown. This year also owing to the pandemic I’m in my hometown. And this just makes it worse. I don’t want my relatives or cousins to come. I just want to be left alone with my dog and my sibling and my parents. I just wanna sleep, eat and watch good movies, read a book. I really don’t want anyone else to know. This is really confusing and anxiety provoking to me.

    1. Kensi Science of People

      I’m so sorry, Mili. I know how difficult birthdays can be, and how confusing the emotions and thoughts that come with it. Just remember that you are always worth celebrating! Thanks for trusting us with your thoughts and feelings.

    2. Ashley

      I can appreciate this article. Most people probably wouldn’t think I fit into this category, but I do….every year. I’m mid, well now late 30s, with two kids and a great husband but I get the melancholy birthday blues every year. I don’t have a best girlfriend that plans things and the 3 males in my household do their best, but I never quite feel right. I can’t tell what category I fall into, maybe a few. It’s kind of comforting though to know that I’m not the only one. It’s weird, I want to skip my birthday but at the same time secretly want to love it. 🤷🏼‍♀️

  15. Shiro

    Ah good to know that I’m not alone. My “sweet 16” is in 16 days and I’m honestly really depressed about it. I like being 15… I know my sweet 16/golden birthday will not be anything like my other birthdays. I always set up high expectations even though I know better. Guess I just have the birthday blues

  16. Shivani

    My birthday is about to finish in 10 minutes.
    I was so depressed today. I couldn’t think straight or get anything done it was such an effort to even eat anything.
    I still can’t understand why I’m feeling like. I mean I have everything I want or could have but I don’t know I feel very empty on the inside.
    I wasn’t expecting anything today but I thought that at least I was going to feel special but that Didi g happen either.
    And there you go my birthday is officially over.

    1. Kensi Science of People

      I’m so sorry, Shivani. I know you feel alone, but you aren’t alone in feeling this way on your birthday. Birthdays are so, so hard. I’m grateful that you feel safe here to share what you are going through. We are always here to listen.

  17. Caroline danaher

    Hi my birthday will be tomorrow I hate this because my family doesn’t talk to me in 19 years over reason very hard for me to be upset when my birthday is coming but hope in 3 years time will have 50 th party if my family will talk to me or not how will I treat on my birthday tomorrow can u help to discuss on this my birthday

    Looking forward to hear from u

    Caroline x

    1. Kensi Science of People

      I’m so sorry that this is so hard, Caroline. Not having family around is a major founder of the birthday blues. In response to your question about treating yourself, in the article, Vanessa mentions a few ideas on how to make your day unique and how to beat the blues- I hope something stands out to you! Celebrating you and your birthday from here! -Kensi | Science of People Team

    2. Lynda

      I really hope that my the time your 50th b-day comes around your family will find it in their hearts to forgive you and let love be their guide. I too have a birthday tomorrow turning 45. All I wish for is to be delivered without any put downs or fighting. I only wish my family would out me in the spotlight just for one day. And money is not needed. Just warm words and kindness. We all deserve to have that in our day. I truly hope you have your next birthdays to come in that way. I pray to have one like that tomorrow but if not will keep praying… God bless.

  18. Reema

    Such a brilliant article, described my feelings and sentiments exactly. I can’t say I’ve EVER had a birthday that’s the ‘full shebang’ – tonnes of guests, balloons, party poppers, loads of food, loud music etc etc. But tbh, that isn’t my thing, I’m WAY too reserved/socially awkward and simply don’t have the amount of friends required 😜 I just tend to go out and have a meal and maybe spend some of my birthday money. But just like you said, I think the best thing to do is try to do as many meaningful things as you can each year – big, small, anything. Then whenever a birthday does come around, you (hopefully) won’t feel like you just let the year pass by not having done/accomplished anything. And try to work on or eliminate anything that is negative or unhelpful in your life. Thank you for this article, it’s very helpful and clarifying for me and others in my position.

  19. WinterBear_1708

    today is my 15th birthday,i was originally looking forward to it…and now …i’m not. People are thinking i need attention,which i don’t.They don’t mean anything when hey wish me,and that kinda hurts…They don’t even bother to look at me.I felt left out and unimportant.But after seeing this i realize that i don’t really need to depend on others to have a blast on my birthday. They are great on their own as well!Thank you so much for clearly explaining this. It has helped me greatly.

  20. April

    Thank you so much for this! I never understood why I am sad or how to fix it. I usually just lay in bed and cry but today I am documenting my day so next year I can watch it and do it again. You’ve gave me an amazing coping skill.

