Are you tired of scrolling through social media, feeling more disconnected than ever? Do you long for real, meaningful connections in this digital age? Well, the secret to making friends and building a vibrant social circle might just be in your living room.
Check out this video by Science of People founder, Vanessa Van Edwards, and social host expert Nick Gray, author of “The 2-Hour Cocktail Party1https://party.pro/book/ ”:
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Why Hosting People is Good for You (and Science Agrees!)
Before we dive into the tips, let’s talk about why hosting gatherings is not just fun, but actually good for your health and happiness.
One study found that adults who went to social gatherings regularly reported reduced levels of depression and better life satisfaction.
But it’s not just about mental health. A Harvard study spanning nearly 80 years discovered that strong social connections are key to long-term health and happiness. Dr. Robert Waldinger, director of the study, said in his TED talk, “Good relationships keep us happier and healthier. Period.”
Moreover, science shows that the biggest benefits in life—new relationships, job opportunities, and connections—often come from what sociologists call “weak ties” or acquaintances.
The biggest benefits in life often come from acquaintances.
As Nick Gray points out, “They’re not our best friends who are telling us about jobs. It’s that random LinkedIn person that happens to know about a job opening at a company.”
So, by hosting gatherings, you’re not just making friends—you’re investing in your long-term health, happiness, and potential opportunities. Now that’s what I call a win-win!
Now, let’s get to the good stuff. Here are 11 actionable tips to help you become a hosting pro and make friends in the process:
Embrace the Two-Hour Gathering
Remember, Rome wasn’t built in a day, and neither is your social circle. Start with a manageable two-hour gathering. This timeframe is long enough for meaningful interactions but short enough to prevent exhaustion (for both you and your guests).
Why two hours? It’s the sweet spot. According to research2 https://www.amazon.com/Friends-Understanding-Power-Important-Relationships-ebook/dp/B08W4XPK7G by anthropologist Robin Dunbar, it takes about 200 hours of interaction to form a close friendship. By hosting regular two-hour gatherings, you’re chipping away at those hours in a structured, manageable way.
Setting both a start and end time helps compress the “awkward zone”—that initial period when only a few guests have arrived and everyone feels a bit uncomfortable.
Action step: Choose a date and set a clear start and end time. For example, “Join me for a casual get-together on Tuesday, June 15th, from 6:00 PM to 8:00 PM.”
Utilize “Green Days” for Maximum Attendance
Contrary to popular belief, weekends aren’t always the best time for gatherings. Enter “Green Days”—typically Monday, Tuesday, or Wednesday evenings. These days are usually less socially competitive, making it easier for people to attend.
Gray explains, “When you host a two-hour cocktail party, people know this is not an opportunity for a blowout. This is not a bender.” By hosting on a weeknight, you’re more likely to get yeses and fewer last-minute cancellations.
Action step: Plan your gathering for a Tuesday or Wednesday evening. Use this script when inviting: “I’m hosting a low-key get-together this Tuesday from 7-9 PM. It’s a great chance to unwind midweek. Would you like to join?”
Create a Welcoming Entrance
First impressions matter, even in your own home. Think of your entrance as the opening act of your hosting performance.
Action step: Set up a coat rack or designate a space for coats near the entrance. Place a welcome mat outside and ensure the entryway is well-lit. Greet each guest personally at the door with a warm smile. Immediately offer to take their coat and guide them to the drink station (more on that next).
Pro Tip: Want to really nail your first impression? Check out this resource:
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Set Up Functional “Stations”
Stations make your gathering more organized and allow guests to help themselves, reducing your own stress.
Think of it like a well-designed grocery store with strategic product placement. Apply this principle to your gathering by strategically placing your “products” (food, drinks, etc.) for maximum guest satisfaction.
Action step: Create a drink station with glasses, ice, a variety of beverages, and necessary tools. Set up a food station with plates, utensils, napkins, and serving spoons (if you’re doing elaborate food). If applicable, create a separate dessert station. Clearly label each station and include any necessary instructions.
