Science of People - Logo

How to Have and Hold Dazzling Conversation With Anyone: We Review 17 Science-Backed Steps

Subscribe to our weekly newsletter

Please enable JavaScript in your browser to complete this form.

Do you know how to have a conversation? I don’t just mean any old boring conversation. Do you know how to have dazzling, memorable, incredible conversations? 

Knowing how to start, hold, and end a conversation smoothly is one of the most important people skills you can have.

Watch the video below to learn more:

The art of sparkling conversation is one of our most requested topics at Science of People. So, a few months ago, I decided to research the topic to write this master conversation guide for you.

Create a Conversational Intention

One of the biggest conversational mistakes is going directionless into your events, dates, meetings, and parties.

You would only start driving to a new destination with the address, so why would you start a conversation without a goal in mind?

A conversation without a game plan is like driving without a map.

Like any good athlete, conversationalists practice, prepare, and execute to win. While you don’t want to ‘win’ a conversation, you might want to win business, friends, or new ideas.

Before any social interaction, set your intention, know your crowd, and do your research. This doesn’t have to be anything major. Think of one-sentence answers to the following while you get ready or drive to your event: Who, What, When, Why.

  • Who: Who is hosting the event?
  • What: What kinds of people are going?
  • When: When is it, and what’s the schedule?
  • Why: Why are you going?

Even a simple “I want to find some new clients” or “I want to have a great time” sets up an intention that means you are more likely to have a purpose while speaking to people. Purpose provides confidence, boosts influence, and is contagious. As humans, we like someone with direction.

Want to make every conversation count truly? Never have an awkward silence or boring conversation again. Discover the ultimate course to mastering your self-improvement without losing your authenticity.

Communicate With Confidence

Do you struggle with small talk? Do you often run out of things to say or feel awkward and self-conscious in social situations?

💪 Speak so people listen,
🤐 No more awkward silences,
🚫 No more small talk.

Use Friendly Body Language

We make our first impression in the first few seconds of seeing someone—this happens sometimes before you even start talking. Most people think we don’t make our first impression until we start talking, but this is not true. Be sure that before you even begin the conversation, you approach it with open and confident body language. When we first see someone, our brain tries to gauge whether they are friends or foes. You want to signal ‘friend’ signals right off the bat. Here’s how to have open body language right when you walk in the door:

  • Keep your hands visible.
  • Roll your shoulders down and back so they are nice and relaxed
  • Smile when you see someone you recognize or you want to talk to
  • Make eye contact as you walk towards them or say hello
  • Angle your body towards the person you are speaking with

Use Conversation Openers

What is the best conversation opener you have ever heard?

What is your go-to conversation starter?

The hardest part of a conversation is the opener. We tend to agonize over who and how to approach someone for a conversation. But don’t worry! A few conversation starters are the easiest way to get the chit-chat ball rolling.

I love to use context to create easy conversation starters. Here are some of my favorites:

  • How do you know the host?
  • What brings you here?
  • Have you been here before?
  • How’s the wine?
  • What’s the best thing on the menu?
  • Isn’t this venue cool?

Need more? We have 57 killer conversation starters you can use in almost any situation. Keep them in your back pocket.

Use Jerry Seinfeld’s Conversation Hack

Have you ever watched Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee? (Best. Sunday. Morning. Treat. Ever!)

Jerry Seinfeld gave an amazing social tip to make small talk whenever he meets strangers. And this tip ALWAYS works because there will ALWAYS be an answer from the other person.

What is this tip? Watch the video below to find out:

Try the Echo Technique

Think of the Echo Technique as the conversational boomerang. Someone throws you a phrase. You catch it and whip it back with a twist. Why does this work?

  • It keeps the focus on them, which people tend to like—a lot.
  • It nudges the dialogue forward without you having to break a sweat.
  • It signals you’re listening, not just waiting for your turn to talk.

For example, I met an interesting person at a networking event earlier this week. They said, “I’ve been learning sign language.” I tossed back, “Sign language?”

It’s not rocket science; it’s just smart. You’re prompting them to give you more without appearing as a nosy know-it-all. The “Echo Technique” is like the conversational equivalent of a gentle nudge. It’s simple, effective, and has no frills or fluff.

