3 Surprising Reasons Why Married People Cheat

According to infidelity statistics in America^{1https://ifstudies.org/blog/who-cheats-more-the-demographics-of-cheating-in-america}, here’s a fact that might just make you pause: Nearly 1 in 8 women have admitted to cheating. And for men? That’s 1 in 5.

Surprised?

We’re about to dive deep into the why behind these startling statistics. From the thrill of the chase to just simply being dissatisfied emotionally in a relationship, we’ll cover why married men and women alike tend to cheat. 

Ready to be enlightened? Let’s delve into the intriguing world of infidelity.

What is Considered Cheating?

Cheating involves breaking a promise or violating a set of agreed-upon emotional or sexual boundaries in a committed relationship. However, the boundaries of what constitutes cheating can vary greatly from one couple to another and may evolve within the same relationship.

When it comes to infidelity, it can be physical or emotional:

1. Physical Infidelity is the act we often see in dramatic movie scenes, like a kiss caught in the rain or clandestine meet-ups. It’s any physical act with someone outside a committed relationship, from a fleeting touch to more.

Physical infidelity’s impact is often immediate and unmistakable, especially if a relationship is strictly monogamous. It’s the kind of betrayal that can shatter trust instantly, leaving damaging scars on a relationship.

2. Emotional Infidelity can be harder to spot. Long conversations that stretch into the night, the emotional support sought from someone, not your partner, and the shared smiles that mean more than they should be emotional infidelity. It’s an intimate connection, minus the physicality.

The danger is that this is a slow-burning candle that can gradually melt away the trust of a relationship. Its damage isn’t always obvious but can leave a void where intimacy and trust once lived.

Both Physical and Emotional Infidelity are powerful and damaging in their ways!

Important: The Gray Areas

Now when it comes to cheating, there’s a whole virtual dimension to it, from those DMs that cross the line or that “just for fun” Tinder profile. It’s not as in-your-face as traditional cheating, but it hurts just the same. There’s also secrecy, like suddenly your partner treats their phone like Fort Knox, or they’ve got a bunch of tall tales about where they’ve been.

It all boils down to keeping it real with each other, whether you’re chatting face-to-face or sliding into DMs.

Recognizing The Signs of Cheating

Infidelity often leaves a trail of subtle yet distinct signs. Let’s delve into some of these telltale signs!

• Cooling Off: Think of Emily and Alex. They were once inseparable, but lately, Alex seems distant. He no longer wants to talk in bed. He’s glued to his phone. And, he goes to the gym for 3 hours… just when you get home from work. It might be a sign if those warm, fuzzy moments become stale. That shift from cozy to cold might hint that their heart’s wandering.
• Hush-Hush Habits: Take John’s case with Sarah. Once an open book, her phone is now more guarded than a secret diary. John even noticed she had installed password-protected messaging apps on her phone. Yikes! That’s another clue in the “something’s off” column.
• Routine No More: If “late at work” becomes the new norm or “business trips” pop up too often, your detective hat might need dusting off. Think of why their routine changes and perhaps if something fishy is happening.
• Emotional Rollercoaster: One moment they’re snappy, the next they’re laying on the rizz. If their mood swings are too much, it could be covering up something more.
• Friends Are Silent: When friends start acting like they’re in a game of hot potato around you, it might be because they’re keeping a secret. If you can’t trust your friends to tell you the truth, or they’re toxic, maybe they know something you don’t.

3 Reasons Why Married People Cheat

They’re Emotionally Dissatisfied

I get it—we all have those days where we want to cuddle up in bed because we’re emotionally stressed. But some married people have a deep, persistent void that nudges them to seek understanding and connection outside their primary relationship.

For example, Imagine Michael and Max. They’re the couple who had it all—sparks, deep talks, the works. Fast forward a few years, and Michael feels he’s living with a polite roommate, not his life partner.

Their chats? Reduced to logistics and to-do lists.

This lack of emotions led him straight into the arms of a coworker who mirrored the empathy and understanding he craved.

