How to Be a Good Friend: 10 Research-Backed Steps

Science shows friendship is a skill, not a personality trait. Learn 10 research-backed action steps to become a better friend and build deeper connections.

I hit my social peak at five years old. Kindergarten was the golden age — I’d walk up to a kid on the playground, say “I like your shoes,” and boom: best friends for life. No scheduling, no small talk, no ghosted texts.

And then… adulthood. Somewhere between college graduation and the third time I moved cities, making friends started to feel like assembling IKEA furniture without the instructions.

But here’s what the science says: friendship isn’t a personality trait you’re born with. It’s a skill you build. The Harvard Study of Adult Development — one of the longest-running studies of adult life, spanning over eighty years — found that people who were most satisfied with their relationships at age 50 were the healthiest at age 80. Not their cholesterol levels, not their exercise habits. Their relationships.¹

As the study’s director Robert Waldinger put it: “Good relationships keep us happier and healthier. Period.”

So if you want to become a better friend (and live a longer, happier life while you’re at it), here are ten research-backed action steps.

Check out our video with friendship expert Adam Smiley Poswolsky, author of Friendship in the Age of Loneliness:

Why Friendships Matter More Than You Think

Here’s a hard truth: not all friendships are created equal.

Research shows that friendships predict happiness — but only when those friends reach “close friend” or “best friend” status. Having 500 acquaintances and a bustling social media feed? That doesn’t move the needle.

And right now, too many of us are stuck at the surface level. A 2021 Harvard survey found that 36% of Americans reported serious loneliness. And perhaps even more shocking is that half of lonely young adults reported that no one in the preceding few weeks had “taken more than just a few minutes” to ask how they were doing in a way that made them feel like the person “genuinely cared.”

In 2023, the U.S. Surgeon General declared loneliness a public health crisis, with health risks comparable to smoking fifteen cigarettes a day.

Researchers Daniel Perlman and Letitia Anne Peplau defined loneliness as the gap between the connection you want and the connection you actually have. That gap doesn’t have a look — it can hit anyone, at any stage of life.

The gap between the connection you want and the connection you actually have is the definition of loneliness.

The solution? Don’t wait for someone else to close that gap. Become the kind of friend who closes it for others.

The 3 Pillars of Deep Friendship

According to Shasta Nelson, author of The Business of Friendship, every strong friendship rests on three pillars — what she calls the “Frientimacy Triangle”:

Positivity

At least five positive interactions for every one negative. Good friends make each other’s lives better, not heavier. Positive friends encourage their friends to follow their dreams and goals. They are not dream killers, but dream builders.

Be the sheriff of good times. Sheriffs make sure things are in order. Sheriffs of good times are the ones who make sure others have someone they can count on:

• Check up on others to see if they are in a good mood.
• Go up to that person sitting alone and ask if they’re doing OK.
• Buy someone a coffee.
• Write down your favorite quote or positive affirmation on paper and give it to someone.

Science shows kindness spreads! If you spread kindness to others, the effect will multiply.

Consistency

Regular, reliable contact that builds trust over time. Your friends know they can rely on you, and you know you’ll be there if they ask for help. Miss a week? Fine. Miss a year? You’re basically strangers again.

To become more consistent, you need a friendship plan. Smiley recommended printing out a map and labeling your friends’ locations. Write the date you last talked so you can visualize when it’s time to reach out again. You can also rank your friends by level:

• Level 1: Acquaintances and people you know on a surface level.
• Level 2: Good friends or those you keep in touch with regularly.
• Level 3: Close friends whom you’d discuss deep, personal things with.

Post your friendship map above your desk as a reminder to reach out when you have a few free minutes.

Vulnerability

Progressively sharing your real self — fears, mistakes, hopes — not just the highlight reel. Surface-level friends refrain from being vulnerable because they’re afraid of rejection. But real friends show their vulnerabilities, which allows them to bond deeply.

Start with your loneliness gap. On a scale of 1 to 5, rate how much connection you need:

1. Totally alone for days on end without human interaction?
2. Talking to your spouse/family/dog without need for other connection?
3. Socializing with friends once a week?
4. Needing to go out and socialize a few times a week?
5. Having constant, deep social interaction every day?

Now, rate yourself at what level of human connection you actually have. The difference is your loneliness gap. Recognizing it is the first step to being vulnerable with yourself — and eventually, with others.