  21. Yari

    It just feels good to know I am not the only one feeling this way. I always thought it was so weird, that I was being selfish and unappreciative.

    1. Maria-faustina

      My 19th birthday is in 4days time and I feel really empty. All I want is just warm words and act of kindness. I really don’t need money from anyone. It helps knowing I am not the only one who feels this way and I’ll make conscious effort to reach out to others before, during and after their birthdays. Thank you so much for this article

  22. Sarah

    My birthday has always been an awful time for me. For my 30th birthday, I invited a few people to come for dinner. Only one person came, I am grateful for that person. But I was also sad because I realized how little I mean to others, “friends of convenience”.
    In about a month I turn 33, I’m already sad. I’m not working due to COVID. I was hoping to travel but with no income, this puts a hitch in that plan.
    It makes me sad that I don’t have strong fulfilling connections that want to celebrate, as I wish to celebrate others.
    I have been working on self-love, I do feel this will resolve my birthday dysphoria.

    1. Kris

      Very similar story here. Today is my bday, and I’m on here reading like minded stories after googling this struggle. Not how I ever imagined it would turn out after years of celebrating it with my own friends of convenience in the past. It’s incredibly tough and difficult to prevail from, but not impossible. One hurting stranger to another, wishing you the best on your quest for self-love. Hope your next one this month was or will be at least a bit easier for you.

  23. Lisa Fuller

    My birthday is in 8 days and I am very hurt and sadden by it. All the things that I would do to entertain / celebrate myself or with friends are all shut down due to this pandemic. I don’t have a boyfriend or close family to share my moment with and due to this pandemic I can’t even do a quick get away. My friends have no idea how to celebrate me so I don’t even bother to express myself. I can’t wait until this moment past. This is hitting me hard because throughout the year, I am completely selfless! This is the only time of year that the spotlight could actually be on me and unfortunately that’s not happening. I hate outdoor venues because I can’t predict the weather nor do enjoy sweating in the summer heat.

  24. Alina Petrova

    Hello, today I “celebrated” my 20th birthday. It was nothing, can’t even call it a celebration. Family didn’t even remember that it was my birthday and toxic friends never really liked me, so they also didn’t remember about anything. Only when I bought a cake for myself, everyone suddenly remembered, but instead of getting even a one “Happy Birthday!”, they just ate what I bought for myself. This happens every year, but I hope that with your tips, I’ll someday have a happy birthday.

    1. Qismina

      May your 21st birthday and many, many more birthdays after that be a happier, more enjoyable one Alina. Worse come to worst, I’ll celebrate with you next time 🙂

  25. Trish

    Thank you for this. Today was my 40th birthday. I hated every second of it. I just wanted to be alone and take a nap (note, I did NOT get to). Expectations are never met, I have to modify my food, cake and gift wishes to make others happy. The last couple of years, I begged to just “skip it.” My husband won’t. Which may be a good thing because I would probably be hurt if he actually didn’t acknowledge it. But at the same time I just don’t want to deal with any of it. It isn’t fun anymore.

    1. Marilyn

      i get it Trish. Just having my birthday today and can’t wait for midnight and for it to be over. I just have never enjoyed all the hoopla. I like acknowledging others but the whole social celebration just feels unnecessary. I have such angst at matching my husbands enthusiasm for my birthday. I just don’t feel present on my birthday. And its so draining to get through. Yet if I was alone with no one wanting to be with me that would be hard to. Such a strange experience.

      1. Carolyn C

        I definitely feel this birthday depression. Its my 21st birthday today and I just stayed in and out of bed feeling sad. I was expecting some type of surprise. Something planned for me but instead I got nothing. I guess thats part of the high expectations brining me down but its my 21st birthday. I feel like today was a waste. I can try to celebrate myself next weekend but it doesn’t feel the same as when it’s your actual birth day. Oh well.

  26. Patty

    Thank you. Today is my birthday. I always feel a little down. Going out alone to roller skate, treating myself to a manicure, helps. But the mere realization that I’m a little different in that I prefer to be alone on my birthday and am down on that day makes me feel worse, especially during the pandemic when I can’t go out got my usual adventures. I just needed to hear that it’s normal to feel this way. Thank you.

  27. P

    It was my birthday yesterday. Each year I dread it. I’m a very anxious person and without fail, my husband picks on me or starts trouble which he did yesterday. I’m so down and so tired of it. He buys me things that he wants to see me in and not things that I’ll like. So each year, I tell my family not to bother as I know what it will be. It makes me feel rock bottom. Thank you for this article. It helps.