So why does this happen? Here’s what science says: Research from the Journal of Sex Research^{2https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/00224499.2021.1967846} puts emotional dissatisfaction at the top of why people cheat. It was a lack of relationship satisfaction (specifically sexual satisfaction) that scored the highest on the list.

And in some cases, a lack of emotional intimacy might lead to more sexual dissatisfaction, causing a downward spiral of negativity.

They Have Unmet Needs

Scientific research^{3https://www.researchgate.net/publication/324136899_Personality_and_Romantic_Relationship_Satisfaction} has long shown that each individual enters a relationship with their emotional, physical, and psychological needs. When these needs are not met, it can lead to loneliness, resentment, and disconnection, even in a relationship that looks bright and dandy on the surface.

Want a great real-life example? Chris Pratt and Anna Faris. Once Hollywood’s beloved couple, their divorce shocked fans worldwide. They faced the challenge of balancing individual needs with the demands of a public lifestyle and professional commitments. Pratt’s skyrocketing career and Faris’s success, combined with the pressures of parenting, likely played a big role in their breakup.

Unmet needs are the silent killers in even the strongest relationships.

Finally, the last reason…

They’ve Got (Psychological) Issues

It’s a startling fact that nearly one in five adults deals with some form of psychological challenge^{4https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/statistics/mental-illness}, and these challenges can sometimes create a pathway to infidelity in relationships. 

Here are a few ways people can struggle, and how it can lead to cheating:

• Overwhelming Worry: If your partner is always worried and seeking reassurance (especially if they are a people pleaser), they might feel insecure in the relationship. This constant need for validation could lead them to seek attention outside the relationship, resulting in infidelity.
• Feeling Down: When someone is consistently down and disengaged, they might look for excitement or a mood boost elsewhere. This can, unfortunately, manifest as seeking emotional or physical connections outside the relationship.
• Need for Routine: Sure, seeking a routine is comforting, but it can also lead to a feeling of stagnation (unless you consistently seek to break out of your comfort zone). A partner might cheat to break the monotony, seeking unexpected excitement that they feel is missing in the relationship.
• Mood Swings: Unpredictable mood swings can create instability in a relationship. A partner might cheat during a low point, seeking a temporary escape.
• Struggling with Bad Habits: Bad habits, especially those that are addictive, can lead to poor decision-making. This includes decisions that might lead to cheating, often as a way to cope with or escape from these challenges.
• Haunted by the Past: Past traumas can profoundly affect present relationships. Sometimes, individuals cheat as a misguided attempt to deal with unresolved issues from their past.

For a deep dive into relationship attachment styles and how they affect people (and also take a quiz), check out our detailed article here: Take the Quiz to Discover Your Attachment Style.

Tips to Mend a Relationship With a Cheating Partner

If you suspect (or know) your partner is cheating, it’s ultimately up to you and your partner whether or not to continue the relationship. However, if you’d like some tips on how to brighten up a relationship, check these out:

Acknowledge Your Feelings (yes, even those feelings)

So, your partner cheated. Or, at least you suspect they did.

Now, you’re riding the rollercoaster of emotions, from anger that could roast marshmallows to a sadness deep enough to rival the world’s tiniest violin.

First things first: Feel those feelings. Yes, every single messy one of them.

It’s OKOK not to be OKOK.

You’re not in a rom-com where everything gets resolved in a neat 90-minute timeframe. This is real life, and in real life, emotions are complex. Anger, sadness, betrayal, confusion… it’s all valid!

Some folks might tell you to “just get over it” or “move on.” But that’s leaning toward toxic positivity. And here’s the thing: there’s no “right” way to feel. If you want to scream into a pillow, go for it. Need to cry while watching sappy movies? Pass the tissues. Feel like laughing because the whole situation is just so absurd? Laugh until your sides hurt.

Letting your emotions process is like letting them have their moment on stage before they exit stage left. Suppressing your feelings is like trying to hold a beach ball underwater… they will pop up when you least expect it.

