Passive-Aggressive Behavior: Everything You Need to Know

A whopping 99% of people^{1https://preply.com/en/blog/most-passive-aggressive-phrases/#:~:text=According%20to%20our%20survey%2C%2099,to%20being%20passive%2Daggressive%20themselves.} report that they’ve encountered passive-aggressive behavior in others, and 82% of people fess up to acting passive-aggressively themselves before. 

Whether we like it or not, we all face passive-aggressive behavior. In this post, we’ll get to the bottom of why it happens and give tips for how to deal with it in yourself and others.

What Is Passive-Aggressive Behavior?

Passive-aggressiveness is when someone denies experiencing negative feelings (typically anger or hurt) but then covertly acts these feelings out. If we feel negative feelings towards another person, sometimes we can put those feelings to the side and treat them normally. Still, often our unprocessed emotions will color our interactions with that person and cause us to act passive-aggressively, even if we’re not trying to.

Everyone can be passive-aggressive sometimes—even the most enlightened communicators. 

If you experience hurt or anger at someone and don’t immediately clear the conflict, it might create a wrinkle in your connection with that person. 

If you never voice that wrinkle, it can eventually rot into resentment. And once you feel resentful, your behavior will almost automatically become passive-aggressive. Their jokes won’t seem funny anymore, and making eye contact with them may be harder than before.

While it is possible to go inward and let go of hurt and anger in relationships, for most of us, it is extraordinarily hard, and it’s generally much more effective to work through conflict in an open conversation.

Why some of us are passive-aggressive more often than others

Even though all of us can be passive-aggressive at times, some of us tend towards passive-aggressive communications more often than others.

In most of these cases, passive-aggression is not a conscious choice but tends to stem from one of the following:

• Lashing out from feeling hurt. The unconscious impulse of, “You hurt me, so I’ll get you back.”
• A need for more practice in communication skills. The underlying sentiment here is: “I feel upset at you, but I don’t know how to communicate it, so I won’t.” Instead, folks repress their pain, which ultimately fails because those feelings will seep out on their own.
• A lack of clarity of how one is feeling. If someone hasn’t spent too much time getting to know their feelings, they may genuinely not perceive anger or hurt within themselves when they feel it. These feelings will still guide their actions, but they may not realize it’s happening.
• A deep fear of conflict. If someone is terrified of conflict, they will take all measures^{2https://hbr.org/2016/01/how-to-deal-with-a-passive-aggress} to avoid the open, direct nature of talking about needs, desires, and challenges.

Examples of Passive-Aggressive Behavior

Here are some common examples of passive-aggressive behaviors in a few contexts that you may have seen in yourself or others.

Passive-aggressive behavior at work

• Procrastinating on a project rather than expressing dissatisfaction with management or deadline expectations.
• Gossiping about coworkers behind their backs rather than confronting them with feedback or frustration.
• Withholding assistance or information to make someone’s job harder.
• Ignoring someone when they enter a room because you feel angry with them.
• Undermining someone’s accomplishments by rolling your eyes or sharing snide comments about them.
• Being overly critical of someone’s work by seeking out flaws and errors when you are actually frustrated with them about something else.
• Talking over a colleague at a meeting or neglecting their ideas as a way to express your anger and put them down.

Passive-aggressive emails to receive at work

These are the five most passive-aggressive things to write in a work email, according to this survey of 1,200 people^{1https://preply.com/en/blog/most-passive-aggressive-phrases/#:~:text=According%20to%20our%20survey%2C%2099,to%20being%20passive%2Daggressive%20themselves.}. One could use these exact phrases with healthy, open communication, but they are also easy places to smuggle in passive aggression.

• “As you are, no doubt, aware…” instead of sharing annoyance that they weren’t aware of something.
• “For future reference” instead of sharing the impact of someone doing something incorrectly.
• “Friendly reminder” using fake kindness instead of openly sharing any frustration behind the “friendliness.”
• “CC’ing [my boss] for visibility” as a way of tattling on an employee because you are frustrated with their performance.
• “Per my last email,” instead of openly sharing that they didn’t acknowledge something from your last communication.

