Passive-Aggressive Behavior: Everything You Need to Know

Passive-aggressive behavior is a coping style rooted in fear of conflict. Learn why people do it and the calm, direct responses research shows actually work.

In a Preply survey of more than 1,200 people, 99% said they’ve encountered passive-aggressive behavior in others, and 82% admitted¹ to acting passive-aggressively themselves.

Read that number again. More than eight in ten of us have done the silent-treatment thing, the “fine” text, the suspiciously slow reply. So if this is you, you’re in very good (and very large) company. Let’s get to the bottom of why it happens and what to actually do about it, in yourself and in everyone else.

What Is Passive-Aggressive Behavior?

Passive-aggressiveness is when someone buries a negative feeling, usually anger or hurt, and then acts it out the back way. A few of the classic moves:

• Procrastinating on purpose
• The silent treatment
• Sarcasm and backhanded compliments
• Quietly making someone’s job harder

The giveaway is a gap between what the person says and what they do. Their mouth says “no problem.” Everything else says otherwise.

Here’s the thing: everyone slips into it sometimes, even smooth communicators. You feel hurt, you don’t clear the air, and that tiny wrinkle quietly rots into resentment. Once resentment sets in, the snark turns almost automatic. Suddenly their jokes aren’t funny and eye contact feels like a chore.

Is passive-aggression a mental illness?

This one gets garbled online a lot. Passive-aggression is a communication pattern and a coping style, a quiet defense mechanism that lets someone channel anger covertly instead of saying it out loud². It isn’t a current psychiatric diagnosis, though.

“Passive-aggressive personality disorder” used to live in the manual psychiatrists diagnose from. Then it got demoted to an appendix in 1994, and dropped from the DSM-5 entirely in 2013. The category kept blurring into depression and other personality disorders, and its criteria had weak support, so it lost its standing as a distinct disorder³.

That doesn’t make the behavior imaginary. It just means you’re looking at a pattern of relating. So the useful question is what’s driving it and how to respond.

Why some of us do it more than others

We’re all occasionally passive-aggressive, but some of us lean on it way more. And usually it’s not a conscious choice, more like a habit your nervous system reaches for before your brain catches up. It tends to grow from one of these roots:

• Lashing out from feeling hurt. The unconscious impulse of “you hurt me, so I’ll get you back.”
• A skill deficit. “I feel upset, but I never learned how to say so, so I won’t.” Many people simply never picked up direct, vulnerable communication, and the good news is that assertiveness is a learnable, evidence-based skill⁴, so indirect resistance doesn’t have to stay the best tool you have.
• Being out of touch with the feeling. If someone hasn’t spent much time getting to know their emotions, they may genuinely not register anger or hurt as it happens. The feeling still steers their actions; they just don’t notice.
• A deep fear of conflict. Someone terrified of confrontation will go to great lengths⁵ to avoid openly naming needs, wants and frustrations. This is the root that ties the others together.

One honest caveat: you’ll often see passive-aggression sorted into a tidy four-styles model (passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive, assertive). It’s a handy teaching shorthand from 1970s communication training and worth knowing, but it was never validated as a real scientific taxonomy. Treat it as a rough map and nothing more.

Examples of Passive-Aggressive Behavior

Here are some classic moves across a few different settings. Fair warning: you might spot a few you’ve pulled yourself. That’s okay. Recognizing them is step one.

Passive-aggressive behavior at work

• Procrastinating on a project rather than expressing dissatisfaction with management or deadline expectations.
• Gossiping about coworkers behind their backs rather than confronting them with feedback or frustration.
• Withholding assistance or information to make someone’s job harder.
• Ignoring someone when they enter a room because you feel angry with them.
• Undermining someone’s accomplishments by rolling your eyes or sharing snide comments about them.
• Being overly critical of someone’s work by seeking out flaws and errors when you are actually frustrated with them about something else.
• Talking over a colleague at a meeting or neglecting their ideas as a way to express your anger and put them down.

