Become a Master Conversationalist

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I have always struggled with the question:

“Are you an extrovert or introvert?”

Like most people, I don’t quite fit into either category. In this article and video I want to introduce you to the concept of an ambivert:

Ambivert: Someone who exhibits qualities of both introversion and extroversion.

Extroversion and introversion describe how someone reacts to people.

vanessa van edwards youtube

Research has found that how we react to people is physiological. This study found that we judge someone’s extroversion immediately–often based on facial structure. For example:

introvert, extrovert, ambivert?

We can also self-select our tendency towards extroversion. Which explanation sounds more like you?

  • I am drawn to people, I get energy from social gatherings and am pretty outgoing. (Extrovert)
  • It’s draining to be around lots of people. I prefer peace, solitude and quiet time. I usually crave alone time in my free time. (Introvert)
  • It depends. (Ambivert)

I will use the terms as labels for the sake of the article, but let’s get one thing straight:

It’s Not a Label, It’s a Spectrum

Instead of thinking about extroversion or introversion as labels, let’s think about this as an extroversion spectrum:

extroversion spectrum

When I talk about the Big 5 Personality traits I explain the extroversion scale. You can rank low, high or medium. People who fall in the middle of the spectrum are ambiverts.

Why Ambiverts Are Awesome

Many people assume that exotrverts are the best at sales, the best leaders and are the most successful at work—WRONG! Adam Grant, an associate professor at Wharton School, analyzed 35 separate studies and found the statistical relationship between extroversion and income was basically zero.

He conducted a personality survey and collected three-month sales records for more than 300 salespeople, both male and female. The people who ranked right in the middle for extraversion and introversion (ambiverts) turned out to be the best salespeople.

Ambiverts pulled in 24 percent more revenue than introverts, and a mind-boggling 32 percent more revenue than extroverts!

Grant guessed that ambiverts seem to strike a balance between the two more extreme personality traits:

“The ambivert advantage stems from the tendency to be assertive and enthusiastic enough to persuade and close, but at the same time, listening carefully to customers and avoiding the appearance of being overly confident or excited,” Grant said.

1. Are You An Ambivert?

First, lets find out how you rank on the scale. Do you think you might be an ambivert? Or do you know one in your life? Take the Ambivert quiz:

If you are experiencing any issues with the quiz starting, it may be due to a browser setting. Click here for support. 

Click to Tweet: “Heck yeah! I’m an ambivert!”click to tweet

2. Situational Introversion

Ambiverts typically slide up and down the spectrum depending on the situation, context and people around them. I call this situational introversion.

For example, there are certain locations that make me extremely nervous and quiet—nightclubs, rooftop bars and stereotypically ‘chic’ places make me feel super out of place. Whereas in learning environments like classrooms, workshops or seminars you can’t get me to shut up. I constantly have my hand raised, try to make friends with everyone sitting within 10 feet of me and always ask for extra credit.

If you want to master your people skills you have to build a solid foundation.

click to tweetEven with the best conversation starters, you have to be confident to connect.

3. Find Your Nourishing Locations

I split locations into three categories: Survive, Neutral and Thrive.

places you thrive

Use this list of common places to find your top three thrive locations—where you are your best self and your top three survive locations—where you dread going.

  • Bars
  • Nightclubs
  • Restaurants
  • House Party
  • Board Rooms
  • Office Meetings
  • Conferences
  • Coffee Shops
  • Cocktail Party
  • Backyard BBQ
  • Networking Event

For example, here are mine:

places you thrive

When you know where you thrive you can build your schedule and your time around the locations where you can be your best self.

4. Find Your Nourishing People

Who brings out the best in you? People can also effect where we fall on the extroversion scale. Are there people you dread seeing? How about people you can’t get enough of?

Right now, make a list of the toxic and nourishing people in your life:

Nourishing:

Toxic:

See every person on that nourishing list? Text, email or call them right now to get together.

See every person on that toxic list: You deserve to be around people who sustain you. 

Take your life back from toxic people.click to tweet 

 5. The Ambivert Advantage

Being able to balance both extroversion and introversion is an asset. See these associated traits by Larry Kim:

  • Flexible: Ambiverts can typically be adaptive to context and situations more easily.
  • Stable: According to psychologist Hans Eysenck, who coined the term “ambivert” in 1947, ambiverts offer a good balance between the hypersensitivity of some introverts and the domineering attitude of some extroverts.
  • Intuitive: Daniel Pink said that ambiverts “know when to speak up and when to shut up, when to inspect and when to respond, when to push and when to hold back.”

6. Amplify Your Ambiversion

Now I want you to leverage your ambiversion! Here’s how:

  • “The ambivert advantage stems from the tendency to be assertive and enthusiastic enough to persuade and close, but at the same time, listening carefully to customers and avoiding the appearance of being overly confident or excited,” Grant said. Know when to flexibly use the traits that serve you.
  • I want you to take control of who and how you spend your time. I am giving you permission—you do not have to spend time with people or in places that drain you.

Life is too short to spend time with toxic people in draining places!

  • If you have to see a toxic person—like a family member or co-worker, use time blocking to buffer time with them. If you know you have to see them, be sure to schedule in some recharge time for yourself before or after. You can also have an escape route or excuse ready to go if your time with them runs long. Use scheduling to your advantage by blocking out times and places that work best for your personality.

Remember: There is no right or wrong personality type. The only right thing to do is to live, act and address who you really are. Act on your strengths, purge toxicity and get to know your true self.

Become a Master Conversationalist

Make every conversation incredible. Discover our 3 step, science backed formula to mastering conversation without losing your authenticity.

You’ll also get our latest and greatest science backed strategies from our human behavior lab. Not your cup of tea? No worries mate - unsub in one click.

                              

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Make every conversation incredible. Discover our 3 step, science backed formula to mastering conversation without losing your authenticity.

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