Have you ever been offered advice you didn’t want? Or had someone get upset at you when you felt like you did nothing wrong? Misunderstandings are a natural part of life. And we can often trace them to a discrepancy in intent and impact.
So, how can we navigate the challenges that arise when we mean well but cause harm? Or when someone else means well, but we get hurt?
In this article, we’ll dive deep into the communication concept of intent vs. impact and go over a reliable guide for how to have conversations to clean up related miscommunications.
What is Meant By Intent Versus Impact?
Intent is how you expect your communication to go, and impact is how the other person receives it.
When you intend to be positive, but it causes a negative emotion in the other person, you’re looking at a time when intent and impact aren’t lining up.
One classic example is unsolicited advice. The advice giver may intend to be helpful, but for many, receiving unwanted advice can feel frustrating.
Let’s explore a few more examples.
Examples of intent vs. impact
- In a team meeting, a manager intending to motivate her team emphasizes the importance of increased productivity and extra hours to meet the upcoming project deadline. However, the team members might perceive her well-intentioned message as a disregard for their work-life balance; the impact might be a reduction in morale, where the employees feel disrespected and pressured to work more than they want.
- A husband, trying to empathize with his stressed wife, might say, “Don’t worry, everything will be fine,” intending to comfort and assure her. However, his wife may perceive this as dismissing her feelings, and the unintended impact of his words is an emotional disconnect.
- A friend intending to provide helpful and constructive criticism about your career choice might say, “Are you sure about this job? It doesn’t seem like a good fit for you.” You may interpret this well-meant advice as a subtle dig and an expression of doubt in your abilities; the impact of the feedback is hurt and tension in the friendship.
- Consider a scenario in a grocery store where a person notices a fellow shopper with an undone shoelace. They might point it out, intending to be helpful. However, the other shopper may perceive this as an invasion of their personal space or feel embarrassed, and the impact is discomfort and awkwardness.
If you start to pay attention, misalignments of intent and impact occur constantly.
Learning to impact people as you intend is a vital communication skill. If you are interested in up-leveling the rest of your communication toolbelt, you might enjoy this course:
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A Conversational Guide for When You Intend Well, But Your Impact Is Negative
If someone opens up to you about how you impacted them negatively, here is an effective process for showing up in those conversations.
- Invite their feedback.
If you’d like your impact to match your positive intent, first, you need to know what your impact is! The best way to do this is to invite feedback. Create a culture in your relationships where others feel comfortable bringing things up with you.
Pick one relationship, and next time you are with that person, ask, “Is there anything I’ve done recently that caused you to feel annoyed, uncomfortable, or hurt? Even if it was a small thing?”
Assure your friend you want to know so that you can be a better friend. If they choose to open up and share, do your best not to become defensive. Listen empathetically to what they share, and affirm the other person’s feelings.
- Ensure that you’re both grounded enough to have this conversation
Sometimes, a friend will bring this conversation up to you without you inviting it in.
In either case, take a moment before diving into the conversation to notice how activated or triggered you feel, and have your friend do the same. If one of you has a lot of charge on the topic now, it could be best to wait until you can both come to the conversation from a more grounded place.
- Listen with empathy
If you both decide to proceed, listen with empathy.
This is the most important step. Don’t try to fix your friend’s problem, don’t invalidate their feelings, don’t become defensive.
Just give them space to share and try to understand and affirm their emotions.
Give them the rare experience of feeling accepted in their feelings.
And after they share, be sure to thank them. It takes courage to open up and be vulnerable! Help your friend know that their efforts are welcome.
- Reflectively listen
This step helps ensure you fully understand what your friend experienced and how you might impact others without realizing it. It can also help your friend feel heard.
After they finish sharing, see if you can say back to them what you heard.
It might sound something like: “Do you mind if I reflect on what I heard to ensure I got it all? … It sounds like putting my arm around your shoulder yesterday caused you to recoil into yourself. You weren’t comfortable receiving my touch then, but it all happened so fast that you didn’t get to say anything, making you feel disempowered. Did I get that right?”