Acknowledging your feelings is the first step towards healing.

Healing isn’t pretty. It’s not a straight line. It’s a scribble, a zigzag, a loop-de-loop. There will be days when you feel like you’ve taken one step forward and two steps back. That’s OK. That’s normal. You’re not doing it wrong; you’re just doing it human.

Once you’ve acknowledged your emotions, it’s time to take the following steps in the healing process by aligning yourself with your true values: 100+ Deep Shadow Work Prompts To Accept Yourself And Move Forward.

Exchange No-Judgment Journals

Here’s another great tip: A journal that’s a safe zone, a no-judgment arena. You and your significant other pour your hearts out on paper, not screens or spoken words. It’s intimate, it’s raw, and it’s real. This is what a No-Judgment Journal Exchange is all about.

In this exchange, you can express your innermost thoughts and feelings. Why does this work? Because journaling is a mental-health superpill: it has even been found to be as effective as cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) for depression^{5https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/17007812/}.

How It Works: You each get a journal. It becomes your private area. The rule is simple: write honestly and read with empathy.

5 Journal Prompts to Kickstart Your Exchange:

• The Unsaid Things: Write about something you’ve wanted to say but haven’t. It could be a fear, a dream, a frustration—something simmering under the surface like a tea kettle ready to whistle.
• The Appreciation Page: Dedicate a page to things you appreciate about your partner. This isn’t just about grand gestures; it’s about the little things, like how they make coffee just the way you like it or their goofy morning hair.
• The Forgiveness Letter: Write a letter of forgiveness, either forgiving your partner for something or seeking forgiveness for something you’ve done. It’s like opening a window to let out stale air.
• The Future Blueprint: Pen down your vision of the future together. Where do you see yourselves in five years? What dreams do you want to chase together? It’s like sketching a map of your shared journey.
• The “If Only You Knew” Confession: Share something your partner might not know about you. It could be a childhood memory, a hidden talent, or a fear you’ve never voiced. It’s about revealing the layers of your story.

Once you both have poured your thoughts onto the pages, swap the journals. Read them with an open heart and an open mind.

When interpreting your partner, it’s not all about what they say (or write). Use this free goodie to level up your skills:

Go on a Truth Adventure

In this small study^{6https://thekeep.eiu.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1018&context=honors_theses} of only 65 participants, 100% said trust was an important factor for a relationship. What about a whole day where nothing but the raw, unvarnished truth is allowed? Scary? Maybe a little. Necessary? Absolutely.

Especially when trust in your relationship has taken a hit, you’ll need to rebuild it.

Let’s go on a “Truth Adventure.” The setting? That’s up to you. It could be a trail winding through whispering woods, a meandering drive down scenic routes, or even a quiet corner of your favorite café. The key is neutrality. No home-field advantages here.

The concept is simple yet profound. From sunrise to sunset, you and your partner agree only to speak truths. No matter how small (“I hate how you leave socks everywhere”) or how big (“I feel neglected when you work late nights.”).

Remember, it’s not about winning points. It’s about understanding and empathy. When your partner reveals a truth, it’s a chance for empathy. Listen. Reflect. Respond.

Once the adventure concludes, you might feel like you’ve run an emotional marathon. That’s OK. The important part is what comes next—using those truths as the foundation stones to rebuild trust.

Keep it Private, Not Public.

When suspicions of them cheating are buzzing in your head, it’s tempting to swat at them in public. But public confrontations? They’re messy, embarrassing, and more dramatic than a season finale of your favorite drama series.

Plus, you don’t want to be that person who gets whispered about in the office break room, right?

Here’s a better idea:

• When suspicions or conflicts arise, choose to address them privately, controlled. Find a calm moment (think Sunday pancake breakfast) to engage in a one-on-one conversation with your partner, where you can express your thoughts and feelings without external pressures.
• Emphasize your desire to resolve the issue (“What can I do to help?”) rather than assigning blame (“It’s all your fault!”). Frame the conversation as an opportunity to understand each other better and find solutions.
• Show respect for your partner’s dignity and the privacy of your relationship. This approach fosters an environment of trust and mutual understanding.