Remember not to overplay it—if you echo every word, you’ll sound like a broken record.

The Secret is in the Eyebrows

I want to teach you one of the easiest and most fun nonverbal conversation tricks. The eyebrow raises. Across cultures, we raise an eyebrow when we hear or see something interesting. Seeing someone do it in conversation often means you have said something engaging or brought up a topic that piques their curiosity. The eyebrow raise is the physical indicator of a spark. It clues you into a topic that they might like to discuss.

I had a great example of the eyebrow raise happen to me the other day. I was sharing a story at a networking event with a marketing executive. I told him about a great commercial I saw while watching a Portland Timbers game (the Portland soccer team). He was nodding while I talked about the commercial, but when I mentioned it was during a Timbers game, his eyebrows jumped.

After I finished the story, I asked him if he was a soccer fan. Sure enough, he said his son was trying to go pro—and this started a great conversation about soccer, sports, and kids. We traded cards, and I hope to do a workshop for his marketing team.

The Odd Detail Prompt

This odd but clever trick works. When using the Odd Detail Prompt, you’ll want to increase your observant skills for this one.

Picture this: you’re at a networking event or party. You might be thinking who’s the best person to target, what others think about you, the normal stuff.

But fixating on the environment for a bit. What stands out to you—even in the slightest? It could be someone who has a small ring on their pinky. Or perhaps you notice there’s a keychain on someone’s backpack.

Instead of pushing away that observation like it’s unimportant, bring it up: “Hey! I like your ring. Is there any significance to it?” or “Cool keychain! I noticed it’s a microphone—do you do public speaking?”

Use Interest Probes

Statistics tell us that the odds of finding someone with shared experiences can seem slim, with over seven billion people on the planet. Yet, the truth is quite the opposite—people often have more in common than they initially realize.

Studies1http://news.ku.edu/2016/02/19/new-study-finds-our-desire-minded-others-hard-wired-controls-friend-and-partner suggest that we are hard-wired to seek out others who are like-minded. Finding commonalities with others can greatly improve the quality of conversation and overall social bonding.

You’ll need to flip the script by actively seeking those common, shared experiences or interests. At a networking event, rather than the standard “What do you do?” ask something like, “What’s something exciting you’ve worked on recently?” or “Have you picked up any new hobbies or interests lately?”

These questions are designed to uncover passions and pastimes without putting the other person on the spot.

When discovering a shared interest, delve deeper with genuine curiosity: “You’re into kayaking too? I’ve been looking for new routes. Do you have any favorites?”

Active Steps for Shared Interest Discovery:

  • Mention Varied Interests: Discuss a broad array of your interests to increase the chances of hitting on a shared one.
  • Encourage Reciprocal Sharing: Ask open-ended questions that invite others to talk about what they love or are currently involved in.
  • Spot Clues: Pay attention to verbal cues and physical items (like a novel or a fitness tracker) that could hint at interests.
  • Connect the Dots: Relate their interests to your experiences or desires to learn more, which can reveal overlapping passions.
  • Follow-up: When a common interest is identified, suggest a future related activity or exchange of ideas to solidify the connection.

The Shared Endeavor Technique

Ready for a more advanced technique? Engage in a conversation to discover a joint venture or project, however small it might be. This is not about finding an interest you share but creating one in the moment.

Begin by identifying a common challenge or curiosity within the conversation. You should both establish reading as a hobby, but work/kids/stress keep those books at bay. 

Once you find a common problem, propose a mini-project or activity that you can contribute to. This could be as simple as deciding to read and discuss the same book or as complex as starting a community garden.

Another example might be at an art exhibit—instead of simply discussing the art, you could say, “I’ve been wanting to experiment with watercolors after seeing these. How about we both give it a shot and share our creations? It could be fun to compare notes on the experience!”

By proposing a shared endeavor, you forge a bond based on doing, not just talking. It’s a unique pivot that can take a conversation from pleasant to deeply engaging!

Special Note: Not everyone is up for doing other things—whether it be their busy schedule, a lack of initiative, or perhaps they’re just not interested. Don’t fret. It’s all part of the process, and learning how to handle rejection is vital.

