30 Conversation Starters for People You Don't Like

Science-backed conversation starters for people you dislike. 30 phrases for coworkers, family, and acquaintances, plus 5 deflection techniques.

We’ve all been there. You walk into a meeting, a family dinner, or a neighborhood barbecue, and that person is there—the one who makes your jaw tighten before they even open their mouth. You paste on a smile and think, “Just get through it.”

Here’s the problem: about 9 out of 10 people have at least one coworker who gets under their skin. Roughly 1 in 5 Americans are estranged from a family member over political disagreements alone. You are not the only one white-knuckling your way through conversations you’d rather skip.

But the common advice—“just set aside your negative feelings”—actually makes things worse (more on that in a moment). What you really need are specific words to say and a science-backed game plan for saying them.

That’s exactly what these 30 conversation starters are for.

Why Your Brain Makes You Dislike People (And What to Do About It)

Your dislike might feel 100% justified. And maybe it is—some people are genuinely difficult. But your brain is also stacking the deck against them.

A phenomenon called negativity bias means you need fewer examples of bad behavior to label someone “bad” than good behavior to label them “good.” On top of that, the fundamental attribution error causes you to blame their character (“They’re a jerk”) rather than their situation (“They’re having a terrible week”). Once that label sticks, confirmation bias makes sure you only notice evidence that proves you right.

So what about the popular advice to “set aside all negative feelings”? Stanford researcher James Gross—the leading expert on emotion regulation—found that suppressing emotions actually backfires. Suppression hides the outward display, but the internal experience stays just as intense. Worse, it takes so much mental bandwidth that your conversation partner can sense something is off, which raises their stress too.

Suppressing your feelings doesn’t make them disappear—it just makes your conversation partner sense that something is off.

The science-backed alternative? Name it to tame it. UCLA researcher Matthew Lieberman found that simply labeling an emotion—saying “I feel frustrated” instead of just being frustrated—activates the brain’s prefrontal cortex and dampens the amygdala’s alarm response. It’s an automatic braking system, and it works even when you’re not trying to calm down.

Once you’ve named the feeling, you can reframe the situation—a technique researchers call cognitive reappraisal. Instead of thinking “They’re ignoring me on purpose,” try “They might be distracted” or “I don’t actually know their intent.” This approach reduces the feeling itself, not just the display.

That reframe is the foundation for everything that follows.

The 3-Step Prep Before Any Dreaded Conversation

Before you reach for a conversation starter, spend sixty seconds on this pre-conversation ritual. It’s built on the same research above, and it changes everything.

Step 1: Label your emotion. Get specific. “I feel annoyed” is good. “I feel dismissed because they interrupted me last time” is better. The more precise the label, the stronger the calming effect.

Step 2: Reframe the situation. Use the “Catch it, Check it, Change it” model from Harvard’s Strategic Decisions Lab:

• Catch it: Notice the automatic thought (“This is going to be awful”)
• Check it: Name three other possibilities (“It might be brief,” “They might be in a better mood,” “I can leave after ten minutes”)
• Change it: Replace with a balanced thought (“I’ll aim for a civil five-minute conversation”)

Step 3: Set a specific goal. Gottman’s research found that 96% of conversations end the way they start. If you walk in without a goal, your default emotion runs the show. Instead, decide in advance: “My goal is to ask about their weekend and exit politely.” That’s it. Small, concrete, achievable.

Pro Tip: This three-step process maps to what communication researchers call the Three C’s of assertive communication—be Clear, Consistent, and Compassionate. Clear about what you want, consistent in your tone, and compassionate enough to assume the other person isn’t out to ruin your day.

Fill-in-the-Blank Conversation Starters

These five starters are your Swiss Army knife—versatile enough for coworkers, acquaintances, or anyone you’d rather not be stuck with. They work because they’re open-ended, keep the spotlight on the other person, and require minimal emotional investment from you.

1. “I’m wondering if I could get your opinion on ____.” This leverages the Benjamin Franklin Effect: when someone does you a small favor (like sharing their opinion), their brain resolves the cognitive dissonance by deciding they must actually like you. Ask about something they genuinely know—a restaurant recommendation, a software tool, a book.

