How to Get Over Someone: 6 Science-Backed Steps to Finally Move On

Your brain is treating this breakup like drug withdrawal. That’s not a metaphor—it’s neuroscience. Learning how to get over someone starts with understanding what’s happening in your brain. fMRI studies show that romantic rejection activates the same reward pathways associated with cocaine addiction, which explains why you can’t stop thinking about your ex even when you desperately want to.

The good news: understanding this mechanism is the first step toward rewiring your response. These six evidence-based strategies work with your brain’s biology, not against it.

The Science of Heartbreak: Why Breakups Hurt So Much

You don’t need a study to tell you that breaking up hurts. But knowing why it hurts can help you stop questioning whether your pain is valid.

Research published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences^{1https://www.pnas.org/content/108/15/6270}found that intense social rejection activates the same brain regions that process physical pain—the dorsal anterior cingulate cortex and anterior insula. Your heartache isn’t imagined. Your brain literally registers it as an injury.

Al ongitudinal study in the Journal of Family Psychology^{2https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3115386/}tracked over 1,200 people through relationship transitions and found that 28.6% experienced significant declines in life satisfaction after a breakup. The research also revealed something counterintuitive: people who had been living together or had marriage plans experienced sharper drops in life satisfaction than those in less committed relationships.

This means if you’re untangling a life you built together—shared friends, future plans, intertwined families—give yourself extra patience. The logistics of separation compound the emotional weight.

But here’s what surprised researchers: emotional distress appeared even when someone wanted the relationship to end. Choosing to leave doesn’t immunize you from grief.

Why Heartbreak Feels Like Addiction

Biological anthropologist Dr. Helen Fisher’s research reveals that heartbreak operates like addiction in the brain. When you’re rejected by someone you love, the brain’s reward system doesn’t simply shut down—it goes into overdrive. The ventral tegmental area and nucleus accumbens, regions associated with craving and motivation, become more active after rejection.

This explains why the emotions after a breakup feel so overwhelming. Your brain is literally in withdrawal mode, craving the dopamine hits that came from your relationship. Understanding this helps normalize your experience: you’re not weak or overly emotional. You’re experiencing a neurobiological response to loss.

Two takeaways from this:

• If you’re recovering from a complicated or highly committed relationship, expect the process to take longer. That’s not weakness—it’s proportional to what you’re processing.
• If you were in a short relationship, don’t dismiss your feelings. Intensity matters as much as duration.

How Long Does It Take to Get Over Someone?

This is one of the most common questions people ask after a breakup, and the honest answer is: it depends.

Research on young adults^{3https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/17439760701760534}found that by approximately three months post-breakup, 71% of participants reported positive personal growth and were able to view the experience constructively. However, this doesn’t mean everyone heals in 11 weeks—that’s a misinterpretation of the data. The study measured when people began experiencing growth, not when they were fully healed.

Several factors influence your personal timeline:

• Relationship length and depth: Ending a marriage or long-term cohabitation typically takes significantly longer—some research suggests up to 18 months.
• Attachment style: People with anxious attachment often struggle longer than those with secure attachment. Learn more about attachment styles to understand your patterns.
• How it ended: Betrayal, ghosting, or sudden endings often require more processing time than mutual breakups.
• Support system: Having friends, family, or a therapist accelerates recovery.
• Personal coping skills: Previous experience with loss and emotional regulation matters.

The key insight: there’s no “correct” timeline. If you’re still struggling after what feels like “too long,” that’s information worth exploring—not a character flaw.

How to Get Over Someone You Love (6 Science-Backed Steps)

Whether you’ve just gone through a breakup, a crush rejected you, or you never even dated the person you care about, these strategies apply. The common thread is loss—and loss requires intentional recovery.

#1 Don’t React (Your Brain Is in Withdrawal)

You’ve just broken up or been rejected, and the flood of emotions feels cataclysmic. Anger, hurt, rejection, loss—everything else in the world seems to disappear.

Here’s what’s happening neurologically: Research by biological anthropologist Dr. Helen Fisher found that romantic rejection activates the ventral tegmental area and nucleus accumbens—the brain’s reward and addiction centers. When you’re dumped, the regions associated with craving and obsession actually become more active, not less.

