Relationship Anxiety: 21 Signs and How to Cope

You’re having trouble getting to sleep. Again. Your mind is racing around the conversation you and your partner had earlier today. Did you say the wrong thing? Why didn’t they kiss you afterward? Do they want to break up?

If you experience relationship anxiety, this might be a familiar situation. You crave connection and security and constantly worry that your partner will lose interest or leave you. 

Relationship anxiety is something many of us deal with. In this article, we’ll go over the signs of relationship anxiety, its underlying causes, and potential ways to navigate toward a more secure relationship experience.

What is Relationship Anxiety?

Relationship anxiety refers to feelings of worry, insecurity, and nervousness that can occur in a romantic relationship. Of people who experience anxiety in their relationship, 66% say the top source of anxiety is the potential ending of the relationship, according to this survey by ThriveWorks^{1https://thriveworks.com/blog/research-widespread-relationship-anxiety/}.

Anxiety often arises from fears of rejection, abandonment, or not being good enough for a partner. They can be triggered by past relationship experiences or even early childhood attachment patterns. People with relationship anxiety might constantly question their partner’s feelings towards them or overanalyze their interactions, causing stress and strain on the relationship.

While relationship anxiety typically appears in romantic partnerships, it could also occur with friends, collaborators, or any other relationship that has some level of intimacy.

Relationship anxiety can lead to the following:

• More stress. Relationship anxiety can lead to chronic stress, negatively affecting mental and physical health. It can contribute to sleep disturbances, lower immune function, and a higher risk for depression and anxiety disorders.
• Low self-esteem. Feeling constantly uncertain about your relationship can erode your confidence and cause you to continually question your worth.
• Isolation. You might feel anxious and not know where to turn. Further, you could forgo more and more of your connections to try to prove yourself to your partner and win them over. But this ultimately leads to social unwellness.
• Self-sabotage. This is when you unconsciously take actions to threaten the relationship as a way of acting out your frustration or testing if your partner cares. You might feel upset, push your partner away, and insist there’s nothing wrong, or you may pick fights with them or flirt with a server in front of your partner.

Lessening your anxiety is a worthwhile goal. If you’d like to learn how to use goal-setting to help your personal growth in others, check out this free goodie.

21 Signs and Symptoms of Relationship Anxiety

1. Fear of abandonment

This is an overwhelming worry that the other person might leave you. 

For example, if your partner is late home from work, you might immediately worry that they’re not coming home and have moved on from you.

2. Feeling suspicious that your partner is cheating on you

This involves suspecting your partner of infidelity without concrete proof. 

For instance, you might feel anxious and suspicious when your partner talks to someone of their preferred gender. Or you might assume that there’s an ulterior motive behind their work trips.

3. Inability to trust your partner

This is when you consistently struggle to believe your partner’s words, even when they’ve given no reason to doubt them. If your partner says they’re just friends with someone, you might not believe them, despite a lack of evidence of anything more. This might also manifest in struggling to trust your partner when they say they care about you.

4. Fretting about the future of the relationship

This is the constant anxiety about where the relationship is heading. For example, you might consistently worry if your partner will lose interest in you or if you are good enough for them long-term. 

Or you might fixate on a minor difference and assume it will doom the relationship. For example, you might contemplate that their favorite 90’s punk band is Blink-182 and yours is Greenday; maybe that may portend a deeper relationship incompatibility.

5. Jealousy and possessiveness

This can manifest as wanting to control your partner’s actions to prevent perceived threats to the relationship. Time with them feels invaluable, and it seems like you can never have enough of it to reassure you fully.

So when they take a weekend trip with a friend, you might feel intensely jealous and yearn to be there.

6. Doubting that they love you

This is the underlying belief that your partner doesn’t love you or care about you. Or, in a more extreme form, the feeling that they don’t like you.

No matter how much they reassure you and express their love to you, there’s some niggling thought-worm in your imagination that can’t believe them.

7. Not speaking up about boundaries and preferences

In the hopes of winning their approval and keeping them around, you might withhold and sacrifice things important to you in the relationship. You might fear that if you speak up, you could come across as demanding and potentially drive your partner away. And so you endure and tolerate.

For example, if you prefer that your living space be kept tidy, you might hold your tongue every time they frisbee their empty, greasy, cardboard pizza box in the general direction of the trashcan.