    1. samantha

      My birthday is tomorrow, sep 8, and honestly im not really happy or excited about it. im not even looking forward to it. my friends and family are more excited than i am. i dont know why im sad, or feeling really super duper down when thinking of my birthday, and its not even about aging. a month ago i was so excited to finally turn 16 but now, i just feel like its worthless to throw or celebrate a party for my birthday. its just me after all. its not a big deal. having a birthday feels like i just completed a really hard level, and moving on to the next hard one.

  28. Andrew

    You’re missing something here. Your birthday is one of the few times you’re allowed to do what you like. It’s supposed to be ‘your day’. Therefore, being depressed on my birthday is something I choose to do because I like being depressed. The whole birthday thing just makes the depressive experience that much more, well, depressing. There is something joyous about it and I appreciate that sounds like an oxymoron. I can’t explain the psychology behind this but I think many feel this way.

  29. jem

    Hi thanks for this vanessa! tomorrow is my birthday but i felt anxiety / sadness i think its weird . good to know to read your articles about bday blues!

  30. Dylan

    Thank you Vanessa, my birthday is in a few days and I was really beginning to feel the anxiety and just general malignant feelings I have around my birthday. These feelings are augmented tenfold this year because Covid-19 means the only person I actually want to spend it with (my girlfriend) is unreachable due to travel restrictions.

    I decided to see if I could find an article to help me and this really did. Honestly, I still can’t see how my birthday this year is going to be a ‘good’ day, but your piece now has me a touch more prepared, positive and more plentiful with ideas to help. In particular the section on “Unique things to do” with the reflection on the best thing to happen to me in the last year, which was 100% the jump I made to move away from my family to a new country to be closer to the woman I love which has gone great (until this virus which flipped my life over there on it’s head, hence why I’m temporarily back home), so that made me smile as did contemplating my goals for the next year and the year after etc.

    So from someone who felt pretty bleak before clicking on the link to this article, thank you sincerely and keep doing what you’re doing because it really does help.

  31. Jean

    Thank you, Vanessa for this article!

    Throughout my entire teens, I’ve always experienced “birthday blues” where I can’t overcome feelings of sadness, overwhelming feelings of lack of accomplishments, and also overwhelming amounts of expectations.

    The last time I remember feeling happy about a birthday was when I turned 14. I loved that I could call myself a teen, and that I would be able to wear some makeup.

    At 15, I felt mildly emotional because I didn’t feel fifteen, I still felt fourteen.

    At 16, I expected to have had my license by now, and a job, and money of my own, and lots of makeup, and friends to celebrate with…

    At 17, I realized I should be… what every other 17 year old is on YouTube. I may have put myself into this predicament because I had a habit of watching birthday vlogs on the actual day of my birthday finding something to resemble during mine.

    At 18… whew! It was a good birthday! I had lovely gifts, I felt lots of love & support during my birthday and I felt good.
    However, I still felt emotionally plagued! Saddened by old age, feelings of inadequacy, and hints of doubt in my mind concerning whether or not I deserved a good birthday.
    I remember most of my birthdays in good memory, with good times and fun, but no matter what, I always feel like it goes by too fast. I want to do so much, and experience a vast majority of so many things in so little time, so much up until the point where I am looking forward to getting older, and looking forward to a birthday.

    The funny thing is: I love celebrating other peoples birthdays— buying them gifts, watching them open them, making them dinner or a cake, spending time with them, but I just can’t stand the idea reversed.

    Soon, (6 months away) I will grow another year older. And I ‘m glad I found this article to help me identify the reasons behind why I feel this way before and during my birthdays.

    Thank you for writing this article, Vanessa. It is significantly accurate to the way I have felt in the past.

  32. Michelle

    Hello, my birthday is coming up and I’ll be 21, every one around me keeps saying that I should be happy and grateful for another year of life, but it doesn’t feel that way for me, it feels like things will just get worst. Every year something bad happens on that particular day, making it very discouraging for me. According to my family, I’m just overreacting and don’t appreciate their efforts, but in reality I just feel sad most of the time, specially that day.
    With your tips, I’ll try to consider the more positive side of things and see what I have accomplished this past year.

  33. Christopher Williams

    I just had my birthday last week (4/26) and I felt that it was a step up compared to last year. I’m currently 22 so I often have to celebrate away from home since I’m at college. However, unlike celebrating for one day, I often do small things during the month of April in case my my birthday would end in a mediocre way (which it didn’t). Really helpful advice on this post.

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