Passive-aggressive behavior with a partner

• Insulting your partner and then immediately claiming you were kidding instead of admitting that you felt upset and took it out through an insult.
• Withholding love or sex as a way of punishing your partner instead of sharing what you are upset about.
• Breaking boundaries or commitments as a way of lashing out at your partner.
• Ganging up on your partner when in a group of people as a way to bring their self-esteem down.
• Blaming your partner for relationship dissatisfactions instead of taking responsibility for your part.

Passive-aggressive behavior with a friend

• Showing up late as a way of “punishing” your friend.
• Making it difficult to make plans or canceling at the last minute as a way of subtly expressing your anger.
• Responding to their texts really slowly to “teach them a lesson.”
• Using sarcasm to mask your anger and making pointed jokes that actually cross a line.
• Backhanded compliments are where you pretend to compliment them while taking out your bitterness.
• Expressing doubt when they share their goals as a way to act out your aggravation and bring them down

Passive-aggressive texts

Here is a list of the most common text phrases perceived as passive-aggressive^{1https://preply.com/en/blog/most-passive-aggressive-phrases/#:~:text=According%20to%20our%20survey%2C%2099,to%20being%20passive%2Daggressive%20themselves.}. In all these phrases, the texter is experiencing a lot of emotion but sharing none of it and hiding behind a terse response.

• “Nevermind”
• “???”
• “Fine”
• “Sure”

It’s not hard to imagine a time when you or someone has used a response like this. Maybe something like:

If you’d like the clearest examples of passive-aggressive communication, flip on any drama-based reality TV show and grab your popcorn.

How Passive-Aggressive Behavior Is Harming You and Your Relationships

Assuming you are one of the 99% of people^{1https://preply.com/en/blog/most-passive-aggressive-phrases/#:~:text=According%20to%20our%20survey%2C%2099,to%20being%20passive%2Daggressive%20themselves.} who have received passive-aggressive behavior from someone else, you know how destructive it can be. Below are a few ways passive aggression can harm your relationships and health.

• Children can feel^{3https://www.researchgate.net/publication/305414412_Transactional_cascades_of_destructive_interparental_conflict_children%27s_emotional_insecurity_and_psychological_problems_across_childhood_and_adolescence?enrichId=rgreq-7d373a3a65b69c1d77ae6ec3b78e0f82-XXX&enrichSource=Y292ZXJQYWdlOzMwNTQxNDQxMjtBUzozOTU0NjkxMDU3MTMxNTVAMTQ3MTI5ODU5MDQ5Ng%3D%3D&el=1_x_2} the underlying hostility when parents act passive-aggressively toward each other. And when parents are uncooperative with each other^{4https://www.researchgate.net/publication/303086089_The_Multiple_Faces_of_Interparental_Conflict_Implications_for_Cascades_of_Children%27s_Insecurity_and_Externalizing_Problems}, it increases the child’s risk of depression, anxiety, social withdrawal, and aggression
• Passive-aggressive actions can erode the health of your relationships and friendships. Your passive-aggression points to an unmet need, and if you don’t communicate openly, you likely will never get this need met, and the relationship may crumble around it.
• Passive aggression can hurt your career. Because passive-aggression is so unsavory, colleagues may not want to work with you or recommend you for opportunities.
• Self-directed passive-aggressive behavior fuels depression. There is a strong link^{5https://bmcpsychiatry.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s12888-022-03850-1} between depression and treating yourself with passive aggression—either by procrastinating on projects you care about, prohibiting yourself from resting or engaging in self-care, or refusing to ask for the things you want.

While passive-aggressive actions may hold you back from certain goals, if you want to focus on improving your goal-setting, check out this goodie.

The Causes and Psychological Roots of Passive-Aggressive Behavior

If we all know passive-aggressive communication is unpleasant, why do so many of us still engage in it? Here are a few core reasons.