If you did get everything, your friend will probably feel understood. And if you got it wrong or missed something, don’t worry! They will then tell you whatever you forgot.
- Take responsibility
Once you’ve understood your impact, the next step is to look for where you can take responsibility.
Look for where your negative impact was a result of your actions.
For example, you might say: “I acknowledge that I didn’t check with you before I put my arm around you. I can take responsibility for the fact that I initiated touch with you without checking in with you first or asking how you relate to receiving touch.”
- Check if they feel complete.
You might also get your turn to share, but before opening up about anything, make sure your friend feels they’ve said everything they need to.
You can ask the question: “Do you feel complete?”
If they say yes, go on to step 7.
- Share what your intentions were
Once your friend feels complete in their share, ask them if you can share your original intention.
If they haven’t cleared out everything they had to say, they will struggle to hear you here, and you may come off as defensive. But if they feel listened to, they’ll likely be able to hear your intentions and see your goodwill.
You can ask, “Do you mind if I share my original intention?”
And if they say yes, go ahead and share them!
- Learn and adapt
Your friend just gave you feedback, and you received it, hooray!
Feedback is one of the most valuable pieces of information you can ever receive if you hope to grow. Reflect on how your words or actions were misinterpreted, and think about how you might communicate differently in the future to ensure that your intent aligns better with the eventual impact.
A Conversational Guide for When Someone Causes You Negative Impact
Now, let’s assume you’re in the other boat. Your friend said something that caused you to wince. Should you share your “ouch” with them, and how?
Here are the steps for this side of the process.
- Explore your feelings on your own first
First, take the time to understand what came up for you. Journal, or talk it out with another friend or therapist.
Why did your friend’s action cause you harm? What feelings came up? What thoughts and beliefs were associated with those feelings?
The better you can understand your reaction, the better the communication with your friend will be.
- Discern how safe your friend feels to open up to
I’ve been on my journey of honesty for the past several years. I went through a span where I decided to share with the utmost transparency nearly every time I felt a negative impact from another person. This, undoubtedly, created a lot of relational messes.
I learned that it’s useful to discern when to open up.
Sharing your feelings and hurts can be incredibly vulnerable. And not everyone wants to (or is good at) holding vulnerability.
Before sharing with your friend what happened, take a moment and ask yourself:
On a scale of 1-10, how safe do I feel opening up to this person?
On a scale of 1-10, how confident am I that this person will try to hold space for my feelings?
If the answer is below a 7 for either question, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t share necessarily, but it means tread forward carefully.
For example, I have a good friend who is a therapist and whose heart feels as big as the open sky. So if I ever have tension with him, I feel very safe opening up.
But I also have an uncle who can sometimes rub me the wrong way but isn’t as practiced in emotional openness and listening. So, suppose I were to ever open up to my uncle about his impact on me. In that case, I might be careful and recognize that it could be an emotionally dysregulating experience.
- Clarify your intention with this conversation
One helpful metric in determining if this conversation is worth it is asking yourself why.
Why do you want to share your friend’s impact with them?
Some common reasons that might be worth acting on could be:
- You want to feel connected with them, and the event that happened is causing a block that has to be cleared
- You want to improve your relationship with them, and you want to reduce the emotional harm their actions are causing you
- You think the feedback would be helpful for them so they can better understand how they are affecting other people
- You want to feel empowered. You recognize that, in this instance, you’ll feel small and disempowered if you don’t say anything.
- You want to speak on behalf of a minority group that you are a part of (for example, if you are queer, you might feel inspired to correct someone who mispronounced you on behalf of your queer community)
- You want to create a culture of honesty and openness in this connection or in a community that this connection is a part of. You might feel called to model courageous honesty to set a precedent for this type of communication.
However, if you realize most of your motivation comes from a desire to hurt your friend or punish them, then it might be best not to share in this instance.
Regardless of your reasons, it’s up to you to make yourself vulnerable and share your impact.