Bookmarking

Some of the most talented conversationalists do “Bookmarking” during conversations. This is an advanced technique that I love, but it does take some practice. The bookmarking technique is when you add markers or emphasis to a certain part of the conversation that can create a deeper connection. Bookmarks are verbal markers, you say, to make it easier to follow up or have something to talk about in the future. Here are the different types:

  • Future Mentions: Let’s say you are talking about conferences, and someone mentions they will attend the same one as you in a few months. If you like the person, you can “bookmark” it by saying, “I’m headed there as well. We should get coffee after one of the sessions.” This is a bookmark that you can follow up on later.
  • Inside Jokes: These are my favorite—they are rare but lovely when they happen. Let’s say you chat with someone, and something interesting or funny happens. You can create a bookmark and then mention it to repeat the laugh later. I also call this ‘Milking the Joke.’ For example, I was on a long cross-country flight where they gave everyone a little bowl of nuts before take-off. For some reason, they put the bowl down in front of us and then took them away not even a minute later because they had to ‘clean up.’ I had time to eat one nut out of the whole bowl. So when they took it away, I turned to the guy next to me and said, “Budget cuts and recycling are killing the experience.” And he laughed, and I laughed, and we started a conversation. During dinner, we both joked about eating fast in case they took it away. Whenever they served us coffee, we giggled about hiding the mug in case they had to “clean it up.” I gave him my card, and he followed up with an email with the subject: “Don’t take my nuts!” and said I should give him a call next time I was in Dallas for a free dinner at the steakhouse he owned—free steak! I credit milking the joke for this free meal.
  • Exact Same: Sometimes, you can verbalize a ‘same-same’ moment. A same-same moment is when you both find out you have a similar interest, background, or commonality. You bookmark it by exclaiming how crazy it is you have that in common. For example, I met a woman at a party, and it turned out that we are the eldest of three sisters and have a 12-year age span. I bookmarked it by exclaiming, “WOW! I don’t think I have ever met someone with the same family situation as me—I’ll have to Facebook you next time one of my sisters asks me to get her out of trouble because you might be the only person in the world who gets it.” She agreed, and we shared multiple stories of this occurrence. We became Facebook friends, and sure enough, she sent me a screenshot of a text from her sister requesting a ride.
  • You Have to See: Sometimes, you can bookmark with a follow-up mention. I often bring up books, videos, or articles I like to people while speaking to them. If they give me an eyebrow and seem interested, I will bookmark it by saying, “I’ll be sure to Tweet you the link so you can check it out!” I love doing this because I get to share something I like, and they will often send recommendations back to me.

Find Sparks

Once you have the conversation started, you want to keep it going. The most charismatic people look for conversation sparks. They bring up topics, look for ideas, and ask questions that spark energy or excite the person. If you orient your questions and intention around eliciting sparks, keeping the conversation going and avoiding awkward lulls or directionless chit-chat will be much easier. 

Sparks usually come from asking someone about topics that trigger dopamine. This is a chemical that makes us feel excited and engaged. I recommend triggering dopamine by bringing up topics to help someone feel joy. Here are my favorite sparking questions:

  • Have any big vacation plans coming up?
  • Have you been working on anything exciting recently?
  • What’s the best part of your week?
  • Have you tried any new restaurants lately?
  • Are you working on any personal passion projects at the moment?

The Curiosity-Piquing Quirk Reveal

Flip the script on a small talk by introducing a quirk—something uniquely you and uncommon enough to pique interest and invite further inquiry.

This isn’t about confessing your deepest secrets; it’s about sharing a harmless, offbeat habit or preference that’s out of the ordinary. The key is to embed this quirk naturally within the flow of conversation.

Imagine you’re mingling in a coffee shop where the topic is favorite morning routines. Instead of “I start my day with a coffee,” you could offer, “I have this peculiar habit of solving a Rubik’s Cube every morning—it somehow kickstarts my brain.”