Passive-aggressive emails to receive at work

These are the five most passive-aggressive things to write in a work email, according to this survey of 1,200 people¹. You could use these exact phrases with healthy, open communication, but they are also easy places to smuggle in passive aggression.

• “As you are, no doubt, aware…” instead of sharing annoyance that they weren’t aware of something.
• “For future reference” instead of sharing the impact of someone doing something incorrectly.
• “Friendly reminder” using fake kindness instead of openly sharing any frustration behind the “friendliness.”
• “CC’ing [my boss] for visibility” as a way of tattling on an employee because you are frustrated with their performance.
• “Per my last email,” instead of openly sharing that they didn’t acknowledge something from your last communication.

Passive-aggressive behavior with a partner

• Insulting your partner and then immediately claiming you were kidding instead of admitting that you felt upset and took it out through an insult.
• Withholding love or sex as a way of punishing your partner instead of sharing what you are upset about.
• Breaking boundaries or commitments as a way of lashing out at your partner.
• Ganging up on your partner when in a group of people as a way to bring their self-esteem down.
• Blaming your partner for relationship dissatisfactions instead of taking responsibility for your part.

Passive-aggressive behavior with a friend

• Showing up late as a way of “punishing” your friend.
• Making it difficult to make plans or canceling at the last minute as a way of subtly expressing your anger.
• Responding to their texts really slowly to “teach them a lesson.”
• Using sarcasm to mask your anger and making pointed jokes that actually cross a line.
• Backhanded compliments are where you pretend to compliment them while taking out your bitterness.
• Expressing doubt when they share their goals as a way to act out your aggravation and bring them down

Passive-aggressive texts

Here is a list of the most common text phrases perceived as passive-aggressive¹. In all these phrases, the texter is experiencing a lot of emotion but sharing none of it and hiding behind a terse response.

• “Nevermind”
• “???”
• “Fine”
• “Sure”

Be honest, you can picture sending one of these. Or staring at one and feeling your stomach drop. Maybe something like:

If you’d like the clearest examples of passive-aggressive communication, flip on any drama-based reality TV show and grab your popcorn.

How Passive-Aggressive Behavior Is Harming You and Your Relationships

Assuming you’re one of the 99% of people¹ who have been on the receiving end, you already know how corrosive it feels. It works like slow rust, quietly eating away at the metal. Here’s where the damage piles up.

• It erodes your relationships and friendships. Passive-aggression points to an unmet need. If you never voice it openly, you’ll likely never get it met, and the connection can quietly crumble around the silence.
• It can hurt your career. The behavior is unpleasant to be around, so colleagues may avoid working with you or stop recommending you for opportunities.
• It fuels depression when aimed inward. Passive-aggression often shows up in a self-directed form too, like procrastinating on projects you care about, refusing to rest or never asking for what you want. In two studies, people with depression reported noticeably more of this self-directed passive-aggression⁶ than people without it. The studies are cross-sectional, so the relationship runs both ways and isn’t proven causal.

If you’d like to channel that energy into something forward-moving, our guide on SMART goals is a good next step.

Where Passive-Aggression Comes From

So if everyone agrees the behavior is unpleasant, why on earth is it everywhere? The roots cluster into a few patterns, and most of us are carrying more than one. See if any feel familiar.

• Suppressed, bottled-up anger. At the core, passive-aggression is anger with nowhere safe to go. When hurt or frustration gets pushed down rather than felt and named, it leaks out sideways as sarcasm, foot-dragging or the silent treatment. In one validation study, passive-aggressive tendencies tracked with bottled-up “anger-in” and with weaker control over anger⁷.
• A genuine skill gap. Clear, vulnerable communication is hard, and plenty of people were never taught it. Encouragingly, assertiveness training has real evidence behind it⁴, so this gap can close with practice.
• Fear of conflict. As marriage and family therapist Andrea Brandt⁸ puts it, “Passive aggression is a symptom of the fear of conflict.” The behavior may feel like a fight to you, yet a fight is exactly what the other person is trying to dodge.
• What you grew up around. If your caregivers communicated mainly through sulking, hints and the cold shoulder, you likely absorbed those habits as normal. We tend to inherit the conflict style we were raised inside, until we consciously choose a different one.
• The setting you’re in. You might be perfectly direct in some areas of life and clam up in others. If a workplace punishes openness or a family runs exclusively on passive aggression, your style bends to match the room.