This could also manifest sexually, where you don’t share any discomforts or boundaries you have in your physical connection because you want to please them.

8. Fear that they’ll become angry or upset at you

This might involve constantly walking on eggshells to avoid potential conflict or upset. The thing you want most is their approval and validation. And their anger is terrifying because it can feel like quite the opposite of that.

As a result, you might refrain from sharing your opinion on something to avoid a potential disagreement. Or you might guess what would annoy them and then attempt to contort yourself to avoid doing that thing.

9. Doubting compatibility with each other

This is when you constantly question whether you and your partner are compatible or worry about an imminent breakup.

For example, if you and your partner have a minor disagreement about when to get to the restaurant, you might immediately wonder if this is a sign that you’re not meant to be together.

10. Wondering if you’ll break up at any moment

This is an intense, persistent fear that your partner might end the relationship without warning. 

For example, if one day they are quieter than usual in their morning routine, you might assume this means they’re about to break up with you.

As a result, you can never feel safe, and your nervous system might spike into red alert at any moment.

11. Taking deeper meaning from innocuous actions

This could involve overinterpreting or misinterpreting your partner’s words or behaviors in a negative light.

For instance, if your partner doesn’t respond to your text as quickly as usual, you might assume it’s because they’re losing interest rather than considering more benign possibilities like they’re busy.

This becomes especially challenging when you don’t check your assumptions with your partner. Then you start to compile false evidence to construct a distorted reality of how your partner perceives you and the relationship.

12. Need for constant reassurance

You frequently seek reassurance from your partner about their feelings for you or the security of your relationship. 

For instance, you might frequently ask your partner if they still love you or are happy in the relationship, even if they’ve given no indication of dissatisfaction.

Some amount of reassurance is needed in every connection. But this can breach into anxious-relationship territory when no matter how much reassurance you get, you simply can’t let go of your worries.

13. High sensitivity to change 

In the same way, we might scan a dangerous environment for minor changes to alert us to possible threats. You might keenly see your partner’s every move to look out for relational shifts. Even minor changes in your partner’s behavior or regimen can trigger anxiety and unease. 

A slight alteration in your partner’s daily routine, like coming home late from work without an apparent reason, might make you feel insecure and worried about your relationship status.

14. Difficulty enjoying the present

You may find it challenging to live in the moment, constantly worrying about what’s next in your relationship. 

You could be at a romantic dinner with your partner, which they put great effort into putting together, but instead of savoring the moment, you’re fretting over whether they’ll still be with you in a year.

15. Overthinking interactions

You spend a lot of time overanalyzing your partner’s words and actions, looking for hidden meanings. If your partner says something as simple as “I’m tired,” you might spend hours wondering if it’s a hidden sign that they’re dissatisfied with the relationship. 

You might shake their words back and forth in your head. Why are they tired? Is it because of me? Did they mean physically tired or emotionally tired? Are they tired of our relationship?

16. Fear of confrontation

This is when you avoid discussions or arguments at all costs, even when necessary for healthy communication. ​​You might let issues or misunderstandings pile up instead of addressing them directly because you fear any argument could lead to a breakup.

17. Constant self-doubt

This is when you question your worthiness in the relationship, feeling like you’re not good enough for your partner. You may constantly worry that you’re not attractive, intelligent, or funny enough for your partner, even if they’ve given you no reason to feel this way.

18. Overly dependent on partner

Relying too heavily on your partner for happiness and fulfillment can signify relationship anxiety. 

For instance, you might feel incapable of enjoying a movie, a meal, or a social outing without your partner by your side.

Or your mood might be too dependent on your partner’s experience. You might feel like you’re riding on a cloud when they tell you that last night was one to remember. But if they say they feel annoyed with you, it might spike you into a funk for the next few days.

19. Social withdrawal

You might avoid social activities or spending time with friends out of fear it may upset your partner or change the dynamic of your relationship. You may decline invitations to social events with friends or family because you’re worried your partner might feel left out or that it might cause a shift in your relationship dynamic.

As a result, you could slowly isolate yourself, chopping off the other connections and pillars of support that you need to stay emotionally healthy.