As Dr. Fisher explains in her fMRI study on rejection^{4https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/20445026/}: “When you’re dumped, the one thing you love to do is just forget about them, and yet the brain’s reward system for wanting, for craving, for obsession, becomes more active.”

This is why contacting your ex feels so compelling. It’s biologically similar to a drug relapse—a temporary hit of dopamine followed by a deeper crash.

Managing Social Media After a Breakup

One of the biggest challenges in modern breakups is social media. Research shows that 53% of people admit to “stalking” their ex’s social media profiles after a breakup. This digital surveillance keeps your brain’s reward system activated, preventing healing.

Every time you check their profile, you’re giving yourself a small dopamine hit—followed by a crash. It’s the digital equivalent of texting your ex at 2 AM.

Social media boundaries to set:

• Unfollow or mute your ex (you don’t have to unfriend if that feels too dramatic)
• Remove them from your close friends list on Instagram
• Consider a temporary social media break entirely
• Ask mutual friends not to update you on your ex’s posts
• Delete saved photos from your phone’s camera roll (or move them to a hidden folder)

Now is not the time to make big decisions or act on untempered emotion.

Things you’ll likely regret later:

• Looking for revenge
• Sharing your ex’s secrets publicly
• Posting emotional content to social media
• Begging them to come back
• Jumping straight into another relationship
• Making major life changes (quitting your job, moving cities)
• Engaging in risky or self-destructive behavior

The only thing to do right now is pause. Let your nervous system calm down before deciding what comes next. Think of it as allowing the withdrawal symptoms to peak and subside before making any moves.

#2 Deal with Relationship Props

Relationships leave physical reminders—their shirt, a book, an extra charger. Before you can fully process the emotional weight, you need to address the physical evidence. These possessions carry emotional significance that can either help or hinder your healing.

You might be tempted to build a bonfire and burn everything connected to your ex. But once it’s gone, it’s gone. Purging in a fit of rage is less about finding closure and more about erasing the past. It might feel cathartic in the moment, but regret often follows.

On the flip side, if you’re struggling to let go of love letters, ticket stubs, and the mug they always used, there’s a neurological reason.A study published in Archives of General Psychiatry^{5https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/22868937/}examined brain activity when people had to discard personal possessions. While this research focused on hoarding disorder, the underlying mechanism offers insight into why letting go feels so hard: discarding emotionally significant items activates the anterior cingulate cortex and insula—brain regions associated with pain and distress.

In other words, when you think about donating the hoodie they used to wear, your brain experiences genuine conflict. The item feels connected to your identity. Getting rid of it registers as losing a part of yourself.

Pro Tip: Instead of burning, pitching, or donating things immediately, place the items in a box and store it somewhere out of sight. Wait until you’ve begun healing and can think clearly. Then ask yourself these questions:

Questions to ask yourself:

• Why do I want to keep this?
• Does this make me obsess over my ex?
• Does this object trigger negative emotions?
• Am I holding onto this because I’m waiting for them to return?
• Does this item have memories beyond my ex (a season of life, a place, other friends)?
• What will I accomplish by destroying this?
• Could I donate this item instead?
• Do I need more time before deciding?

Survey insight: A survey by Neighbor.com^{6https://blog.neighbor.com/storage-blog/adults-item-past-relationship/}of 1,000 Americans found that 68% of men keep items from past relationships compared to 62% of women. However, 50% of women who keep items hold onto them for more than five years, compared to 36% of men.

Pro Tip: If you need to return something to your ex, avoid doing it in person if possible. Mail it, drop it off when they’re not home, or have a friend deliver it.

#3 Rewrite the Narrative (And Release Resentment)

As you recover, it’s time to rewrite your internal story. This isn’t about revising history to fit your current mood. It’s about moving away from a victim mindset so you can find acceptance and healing.

Let’s say your partner constantly belittled you—undermining your ideas in front of friends, eroding your confidence over time.

That experience leaves you feeling crappy, angry, and hurt. Your internal narrative might sound like:

My opinions, thoughts, and feelings don’t matter, even to someone who said they loved me.

