5 Stages Of Love

Did you know research^{1 https://www.helenfisher.com/downloads/articles/10lustattraction.pdf} has identified several different stages of love? Not only have we found that there are distinct romantic phases, but they are also tied to different hormones!

Stage One: Attraction

In this stage, you experience lust and desire. It is dominated by the sex hormones testosterone^{2 https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK526128/#:~:text=Testosterone%20is%20the%20primary%20male,males%20and%20females%20are%20identical.} and estrogen^{3 https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK538260/#:~:text=Indications-,Estrogen%20is%20a%20steroid%20hormone%20associated%20with%20the%20female%20reproductive,estrone%2C%20estradiol%2C%20and%20estriol.} . Testosterone pumps in both the male and female body, pushing sex drive, attraction, and mating tendencies. 

Both men and women highlight their levels of testosterone and estrogen to show off their fertility and attract a mate.

You might not necessarily want to date or build a life together, but you are feeling sexual desire for the other person, and you can’t get enough of them. And sometimes, the lust can override your critical thinking. And there is an evolutionary basis for this–nature is pushing you to reproduce!

Stage Two: Romance

During the romance phase, couples are heady in love and overcome with their feelings. Typically, people can’t think of anything else—forgetting to eat and sleep. 

There are important neuro-transmitters that come into play during this stage.

• Dopamine^{4 https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK540977/#:~:text=First%20identified%20in%20the%201940s,cognitive%20function%2C%20and%20stress%20reactions.} –Is released in our rewards center of the brain and makes us feel like we are winning a prize when we are with our beloved.
• Norepinephrine^{4 https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK540977/#:~:text=First%20identified%20in%20the%201940s,cognitive%20function%2C%20and%20stress%20reactions.} –This is also called adrenalin and it causes us to literally feel our love by getting our heart pumping, making us blush and sweat around our new beau.

This stage usually occurs when we’ve expressed attraction to the other person, and they have reciprocated their feelings. 

In the first stage, we mostly feel sexual attraction, but in this stage, we start to feel an emotional connection. And we enjoy spending time together so much that we want to see each other non-stop.

This stage is often referred to as the honeymoon phase. But it’s also dangerous, in that you develop a distorted and idealized image of the other person instead of seeing them for who they are.

Want to spark instant chemistry? Watch our video below to learn the 20 best icebreakers for dating:

Stage Three: Disillusion

This is the stage where the honeymoon period wears off. Your rose-colored glasses have become clear, and all of a sudden, the person you are dating is no longer a goddess or god, but a normal human.

You start to see their flaws in a way you couldn’t quite see before. Why do they always show up a few minutes late to our dates? Why do they always chew with their mouth open? Why do they never talk about their feelings?

These challenges, which used to feel like no big deal, are starting to feel bigger. And this person isn’t endearing all the time anymore. Sometimes, they even get on your nerves. 

But don’t let this portrait bring you down. The disillusion period is actually a good thing. As your projections of the other person fade away, you start to see them for who they really are. And they see who you really are. 

As a result, the capacity for real intimacy opens up. You have the opportunity to really get to know and accept each other.

This stage is a crossroads in many relationships. 

It’s a time when many couples break up. Either because people mistakenly wanted their honeymoon version of their partner to last forever, or because they realized there was a red flag in the relationship and they simply have to break it off.

Stage Four: Attachment

First there was physical attraction, then emotional connection, then disillusionment, and next comes attachment. 

The attachment phase helps couples grow bonds and feel connected to each other. It is where people decide to depend on their partner. Two hormones come into play here:

• Oxytocin^{5 https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK507848/#:~:text=Oxytocin%20is%20an%20oligopeptide%20hormone,but%20created%20in%20the%20hypothalamus.} – This is also called the ‘cuddle hormone’ because it is released when we are touched, make eye contact, and feel connected to someone.
• Vasopressin^{6 https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK526069/#:~:text=Vasopressin%20or%20antidiuretic%20hormone%20(ADH,sodium%20homeostasis%2C%20and%20kidney%20functioning.} – This little chemical comes into play to help us feel long-term connection with someone and preceded commitment.

In this stage, we start to learn to trust the other person, navigate conflict together, and build something more lasting and sustainable.

Did you know that throughout these stages, you might unconsciously push your partner away because of your attachment patterns (based on childhood experiences)? If you want to learn more and figure out your attachment style, check out this quiz! 

Stage Five: Stable Love

After you’ve developed an attachment to your partner, you will eventually end up in the stable love stage. This is when you both feel a strong commitment to each other and have built an immense amount of trust.

This stage feels calm and settled. There won’t be the huge feelings of excitement and uncertainty found in the earlier stages.

This is the stage where you can depend on the other person as your life partner. For many couples, it can be hard to find physical intimacy in this stage, but there are plenty of strategies to spice up a relationship and keep your attraction alive.

Frequently Asked Questions About the 5 Stages of Love

Takeaways on the 5 Stages of Love

The 5 phases of love are:

• Attraction, marked by high levels of testosterone and estrogen. This is where you feel sexually drawn to someone.
• Romance, marked by high levels of dopamine and norepinephrine. This is where you have a crush on someone and want their attention and time.
• Disillusion, where your idealized perception of your partner wears off, and you see them for who they are.
• Attachment, marked by high levels of oxytocin and vasopressin. This is where you start to build a more stable connection with someone.
• Stable love, where you feel calm, committed, and trusting of each other.

If you’d like to keep learning, here’s an article that offers a complimentary perspective on the stages that a relationship goes through.