20. Compulsively checking behaviors

If you’re anxious about how your partner feels about you, you might feel the impulse to constantly check your partner’s social media or text messages, hoping to find some proof of their devotion to you. You might also pray that you don’t see the contrary, even though you are almost searching for it on some level.

21. Loss of personal interests

You might lose interest in hobbies or activities you once enjoyed as your focus becomes overwhelmingly centered on your relationship. 

Maybe painting is the thing that used to keep you sane. But over time, you gave it up because you became consumed with thoughts and worries about your relationship. And possibly because you started to replace your own hobbies with your partner’s in the misguided hope that it’d increase your compatibility.

Causes of Relationship Anxiety

Feeling anxiety in your relationships is difficult. It can feel emotionally draining and ungrounding. If you want to increase your security in your relationships, it can help to understand why you might feel anxious. Here are some of the most common reasons.

Fear of rejection

Some people struggle with rejection sensitivity. This is when experiencing rejection is extremely painful. So you subconsciously search for signs of rejection in hopes that it will help you protect yourself, though, in actuality, it causes you to see rejection where it’s not. 

Rejection is an innate human fear^{2https://www.sciencedirect.com/topics/medicine-and-dentistry/dorsal-anterior-cingulate-cortex#:~:text=The%20dorsal%20anterior%20cingulate%20cortex,et%20al.%2C%202017).} for all of us. But if you have past experiences where you were rejected or abandoned, it can create an intensified emotional reaction to rejection. 

You might also have Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD), which tends to manifest in folks with ADHD or autism^{3https://www.additudemag.com/rejection-sensitive-dysphoria-adhd-emotional-dysregulation/}. If you have RSD, rejection can cause you to dysregulate, where your nervous system becomes emotionally overwhelmed, and you experience unbearable emotional pain. If you feel like this is you, your best bet is to speak with a medical professional.

Lack of communication

Communication is the cornerstone of a strong relationship. 

Good communication means that both people feel safe expressing desires, needs, and emotions. 

If your partner is not reliably expressing themselves vulnerably, it might create anxiety for you because you never really know what they think and how they feel. 

Similarly, if you don’t feel safe sharing your insecurities and boundaries, the relationship dynamic might cause you to feel disempowered and further your anxiety.

Lack of trust

Trust is essential for feeling secure in a relationship. Without it, you may feel constantly on edge, unsure of your partner’s intentions or fidelity.

Here are some cornerstones of trust in an intimate relationship:

• Reliability. Do you trust that your partner will do what they say they’ll do?
• Empathy. Do you trust that your partner can hold space for your feelings and vulnerability and be emotionally supportive and caring when needed? 
• Integrity. Do you trust that your partner will honor your relationship agreements around connecting with others?
• Honesty. Do you trust that your partner will always strive to tell the truth, reveal their experience, and admit when they’ve messed up?
• Goodwill: Do you trust that your partner has your best interest at heart and will act as if they are on the same team as you? 

If any of these types of trust feel missing in your relationship, then anxiety and insecurity would be a natural response.

Trauma from previous relationships

Relationships take people to some of the deeper places within themself. So any wounds from an old relationship might have left deep and tender scars that can take years to heal.

If you’ve experienced betrayal, abandonment, loss, or deep hurt in a previous partnership or intimate friendship, you might carry this pain into future relationships. And when things get deep and vulnerable enough, it might feel natural to become afraid and anxious that the same thing could happen again.

Low self-worth

If you don’t view yourself as valuable or lovable, you might constantly fear that your partner will leave you for someone “better.” 

Low self-worth will appear across your life, not just in your relationship. You might also feel anxious that your friends will move on from you or that your boss will realize you’re a fraud.

If you’d like ideas to build up your self-worth, here’s a guide that could help.

Attachment style

Attachment theory posits that we each develop different attachment styles based on how our caregivers related to us when we were infants.

You might have an anxious attachment style if your parents, older siblings, or grandparents were inconsistent with their attention and affection. Because their love was sometimes there and sometimes not, you became terrified that it’d disappear at any time. 

Attachment theory suggests that as an adult when you get close enough with another person, you’ll start to view them like your caretaker of the past and feel anxious that they could leave you at a moment’s notice.

If you’d like to clarify your attachment style, here’s a helpful quiz you can take.