Healing from that isn’t easy. But staying in that narrative keeps you stuck in resentment and bitterness.

Try reframing it:

I deserve to be with someone who values my opinions, thoughts, and feelings. How my ex treated me reflects them, not my worth.

See the difference? You shift from powerlessness to agency. You’re ready to move forward.

How to Get Over Someone Who Cheated on You

Betrayal adds a layer of trauma that requires specific attention. When someone cheats, they don’t just end the relationship—they shatter your sense of reality. You may question your judgment, your worth, and even your memories of the relationship.

The narrative after cheating often sounds like: I wasn’t enough. There’s something wrong with me that made them look elsewhere.

Reframe it: Their choice to cheat reflects their character and their inability to communicate or commit—not my value as a partner.

Can you ever fully get over someone cheating on you? Yes, but it requires intentional work. The goal isn’t to forget what happened but to process it so thoroughly that it no longer controls your emotions or future relationships. Many people find that working with a therapist accelerates this process significantly.

How Do I Forget My Ex After Everything We’ve Been Through?

Here’s the truth: you don’t need to forget them. Trying to erase someone from your memory is both impossible and counterproductive. Instead, the goal is to process the relationship so completely that the memories lose their emotional charge.

Think of it like this: you’re not trying to delete the files, you’re moving them to long-term storage where they no longer pop up every time you open your mental desktop.

But what if you had an amazing partner? They were consistently loving, surprising you with small gestures, flooding your life with connection. When a great relationship ends, you may question what went wrong or whether it was all a lie.

Your narrative might become:

It was too good to last. I don’t deserve to be happy.

Or:

I’ll never find this kind of love again.

Flip it:

I’m grateful I experienced love from someone who cared about me. I’m capable of giving and receiving that kind of love again.

Dr. Gary Lewandowski, a psychologist who studies breakup recovery, notes: “Rather than focusing on the negative consequences of dissolution… people could use the present results as a motivation for leaving the bad relationship. In fact, leaving a bad relationship is likely to result in personal growth.”

Action Steps (5 Minutes):

• Grab your phone, a notebook, or a sticky note
• Write down the narrative you’ve been telling yourself
• Reframe it using the examples above

Action Steps (3-5 Days):

• If you can’t identify your narrative immediately, keep processing
• Throughout the week, jot down how your ex made you feel (use your phone’s Notes app)
• At the end of the week, look for patterns. That’s your narrative—and your starting point for rewriting it

#4 Check Your Expectations (And Gain Perspective)

Everyone enters relationships with expectations—conscious or not. You imagine deep connection, unconditional acceptance, someone who sees you completely.

But reality rarely matches what we expect. Mismatched expectations from both partners can end relationships that might otherwise have worked.

In 500 Days of Summer, Tom projects his expectations onto Summer, creating a fantasy version of her rather than seeing who she actually is. When reality intrudes, he responds with bitterness and disappointment. His expectations blinded him to the gap between fantasy and reality.

Pro Tip: As you process your breakup, accept the good memories and release the painful ones into forgiveness. But also examine what your expectations were—and whether they were reasonable. This perspective helps you see the relationship more clearly.

Action Steps (5 Minutes):

• Think about one expectation you had for your ex
• How did you feel when that expectation wasn’t met?
• Ask: Was that reasonable or unreasonable?

Action Steps (15 Minutes):

• List the hurts and betrayals you experienced
• Behind each feeling of pain, was there an unmet expectation?
• Evaluate whether those expectations were reasonable
• What expectations did your ex have for you?
• If you didn’t meet them, ask: Is this an area I need to grow, or do I need to release myself from their unreasonable expectations?

Gaining perspective on mutual expectations helps you avoid over-romanticizing or over-criticizing your ex. That perspective accelerates healing.

#5 Don’t Let Sunk Cost Fallacy Keep You Stuck

Sunk cost fallacy happens when you keep investing in something because of what you’ve already put in, ignoring whether it will actually help you now or later.

For example, you were with your ex for three years. You share all the same friends, planned a future together, and grew close to their family. You’ve invested enormously—and you’re not just losing your ex; you’re losing an entire network.