• Lack of communication skills. Communicating clearly and openly is a complex skill that can take a lifetime to learn! If you haven’t practiced tools for tuning into your needs and feelings and sharing them vulnerably, then passive-aggression might simply be the best tool you have for resolving conflicts.
• Fear of conflict. As marriage and family therapist Andrea Brandt^{6https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_to_stop_passive_aggression_from_ruining_your_relationship#:~:text=Passive%20aggression%20is%20a%20symptom,she%20is%20trying%20to%20avoid.} says: “Passive aggression is a symptom of the fear of conflict. While someone’s passive-aggressive behavior may make you instantly feel like you’re in the middle of a fight, that’s what [they are] trying to avoid.”
• Learning from caregivers. If you grew up in a childhood setting where your parents or caregivers only communicated passive-aggressively, you likely took on these habits.
• The setting doesn’t allow for it. You may be an open and transparent communicator in many parts of your life. Still, if your work culture dissuades openness or your family communicates exclusively through passive aggression, your communication style can easily bend to match the situation. 
• Disconnection from one’s feelings. Ultimately, people act with passive-aggressiveness because they feel hurt or angry and act unconsciously from those feelings. It can be challenging to connect with one’s feelings, and if someone hasn’t learned how to, their anger or hurt may be running the show through passive-aggression without them even realizing it.
• There is an unshared resentment in a connection. If something happened with a friend that had you feel hurt, left out, or upset, and you didn’t share it, it would likely brew resentment. When this happens, then your behavior will automatically veer toward passive aggression.

How to Identify Passive Aggressive Behavior

If you’d like to better notice when you might be acting passive-aggressively, here are some cues to pay attention to. 

You can also apply these cues to others’ behavior to determine whether they are passive-aggressive.

Though the thing that’s so tricky (and annoying!) about passive-aggressive behavior from others is that unless they admit to it, you can never know for sure if they are being passive-aggressive or if you are projecting onto their behavior.

Nonetheless, check out this list, and see which applies to you.

Acting exclusionary

Being exclusionary to other people is an avoidant way to express upsetness. If someone you know fails to acknowledge you whenever they enter a room, doesn’t look at you in conversations, or doesn’t invite you to events, this could be a sign of passive aggression.

Pro Tip: Did you know body language can give away someone’s true intentions? The next time you’re in a conversation with someone who you suspect is acting passive-aggressively towards you, pay attention to their feet. Are they pointing away from you or toward the exit? This might mean they want to exit the conversation. Learn more about body language here.

Denial of one’s anger

This is a big one. The hallmark of a passive-aggressive person is when asked if they are angry, distressed, or hurt, they smile and assure you that everything is fine. 

When your body reacts to the other person’s anger, but they tell you they’re not angry, this can feel incredibly confusing and is a form of gaslighting. 

If you notice yourself saying, “I’m not angry/hurt/upset,” take a moment to see if that’s true.

Fake politeness/niceness

One common way passive-aggression comes out is when somebody feels upset inside but tries to cover it up by “acting nice.” 

If you find yourself acting politely or trying to seem nice when on the inside, you want to throw an egg at the person, this might mean you are veering towards passive-aggression or even toxic positivity.

Joy at another’s pain (Schadenfreude)

Schadenfreude is a German word that describes the pleasure one might experience at another’s misfortune.

When we have resentments that we haven’t shared with another person yet, under the surface, we may hope for them to stumble, fail, and feel pain.

As one example, imagine that you have a work colleague you have unresolved resentment towards, and they fail to get a promotion. Some small (or big) part of you may take pleasure in this. 

Schadenfreude could also manifest as noticing someone is about to make an error and choosing not to let them know.

Being extra unhelpful

If you notice that you could help someone but choose not to, it could be useful to explore your motivations. 

This could be in a partnership where you wash all your dishes but none of your partner’s. Or if you go to the grocery store and intentionally buy nothing for them.

When we feel connected with someone, there is usually an impulse to be helpful. If that impulse is clearly not present, or if it feels like someone is being noticeably unhelpful to you, then passive-aggressive behavior could be at play.

The sense that someone needs to be “taught a lesson.”

Lots of passive-aggressive behavior stems from feelings of revenge, getting someone back, hurting them for hurting you or teaching them a lesson.

If you notice yourself not responding to people’s messages or being extra cold because they could afford to “learn a lesson,” it might be time to siren the passive-aggression alarm.