Inherent aspects of the relationship structure that lead to uncertainty

Sometimes the relationship setup might create anxiety that otherwise wouldn’t be there. Here are a few examples:

• Long distance relationships. If your relationship is long-distance, you might not be able to effectively get the intimacy you need, which can create anxiety.
• Busy schedules. If you and your partner both work around the clock, it might be hard to create the quality time needed to forge a secure bond, which could leave you consistently anxious.

If both of your calendars look like this, and you want to spend more time together, then an anxiety response makes sense! 

I experienced a situation with a former boss where the relationship parameters were causing me anxiety. Every time we met, I’d experience much more anxiety than any other relationship in my life. I felt like I needed to “get” him to like me. This was initially very confusing–I’m generally fairly secure in my connections, so why did this relationship have me feeling like I was in middle school again?

I was writing for his YouTube channel as my sole source of income, and he would give me assignments at unpredictable time intervals. I was also effectively trying out to be the channel’s main writer, so I felt like I could lose out to someone else at a moment’s notice. Because my finances were relying on this unstable income structure, it was pouring over into my relationship with my boss, where I’d feel extreme anxiety and an unrelenting impulse to “impress” him.

Once I realized this, I chose to pick up another job so that I was less reliant on the unpredictable YouTube channel; I also re-negotiated a contract with my boss so that I could have more stability. And all of this led to a huge reduction in anxiety in our connection. 

While you won’t have a situation just like mine, it may be the parameters around your relationship that are creating social anxiety. And if you can identify what’s going on, you can negotiate some of those parameters to create more security for yourself.

You always question everything

Some people have the gift and the curse of having the devil’s advocate dwelling within them. They instinctually question everything and can always see all sides of every issue. This is a gift in that it can lead to freedom of thought and open-mindedness. 

But this tendency can also create a pattern of self-doubt and second-guessing. Where nothing ever feels totally certain.

If this sounds like you, it’s possible that the relationship itself is not the source of anxiety but rather is another place for your doubt-seeking thought patterns to manifest.

You are expressing genuine doubt about the relationship

It can be unsettling to question if you want to be in a relationship. Often, we don’t let ourselves experience doubts about a relationship because we are afraid of the possibility of breaking up. So if a doubt arises inside of you, you might have an anxious reaction and try to push it down immediately because you’re afraid of what the doubt might mean.

If you don’t give yourself permission to feel certain feelings, then when those feelings do inevitably arise (in this case, doubt), you will meet them with fear and anxiety.

The solution here is to welcome doubt as a natural part of any relationship and to allow yourself to explore what’s inside of your doubt. Sometimes the doubt points to a desire to break up. Though often, the doubt might lead you to understand shifts you need to make in the connection or places where you aren’t fully accepting your partner’s imperfections.

Regardless of what the doubt means for you, once you accept that it’s there, relief will replace anxiety.

Not the right partner 

In general, it’s a good habit to assume that you are (at least partly) responsible for any relationship dysfunction you’re experiencing. And if it’s a pattern across multiple relationships, you should definitely look for your part in the matter.

But every once in a while, it actually is just the other person.

They may be hyper-avoidant and create situations that have caused every past partner of theirs to feel anxious.

Or, maybe they are a narcissist and have created a relational dynamic that has made you terribly anxious and doubt-ridden.

Though, even if it is your partner who is evoking your anxiety, still look for places to take responsibility. Why were you drawn to this person? What unhealed parts of you felt compelled by their behavior? How did you co-create this dynamic?

Strategies to Address Relationship Anxiety

If you’re experiencing relationship anxiety, these strategies can help:

Make a “request-for-change”

As we saw before, if someone feels anxious in a relationship, there can be a strong impulse to forgo their boundaries to win over their partner or avoid conflict.

This strategy will only further disempower you and increase your anxiety. Instead, you need to find the boundaries, needs, or preferences that matter to you in the relationship and start to voice them one by one.

Action Step 1: Journal on the following prompt for 5 minutes: “What am I merely tolerating in this relationship?” 

Action Step 2: Based on what you’re tolerating, reflect on if there are any changes you’d like to request. Would you like them to take their shoes off in the bed? Or to brush their teeth in the morning before kissing? Or to spend more time in foreplay? See if you can find at least 3.

