Table of Contents
- Rejection Tip #1: Torso Turn
- Rejection Tip #2: Shake Your Head No
- Rejection Tip #3: Blocking
- Rejection Tip #4: Say It Like You Mean It
- Rejection Tip #5: Cross Your Limbs
- Rejection Tip #6: Clench Your Fists
- Rejection Tip #7: Negative Microexpressions
- Rejection Tip #8: Ditch The Eye Contact
- Rejection Tip #9: Spread Your Legs
- Rejection Tip #10: The Cold Stare
- How to Friend-Zone Someone in 3 Steps
- Friend Zone Step #1: The Early Bird Catches The Worm⌠or Does It?
- Friend Zone Step #2: Prepare Your Words
- Friend Zone Step #3: Move On
- Bonus #2: How Do You Reject a Guy Over Text?
- #1: The Achieving Alice
- #2: The Uncertain Ursula
- #3: The Secret Sammie
- #4: The Break-Up Beatrice
- #5: The Honest Jane
- #6: The Shattered Shirley
- #7: The Friend-Zone Franny
- Why Does Rejection Hurt?
Imagine standing outside a popular bar on a Saturday night with a clipboard and pen. As each drunken patron stumbles out the door, you ask them:
âDid anyone hit on you?â
Thatâs exactly what 140 trained researchers from the University of Toronto did. They wanted to know how successful sexual advances are on the average night.
And they learned all about the Art of Rejection. Bottom Line:
Men have a really hard time noticing when someone is not interested.
Nope, not all that shocking. What is surprising is that most rejection comes from miscommunication and misunderstandings that happen during flirting.
So, if you want to avoid that awkward did-he-just-touch-my-butt moment, here are some subtle body language tips you can use in bars to thwart unwanted advances:
By the way, are you a natural at body language?

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Rejection Tip #1: Torso Turn
If you want to show someone you are not interested, the easiest thing you can do right away is turn your torso away from them. When weâre engaged with someone, we aim our torso toward them as a sign of respect. So if youâre not feeling it, an easy way you can show it is by aiming your torso away. This not only makes the distance between the two of you bigger, it also nonverbally says to them, âStep away.â
Rejection Tip #2: Shake Your Head No
If the torso turn doesnât work, the second thing you can try is shaking your head âno.â We shake our head from left to right when we donât want something. You can do this while youâre speaking, as a way to nonverbally emphasize or bold your verbal no. You can also nod negatively while theyâre speaking. So if they say, âHey, you want to dance?â or âIâd love to get your number,â you can start shaking your head no right away, and that already tells them, âAh, Iâve crossed a line.â
Rejection Tip #3: Blocking
Blocking is especially useful for close talkers:
- You can hold your drink in front of you so that they canât lean forward. The drink blocks them.
- You can also do this with your purse by holding it in front with both hands.
- A more subtle way of blocking is to layer upâzip up your jacket, wrap your scarf around, or add on new layers. This signals you are closing rather than opening up.
Blocking is a nonverbal sign of taking a step back, like saying, âI need more space!â And women, especially, get very uncomfortable when someone comes into their physical space.
Rejection Tip #4: Say It Like You Mean It
Sometimes when women are nervous, they use the question inflection. This inflection is when the voice goes up at the end of a sentence.
Instead of saying, âI donât want to dance!â they say, âI donât want to dance?â
The question inflection tells a man: Iâm not sure about that âno.â Men hear âmaybeâ and are more likely to keep pushing. If youâre going to say no, say it like you mean it and use the authoritative tone.
Rejection Tip #5: Cross Your Limbs
You want to tell them, âNo,â instead of, âGo!â and this means closing your body off-limits. An open body, with relaxed arms and legs, invites them closer, so I want you to think of a closed door versus an open one. Itâs much harder to get through a closed door because of the barriers–and thatâs exactly what you need to create:
- Cross your legs. Point your knees and toes away from them if youâre sitting. Make sure not to become unbalancedâyou want to stand on firm ground and show them you really mean it.
- Cross your arms. Create a barrier of no entry by closing your torso off.
- Stop gesturing. Hand gestures are a fantastic way to invite attention and look more expressive. When youâre trying to reject someone, you want the opposite. Keep your arms and hands close to your body and refrain from creating unwanted movement.
Rejection Tip #6: Clench Your Fists
In the world of body language, open palms signal 3 things:
- you have nothing to hide
- you are being honest
- youâre inviting the other person in
Turn that around, and youâve got closed palms. Clenching your fists when rejecting someone is a useful cue because youâre effectively showing them your primitive weapons.

Clenched fists can be an angry cue, show hostility, and signal closing off. Couple your crossed arms with clenched fists, and youâve effectively doubled your barrier to entry.
Rejection Tip #7: Negative Microexpressions
Some people have this one problem: they are too darn happy all the time.
- Got fired from the job? Happy as a bee.
- Neighbor yells at you for stepping on the grass? Happy x100.