Even though it’s over, you don’t want to let go. Sunk cost fallacy convinces you it’s better to hold on, even when there’s no future benefit to a relationship that has ended. This causes you to lose more because you’re afraid of losing something already gone.

Research in behavioral economics confirms that sunk cost thinking keeps people in unhappy relationships longer than they should stay. We’re wired to avoid “wasting” our investments, even when continuing to invest causes more harm.

How Do You Get Over Someone Who Was “The One”?

The belief that someone was “the one” is often the sunk cost fallacy in disguise. You’ve invested so much emotional energy into this person that your brain creates a narrative to justify that investment: They were perfect for me. I’ll never find anyone like them.

This idealization trap keeps you stuck. The truth is, there’s no single “one”—there are many people you could build a fulfilling relationship with. Your ex may have been wonderful, but they weren’t the only person capable of loving you well.

To break free from this thinking:

• Write down three things about the relationship that weren’t perfect
• Acknowledge that your brain is exaggerating their positive qualities (this is normal)
• Remind yourself that “the one” is someone who chooses to stay and work through challenges with you

This pattern can look like:

• Obsessing over the person constantly
• Believing they’ll come back any day
• Talking about them in every conversation
• Texting or calling them repeatedly
• Pretending nothing has changed

This applies whether you were together for three months or three years. You’ve invested time, money, and emotion. Walking away feels like admitting defeat.

But the relationship is over. Continuing to invest in something that no longer exists only deepens the loss.

Pro Tips:

• Don’t beg. Texting, calling, and showing up at their workplace signals desperation and prolongs your pain.
• Talk about it, then stop. Rehashing everything repeatedly with friends isn’t processing—it’s reinvesting in something you’ve already lost.
• Express gratitude. Instead of romanticizing or vilifying your ex, find something genuine to appreciate about the experience.
• Be hopeful—about the right things. Instead of hoping they show up with a romantic monologue, look forward to the next phase of your life.

Action Steps: When do you obsess most? First thing in the morning? At night? When you’re with friends?

Set a routine for those vulnerable moments:

• Put a book by your bed. Reach for it instead of replaying memories.
• Have a morning activity planned for the first five minutes after waking—a smoothie, a short walk, journaling.
• Ask friends to gently redirect you when you start obsessively talking about your ex.
• Find something new to invest in (not a new relationship—not yet).

Instead of dwelling on what you’ve lost, consider what you gained from the relationship. Then redirect that investment energy toward learning new skills, supporting friends, or contributing to your community.

#6 Do What’s Right for You (Including a New Hobby)

Sometimes other people seem to have all the answers for your life. They decide you’ve been sad long enough, it’s time to move on, it’s time to date again.

Ignore the timeline others try to impose. Getting over someone means doing what’s right for you. If you need more time to find resolution, that’s your business.

Dr. Guy Winch, psychologist and author, puts it this way: “Recovering from heartbreak always starts with a decision, a determination to move on when our mind is fighting to keep us stuck.”

That decision is yours to make—on your schedule.

One powerful way to rebuild after a breakup is to invest in a new hobby or skill. Psychologists call this “self-expansion“—the process of growing your identity beyond the relationship. When you were with your partner, your sense of self became intertwined with theirs. Now you have the opportunity to rediscover who you are independently.

Consider activities that:

• You always wanted to try but never had time for
• Your ex wasn’t interested in
• Connect you with new people and communities
• Challenge you to learn something completely new

Compromising is normal in relationships, which sometimes means putting their needs ahead of yours. That’s changed now. Unless you have a child depending on you, your needs come first. Set boundaries and create space for yourself.

Sample scripts for setting boundaries:

• “Thank you for inviting me, but I’m not ready to be around people who will ask about my ex.”
• “I’m sure they’re lovely, but I’m not ready to date again.”
• “I need extra space right now, but I appreciate your concern.”
• “I’m struggling to get over my ex. Do you know a good therapist?”
• “When you tell me I’ve been sad long enough, it makes me feel like my emotions don’t matter. Everyone processes differently, and I hope you can support me even if you don’t fully understand.”