Action Step 3: Decide to make one request-for-change from your partner the next time you see them. In fact, you could text them right now and say something like, “Hey, baby! I’m excited about our date tomorrow. When we meet, remind me that there’s something I want to ask you 💕”   

Find ways out of anxiety spirals

Anxiety is an emotion that tends to take the shape of a spiral. Once it arises, it picks up steam and gets louder and louder. The anxious thoughts become more and more believable until you can’t see anything outside of your anxiety.

If you’re caught in an anxiety spiral, no shame! It happens to the best of us 🙂

Firstly, don’t take any major action from this place. Don’t go through your partner’s phone or send any texts. Acknowledge you can’t see clearly at this moment, and then enact your anxiety-spiral-escape plan!

Action Step: If you’re noticing your anxiety is spiraling out of control, go through these steps:

1. Acknowledge it. Name out loud that you are in an anxiety spiral. Something like: “I am experiencing a lot of anxiety right now, and that’s OK.”
2. Deep breaths. We know from research^{4https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyt.2020.00590/full} that deep breaths can create calm and soothe stress. Take ten super deep breaths. Biiiig inhales. And biiiig exhales. Try to let out a sigh on your exhales.
3. Take a walk. Especially in a park or in nature; studies show^{5https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8953618/} that nature walks help reduce anxiety and stress.
4. Call a friend. Get someone else’s take on your situation. When you’re anxious, it’s hard to see clearly, but your friend can help you get a reality check.

Take a relationship break

It’s hard to see where we are in a relationship while we’re in it. It’s like a fish trying to see water. Sometimes the only way to truly see the state of a relationship is to get space from it.

When you have space, you can better identify the beautiful aspects of your connection and also the unhealthy patterns you got entangled in.

It’s like when you’re in a room with a candle. After about 10 minutes, you stop smelling the candle; you don’t notice it’s there. But if you leave for a few minutes and then re-enter the room, you can notice and appreciate the smell again with renewed clarity. 

The same is true of a smelly trash can. 

And a relationship. Only when you get a little breather from your relationship can you see which parts smell like a Jo Malone Pine & Eucalyptus candle and which parts smell like a rotting banana peel.

Action Step: Plan a weekend for yourself. It could be in an Airbnb, on a friend’s couch, or in a tent. It could be a road trip, a visit to a new city, or a time in the woods. It’s up to you. Make it your own! And make the intention to get space for the relationship and re-connect with yourself.

Embrace your fears

If you experience relationship anxiety, it is likely because there is an outcome that you are afraid of. And anxiety occurs any time you interpret an event as a predictor of the scariest outcome.

One way to approach this is to actually let yourself imagine the thing you’re afraid of. This is a similar approach to the Stoic practice of negative visualization and the Buddhist practice of death contemplation. Instead of disallowing your mind from fully traveling to the place you’re afraid of, consciously go all the way there, and see that you’d actually be OK no matter what happens.

Action Steps: First, reflect on what outcome you are most afraid of. For most readers, that will probably be the possibility that their partner will break up with them. 

Then, visualize yourself in that situation. What would it actually look like to break up? Would you have to move to a different location? Imagine yourself as a single person, building a new life for yourself. 

As you go through this visualization, emphasize the undertone that no matter what happens, you will be okay. You’ve been okay your entire life until this point. If you break up and become single, there will be pain, but you will also be okay. 

Often visualizing yourself in the situation you are most afraid of and seeing yourself as being okay (and even happy) can take the claws out of the fear.

Practice self-love

If you experience relationship anxiety, it can be hard to believe that your partner really loves you or cares about you. If you feel this way, this is likely more a reflection of your inner state than your partner’s feelings.

If your inner dialogue consists of barrages of “you’re not good enough,” “nobody loves you,” and other difficult thoughts, then to feel more relaxed in your relationship with your partner, it might help to start with your relationship with yourself.

Action Step: Stand in front of a mirror. Notice whatever thoughts come up. Then try to consciously surface a few things you appreciate about yourself.

To find more ideas on self-love, this article is a great resource.

Changing your inner dialogue will take time. But the more you practice, the more you can start to view yourself with kinder eyes.

Line up your love languages

If you need constant reassurance that your partner loves you, you could explore the 5 Love Languages paradigm.