How to Identify Passive-Aggressive Behavior

These cues help you catch passive-aggression in yourself, and you can read them in other people too. One honest caveat about other people, though: unless they flat-out admit it, you can’t be 100% sure whether they’re being passive-aggressive or you’re reading tea leaves. So hold your conclusions loosely.

• Acting exclusionary. Failing to acknowledge someone, avoiding their eyes or quietly leaving them off invites is an avoidant way to express upset.
• Denying clear anger. This is the hallmark. Asked if they’re upset, the person smiles and insists everything’s fine while their body says otherwise. When that mismatch is used to make you doubt your own read, it shades into gaslighting.
• Fake niceness. Acting sweet on the outside while wanting to throw an egg on the inside can tip into passive-aggression or toxic positivity.
• Quiet schadenfreude. Secretly hoping someone stumbles, or watching them walk into an error and saying nothing, often points to a resentment you haven’t voiced.
• Being pointedly unhelpful. Washing only your own dishes or buying groceries for everyone but one person. When the natural impulse to help goes missing, something’s usually brewing underneath.
• Teaching a lesson. Going cold or leaving messages on read so the other person “learns” something is revenge wearing a quiet costume.
• Patronizing. Looking helpful while feeling superior or “holier than thou.”

Pro Tip: Body language leaks true intentions. With someone you suspect is upset with you, watch their feet. If they point toward the exit, part of them wants out of the conversation. Learn more about reading body language.

Take a passive-aggression test

For a quick gut-check, there’s an informal online passive-aggression test⁹ you can try. It’s for self-reflection only and won’t give you a clinical diagnosis.

What To Do When You Notice Passive-Aggressive Behavior In Yourself

Spotting it in yourself is the brave part, and honestly most people never get there. So if you’re here, you’re already ahead. Here’s how to work with it once you notice.

Track your triggers honestly

Self-monitoring is a standard tool in therapy for a reason. When you map the chain (trigger → thought → feeling → action) you finally get enough awareness to interrupt the pattern mid-flight. The clearer you see when and where it fires, the more power you have to change it.

Action Step: List the most important people in your life and score how close you feel to each one from one to five. For anyone you rated low, ask whether something recently left you hurt or resentful that you never voiced, and whether you acted on it sideways. No shame if you did. We all do it sometimes.

Name the precise emotion

Vague discomfort is easy to act out and hard to address. Naming exactly what you feel, whether it’s anger, hurt, embarrassment or fear, is the move that gives you something workable. If anger feels scary or foreign, you may look away or push it down, which is exactly how anger leaks out as passive-aggression instead. Getting to know your anger defuses a lot of it.

Action Step: Set a timer for one minute and let your anger surface in a private space. Twist a towel, clench your fists or pound a pillow. You don’t need to hit a 10, just feel it. Then journal for three minutes on the stem “I feel angry because…” over and over. Whatever surfaces tells you which conversations might be worth having.

Resolve a personal conflict by sharing vulnerably

Most of us go passive-aggressive precisely because we’re trying to dodge a fight. The cruel irony? It makes the whole thing worse.

If you’re game, try approaching a partner or friend you feel resentful toward and speaking honestly about what’s going on inside you, without pinning any blame on them.

Action Step: Pick one person in your life who you feel some resentment towards and send them a message of the flavor of: “Hi friend! I was reflecting recently and realized that there’s something in our relationship that I’ve been holding onto and that I want to let go of. I think talking about it together would help me feel closer to you. Let me know if you’re up for it.”

If you do choose to have this conversation, keep these tips in mind:

• The purpose of this conversation is to feel more connected with the other person.
• Your feelings are your responsibility. Try to avoid saying things like, “You made me feel.”
• The more vulnerable you can be, the more you’ll be able to let go of bitter feelings and the more connected you’ll feel to your friend.
• Try to have this conversation when you’re both in a good or calm mood.