Shifting blame

Do you find yourself unwilling to take responsibility for a frustrating situation and subtly blaming^{1https://preply.com/en/blog/most-passive-aggressive-phrases/#:~:text=According%20to%20our%20survey%2C%2099,to%20being%20passive%2Daggressive%20themselves.} other people for something gone wrong? This could be passive-aggression taking hold!

Patronizing

Patronizing is when you outwardly appear kind and helpful but inwardly feel superior or condescending. 

If you notice a pattern in yourself or someone else of constantly feeling “better than” or “holier than thou,” you might be acting in passive-aggressive ways.

Take a passive-aggressive test!

If you’d like to take a 38-question test that psychologists created to score passive-aggressiveness, you can find that here^{7https://www.idrlabs.com/passive-aggression/test.php}.

What To Do When You Notice Passive-Aggressive Behavior In Yourself

Now that we know the signs of passive-aggressive communication, let’s investigate what to do if you find yourself acting passive-aggressively.

Be honest with yourself

It starts with getting honest with yourself.

Is there someone in your life to whom you feel resentful? Do you find yourself wanting to ignore them, exclude them, blame them, or teach them a lesson?

If you notice this in yourself, no shame! Remember, we all do it.

Action Step: Write a list of the most salient people in your life. 

Then score each person 1-5 on how distant you feel to them (1=very distant, 5= very close). 

Next, reflect on each person if there was a time recently when something happened with them where you felt hurt, angry, or resentful, but you never shared it with them.

And lastly, reflect if you can remember a time recently when you acted passive-aggressively towards each person.

And if you did act passive-aggressively, don’t worry! Remember, we all do it sometimes. 

Also, you don’t have to fess up to every little incident. But it is helpful to build awareness of when these things happen. Because the more awareness you have over your behavior, the more agency you have to make change.

Find your anger

If the idea of feeling angry is scary or foreign to you, it’s possible then when anger or frustration does arise in you that you try to either look away or push it down. Unfortunately, this strategy will tend to result in anger leaking out of you, often in passive-aggressive actions.

One way to approach this challenge is to get to know your anger. Here’s a simple exercise.

Action Step: Create a safe space where you won’t get disturbed. 

Then put on a timer for 1 minute, and in that time, permit yourself to express your anger. It can be helpful to twist a rag between your hands, clench your fists, scream, or pound a pillow. You don’t have to go all the way to a 10 out of 10, but see if you can allow your anger to surface for you to feel it.

After the timer goes off, set a timer for 3 minutes and just journal on the sentence stem:

“I feel angry because…” over and over.

Doing this exercise will put you in touch with your anger and the parts of your life that are making you angry. 

Once you have this information, you can decide if you want to have any conversations with anyone causing you frustration. And even if you choose not to, just feeling your anger will bring awareness to the feelings underneath your passive-aggressiveness.

Resolve a personal conflict by sharing vulnerably

Many folks resort to passive-aggressive behavior because they are hoping to avoid a conflict. However, such behavior usually makes the situation less pleasant.

If you’re up for trying, you can approach a partner or friend who you feel resentful toward and see if you can speak honestly about what you’re feeling without putting any blame on them.

Action Step: Pick one person in your life who you feel some resentment towards and send them a message of the flavor of: “Hi friend! I was reflecting recently and realized that there’s something in our relationship that I’ve been holding onto and that I want to let go of. I think talking about it together would help me feel closer to you. Let me know if you’re up for it.”

If you do choose to have this conversation, keep these tips in mind:

• The purpose of this conversation is to feel more connected with the other person.
• Your feelings are your responsibility. Try to avoid saying things like, “You made me feel.”
• The more vulnerable you can be, the more you’ll be able to let go of bitter feelings and the more connected you’ll feel to your friend.
• Try to have this conversation when you’re both in a good or calm mood.

The communication can be as simple as “When X, I felt Y. I need Z.”

For example: “When you didn’t want to meet up with me a few weeks ago, I felt hurt. I need to know you still care about our friendship.” 

To make it more palatable, you could add something like: “I am not blaming my feelings on you; I just wanted you to know what came up for me because I felt like it was getting in the way of me feeling as close with you as I normally do.”