Harness the Power of Name Tags
Gray is passionate about name tags, calling them “a hill I will die on.” He explains, “At a gathering of 15 people, there are over 100 interpersonal relationships. While you may know everybody’s name, I guarantee you, everybody does not know everybody else’s name.”
Action step: Invest in quality name tags and markers.
Pro Tip: Want to amp up the fun? Besides the name, write down one thing you’re passionate about. It’s a great conversation starter!
The “Party Runway” Strategy
Don’t leave attendance to chance. Start inviting people at least three weeks in advance. Begin with a core group of five close friends or family members to ensure a baseline attendance.
This strategy is based on the psychological principle of social proof3https://sproutsocial.com/insights/social-proof/ . When people see others committing to an event, they’re more likely to join in.
Action step: Try vulnerability! Use this script: “Hey [Name], I’m planning a small gathering on [date]. If I go ahead with it, would you be able to come? Your presence would mean a lot to me.”
Create an Inclusive Atmosphere with Icebreakers
Try doing three icebreakers throughout your event. The first can be as simple as having guests write a conversation topic on their name tag. The second, about 15 minutes into the party, could be a quick round of introductions with a fun question. The final icebreaker, an hour later, should be what Gray calls a “value-additive” question.
It could be something like, “If you could have dinner with any historical figure, who would it be and why?” This questions showcases a person’s core values and encourages personal sharing without being too intrusive.
Stick to Drinks, Skip the Elaborate Food
Keep it simple with drinks (alcoholic and non-alcoholic) and light snacks. And if it’s your first party, avoid a dinner party as those can be more complicated.
Action step: Offer a simple selection of drinks and easy snacks like chips and dip. Announce it like this: “Light refreshments will be provided. The focus is on great conversation!”
Pro Tip: If you do opt for some food, research and practice 3-5 dishes that can be prepared in advance. Choose recipes that reheat well, like casseroles, stews, or cold salads. Prepare a timeline for when to start reheating or final assembly. Label dishes with reheating instructions for easy reference and make sure to take into account any food allergies.
Design Cozy Conversation Areas
The layout of your space can significantly impact the flow and enjoyment of your gathering. Seating matters in business, too. Think of your living room as a chessboard—each piece (or in this case, furniture item) should be strategically placed for optimal interaction.
Arranging seating at right angles, rather than directly facing each other, can make conversation feel more natural and less confrontational.
Action step: Arrange seating in small groups to encourage interaction. Ensure each seating area has a side table or surface for drinks. Add soft lighting with lamps or candles. Include throws or blankets for added comfort.
Connect People Together
As the host, it’s your job to facilitate connections. Be on the lookout for common interests among your guests and make introductions accordingly.
Gray emphasizes the importance of “motion” and “collisions” at parties. He says, “I’m looking for people to talk to as many new people as possible.”
Action step: When you notice a potential connection, try this: “[Name], I’d like you to meet [Name]. You both mentioned loving hiking earlier—I think you’d have a lot to talk about!”
Create a Guest-Ready Bathroom
Your bathroom might not be the star of the show, but it can certainly enhance the overall experience.
Action step: Stock extra toilet paper in a visible, easy-to-reach spot. Place a small basket with emergency toiletries. Ensure hand soap and fresh hand towels are available. Add a scented candle or air freshener, too.
Use the Power of Follow-Up Questions
Great conversations are built on genuine curiosity. Train yourself to ask thoughtful follow-up questions to deepen connections.
A Harvard study4https://www.cnbc.com/2017/06/15/harvard-research-reveals-a-conversation-trick-to-make-you-more-likable.html found that people who ask more questions, particularly follow-up questions, are perceived as more likable.
Action step: Practice the “What, Why, How” technique. If someone mentions they love their job, ask: “What do you love most about it? Why is that important to you? Or how did you get into that field?”