The communication can be as simple as “When X, I felt Y. I need Z.”

For example: “When you didn’t want to meet up with me a few weeks ago, I felt hurt. I need to know you still care about our friendship.”

To make it more palatable, you could add something like: “I am not blaming my feelings on you; I just wanted you to know what came up for me because I felt like it was getting in the way of me feeling as close with you as I normally do.”

Communicate more directly at work with this formula

It’s maddening when someone drops the ball at work. But bottling up that irritation? Not the move.

Next time you catch yourself fuming about a colleague’s performance, before you rage-CC the boss, try this formula¹⁰ adapted from executive coach Melody Wilding. Start with low-stakes moments and work up to the scary ones. Direct communication is a muscle, and it builds with reps.

Communication formula

1. Describe factually what happened. “You didn’t send me the report by our agreed date.”
2. Share how the behavior impacted you logistically and emotionally. “I felt disappointed and anxious because I had to attend the client meeting unprepared.”
3. Share any broader effects of the behavior. “Now, the client might view us as disorganized, and we could lose money on the account.”
4. State what you need. “In the future will you be able to send me all client files 24 hours before client meetings?”
5. Give reassurance and empathy. “I know you had a stressful week. And know that I make mistakes like this too. So I want to assure you I’d love to find a way forward together where we can get the client what they need in time.”

This type of direct communication might not work every time. But, in this situation, the chances of you getting those documents on time next week are a lot less likely if the only action you take is ignoring your colleague in the break room.

What To Do When Someone Else Is Acting Passive-Aggressively

Partner, friend or colleague, navigating someone else’s passive-aggressive behavior is genuinely tricky. You’re basically trying to answer a question they refuse to ask out loud. The good news? Communication research points to one approach that keeps working.

Lead with calm, assertive language

When researchers compared passive, aggressive and assertive ways of handling a conflict, the assertive approach came out ahead: assertive statements that own your own view and still name the other person were rated the most likely to actually resolve the issue and keep the relationship intact, while aggressive statements were the least likely¹¹. The whole point of assertive phrasing is that it stays open instead of triggering defensiveness.

In practice that sounds like: “My sense is that you’re frustrated about the deadline change. I’d like to understand what’s making this hard.” You’re naming what you notice without accusing, which gives the other person room to step out from behind the snark.

Don’t take the bait

On some level, passive-aggressive behavior is fishing for a reaction. Get upset or defensive, and you’ve taken the hook. And you can’t de-escalate anyone while you’re spun up yourself, so settle your own nervous system first and let the snark float on by.

Action Tip: The next time someone says something you think might be passive-aggressive, make your first move a slow breath. Gather yourself, then respond.

Keep it specific and behavioral

When you do name the issue, describe the action and its impact instead of slapping on a label. “You’re always passive-aggressive” puts anyone on the defensive in about half a second. “The report wasn’t sent by the date we agreed, and that left me scrambling before the client call” hands them something concrete to actually respond to.

Action Step: Next time something rubs you wrong, name one specific behavior and one specific effect, then stop and listen.

Confirm agreements in writing

Ambiguity is rocket fuel for passive-aggressive resistance, so close every loop clearly. After a verbal agreement, fire off a short recap so there’s zero room for the classic “oh, I didn’t realize that’s what we said.”

Action Step: Follow up with a quick note: “To recap, you’ll handle the deck by Tuesday and I’ll send the data Thursday.”

Empathize, then get on the same team

If a difficult work colleague keeps needling you, your strongest move is to look past the delivery and mine the actual message. Approach from a calm, level head, figure out what they’re really trying to say, then join them rather than fight them. One leadership expert writing in Harvard Business Review⁵ suggests opening with something like, “You made a good point the other day. Here’s what I heard you saying…” The idea is that by joining them, you have a better chance of turning the energy around.

You usually don’t need to confront the snarky tone at all. Most of the time the person just wants to feel heard, and rewarding the useful part of what they said beats feeding the friction every time.