Here are some more great, interesting examples:

  • Deliberately wearing socks of different colors or patterns as a personal style statement or good luck charm.
  • Enjoying unconventional food pairings, like dipping fries in ice cream or adding hot sauce to popcorn.
  • Switching hands for different tasks, like writing with the left hand but throwing a ball with the right.
  • Using outdated technology for everyday tasks, such as writing on a typewriter or listening to music on a Walkman.
  • Predicting the weather based on old wives’ tales or personal signs rather than using a weather app.
  • Starting the day with a spontaneous doodle or sketch enhances creativity.
  • Reading magazines or catalogs from back to front, claiming it’s more interesting to go against the grain.
  • Dressing according to a self-declared theme for each day of the week, like “Mismatch Monday” or “Futuristic Friday.”
  • Preferring to navigate new places using a physical map or memory instead of GPS.
  • Humming tunes to the rhythm of nocturnal sounds, like crickets or the whirl of a ceiling fan, before sleeping.

Find the curious quirks that make you unique!

Captivate with Stories

I listen to a LOT of podcasts. One of my favorites is the Tim Ferriss podcast. He interviews fascinating people and asks really interesting deep-dive questions. Jimmy talked about advice he would give first-time climbers on one of his podcasts with Jimmy Chin, a professional climber.

This was interesting, but then he started telling a story to back up his advice about one of his first climbs. As soon as he began to tell the story, I was sucked into it. I leaned in, gasped at the surprises, and held my breath for the ending. The story mentally captured me, and I felt a physiological response while he told it. I will remember his advice far more from the story than his tips, even though the story could have been more direct.

  • What are your favorite stories to tell?
  • What is a story you can tell to back up a claim?
  • How can you answer in anecdotes?

Warning: Stories are great, but don’t be a conversational narcissist—make sure you do equal talking and listening by asking for their stories as well.

Harness the Power of “Bridge Phrases”

Diving deeper into the art of dialogue, a potent strategy is often overlooked: “Bridge Phrases.” While reciprocity lays the foundation, bridge phrases are the architectural flourishes that turn a basic back-and-forth into a compelling construct.

Consider conversation as a game of tennis. You want to keep the ball in play to maintain the rally. Bridge phrases are your topspin and slices—they add variety and keep the exchange dynamic. For instance, when someone shares an experience, a typical response might be, “That’s interesting!” Instead, try “That’s interesting, it reminds me of…” or “That’s quite an experience, how did that shape your view on…?”

Examples in Action:

  • From Personal to Universal: If someone talks about their recent kayaking adventure, instead of just nodding, you might say, “Kayaking in rapids sounds exhilarating! I just thought of an interesting connection to life—kayaking, with its up and down rapids, is kind of like the ups and downs of life.” You’ve just connected a personal story to a universal truth, opening a gateway to a deeper conversation.
  • From Present to Past, or Future: They mention they’ve started learning the guitar. A bridge phrase can be, “That’s fantastic. What inspired you to start? Did a certain artist or song spark that interest?” or “Where do you see this musical journey taking you?” Suddenly, you’re not just talking about the guitar but also personal inspirations and aspirations.
  • From Fact to Feeling: They share a fact: “I just finished reading this amazing book.” Instead of a simple “What’s it about?”, you could say, “I can see you’re excited about it. What about the book moved you?” This transitions the conversation from the cerebral to the emotional.

Bridge phrases do three things exceptionally well:

  • They show attentiveness: You’re not just listening; you’re actively engaging with the information presented.
  • They offer depth: By expanding the topic, you’re digging beyond the surface, which can be more satisfying for both parties.
  • They invite sharing: Similar to “How about you?”, bridge phrases naturally coax your conversation partner to elaborate without making them feel interrogated.

Next time you find yourself in a conversation, consider bridge phrases as your Swiss Army knife—versatile, handy, and always impressive when used with skill.

Encourage Reciprocity

No matter how great your body language is or how many funny stories you tell, you will turn people off if you commit a conversational sin. The biggest deal breaker is “Conversational Mooching.”

You know when you ask someone a question, and they answer but don’t ask you back? You ask them where they are from, and they say, “New York,” and then there is silence.

We expect reciprocity in conversations.

When we share something, we want someone else to share something. We want them to answer and ask us back when we ask a question. It doesn’t have to be tit for tat, but we are coded to look for and be treated with equality. Be sure you are not a moocher and give back as much as possible.

My three favorite words? Not “I love you”—although those are good too! Always ask people, “How about you?” after answering. These three little words are perfect for encouraging reciprocity.