2. “I just tried ____ for the first time, and I loved it.” Sharing a small, positive experience invites the other person to relate without requiring them to reveal anything personal. It’s low-stakes small talk, and research shows we consistently overestimate how awkward it will be.

3. “How is ____ going?” Fill in something you know they care about—a project, a hobby, a renovation. This signals you’ve been paying attention, which research by Karen Huang at Harvard found is the core driver of likability.

4. “Did you see ____ (latest viral video, show, or cultural moment)?” Pop culture is a universally safe topic—zero personal risk, instant common ground. If they’ve seen it, you have a conversation. If they haven’t, you have a recommendation.

5. “How is ____ (the person you share a connection with)?” Asking about a mutual friend, their kid, or their partner shows warmth without requiring you to feel warm. It also naturally generates follow-up questions, which Harvard research shows are the single most effective way to increase likability.

If You Don’t Have Anything Nice to Say, Say This

These ten starters are designed for the moments when you’re biting your tongue. Each one redirects the conversation toward neutral or positive territory.

6. “What’s the best thing you’ve eaten this week?” Food is the safest topic in existence. Everyone eats, everyone has opinions, and nobody gets offended by a restaurant recommendation.

7. “Have you been watching anything good lately?” Entertainment recommendations keep the conversation flowing without touching anything personal. If they name something you’ve also seen, you’ve found instant common ground.

8. “I’ve been meaning to ask—what do you think of (shared environment detail)?” Comment on the office renovation, the event venue, the catering. Observations about a shared environment are inherently neutral and give both of you something external to discuss.

9. “Do you have any plans this weekend?” Classic for a reason. It’s forward-looking (people enjoy talking about plans more than recapping the past) and lets them steer the topic.

10. “I could use a recommendation—know any good (podcasts / books / coffee shops)?” Another Benjamin Franklin Effect play. You’re asking for a small favor, which makes them feel valued and subtly shifts their perception of you.

The secret to being more likable isn’t being more interesting—it’s being more interested.

11. “That’s a great (jacket / bag / phone case)—where did you get it?” A specific compliment on a choice someone made (not their appearance) is flattering without being awkward. It also gives them an easy thing to talk about.

12. “I heard you’re really into ____. How did you get started with that?” People light up when asked about their passions. Even someone you dislike becomes more tolerable when they’re talking about something they love.

13. “What’s keeping you busy these days?” A better version of “What do you do?” because it doesn’t assume their identity revolves around work. They can answer with a hobby, a project, or their job—their choice.

14. “Can you believe this (weather / traffic / line)?” Shared complaints about external circumstances create a micro-bond. You’re on the same team against the weather, not against each other.

15. “If you could take a trip anywhere right now, where would you go?” A hypothetical question that’s fun to answer and reveals something about the person without requiring vulnerability. It also tends to generate longer, more engaging responses than factual questions.

Conversation Starters for Difficult Family Relationships

About 56% of Americans have had a falling out with a close family member. If you’re dreading Thanksgiving dinner or a family reunion, these starters focus on nostalgia and safe emotional territory.

16. “What’s the best thing that happened to you this year?” A

Conversation Starters to Be More Open-Minded

Here’s a surprising finding from Nicholas Epley’s research at the University of Chicago: deep conversations are less awkward and more enjoyable than small talk—for both introverts and extroverts. We stay on the surface because we assume others don’t want to go deeper, but the research says otherwise.

A Yale study also found that exchanging personal stories is far more effective at reducing prejudice than debating facts. These starters invite narrative rather than argument—even with someone you dislike.

21. “What’s the best piece of advice you’ve ever received?” This question bypasses surface-level chatter and invites a personal story. You might be surprised by what you learn about someone you thought you had figured out.

22. “What’s something you’ve changed your mind about recently?” A perspective-taking question that signals intellectual humility. It also reveals how someone thinks, not just what they think.

23. “What’s something most people don’t know about you?” This invites a small reveal that can shift your entire perception of someone. It works because it’s playful, not probing.

24. “What’s a skill you’d love to learn if you had unlimited time?” Aspirations are a safe, positive topic. This question often surfaces values and interests you’d never discover through small talk.

25. “What’s something you’re proud of from this past year?” Giving someone the chance to share an accomplishment—even a small one—creates positive energy in the conversation and makes them associate that good feeling with talking to you.