When to Seek Professional Help

While heartbreak is a normal human experience, sometimes the pain becomes more than you can manage alone. There’s no shame in seeking professional support—in fact, it’s often the smartest decision you can make.

Consider reaching out to a therapist if:

• Your daily functioning is significantly impaired (can’t work, can’t sleep, can’t eat)
• You’re experiencing thoughts of self-harm or suicide
• You’re using alcohol, drugs, or other substances to cope
• Your grief hasn’t lessened at all after several months
• You’re experiencing symptoms of depression or anxiety that feel unmanageable
• The breakup has triggered memories of past trauma
• You find yourself unable to stop contacting your ex despite wanting to stop

A therapist can help you process the breakup in ways that friends and family can’t. They provide objective perspective, evidence-based coping strategies, and a safe space to explore feelings you might not want to burden others with.

If cost is a concern, many therapists offer sliding scale fees, and online therapy platforms have made mental health support more accessible than ever.

If you are struggling, please note that this content is not professional medical advice. Consult a doctor or licensed therapist for questions about your physical or mental health.

How to Get Over Someone FAQs

How can you get over someone you’ve never dated?

Start by validating your emotions—they’re real even without an official relationship. Then let go of hopes for what might have been. Build other interests and limit interactions with the person. The process mirrors breakup recovery: you likely shared experiences, and your feelings may be just as intense as someone who was in a defined relationship.

How to recover after being rejected by a crush?

Acknowledge that your feelings are legitimate. Rejection is painful, and research confirms^{1https://www.pnas.org/content/108/15/6270}that your brain processes it similarly to physical injury. Check out this guide on how to recover from rejection for specific strategies.

What should you do after a breakup from a long-term relationship?

Remove them from social media and minimize interaction when possible. If you’ve been living together, have children, or share responsibilities, work through logistics early. For messy breakups involving children, consider a mediator to help with practical arrangements.

How do you get over a short-term relationship?

The same way you’d recover from a longer one—give yourself time and space to process. The length of a relationship doesn’t always indicate the depth of intimacy or the intensity of feelings.

How to get over someone who ghosted you?

Ghosting—when someone disappears without explanation—is increasingly common. Research suggests that approximately 29% of adults have been ghosted at some point. The confusion and lack of closure can make ghosting particularly painful.

To achieve closure after being ghosted:

• Accept that you may never get an explanation, and that’s about them, not you
• Write a letter you’ll never send, expressing everything you wish you could say
• Recognize that someone who ghosts lacks the communication skills for a healthy relationship
• Create your own closure by deciding what the relationship meant to you and consciously choosing to move forward
• Resist the urge to keep reaching out—silence is their answer

How to get over someone you see everyday?

This is one of the most challenging situations—whether it’s a coworker, classmate, or someone in your social circle. Strategies for unavoidable contact:

• Keep interactions brief and professional
• Avoid being alone with them when possible
• Create mental boundaries (they’re now an acquaintance, not your person)
• Have a support person you can text or call immediately after difficult interactions
• If possible, adjust your schedule to minimize overlap
• Focus on your own growth so encounters become less emotionally charged over time

How to Get Over Someone: Key Takeaways

1. Treat the first weeks like withdrawal. Your brain is craving contact with your ex the same way it would crave a drug. Avoid contact to let the craving subside.
2. Store mementos instead of destroying them. Put relationship items in a box out of sight. Decide what to keep or discard once you can think clearly.
3. Rewrite your internal narrative. Shift from victim language (“I don’t deserve love”) to agency language (“I deserve someone who values me”).
4. Examine your expectations. Identify which expectations were reasonable and which need releasing. This prevents repeating patterns.
5. Recognize sunk cost thinking. Stop investing time and emotional energy into a relationship that no longer exists.
6. Honor your own timeline. Others don’t get to decide when you should be “over it.” Set boundaries around your healing process.
7. Build forward, not backward. Instead of obsessing over what you lost, invest in new skills, friendships, and experiences.

Learning how to get over someone takes time, but you will move forward. Be patient with yourself as you work through this process. Before you do, discover your relationship pattern with The 5 Relationship Patterns: Which One Are You?