Create a Relationship Time Capsule

Ever thought of bottling up time? That’s basically what a Relationship Time Capsule is. It’s a snapshot of your love in a box, to be opened in the future. These are GREAT for sharing with your partner, especially when you’re going through a rough patch and need a little bit of remembrance of the good times.

Here’s what to include:

• First Text Messages Printouts: The awkward hellos and smiley faces (emojis) started it all.
• A Map Marked with Special Places: That coffee shop where you first met or the beach where you watched the sunrise.
• Concert or Movie Tickets: Reminders of the beats and scenes you shared.
• A Recipe for Your Favorite Meal Together: Nothing is off limits, whether it’s burnt toast or gourmet pasta.
• Love Letters to Your Future Selves: Write what you love about each other and what you hope for your future together.
• A Playlist of Your Songs: Burn a CD or create a playlist of songs that define your relationship.
• A Jar of Inside Jokes: Scribbled on scraps of paper, these are the laughs that only you two get.
• Future Vacation Brochures: Places you dream of exploring together.
• A Trinket That Holds Special Meaning: Maybe a seashell from a beach trip or a ticket stub from your first movie date.
• A List of Goals You Want to Achieve Together: Learning salsa, dancing, or buying a home.
• Photos of You Together: From silly selfies to formal portraits.
• A Sample of Your Partner’s Favorite Perfume/Cologne: Scents that trigger memories.
• A Pet’s Toy or Photo (If You Have One): They’re also part of your journey.
• A “Where We See Ourselves” Note: Each of you writes where you imagine you’ll be when you open this capsule.
• A Promise Note: Write down a promise you want to keep for the other.

Once you’ve gathered your Relationship Time Capsule, here’s what to do next:

• Choose a Date to Open It: It may be your 10th anniversary or another significant milestone. Or perhaps you need a relationship pick-me-up.
• Seal It Together: Make it a ceremonial event, like you’re sealing the past or looking forward to the future.
• Hide It Somewhere Safe: But not so safe you forget where it is!

Create Silent Moments

Have you ever sat in silence with your partner?

There’s a conversation happening in this silence, but it’s nonverbal. It’s in the way you both breathe, the subtle shifts in posture, the occasional meeting of eyes.

You start by setting a timer; maybe it’s just 10 minutes. You sit facing each other, maybe holding hands, maybe not. The key is to be comfortable and open.

In these moments, pay attention to the little things. Notice how your partner’s eyes light up when they smile, even without a sound. Observe the way their shoulders drop, releasing the weight of the day. Feel the rhythm of their breathing and let it sync with yours. 

These sessions are a reminder that communication isn’t just about words. It’s about presence, attention, and feeling.

Sometimes, the most powerful messages are felt, not said.

As you practice this more, you might find that this silence speaks louder than any conversation you’ve ever had. In these quiet moments, you might feel closer than ever, understanding each other in a way words could never fully capture.

And if you’d like to know how good you are at reading nonverbals (and to become great at analyzing them), check out our Body Language Quiz.

Consider Professional Resources

Sure, you might have the smarts, the experience, and a PhD in the School of Hard Knocks regarding relationships. But sometimes, even the most seasoned love navigators need a bit of outside perspective.

If conflicts persist, consider seeking the guidance of a professional therapist or counselor. They can provide an objective perspective and facilitate constructive conversations. And if you’re not keen on pursuing a professional therapist or counselor just yet, here are some more resources which might be helpful:

• All The Stages in a Relationship You Need to Know
• How to Not Be Clingy: 10 Helpful Ways to End Neediness
• How to Be Happy in a Relationship: The Ultimate Guide
• 36 Deep Questions to Ask You’re Significant Other So You Can Truly Know Them

Cheating Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)