- Give your friend a chance to opt into the conversation
These types of conversations are best had when you’ve both braced yourself for what you’re stepping into. You don’t necessarily need to put a time on the calendar for this conversation (though that is an option).
But if you want to increase your chances that your friend can effectively hold space for your share, rather than just blurting out on a walk, “When you said that earlier, it made me feel hurt and upset!” it could be better to say “Hey, something came up earlier in our connection that I want to talk about, would you be open to hearing me out?”
This simple question allows your friend to opt into the conversation and approach it more groundedly.
- Share with “I” statements
Once you’ve opened the space to share what happened, do your best to take responsibility for your feelings.
“I” statements are one useful communication tool to help you own your feelings and avoid blaming others for your emotional response. Here’s an example:
- Instead of: “When you made that joke, you made me feel furt.”
- Try: “When you made that joke, I felt hurt.”
While sharing, being specific about what happened can also be helpful. Try referring to the exact moment that something happened.
- If possible, verbally assume positive intent.
While taking ownership of your feelings, it can be helpful (though it’s not necessary) to verbally assume positive intent.
To do this, you might say, “When you made that joke, I noticed I felt hurt. I realize you were saying the joke just trying to have good-natured fun, though it brought up a memory of when someone teased me when I was younger.”
Good intent will make your share easier for the other person to hold space without becoming defensive.
But don’t fake this step. Only assume positive intent if you can naturally tap into it.
- Ask how it landed for them.
Once you’ve shared all that you need to share, and if you feel heard, you can check in with your friend. Don’t force this step if you don’t feel the capacity to hold space for them.
But if you do feel connected and resourced, you might say, “Thanks for hearing all that. I’m curious: how was that for you? Did anything come up while I was sharing?”
Recognize that once you ask this question, you are trading places. You are now putting yourself in the position of space holder for your friend, and it is now your job to listen with empathy.
- Request a behavior change.
Now that you’ve shared what you need to, you might want to set a boundary or ask for a change.
It might be, “In the future, would you mind avoiding telling jokes at my expense?”
Or it could be, “Next time you have an impulse to share touch with me, would you mind asking first?”
Feel free to ask for whatever will make you feel safe. And then negotiate with the other person until you find an agreement that meets your needs.
- Seek third-party support if needed.
If the issue persists, don’t hesitate to seek help from a trusted third party.
This could be a manager in a workplace setting, a mutual friend, or even a professional mediator or therapist.
Importance of Understanding Intent vs. Impact
Recognizing the difference between intent and impact is not merely an intellectual exercise; it’s a crucial component of effective communication and relationship building.
Knowing your impact helps make you a more positive force in the world
The more you can understand how you impact people, the more you can match your actual impact with your desired impact.
We can think of marketing as an easy analog.
Let’s say you have a website and decide to change the home page to a new design. You think the design looks colorful and fabulous and are sure others feel the same way. But when you AB test your new home page with your old one, most people find your new page’s colors too bright, so they leave your website sooner than before.
Receiving the data of the AB test is a gift because you can see that while you intended to make a cool page that people liked, the impact was that they felt uncomfortable and wanted to leave your website.
The same is true of all our interactions.
Knowing your impact on minority groups
One place this concept often plays out is with minority groups. If you are part of the majority for a given trait or demographic, it can be hard to understand your impact on a minority group.
One example of this is microaggressions, which are subtle, often unintentional acts or statements that express bias or discrimination towards marginalized groups.
For example, you might ask a colleague of Asian descent, “Where are you really from?” intending to show interest in their background and get to know them. You are trying to do something nice.
However, the impact of this question can be quite different. It could imply that the colleague is not truly from the country they reside in or identify with, making them feel like outsiders or perpetuating a sense of “otherness.”
While only some people of color would have this response, if you received feedback about this experience, the next time you are curious to ask a person of color about their country of origin, you might phrase your question differently to avoid stepping on the same landmine.