According to Dr. Gary Chapman, there are 5 ways of expressing love to a partner. They are:

• Quality time: Spending long amounts of focused time with each other.
• Physical touch: Cuddles, hugs, massage. Anything where your bodies connect.
• Gifts: Purchasing or creating gifts to show your care.
• Acts of service: Spending your time doing favors for your partner (like cleaning their room).
• Words of affirmation: Verbally expressing love, care, and appreciation.

If there is a specific love language that you enjoy receiving the most, and your partner expresses their love to you in a different language, then you might not feel like they love you when they actually do.

Action Step: Of the five love languages, which do you enjoy receiving the most? Rank them from your favorite to least favorite. If you’re not sure, you can take the official quiz here.

Of the five languages, which do you feel your partner tends to express the most? Rank them from the one your partner expresses the most to the least.

Notice any discrepancies between the two lists.

If you like a love language your partner isn’t currently expressing, try asking them for more.

Find a confidant

When a relationship is causing you enough stress, you’ll need someone else to help you talk through it. Whether a therapist, a friend, or a family member, social support is crucial.

Action Step: Who is one person in your life who you can call upon to help listen and talk through your anxiety? Send them a text asking if they can meet up this week.

When to seek professional help

At a certain point, you might find that none of your coping strategies are working. You might even have a confidant to open up to, but you still feel bogged down with anxiety. In these times, it can be valuable to call in a mental health professional.

If you notice any of these signs recurring, consider reaching out:

• Physical symptoms. You’re having trouble sleeping, you’ve lost your appetite, or you continue to become physically ill.
• Mental health. You are starting to feel anxious, irritable, or depressed all the time, and it’s not getting better.
• Impacted work performance. You’re having trouble concentrating at work or school because you’re worried. 
• Neglected parts of your life. If you’ve noticed that your relationship anxiety has caused you to let go of hobbies, friends, or self-care.

Psychology Today is one terrific directory where you can search for therapists around the globe for either one-on-one or couples therapy.

The Difference Between Relationship Anxiety and Limerence

Limerence^{6https://www.researchgate.net/publication/281770241_Exploring_the_Lived-Experience_of_Limerence_A_Journey_toward_Authenticity} is the psychological term that describes the “acute onset” of an “unexpected, obsessive attachment to one person,” say psychologists from the University of Sussex.

This is more or less science-y lingo for having an intense crush or experiencing new relationship energy (a term the polyamorous community uses).

When we’re in a new romantic relationship, we often feel extreme excitement and anxiety. All of a sudden, the question of whether they’ll text you back becomes more important than your job. Fretting over if your joke was too suggestive can take over an evening. Or all of a sudden, you feel happy to ditch your weekly poetry class, which historically meant a lot to you, to join them for your suddenly-new-passion, Pilates.

This type of obsessive relationship anxiety is expected in a new relationship when there’s a lot of potential and uncertainty.

But this anxiety and impulse to self-sacrifice don’t subside for some folks. Their relationships continue to feel full of uncertainty, doubt, and worry.

Frequently Asked Questions About Relationship Anxiety

Takeaways About Relationship Anxiety

It’s natural to feel anxious in the early stages of a relationship. But if the anxiety persists, you might consider looking deeper. 

To manage relationship anxiety, remember to:

• Request a change from your partner. Determine what you’ve been tolerating and see if you can empower yourself to speak up.
• Find ways out of anxiety spirals. If you notice yourself getting lost in anxiety, first acknowledge and accept that you’re in an anxiety spiral, then take 10 deep breaths, then take a walk in the woods, and then call a friend.
• Take a relationship break just for a few days so you can find clarity on how you feel about the relationship.
• Embrace your fears by exploring what your greatest relationship fear is, and then envision it actually happening and how you’d still be okay in that hypothetical reality.
• Practice self-love by looking in the mirror and giving yourself a little appreciation.
• Line up your love languages with your partner by determining your favorite love languages to receive and then asking for more of them.
• Find a confidant who you can open up to and who can give you a reality check on your situation.
• Seek professional help if the anxiety persists and impacts your health or other areas of your life.

Remember, some amount of anxiety is normal. But if your anxiety is past a certain threshold, you must remember to take care of yourself first. You deserve to feel good! 

If you deal with anxiety in other areas of your life, not just your relationship, you might be interested in reading this article about 24 tips to deal with anxiety.