Think of these three pillars as your friendship diagnostic: if a relationship feels off, ask which pillar is wobbling.

10 Action Steps to Become a Better Friend

#1. Close Your Liking Gap — Reach Out First

Here’s the belief that kills more friendships before they start: “They probably don’t like me that much.”

You’re almost certainly wrong. Psychologist Erica Boothby’s 2018 research discovered what she calls the “liking gap” — after a conversation, people consistently believe the other person liked them less than that person actually did.²

The fix: be the one who reaches out first. Here are a few ways to do it:

• Congratulations text. Send a simple text of congratulations to a random friend. A simple “Congratulations!” will do. This works because someone almost ALWAYS has something to celebrate — a promotion, new baby, birthday, new gym habit. I’ve received amazing replies back from shocked friends wondering how I knew they’re having a baby shower or from acquaintances who just got engaged.
• Photo share. Have an exciting memory with your friend that you captured in a photo? Send it! Try something like, “Hey! I was just browsing my photos and stumbled upon this pic of us in Miami! Good times!”
• Friendship jar. Gather some scraps of paper and write down a friend’s name on each one. Stick the scraps in a jar and randomly reach in and grab one. Whoever you pick, reach out to them! Try doing this every week or two.
• Food story. Chances are, you’ve had some great food with your friend. The next time you’re at a similar restaurant, snap a pic of your food and send it!
• The Wild Goat. This one’s inspired by a random wild goat I saw running through the street a few years ago. When I saw it, I literally wanted to call up and tell ALL my closest friends. This wild goat became a cornerstone conversation piece for my texts and helped me connect with friends I hadn’t talked to in months. Next time something bizarre happens, use it as your excuse to reconnect.

It takes courage to send a text to someone you haven’t talked to in years. But as a recovering awkward person, I know how hard it is to make friends — and I also know how rewarding it is when you push through the discomfort.

Action Step: Open your phone right now and send one message to someone you haven’t talked to in a while.

#2. Celebrate Their Wins the Right Way

Psychologist Shelly Gable’s research found that how you respond to a friend’s good news is a stronger predictor of whether the relationship lasts than how you respond to their bad news.³

Only one response style builds the friendship — Active-Constructive: enthusiastic, curious, present. (“That’s amazing! Tell me everything.”) The other three — passive, destructive, or dismissive — all erode it, even the “nice” ones.

Let me tell you a story: When I first launched People School — my flagship interpersonal course for top performers — I was thrilled. Balloons-, sprinkles-, and glitter-in-the-air-type thrilled.

However, I received one dream-killing message from a “friend”:

“Nice job, but I still think [competitor]’s course is better.”

That was a fake friend! Fake friends are people who WON’T celebrate with you. They’ll find a million reasons why your product will fail or your idea won’t work — without offering constructive criticism.

Don’t be that person.

How to do it: When a friend shares a win, stop what you’re doing. Match their energy. Ask follow-up questions: “How did you find out? How are you celebrating?”

How you respond to a friend’s good news predicts whether the friendship lasts — more than how you handle the bad news.

#3. Redesign Your Hangouts

Are you tired of the same old “let’s have dinner” meetup?

Time to spice things up. Shared novel experiences build stronger bonds than routine meetups. Think outside the box:

• host a hot pot or fondue party
• have a taco night
• take a cooking class
• do a picnic
• eat international cuisine
• have a vegan lunch
• bring your pets over
• host a cooking-with-kids activity

And if they suggest yet another dinner outing, try taking the initiative: “Hey! That sounds amazing. I was planning on having a taco night. Want to come over instead?”

Get creative!

#4. Use the Mere-Exposure Effect Strategically

The more you see someone, the more you tend to like them. This is the mere-exposure effect — Robert Bornstein’s meta-analysis of 208 studies found that brief, repeated contact (10–20 exposures) produces peak liking.⁴

The mere-exposure effect explains why we’re afraid of making new friends in the first place but perfectly comfortable in the presence of our close friends.