- Creepy, smelly guy at the bar keeps flirting with you? Nothing but happy.
If you really want to reject someone, avoid the smile at all costs. The smile is a flattering way of inviting someone closerâitâs like youâre giving him the green light that you like his approach.
Couples who are attracted to each other will smile around each other, but if youâre trying to push someone away, you wouldnât be smiling, right? And if youâve already got the stone-face body language or resting bitch face going on, why not add in the pursed lip?
This is the stern motherâs way of saying, âDonât you dare take another step.â Add in other negative facial microexpressions like disgust, contempt, or anger for that extra oomph.
He gets it. You get it. Everyone gets it. Win-win!
Rejection Tip #8: Ditch The Eye Contact
Never underestimate the power of a sustained gaze in a relationship. In an oft-cited 1970 study, social psychologist Zick Rubin attempted to measure romantic love by tracking the eye contact of couples left in a room alone together. Couples who reported a stronger love connection when surveyed also held eye contact for longer periods of time than couples who reported feeling less in love.
When thereâs a dip in loving gazes, itâs worrisome, said Traci Brown, a body language expert and author of Persuasion Point: Body Language and Speech for Influence.
âEye contact takes some level of intimacy,â she said. âPeople look at things they like! If it diminishes, you know youâve got trouble.â
Rejection Tip #9: Spread Your Legs
Manspreading might seem like something only men do, but youâve gotta spread âem to claim your territory. It might not scream âsexy,â but spreading your legs is a way to claim territory and stop someone from encroaching on it.
If we do the opposite and bring our legs closer, making ourselves appear smaller, we actually look more like an easy target and much more approachable. Most women will bring their legs inward when they feel insecure or uncomfortableâespecially when theyâre trying to reject someone.
But ignore your instincts and go bold. When you point your toes outward and take a wide stance, you are showing youâre not someone to be messed with.
Rejection Tip #10: The Cold Stare
If youâve tried everything on this list so far, and nothing has workedâŚ
Sometimes youâve got to fight fire with fire. My red-button cue is the cold stare.
Furrow your eyebrows as if you just realized someone stole your favorite pair of pajamas, and remain in silence. Whatever you do, donât break eye contact first.
99% of the time, this works. Whoever wins this battle of cold, hard stares will be the victor. Your friends will be impressed. You will be, too. And most importantly, nobody will mess with you again because youâre a cold, ruthless rejecter.
Way to go!
How to Friend-Zone Someone in 3 Steps
Are you looking for a one-size-fits-all formula for friend-zoning someone? First of all, there is NO single formula that works for every situation. Rejecting is harsh. Feelings are hurt. Nobody likes it.
But there are some steps you can take to minimize hurting othersâ feelings. How do you reject someone nicely? Here are the 3 key steps to take:
Friend Zone Step #1: The Early Bird Catches The Worm⌠or Does It?
OK, you might feel like waiting and waiting might cue to them that youâre not interested. But in my experience, itâs best to friend-zone a guy quickly, before it becomes an ambiguous or toxic relationship. But thereâs a catch:
- Spot the signs of attraction. Usually, men will test the waters by showing one of the cues of male body language, such as tightening their muscles or taking up space. Women will also leak out female body language cues like showing a limp wrist or licking their lips. Knowing these signs can prepare yourself for when you DO have to friend-zone.
- The Consideration Phase. If they finally ask you out, donât wait too long to let them knowâyou can instantly reject someone if you want to. But if theyâre a dear friend, simply telling them, âNo,â might be a little too harsh. Instead, thank them, then give it some timeâa day or two for some, or even a few minutes of considerationâto let them know youâre being considerate.
Friend Zone Step #2: Prepare Your Words
Remember that phrase âSticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me?â Yeah, they got it all wrong! Words DO hurt. So choose them carefully. You may even be asking yourself, âWhat do I say to friend-zone a guy?â
Hereâs an example to step up your game. Imagine your guy friend comes up to you, and he nervously asks you out. You feel sorry for him, and you want to turn him down as lightly as possible. After youâve taken time to consider it (or not), hereâs how you can friend-zone him using one of the 3 Ss of Rejection:
- Simple. âNo, thank you.â Tell them, in simple terms, no. You donât even need to provide a reason.
- Subtle: âIâm really busy this week. And the next.â Subtlety is the art of misdirection. Avoid a straight answer by implying you have another obligation or commitment. Maybe youâre even committing to stay single⌠for the unforeseeable future.
- Straightforward. âHey, youâre really cool and all, but Iâm just not into you. Thereâs just not that âsparkâ between us that Iâm looking for, and itâs best to remain friends.â Be as honest as possible and explain to him your situation. Perhaps youâre not looking for a guy. Maybe heâs coming off too strong. Or maybe youâre simply not attracted to him and want to stay friends. Be straightforward and ditch the subtlety.
Special Tip: You CAN ghost someone⌠even if itâs not polite. I donât recommend ghosting your friends, or someone youâre going to see again. But if itâs a stranger, donât feel you owe them a response.