Lead With Vulnerability When It’s Your Partner

Picture your partner tossing out a biting little joke that stings. You can feel the edge behind it. But when you ask, they go “relax, it was just a joke.” Was it, though? What do you do?

Action Plan: First, pick a time to open up to your partner.

Then once you’re in the conversation, you can use the same structure above:

“When X, I felt Y. I need Z.”

In the hurtful joke example, you could say:

“When you made that joke, I felt hurt and insecure. I need to know that you support me, and if you are angry, you’ll tell me.”

Make sure you do not accuse them¹² of being passive-aggressive because doing so could put them on the defense and have them dig their heels further into the ground.

If you ultimately love and trust your partner, leading with your vulnerability is your best bet.

Invite open communication from a friend

If you notice a friend or partner seems a little more distant than usual, and you aren’t holding back any open communication from them, then they may be sitting on a resentment that they’ve been too afraid to share.

Action Step: If you sense this could be the case, then share this open communication with them:

“Hey, friend! I’ve noticed I’ve been feeling a little distant from you recently, and I’d like to feel closer. I was wondering if something I did or said recently caused you to feel hurt, upset or angry with me?”

If your friend is courageous enough to share something with you, ensure you don’t respond defensively! Just try to hear what they are saying with empathy.

Appreciate them when they do communicate openly

One of the laws of connection is that what you appreciate grows.

Action Step: The next time a passive-aggressive person in your life does express their anger or hurt in a clear, direct and open way, tell them you appreciate how they shared it with you.

This will encourage them to communicate this way more often!

Set clear boundaries

If open communication doesn’t work, you can still draw a line.

Say someone is doing or saying something that causes you to feel hurt or uncomfortable, but they deny having malintent. They claim they weren’t being passive-aggressive, but it was actually you who was being too sensitive.

Whether what they say is true or false has nothing to do with your ability and agency to set a boundary.

If someone else’s behavior continues to hurt you, you have the right to set a boundary, regardless of their intent.

Action Step: If someone in your life seems to act passive-aggressively towards you in a way that hurts, ask them to stop.

For example, if a friend or partner tells sarcastic jokes that tend to sting, just let them know. It could be as simple as:

“I know you said you don’t have any mean intent behind your jokes, but I notice every time you crack a joke about my creativity, I feel insecure. I’m okay with certain types of jokes, but I wonder if you’d be okay not to joke about that part of my life?”

When you make a sincere request for change like this, most people will comply.

Watch our video below to learn the 7 types of toxic people:

Bonus: How to Deal With Passive-Aggressive Emails

Oh yes, passive-aggression lives in your inbox too. Author Erica Dhawan’s book, Digital Body Language: How to Build Trust and Connection, No Matter the Distance, digs into the buried feelings behind a lot of everyday phrases.

Here’s our (only slightly cheeky) translation of common workplace email-speak:

Common Phrases	Passive-Aggressive Feelings Behind Phrases
1. I just wanted to follow up on…	It’s been ages and you still haven’t responded.
2. Just to clarify…	You’re not making sense, let me spell it out for you.
3. Just a heads up…	I’m warning you now so that I can say “I told you so” later.
4. Let me loop in…	You’re not handling this, so I’m bringing in someone else.
5. Moving forward…	This has gone wrong enough times, let’s change the approach.
6. As we previously discussed	I know we talked about this already, but you clearly didn’t get the message.
7. As a gentle reminder	This is the nth time I’m asking you about this. Get it done already.
8. Can we touch base on this?	You’re not focusing on this and I need you to give it more attention.
9. It’s not a big deal, but…	It actually is a big deal and I’m annoyed that you haven’t addressed it.
10. As per my understanding	You’re clearly wrong, and here’s why.
11. Let’s circle back to this	I don’t have time to deal with this nonsense right now.
12. Not sure if my last email was received	You didn’t reply, and it’s driving me crazy.

Frequently Asked Questions About Passive-Aggressive Behavior

Is passive-aggressive behavior a mental illness?