Special Note: One other conversational sin is being a one-upper. A one-upper is someone who constantly has to outdo you or your story. You had a bad day—well, they had an even worse one! You traveled to 20 countries—well, they traveled to 25 AND have done all 50 states! Let people enjoy their moment and celebrate with them; don’t one-up them.

Exits

You’ve started a conversation, sparked stories, and gotten to know each other—now you have to end it. Sometimes, the art of the last impression is just as hard as nailing the first impression. The art of ending a conversation is easy. I have an entire post on the art of a lasting impression, but I encourage you to use bookmarks to end well.

  • Future Mentions: “Well, I can’t wait to see you at that ___ coming up—I’ll email you!”
  • Inside Jokes: “It was great laughing with you. I’ll be sure to ___ in the future ;)”
  • Exact Same: “I’m so glad I met a fellow ___ fan. You made my night!”
  • You Have to See: “I’ll be sure to send that link your way. It’s great talking to you!”

Watch our video below to learn how to end a conversation and gracefully exit any awkward situation:

The Post-Mortem

After an event or date, you can be tired, and all you want to do is flip on some Netflix and call it a night. But take a few minutes to do a post-mortem. This can be in your head as you drive home, talk with a spouse or roommate, or write in a journal. Answer the following three questions:

  • What went well tonight?
  • What did I learn?
  • Who should I follow up with?

The art of conversation is a skill—you have to keep learning and honing your ability. Your post-mortems can help you identify patterns and remember to follow up on bookmarks, LinkedIn connections, and promises.

How to Hold a Conversation FAQs

How Do I Start a Conversation

To start a conversation, begin with a friendly greeting, an open-ended question, or a comment about the immediate environment or context you both share. This could be as simple as commenting on the weather, asking for a recommendation, or expressing interest in something the person is doing.

How Do I Start a Conversation with a Guy?

Starting a conversation with a guy can be as straightforward as asking for his opinion on something topical, bringing up a shared interest, or making a light-hearted observational comment. It’s about finding common ground and proceeding with a topic that could be mutually engaging.

How Do I Start a Conversation with a Girl?

Initiate a conversation with a girl by complimenting, asking a thoughtful question, or bringing up a mutual interest. Pay attention to her response to gauge her interest and use it to guide the conversation into a dialogue that feels natural and reciprocal.

How Do I Hold a Conversation Online?

To hold a conversation online, use clear and concise language and remember that tone can be easily understood with verbal cues. Embrace emojis or punctuation to express emotion, and ask open-ended questions to invite more than a one-word response. Keep the dialogue interactive by sharing multimedia content related to the discussion when appropriate, like a relevant meme or article link, to keep the conversation vibrant and engaging.

Master The Art of Conversation

Great conversation can enhance your personal and professional relationships, whether online or in person. Here’s a quick recap of some key points to keep in mind:

  • Practice the Shared Endeavor Technique to forge connections by identifying and diving into shared experiences or common challenges during conversations.
  • Employ the Odd Detail Prompt to keep the dialogue memorable by incorporating unusual or specific details that can turn mundane topics into interesting stories.
  • Leverage the Emoji Code Switch in online conversations to provide emotional cues that enhance the meaning and tone of your text.
  • Embrace Reciprocity by giving as much as you take in a conversation, asking “How about you?” to show genuine interest in the other person’s responses.

Ready to take your conversational skills to the next level? Check out our article on 57 Killer Conversation Starters So You Can Start A Conversation With Anyone, Anytime.

36 thoughts on “How to Have and Hold Dazzling Conversation With Anyone: We Review 17 Science-Backed Steps”

  1. Thank you Vanessa for the informative lessons. My approach to public speaking and interaction to new acquaintances have now improved since I started following you.

  2. Thank you Vanessa for the informative lessons. My approach to public speaking and interaction to new acquaintances have now improved since I started following you.

  3. Thank you Vanessa for the informative lessons. My approach to public speaking and interaction to new acquaintances have now improved since I started following you.

  4. Thank you Vanessa for the informative lessons. My approach to public speaking and interaction to new acquaintances have now improved since I started following you.

