BE THE MOST MEMORABLE PERSON IN THE ROOM

I'll show you how

Have you heard? PQ is the new IQ.

Interpersonal intelligence is one of the most overlooked, underutilized skill sets. In school, as we form our careers or level-up our professional life we often think about technical skills. We forget about soft skills. I believe people skills should not be optional.

When you have exceptional people skills, everything becomes easier.

You are able to:

  • Negotiate for more money
  • Make friends easily
  • Engage in non-awkward conversations
  • Say no to toxic people
  • Bond quickly with clients
  • Get along with colleagues
  • Detect lies
  • Fight less with your partner
  • Understand the people in your life

As a human behavior investigator, I study the hidden forces that drive our behavior patterns in my  lab—the Science of People. Over the past decade, I’ve developed shortcuts, formulas, and blueprints for getting along with anyone.

5 Great Social Habits:

Today I want to dive into the 5 habits of highly socially successful people. They are my secret weapons for interaction.

 

#1: Infect Excitement

It might sound crazy, but our emotions are contagious (citation 1). We are spreading our moods all the time–even from what we post on Facebook. One study (citation 2) analyzed over a billion anonymized status updates from 100 million users. They found that positive creates an upward spiral of more positive posts. Whereas even one negative post creates a downward spiral of more negative posts.

Here’s the good news: The positive posts were more influential and more contagious.

This happens both online and offline. In one study published in the British Psychological Society (citation 3) they found that when you share positive news with a friend it helps you BOTH. Your happiness increases and so does theirs.

Action Step:

  • Try to infect excitement with the people around you. Share the big news, but also share the small news. Love your vanilla latte? Share that frothy goodness on Insta!
  • Before meeting a friend think about all the good news you can share. Think of funny stories, juicy updates and something you can toast together. There is nothing better than a good champagne toast.

 

#2: Avoid Dreamkillers

Ok, so let’s say you take the advice from People Skill #1 and you share some super exciting news with a friend. Then their reaction is…a little lackluster, kinda neutral or worse a little jealous.

I believe sharing excitement is both an awesome people skill and a people test.

If you share a piece of exciting news and the person you are with gets really excited with you and for you–bingo, this is a great connection. If you share a piece of exciting news and the person you are with doesn’t respond well–alert, alert, alert! This might not be a great connection. I call these people dreamkillers.

Dreamkiller n

A person who shuts down excitement, passion and joy in others because they are jealous, disengaged or poopy.

Life is too short to surround ourselves with people who don’t truly support us. When you find a dreamkiller, weed them out immediately. These people are toxic! Here are other kinds of toxic people you might want to watch out for:

 

#3: Add, Don’t Subtract

Oh man, now I have something difficult to ask you. Are you a dreamkiller? Sometimes we dreamkill without realizing it.

In an interaction you are either adding to it–building excitement, laughing at jokes, asking questions.

Or you are subtracting from it–being cynical, disengaging or not asking reciprocal questions.

Subtracting are all small dreamkillers. And they can be hurtful and stunt relationship growth if done too often. Here are the ways we dreamkill without realizing it:

  • Being a wet blanket. Your friend’s going to Mexico, but you point out the Zika outbreak. Your Mom got a new sweater, but you tell her it’s the wrong color. Your colleague lost weight, but you point out her new jowls. Stop putting a damper on people’s excitement! Don’t be a buzzkill.
  • Not playing catch. You know when someone asks you, “How was your week?” And then you answer, but don’t ask back. Ya, that sucks. Ask questions back! Be curious! Play catch when someone throws you the ball, don’t run away with it like the Beast in Sandlot.
  • Being a downer. There was traffic. I couldn’t find parking. This wine is terrible. This food is expensive. Ya, we get it life is tough. If you are in a bad mood, stay home and eat ice cream! Come out to juice people up, not to bring people down.

 

#4: Decode Hidden Emotions

Sometimes we don’t share how we are truly feeling–very highly socially intelligent people know how to suss out what’s happening behind the words. Dr. Paul Ekman discovered 7 Universal Facial Expressions–called microexpressions. Once you learn how to spot them you can learn a lot about what someone is really thinking. The most important one for you to spot is contempt.captivate, captivate book, vanessa van edwards

It is simply a one-sided mouth raise. The problem is that we think of a smirk as partial happiness or boredom–but that could not be farther from the truth! Contempt is an expression of disdain, pessimism and scorn.

  • Make sure you are not accidentally showing it in your profile picture!
  • If you see it on someone’s face, be sure to get to the root cause. What is causing that negativity? Make sure it’s not you!
  • Learn all 7 of the microexpressions in my latest book Captivate: Use Science to Succeed with People. Our entire Chapter 6 is an overview of the microexpressions and how to spot them.

 

#5: Stop People Pleasing

Being ‘good with people’ does not mean saying yes to everything. Many of us confuse superior people skills with flattery and people pleasing. This is the farthest thing from the truth! You have to be able to say no to the wrong people so you have energy to interact with the right ones.

Anti-people pleasing is an incredibly important people skill. It involves:

  • Setting up boundaries
  • Saying no
  • Eliminating toxic people

Don’t feel like you always have to say yes. Don’t be pressured into appeasing people just because you feel like you should. I believe high interpersonal intelligence comes from taking control of your interactions.

Bring control back into your social life:

  • Infect excitement with people you care about
  • Avoid dreamkillers
  • Don’t be a dreamkiller–add to all of your interactions
  • Decode hidden emotions in the people you meet (and watch out for contempt!)
  • Stop people pleasing, it won’t win you the right kind of friends.

Want more like this? Want to really elevate your people skills? Check out the trailer for Captivate: Use Science to Succeed with People

buy captivate

When you understand the laws of human behavior you can get along with anyone and your influence, impact and income will increase as a result. What’s more, you will improve your interpersonal intelligence, make a killer first impression and build rapport quickly and authentically in any situation—negotiations, interviews, parties and pitches. You will never interact in the same way again.

In Captivate, you will learn:

  • The Social Game Plan: Every party, networking event and social situation has a predictable map – discover how to work a room and the sweet spot for making the most connections. (Hack #1)
  • The Death of Small Talk: All conversations can be hacked—if you know how certain words generate dopamine in the people you meet. (Hack #3)
  • The Triple Threat: What’s the social equivalent of being a superstar? I’ll tell you it has nothing to do with singing (thank goodness), but does build trust, charisma and rapport. (Hack #2)
  • Thread Theory: Want to be socially attractive? This little hack will change the way you interact so you never run out of things to say. (Hack #5)
  • Speed-Reading: Wish you could hone your intuition? Learn the science of speed-reading and be able to uncover personality traits of anyone from clients to dates to bosses. (Hack #7)
  • The Appreciation Matrix: We all know the power of acknowledgement, but how do we really use it? This science will blow your social mind. (Hack #8)
  • The Art of Storytelling: Always wish you could captivate a room? Tell a great story? There is a formula to the perfect story and it is easy to hack. (Hack #10)
  • The Science of Popularity: What really makes someone popular? How can you leverage what science has uncovered about popularity. (Hack #14)
  • The 7 Microexpressions: Learn how to decode the 7 universal facial expressions and how they can be used to predict people’s emotions. (Hack #6)

Citations:

  1. http://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.2307/3094912
  2. http://ucsdnews.ucsd.edu/pressrelease/facebook_feelings_are_contagious_study_shows
  3. https://digest.bps.org.uk/2012/10/22/share-news-of-your-positive-experiences-and-your-joy-will-be-multiplied

 

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