The goal isn’t to completely censor ourselves from ever offending anyone. It’s to increase our awareness of the potential disconnect between intent and impact so that we can all contribute to creating more inclusion. This might involve adjusting behaviors, challenging biases, or educating oneself about minority experiences.
The ability to share how another has impacted you creates more open and empowered relationships.
Openly sharing how someone else’s actions or words have impacted you can greatly contribute to developing more open and empowered relationships. This process requires vulnerability, as it involves honestly expressing your feelings and experiences, which may not always be comfortable. However, this vulnerability can significantly deepen mutual understanding and empathy in a relationship.
Remember to share positive impact, too!
Sharing the positive impact others have on you is just as important as sharing the negative impact. It’s still a part of AB testing to use the metaphor from above.
It could be, “When you cooked me breakfast, that meant a lot, and I felt special.” Or “I had a lot of fun on our date; I appreciate it when you plan adventures for us to go on.” Or even, “When you told me I did a good job on that last assignment, it was motivating.”
The more you appreciate others for their efforts and share positive feedback, the more they’ll take actions that benefit you. It’s a win-win.
Frequently Asked Questions About Intent Versus Impact
Intent versus impact refers to the difference between the intention behind our actions or words (what we mean to do or convey) and their actual effect on others (how they are received or perceived). It’s often discussed in communication, social dynamics, and conflict resolution.
Determining whether intent or impact is more important can be subjective and depends largely on the context. However, while our intentions are essential, it’s often the impact of our actions that most significantly affects our relationships and communication with others.
The difference between intent and impact lies in perspective and result: intent is what one hopes to achieve with an action or statement. In contrast, impact refers to the actual effect or outcome of that action or statement on others. These can align, but often, particularly in cases of miscommunication, they can diverge.
Understanding intent and impact is crucial as it influences our personal and professional relationships and communication. Knowing the potential gap between our intentions and their impact can help us navigate misunderstandings, resolve conflicts, and foster more compelling, empathetic, and honest communication. Knowing the impact of your words and actions can help you better attune to others to create a more positive impact.
Takeaways About Intent Versus Impact
Understanding intent versus impact is vital to creating healthy, connected communications. Remember, there is a chasm between your motivation for saying something and how it is received in the other person’s experience.
If you’d like to understand your impact on others better, remember these steps:
- Invite their feedback. Ask someone in your life if there’s some way you’ve negatively impacted them that they’d like to share.
- Ensure that you’re both grounded enough to have this conversation. Before going into the conversation, make sure neither of you are triggered.
- Listen with empathy. Hear them out and validate their emotions. Fight the urge to give advice or become defensive.
- Use reflective listening. Tell them what you heard them say.
- Take responsibility. Where appropriate, own your role in what happened.
- Check if they feel complete. Ask if they feel complete to make sure there’s nothing left unsaid.
- Share your intentions. If they’re open to hearing, share what your actual intentions were.
- Learn and adapt. Make this a learning opportunity for yourself.
If you are considering having a vulnerable conversation with someone to talk about how they’ve been impacting you, consider the following steps:
- Explore your feelings on your own first. Write a journal or talk with another friend to understand what came up for you.
- Discern how safe your friend feels to open up to. How confident do you think that they can hold space for you?
- Clarify your intention with this conversation. Ask yourself why you want to have this conversation.
- Give your friend a chance to opt into this conversation. Ask them if they’d be open to hearing what you say so you can both emotionally ready yourself.
- Use “I” statements. Take responsibility for your feelings and reactions. Avoid blaming.
- Verbally assume positive intent. If possible, assure the other person that you assume they meant well; this can disarm them from reacting defensively.
- Ask how it landed for your friend. If you can hold space, ask them how your share was for them to hear.
- Request a behavior change. If necessary, set a boundary or make a request.
- Seek third-party support if necessary. If the problem persists, find someone to help.
This post gave a boost to your communication knowledge. If you’d like to go even deeper into communication and emotional intelligence, you might enjoy this post.