  5. Thank you Vanessa for take your time share informative lessons . The first time I saw you . I know you are my model I wish , I can learn and how to share with people .

  6. Thank you Vanessa for take your time share informative lessons . The first time I saw you . I know you are my model I wish , I can learn and how to share with people .

  7. Thank you Vanessa for take your time share informative lessons . The first time I saw you . I know you are my model I wish , I can learn and how to share with people .

  8. Thank you Vanessa for take your time share informative lessons . The first time I saw you . I know you are my model I wish , I can learn and how to share with people .

  9. Hi, I believе your site may be һaving internet browser compatibility issues.

    Ԝhenever I lօoк at yoᥙr blog in Safari, іt lоoks
    fine but ԝhen opening in Ӏ.E., it has some overlaping issues.

    Ι јust wanted to givе you a quick heads up! Aside
    frⲟm thɑt, fantastic website!

  10. Hi, I believе your site may be һaving internet browser compatibility issues.

    Ԝhenever I lօoк at yoᥙr blog in Safari, іt lоoks
    fine but ԝhen opening in Ӏ.E., it has some overlaping issues.

    Ι јust wanted to givе you a quick heads up! Aside
    frⲟm thɑt, fantastic website!

  11. Hi, I believе your site may be һaving internet browser compatibility issues.

    Ԝhenever I lօoк at yoᥙr blog in Safari, іt lоoks
    fine but ԝhen opening in Ӏ.E., it has some overlaping issues.

    Ι јust wanted to givе you a quick heads up! Aside
    frⲟm thɑt, fantastic website!

  12. Hi, I believе your site may be һaving internet browser compatibility issues.

    Ԝhenever I lօoк at yoᥙr blog in Safari, іt lоoks
    fine but ԝhen opening in Ӏ.E., it has some overlaping issues.

    Ι јust wanted to givе you a quick heads up! Aside
    frⲟm thɑt, fantastic website!

  13. Womaniala Martin

    It is a pleasure to have interesting n caring souls in this universe. A great deal of blessings and thanks giving to the Author Vannessa Van Edwards for making people to have a feeling of selfworth.You’re such an inspirational human being.

  14. Womaniala Martin

    It is a pleasure to have interesting n caring souls in this universe. A great deal of blessings and thanks giving to the Author Vannessa Van Edwards for making people to have a feeling of selfworth.You’re such an inspirational human being.

  15. Womaniala Martin

    It is a pleasure to have interesting n caring souls in this universe. A great deal of blessings and thanks giving to the Author Vannessa Van Edwards for making people to have a feeling of selfworth.You’re such an inspirational human being.

  16. Womaniala Martin

    It is a pleasure to have interesting n caring souls in this universe. A great deal of blessings and thanks giving to the Author Vannessa Van Edwards for making people to have a feeling of selfworth.You’re such an inspirational human being.

  17. Hello my name is Joseph & I’m 23 years old, ever since I was little I used to get bullied for being gay, & now that I’m older I tend to not be social and it’s so hard for me to talk to someone, I still don’t know what to say after “hello, how are you”?

  18. Hello my name is Joseph & I’m 23 years old, ever since I was little I used to get bullied for being gay, & now that I’m older I tend to not be social and it’s so hard for me to talk to someone, I still don’t know what to say after “hello, how are you”?

  19. Hello my name is Joseph & I’m 23 years old, ever since I was little I used to get bullied for being gay, & now that I’m older I tend to not be social and it’s so hard for me to talk to someone, I still don’t know what to say after “hello, how are you”?

  20. Hello my name is Joseph & I’m 23 years old, ever since I was little I used to get bullied for being gay, & now that I’m older I tend to not be social and it’s so hard for me to talk to someone, I still don’t know what to say after “hello, how are you”?

Comments are closed.

How to Deal with Difficult People at Work

Do you have a difficult boss? Colleague? Client? Learn how to transform your difficult relationship.
I’ll show you my science-based approach to building a strong, productive relationship with even the most difficult people.

Please enable JavaScript in your browser to complete this form.

Get our latest insights and advice delivered to your inbox.

It’s a privilege to be in your inbox. We promise only to send the good stuff.

Please enable JavaScript in your browser to complete this form.