5 Conversation Shields: How to Protect and Deflect

Sometimes the goal isn’t connection—it’s survival. These five named techniques help you navigate uncomfortable moments without escalating tension. Each one buys you time, redirects the energy, or gets you out cleanly.

I was at a family dinner last year when a relative dropped a provocative comment about my career choices. My instinct was to fire back. Instead, I tried something: “Help me understand—what specifically concerns you about it?” The room went quiet. They stumbled for a moment, then softened their tone completely. That’s The Clarifier in action.

26. The Parrot (Mirroring) Repeat the last few words of what someone said, as a question. This buys you time, signals you’re listening, and keeps them talking without requiring you to share anything.

• Them: “I just think the whole project is a disaster.”
• You: “A disaster?”
• Best for: When you need a moment to think, or when someone is venting and you just need to ride it out.

27. The Deflector (Question Pivot) Respond to a probing or aggressive question with a neutral question of your own, shifting focus from you to them.

• Them: “So when are you finally going to get promoted?”
• You: “Ha—good question! What’s been keeping you busy at work lately?”
• Best for: Nosy questions about your personal life, salary, or relationship status.

28. The Politician (Bridge to Neutral Ground)

Briefly acknowledge their point, then immediately pivot to a neutral topic—just like a politician dodging a tough question.

• Them: “I can’t believe you voted for…”
• You: “Politics is definitely on everyone’s mind. Speaking of big events—have you been following the Olympics?”
• Best for: Political or divisive topics at social gatherings.

29. The Pollyanna (Positive Reframe) Redirect negative energy toward something positive without dismissing the person’s feelings.

• Them: “This party is so boring.”
• You: “I know what you mean—but the food is amazing. Have you tried the bruschetta?”
• Best for: Chronic complainers who drain the energy from every room.

30. The Clarifier (Slow the Conversation Down) When someone says something provocative or hurtful, ask them to explain rather than reacting. This forces them to think about what they said—and they often soften their position.

• Them: “Well, that’s a terrible idea.”
• You: “Help me understand—what specifically concerns you about it?”
• Best for: Passive-aggressive comments, backhanded compliments, or moments when you’re tempted to snap back.

When someone says something provocative, asking them to explain is more powerful than firing back.

How to Handle Awkward Silences

It takes only about four seconds of silence for English speakers to start feeling uncomfortable. Here are three quick recovery moves:

1. The Backtrack: Revive a previous topic. “You mentioned earlier that you’re working on something new—how’s that going?”
2. The Environment Comment: Point to something external. “This coffee is surprisingly good” or “Have you been to this place before?” takes the pressure off both of you.
3. The Honest Pause: Say “I’m just thinking about what you said.” This turns a gap into a compliment—you’re taking their words seriously.

The One Question Type That Makes Anyone Like You More

If you only remember one thing from this article, make it this: follow-up questions are the single most effective conversational tool.

Harvard researchers Karen Huang and Alison Wood Brooks studied thousands of conversations and found that people who asked more follow-up questions were consistently rated as more likable. In speed-dating experiments, asking just one additional follow-up question per date was associated with getting more second dates.

The reason? Follow-up questions signal that you’re listening—not just waiting for your turn to talk. Most people focus on being interesting when they should focus on being interested.

How to use this with someone you dislike: After they answer any question, ask one follow-up.

Conversation Starters for People You Dislike: Takeaway

Talking to someone you dislike doesn’t require you to suppress your feelings or fake a friendship. It requires a plan. Here are your action steps:

1. Before the conversation: Label your emotion, reframe the situation, and set one small goal.
2. Open with any starter from this list that fits the context—fill-in-the-blank for coworkers, nostalgia questions for family, deeper questions if you’re feeling brave.
3. Use follow-up questions to keep the conversation flowing without oversharing. Being interested beats being interesting.
4. If things go sideways, reach for a Conversation Shield—The Parrot, The Deflector, The Politician, The Pollyanna, or The Clarifier.
5. Time-box your exposure. You don’t have to endure a three-hour dinner. Plan your exit before you arrive.
6. Remember the reframe: Your brain’s negativity bias may be amplifying your dislike. Give the other person one more chance to surprise you.

Is your difficult person a coworker? Vanessa deeply dives into how to deal with difficult people at work.

Frequently Asked Questions