Set the Mood with Ambiance
Ambiance is like the background music in a movie—you might not always notice it, but it definitely alters the mood!
Action Step: Create a playlist in advance that matches the tone of your gathering—feel free to check out our article as well: Music and Productivity: How Music Can Make You More Productive. You can also use dimmer switches or lamps for adjustable lighting and consider using scented candles or a diffuser for a subtle, pleasant aroma.
Create a “Gathering Rhythm”
Consistency is key in building relationships. Create a rhythm by hosting events regularly—say, every month or every quarter.
The mere-exposure effect5https://thedecisionlab.com/biases/mere-exposure-effect , a psychological phenomenon, suggests that people tend to develop a preference for things merely because they are familiar with them. Regular gatherings leverage this effect.
Gray suggests hosting these gatherings every three months, saying, “You should be going through life collecting interesting people.”
Action Step: After your gathering, test the waters: “I’ve really enjoyed this! I’m thinking of making this a monthly thing. Would you be interested in coming to the next one?”
Make Your Graceful Exit
End your gathering on a high note. This leaves people wanting more, not checking their watches.
Psychologists call this the peak-end rule6https://thedecisionlab.com/biases/peak-end-rule : people judge an experience largely based on how they felt at its peak and at its end.
Gray suggests giving a 30-minute “last call” notice: “Hey everybody, thank you so much for coming. The party is scheduled to end at eight o’clock, we got about 30 minutes left. Say hey to somebody new or grab a drink and we’ll start to wrap up.”
The Post-Gathering Follow-Up
The party might be over, but the friendship-building isn’t. Follow up with your guests within 48 hours to keep the momentum going.
This is an important step in building your “network of acquaintances,” which he sees as the foundation for all friendships.
Action Step: Send a message like this: “Thanks for coming last night! I really enjoyed our conversation about [specific topic]. Let’s keep in touch!”
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) on Hosting PEople
Absolutely! Hosting can actually be easier for introverts because you have control over the environment. Start small, set clear time limits, and remember it’s okay to take short breaks during the gathering if you need to recharge. Gray mentions that many of his strategies are designed to make gatherings more comfortable for introverts and those with social anxiety.
This is a common fear, but unlikely if you follow the “Party Runway” strategy. Start with a core group of 5 committed friends. Even if only they show up, you’ll still have a great time. Remember, quality over quantity! Gray notes that when people follow his formula, over 93% of those who RSVP actually show up.
Prepare a few conversation starters or icebreakers in advance. You can also use the environment – comment on a piece of art, ask about someone’s drink choice, or bring up a current event. Remember, a little silence is natural and not always awkward!
It’s entirely up to you. If you do, always provide non-alcoholic options as well. Remember, the focus should be on conversation and connection, not drinking. Gray emphasizes that these gatherings are not about getting intoxicated, saying, “People actually don’t drink that much at my parties.”
Be clear about the end time from the start. As it approaches, you can say something like, “This has been wonderful! As we’re wrapping up, I’d love to hear one highlight from each of you.” This signals the end while ending on a positive note. Gray suggests turning up the lights, turning down the music, and even starting to clean up as subtle cues that it’s time to leave.Remember, hosting gatherings is a skill that improves with practice. Don’t aim for perfection – aim for connection. And if you’re looking for more ways to network, we got you covered: 24 Best Tips for Networking Anytime, Anywhere
Article sources
- https://party.pro/book/
- https://www.amazon.com/Friends-Understanding-Power-Important-Relationships-ebook/dp/B08W4XPK7G
- https://sproutsocial.com/insights/social-proof/
- https://www.cnbc.com/2017/06/15/harvard-research-reveals-a-conversation-trick-to-make-you-more-likable.html
- https://thedecisionlab.com/biases/mere-exposure-effect
- https://thedecisionlab.com/biases/peak-end-rule
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