Friend Zone Step #3: Move On
I know, the after-rejection phase can be extremely awkward and even stressful. Hereâs how to survive the aftermath:
- Embrace the awkward. Sometimes it may be so awkward that you just want to bolt and run. But remain grounded.
- Give them time. Conjure up your sympathy here, because gathering up the courage to ask out someone is not easy. Theyâll likely feel hurt and take a confidence hit. But donât lead them on by giving them false hopeâstay firm and give them time to process.
- Consolidate. Where are your new terms? Are you friends? Coworkers? Classmates? Reaffirm that they are a âgood XYZ,â and you are happy to keep it that way.
Bonus #2: How Do You Reject a Guy Over Text?
OK, so for whatever reason, you canât show up in person. The next best option is a video call. And if you still canât have face-to-face contact⌠you CAN do text. And remember:
The next rejection texts are personal and NOT generic.
Here are some text ideas to get your brain juices flowing:
#1: The Achieving Alice
âHey, Iâm really sorry to say, but I need to focus 110% on my career right now. Iâve got so many deadlines, and I canât afford to spend my time doing anything else. Iâm afraid I wonât have enough time to commit to a relationship.â
#2: The Uncertain Ursula
âHey, youâre really amazing and all, but Iâm just not sure I want to be in a relationship right now. This time in my life has been really fuzzy and uncertain lately. I hope you can understand.â
#3: The Secret Sammie
âI like you and all, but I really like someone else. Heâs been on my mind SO much these days, and I really think heâs my soul mate. Iâm sure you can understand.â
#4: The Break-Up Beatrice
âMaybe you donât know, but I recently got out of a relationship. Things arenât easy for me now, and I donât want to dive into another relationship. I hope we can still be friends, though.â
#5: The Honest Jane
âThanks for asking me out, but I just donât feel a spark between us. Itâs not that youâre not attractive, but Iâm just not interested. I much prefer we keep our relationship as it is nowânothing more, nothing less!â
#6: The Shattered Shirley
âOh my gosh, I appreciate you asking me out. But I just feel so shattered in my life right now. Iâm just trying to rebuild my life from the ground up and donât want to complicate things. Iâm so broken and donât want to drag you into my life. I hope you can understand.â
#7: The Friend-Zone Franny
âYou know what? That took a lot of courage to ask me out. And I really appreciate that. But I think itâs best we stay friends. Our relationship is fun and amazing as we are now, and I donât want to make it a romantic one. Iâd really appreciate it if we could just stay friends!â
Why Does Rejection Hurt?
Have you ever faced a deep, dark pain whenever youâve been rejected? Rejection is hard, but did you know our recent Twitter survey found that 76% of people would rather break an arm than be broken up with?
Rejection is a science. Find out why it hurts in our master guide here.
Some Interesting facts from the study:
- 140 researchers were told to note every incident of aggression they saw out in the Toronto bar scene. 25% of the incidents they saw had some kind of aggression (groping, touching, blocking). And 90% of the acts were committed by men. (That means 10% of women can be sexually aggressive too!)
- You might think men are too drunk to know any better, but thatâs not what the research found! The researchers found that a manâs sexual advances did not match his level of intoxication. Instead, it matched the womanâs level of intoxicationâin other words, men hit on women who were drunk.
- Two-thirds of the aggression was physical, 17% threatened physical contact, and 9% verbally harassed their targets.
Side Note: As much as possible we tried to use academic research or expert opinion for this master body language guide. Occasionally, when we could not find research we include anecdotes that are helpful. As more research comes out on nonverbal behavior we will be sure to add it!
I’m a guy and I’ve studied the signs from women.
Women can’t read the signs either. Just this week I approached a women (I do this often), realized she has a boyfriend (who she was kissed in the middle of our chat) and then told her “nice talking with you, have a great day.”
I turned around and pushed my cart away.
Later, she reappraoches me and says “hey look, I know I have a boyfriend but we can hang out as friends. how about I grab your number?” Wow, she’s confident.
Anyway, I said “I’m alright, thanks though” and proceeded to give her negative body language.
She said “are you sure?” and i just told her I had a girlfriend. She walked away.
This has happened to me before. I approach many women at the bar respectfully and I keep approaching until I find a girl I like.
It seems like negative body language seems to make them want me more for some reason….
Hi Alex, very interesting perspective. Maybe this falls under the “playing hard to get” realm? We’ll definitely investigate this phenomenon further- not the first time we’ve heard this! -Danielle and the Science of People Team
Thank you Thank you Thank you!! not only was that a fun little segment but now I know what I’m doing wrong…I’m very guilty of the voice inflection and I automatically nod my head when people are talking to me, out of habit because i usually want people to tell me more. I’ll be more conscious to shake it “no” when I’m trying to discourage them.
Thanks for your comment, Colleen. Glad to hear you learned something about yourself from it! -Danielle and the Science of People Team