Here’s how to optimize it:

• Prioritize shorter meetups rather than longer ones. A 45-minute coffee twice a month beats a once-a-year five-hour dinner. Short meetups show you value the other person’s time, and there’s less chance of running out of things to do.
• Meet your friends, but not too much. It can take 10 interactions to build a relationship with someone new — just like breaking in a new pair of jeans, it takes time to feel comfortable.
• Give your friendships breathing space. Don’t be that clingy person asking to meet up every day! The novelty wears off when you see someone constantly. But meet up after a gap and you’ve probably got a lot to talk about.

Pro Tip: The effect amplifies existing feelings. One interesting social experiment found that we actually dislike people more if we already find them annoying. More exposure makes it worse — not better.

#5. Invest the Hours (The 50-90-200 Rule)

Jeffrey Hall’s 2018 research found that friendship costs real time⁵

• ~50 hours → acquaintance to casual friend
• ~90 hours → casual to real friend
• 200+ hours → close or best friend

Leisure time counts far more than work time. You’re not bad at making friends — you might just be fifty hours short.

#6. Remember Their Important Dates

What special days do you want to celebrate with your friends?

• their birthday
• your friend-iversary
• their wedding anniversary
• the kids’ birthdays
• their favorite holiday

Great friends keep track of special days. They don’t memorize them — there are WAY too many dates to remember. But they do track them.

Here’s what you can do:

• Download a to-do app or simply use your reminder app on your phone.
• Brainstorm a list of all your friends’ special days — birthdays, the day you first met, a graduation or wedding.
• Set the annual reminder. Make sure it’s a recurring event that notifies you a day or two before the big day.
• Celebrate! Pop open the champagne, pick a fun activity, invite them to a networking event, or simply send them a celebratory message.

You might be surprised how much people appreciate this. You might even be one of only a handful of people who remembers — and that builds deep loyalty.

#7. Ask Questions That Spark Real Conversation

Have you ever asked a question like “How’s the weather?” or “How are you?” One word: boring!

Harvard researchers Tamir and Mitchell found that talking about ourselves activates the same reward centers in the brain as food and money.⁶ Ask questions that invite self-disclosure:

• “What’s something unexpected that happened to you recently?”
• “What was your most memorable concert?”
• “Who in your life makes you laugh the hardest?”
• “What was the worst date you’ve been on?”
• “If you could travel anywhere tomorrow, where would you go?”
• “What does your dream home or apartment look like?”
• “What’s a creative project you’ve been wanting to start?”

For a more comprehensive list of fun conversation starters, check out our article: Killer Conversation Starters So You Can Start A Conversation With Anyone, Anytime

Talking about ourselves activates the same brain reward centers as food and money. Ask better questions, and people will love talking to you.

#8. Handle Disagreements Without Destroying the Friendship

Conflict doesn’t kill friendships. Avoiding conflict does. John Gottman’s research identifies four patterns that predict relationship failure: criticism (attacking character), contempt (eye-rolling, mockery), defensiveness (deflecting instead of listening), and stonewalling (shutting down entirely).

Use “I” statements instead: “I felt left out when…” not “You always exclude me.” If you’re angry, take a twenty-minute cool-down. A repaired disagreement proves the friendship can survive conflict — and that makes it stronger.

#9. Learn Their Love Language

A love language is, according to Gary Chapman, how we give and receive love. There are 5 main languages:

• physical touch, like hugs and kisses
• receiving gifts
• spending quality time with someone
• receiving acts of service, like someone doing the dishes or laundry for them
• words of affirmation, such as thank-yous and reassurance

The catch? We default to showing love the way we want to receive it. Your friend who values quality time won’t feel loved by a gift. Some friends may prefer receiving gifts, while others love it when you praise their work.

Start by finding their love language. Experiment by giving them a gift, an appropriate touch on the shoulder, offering your service to them, etc. Or take a deep dive and get familiar with the love languages by taking our quiz:

Take the quiz

#10. Turn Mondays Into Friend-Days

A survey by Evidation Health of about 40,000 people found that Mondays are when people socialize the least and feel the most stressed.⁷

Which makes Monday the perfect day to schedule friend time. Researcher Katherine Milkman’s work on the “Fresh Start Effect” shows that temporal landmarks like Mondays naturally motivate people to pursue new behaviors.⁸

Start a Monday Night Activity Club and give your whole crew something to look forward to on the worst day of the week:

• host a game night
• do a scavenger hunt
• have a theme potluck night
• grocery shop together (then have dessert)
• make an ice cream night
• start a book club
• host a karaoke night

Try starting, joining, or doing a Monday night activity club once a week or month (depending on your extroversion level). Gather your friends, post a group notice on local bulletin boards, or find friends online on Meetup.com or your local Facebook groups to get the ball rolling.