Communicate more directly at work with this formula

It can be frustrating when someone doesn’t do their part at work. But internalizing your irritation is not the solution.

Next time you catch yourself annoyed with someone’s performance at work, instead of CC’ing the boss, try this formula^{8https://melodywilding.com/how-to-deal-with-passive-aggressive-people/}, adapted from executive coach Melody Wilding.

Communication formula:

1. Describe factually what happened. “You didn’t send me the report by our agreed date.”
2. Share how the behavior impacted you logistically and emotionally. “I felt disappointed and anxious because I had to attend the client meeting unprepared.”
3. Share any broader effects of the behavior. “Now, the client might view us as disorganized, and we could lose money on the account.”
4. State what you need. “In the future will you be able to send me all client files 24 hours before client meetings?”
5. Give reassurance and empathy. “I know you had a stressful week. And know that I make mistakes like this too. So I want to assure you I’d love to find a way forward together where we can get the client what they need in time.”

This type of direct communication might not work every time. But, in this situation, the chances of you getting those documents on time next week are a lot less likely if the only action you take is ignoring your colleague in the break room.

What To Do When When Someone Else is Acting Passive-Aggressively

Whether it’s with a lover, a friend, or a colleague, it is a tricky task to navigate someone else’s passive-aggressive behavior. But there are ways to do it. Check out the tips below.

Don’t take the bait

When someone acts passive-aggressively, on some level, they want you to react. To get upset or defensive. If you respond in this way, it will only exacerbate the situation. The best thing you can do is let the snark slide off you.

Action Tip: The next time someone does or says something to you that you think might be passive-aggressive, make your first instinct a deep breath. Gather yourself before responding.

Call it out right at the moment

If someone makes an inappropriate passive-aggressive comment, you can call it out right then and there. It doesn’t have to be complicated or pretty. You can just simply say that you didn’t appreciate what they said.

Action Step: Next time someone does or says something passive-aggressive that rubs you the wrong way, just say, “I didn’t appreciate that comment.”

Do the hard labor of empathizing with passive-aggressive colleagues

If a difficult work colleague continues to give you passive-aggressive behavior, your best bet is to be the bigger person and try to see things from their perspective.

If a colleague gives you a snarky comment at work, try the following.

Action Plan: First, approach the situation from a cool temperament and level head. You can try these techniques to get there.

Then see if you can understand the content underlying the snarky comment. Don’t get hung up on their delivery—what feedback can you mine from what they said?

Lastly, approach them and try to get on the same team. Annie McKee^{9https://hbr.org/2016/01/how-to-deal-with-a-passive-aggressive-colleague}, the founder of the Teleos Leadership Institute, suggests saying something like: “You made a good point in that exchange we had the other day. Here’s what I heard you saying…” She explains, “By joining them, you have a better chance of turning the energy around.” 

And don’t even address their toxic delivery. They may just want to feel heard, and it might be better to feed their constructive behavior instead of their passive-aggressive behavior.

Talk with a partner about their passive-aggressiveness using the power of vulnerability

Imagine your partner telling a biting joke that hurts your feelings. You feel like their joke had some edge behind it, but when you ask them, they claim it was just a joke. What to do?

Action Plan: First, pick a time to open up to your partner.

Then once you’re in the conversation, you can use the same structure above: 

“When X, I felt Y. I need Z.”

In the hurtful joke example, you could say:

“When you made that joke, I felt hurt and insecure. I need to know that you support me, and if you are angry, you’ll tell me.”

Make sure you do not accuse them^{10https://www.gottman.com/blog/how-to-deal-with-passive-aggressive-behavior-in-your-relationship/} of being passive-aggressive because doing so could put them on the defense and have them dig their heels further into the ground.

If you ultimately love and trust your partner, leading with your vulnerability is your best bet.

Invite open communication from a friend

If you notice a friend or partner seems a little more distant than usual, and you aren’t holding back any open communication from them, then they may be sitting on a resentment that they’ve been too afraid to share. 

Action Step: If you sense this could be the case, then share this open communication with them:

“Hey, friend! I’ve noticed I’ve been feeling a little distant from you recently, and I’d like to feel closer. I was wondering if something I did or said recently caused you to feel hurt, upset, or angry with me?”