No. Passive-aggression is a communication pattern and coping style rather than a clinical diagnosis. “Passive-aggressive personality disorder” appeared in earlier editions of the DSM but was removed from the DSM-5 in 2013 because it overlapped heavily with depression and other personality disorders and had weak diagnostic validity. The behavior is still real and worth addressing; it just isn’t a standalone disorder.

What causes passive-aggressive behavior?

The biggest driver is fear of conflict, usually paired with bottled-up anger and a lack of practice in direct communication. Someone feels hurt or frustrated but doesn’t feel able to say so openly, so the feeling leaks out indirectly. Habits learned in childhood and environments that discourage honesty add to it.

How do you outsmart a passive-aggressive person?

It’s best not to try to outsmart someone acting passive-aggressively; doing so will only create more conflict and bitterness. The best thing you can do is lead by example in creating open communication; if that’s not possible, set clear boundaries.

Do passive-aggressive people know what they are doing?

Some passive-aggressive people have no idea they’re acting that way. Either they aren’t aware of the hurt, anger and resentment they are acting from, or they don’t know how to communicate more clearly. Some passive-aggressive people are aware of what they are doing; in these cases, their behavior is a form of manipulation or gaslighting.

What do passive-aggressive people want?

Passive-aggressive people usually want to be heard. An underlying hurt or frustration is usually motivating their behavior, and they want someone to acknowledge their pain. They just aren’t using the most effective tools to achieve their goal.

What is the root cause of passive-aggressive behavior?

When people are passive-aggressive, the underlying cause is often one of the following: a lack of ability to communicate directly, a fear of confrontation, learning passive-aggression habits in their upbringing, not feeling connected to their feelings, a fear of vulnerability or an unshared resentment in the relationship.

How do you respond to a passive-aggressive coworker?

When a coworker is passive-aggressive, it’s best not to take the bait and react irritably. Instead, take a calming breath, and try to understand the feedback they were trying to give you. It can be helpful to get on the same team as them and appreciate when they communicate directly.

Why are coworkers passive-aggressive?

One reason coworkers are often passive-aggressive is that many workplace cultures don’t encourage open communication about feelings. As a result, when an employee feels vulnerable emotions like hurt or anger, there aren’t cultural norms for them to express their feelings through, so they end up bottling their feelings up, and then those feelings fizz out anyways through passive-aggressive behavior.

What is an example of a passive-aggressive question?

Some passive-aggressive questions might be: “Are you really going to wear that shirt?” or “Why do you always have to be right?” or “Are you sure you want to eat that? It doesn’t seem like the healthiest choice,” or “Are you always this messy?” These questions all have strong implications hidden within them.

How to Deal With Passive-Aggressive Behavior in Yourself and Others

We all act passive-aggressively sometimes, so go easy on yourself. The goal isn’t to become a saint who never feels a flash of resentment. It’s to feel it, name it and say it out loud before it leaks out sideways. If you catch yourself slipping, remember to

• Get honest with yourself, and reflect on the relationships and moments where you’ve acted passive-aggressively recently.
• Find and express your anger to help you understand where you have anger towards others that you haven’t felt yet.
• Resolve a conflict with someone by sharing vulnerability about your hurt, resentment or anger. “When X, I felt Y. I need Z.”
• If you feel tempted to act passive-aggressively at work, instead, remember to
  • Clearly state the behavior you’re upset about,
  • Share how that behavior impacted you and the company,
  • State what you need going forward, and
  • Give empathy and reassurance

And if you are struggling with other people’s passive-aggressive behavior in your life, remember to

• Avoid taking the bait. Take a deep breath instead of emotionally reacting.
• Call out an inappropriate comment right at the moment.
• Open up to a passive-aggressive partner about how their behavior is hurting you.
• Ask a friend if they have any anger, hurt or resentment they’ve been holding onto towards you.
• Empathize with your snarky work colleague and find the heart of their communication.
• Appreciate people when they do communicate openly and clearly.
• Set clear boundaries.

If you’d like to learn more about clear communication, check out this article.

References