Bonus Tip: Start Using the Word “Friend”

Here’s a really simple tip: start using the word friend.

You’re welcome, friend! Nice to hear from you, friend. This is my friend… Oh, I missed you, friend!

Sometimes, honoring our friends with that label strengthens the friendship.

How to Spot (and Handle) a Friendship That’s Fading

Not every friendship is meant to last forever. Watch for these signs: you’re always the one reaching out, responses become dry or delayed, or they’ve gone surface-level on topics they used to discuss freely.

If you notice a pattern, try asking directly: “I’ve felt a bit of distance between us lately — is everything okay with us?” And watch for genuine red flags: a friend who never reciprocates effort, gossips about mutual friends, or can’t celebrate your wins. Those patterns signal a friendship that’s costing more than it’s giving.

Why Are We Lonelier as Adults?

Making friends as a kid may seem easier than as an adult. No longer are we forced to be smooshed together on a yellow bus or sat down next to each other in assigned seats to learn together. And no longer do we constantly hear, “Did you make a friend at school?”

Our expectations change as we grow up, so we need to change our friendship-making skills.

As adults, friendships seem more fluid. We’ve got kids, jobs, and other struggles to deal with. So we simply decide to prioritize other responsibilities over making and keeping friends.

However, the irony is that the better you are at relationships, the more professional success and happiness you’ll have.⁹

Frequently Asked Questions

What are the 10 qualities of a good friend?

The most important qualities research points to are: consistency (showing up reliably), vulnerability (being honest about your real self), positivity (making each other’s lives better), loyalty (having their back when they’re not in the room), empathy (understanding their perspective), good listening, honesty, emotional support during tough times, the ability to celebrate their wins genuinely, and respect for boundaries.

What are the 5 C's of friendship?

The 5 C’s are Communication (open, honest dialogue), Consistency (showing up reliably over time), Connection (shared interests or natural chemistry), Caring (genuine concern for each other’s well-being), and Commitment (mutual intention to maintain the friendship through ups and downs).

What is the 11-6-3 rule of friendship?

This popular framework suggests building a genuine friendship requires about 11 encounters, averaging 3 hours each, over roughly 6 months. It aligns with Jeffrey Hall’s research showing that friendship requires about 50 to 200+ hours of accumulated quality time, depending on the depth of closeness you’re building.

How do I start being a good friend?

Start by closing the liking gap — reach out to someone you’ve been thinking about, even if you assume they’re not interested. People almost always like you more than you think. Send a text, share a memory, or suggest a low-pressure hangout. Consistency matters more than grand gestures.

What is the biggest red flag in a friendship?

Lack of reciprocity — when one person consistently gives emotional support, time, and effort while the other only takes. Other major red flags include chronic boundary violations, belittling disguised as “jokes,” gossip about mutual friends, and an inability to celebrate your successes.

Friendship isn’t a personality trait you’re born with. It’s a skill you build — and the research proves it.

How to Be a Good Friend: Key Takeaways

1. Close the liking gap. People like you more than you think. Reach out first.
2. Celebrate wins the right way. Use Active-Constructive Responding — enthusiastic, curious, present.
3. Redesign your hangouts. Novel shared experiences build stronger bonds than routine dinners.
4. Use the mere-exposure effect. Brief, repeated contact (10-20 times) with breathing room builds maximum liking.
5. Invest the hours. It takes ~50 hours to become casual friends, ~90 for real friends, and 200+ for close friends. Be patient.
6. Track important dates. A two-day-early reminder turns you into the friend who always remembers.
7. Ask better questions. Invite self-disclosure and watch conversations transform.

Friendship is the single best investment you can make in your health and happiness. And the best part? Every one of these steps is learnable.

For more on building meaningful connections, check out these resources:

• How to Make Friends As An Adult In 5 Easy to Use Steps

• 30 Days to Better Relationships
• Why You Don’t Have a Group of Friends Like Friends

If you are struggling with loneliness or mental health challenges, please note that this content is not professional medical advice. Consult a doctor or licensed therapist for questions about your physical or mental health.