If your friend is courageous enough to share something with you, ensure you don’t respond defensively! Just try to hear what they are saying with empathy.

Appreciate them when they do communicate openly

One of the laws of connection is that what you appreciate grows.

Action Step: The next time a passive-aggressive person in your life does express their anger or hurt in a clear, direct, and open way, tell them you appreciate how they shared it with you. 

This will encourage them to communicate this way more often!

Set clear boundaries

If open communication doesn’t work, you can still draw a line.

Say someone is doing or saying something that causes you to feel hurt or uncomfortable, but they deny having malintent. They claim they weren’t being passive-aggressive, but it was actually you who was being too sensitive.

Whether what they say is true or false has nothing to do with your ability and agency to set a boundary.

If someone else’s behavior continues to hurt you, you have the right to set a boundary, regardless of their intent.

Action Step: If someone in your life seems to act passive-aggressively towards you in a way that hurts, ask them to stop. 

For example, if a friend or partner tells sarcastic jokes that tend to sting, just let them know. It could be as simple as:

“I know you said you don’t have any mean intent behind your jokes, but I notice every time you crack a joke about my creativity, I feel insecure. I’m okay with certain types of jokes, but I wonder if you’d be okay not to joke about that part of my life?”

When you make a sincere request for change like this, most people will comply.

Watch our video below to learn the 7 types of toxic people:

Bonus: How to Deal With Passive-Aggressive Emails

Did you know that passive-aggressiveness can be found in emails as well? Author Erica Dahawan‘s book, Digital Body Language: How to Build Trust and Connection, No Matter the Distance, describes some passive-aggressive feelings behind some commonly used phrases.

Here’s our take on some common workplace passive-aggressiveness:

Common Phrases	Passive-Aggressive Feelings Behind Phrases
1. I just wanted to follow up on…	It’s been ages and you still haven’t responded.
2. Just to clarify…	You’re not making sense, let me spell it out for you.
3. Just a heads up…	I’m warning you now so that I can say “I told you so” later.
4. Let me loop in…	You’re not handling this, so I’m bringing in someone else.
5. Moving forward…	This has gone wrong enough times, let’s change the approach.
6. As we previously discussed	I know we talked about this already, but you clearly didn’t get the message.
7. As a gentle reminder	This is the nth time I’m asking you about this. Get it done already.
8. Can we touch base on this?	You’re not focusing on this and I need you to give it more attention.
9. It’s not a big deal, but…	It actually is a big deal and I’m annoyed that you haven’t addressed it.
10. As per my understanding	You’re clearly wrong, and here’s why.
11. Let’s circle back to this	I don’t have time to deal with this nonsense right now.
12. Not sure if my last email was received	You didn’t reply, and it’s driving me crazy.

Frequently Asked Questions About Passive-Aggressive Behavior

How to Deal With Passive-Aggressive Behavior in Yourself and Others

We all act passive-aggressively sometimes. If you find yourself acting this way, remember to

• Get honest with yourself, and reflect on the relationships and moments where you’ve acted passive-aggressively recently.
• Find and express your anger to help you understand where you have anger towards others that you haven’t felt yet.
• Resolve a conflict with someone by sharing vulnerability about your hurt, resentment, or anger. “When X, I felt Y. I need Z.”
• If you feel tempted to act passive-aggressively at work, instead, remember to 
  • Clearly state the behavior you’re upset about, 
  • Share how that behavior impacted you and the company, 
  • State what you need going forward, and 
  • Give empathy and reassurance

And if you are struggling with other people’s passive-aggressive behavior in your life, remember to

• Avoid taking the bait. Take a deep breath instead of emotionally reacting.
• Call out an inappropriate comment right at the moment.
• Open up to a passive-aggressive partner about how their behavior is hurting you.
• Ask a friend if they have any anger, hurt, or resentment they’ve been holding onto towards you.
• Empathize with your snarky work colleague and find the heart of their communication.
• Appreciate people when they do communicate openly and clearly.
• Set clear boundaries.

If you’d like to learn more about clear communication, check out this article.