You know that person who always…
Has to be the center of attention.
Talk about themselves.
Thinks the world revolves around them.
Then you know a narcissist.
Narcissist: n someone who is excessively preoccupied with themselves.
Synonyms: megalomania or egocentrism. They love to talk about themselves, take selfies, and be the center of attention.
Narcissists can be a pain to deal with because they don’t always make good partners or friends. So let’s talk about what to do if you have a narcissist in your life.
Tips to Deal With Narcissists:
1. Self-Quiz: Am I in a Relationship with a Narcissist?
Dr. Judith Orloff has a quiz to see if you are dealing with a narcissist. So think about the person and answer these questions:
- Does the person act as if life revolves around them?
- Do I have to compliment this person to get their attention or approval?
- Do they constantly steer the conversation back to themselves?
- Do they downplay your feelings or interests?
- If you disagree, do they become cold or withholding?
If you answered “yes” to one or two questions, you are probably dealing with a narcissist. Read ahead for what to do next:
2. Identify Narcissist Triggers
Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is an official disorder and in 2006, researchers estimated it affects about 1% of the population. But people can fall on a spectrum. Someone might not be a narcissist all the time, perhaps only at work, only around friends or when they date. For example, if you only answered one question above, they might not officially have NPD, but rather suffer from mild narcissistic tendencies. It’s important to recognize what triggers the narcissist in your life. When do you notice that they get self-involved or pushy? When do they expect constant attention? If you can identify these areas it becomes much easier to deal with.
3. Understand Where They Come From
Glen Gabbard did research with narcissists and found that many egotistical people actually develop this need to be the center of attention to distract from their shame. So in fact, people who brag a lot or have megalomania have deep insecurities they are trying to hide from others and/or themselves. When you are with them and you see what triggers them, it can be helpful to try to understand if there is a deeper weakness they are trying to hide.
*Interestingly, more men are narcissists than women and this might have to do with the fact that in our culture, men are told to hide and be ashamed of their weaknesses.
4. Not Change, Empathy
If you see a deeper weakness, you shouldn’t try to change a narcissist; you just want to show them empathy. Here is a quick example: There is an old friend I have from college who always had to be the center of attention. Her triggers were at co-ed parties and any where we had to get dressed up. She would just dominate the conversation, she had to have it her way and it was very hard to spend time with her in those situations. I saw her recently at a college friend’s wedding. She was great during the all-girls bachelorette party, but during the co-ed rehearsal dinner it was the same old game. I realized this pattern and thought her drama had to do with her insecurity around boys. I didn’t want it to be like that during the wedding the next night, so I took her aside and I started to talk to her about nerves in co-ed social situations. And she really opened up. I didn’t try to change her or advise her what to do- I just showed her I was there for her. Amazingly during the wedding when she started to go into her “I need to be the center of attention”, we locked eyes and smiled and she stopped mid-sentence. We took a little bathroom break and the rest of the evening went much more smoothly.
5. Say What You Need
Narcissists often cannot be empathetic, even when you are. So if you are in a relationship with one, you have to say what you need because they will not know. This means telling them when you need them to be there for you. This means setting up boundaries. Especially if they are a toxic or mean narcissist, you have to make sure you are protecting yourself.
Bonus: Is Your Narcissist a One-Upper?
Check out the 4 Types of Difficult People: