Some guys seem effortlessly suave with women. They know the right gestures, compliments, and questions to make her swoon over him.
Others feel impossibly shy or anxious every time they try to approach a girl. Maybe their palms get sweaty, they feel awkward, or they stumble over their words. If this is you, don’t worry!
Talking to women is a skill, just like riding a bike or working on cars. Once you acquire the tools of the trade and start practicing, it can become second nature.
If you’re wondering how to make conversation with a girl so she’ll like you and maybe go on a date with you, here are 25 actionable secrets:
25 Ways to Start a Conversation With a Girl
While you may think it’s just good looks that win over ladies, women are almost always more impressed by charm and wit. Good looks and confidence may attract her initially, but the dating game is about conversation and personality.
#1 Build up your confidence with these tricks
We don’t need massive research to know that confidence is ridiculously sexy. Nonetheless, the time has proved that women prefer confident men and find them more desirable as romantic partners.
But how do you build confidence from thin air?
You don’t… It takes time and self-work.
However, there are some things you can “fake ’till you make it.” If you want to be more confident as you approach a woman, try these hacks:
- Hype yourself up: Positive internal dialogue is closely associated with higher self-esteem. Right before you try to talk to a girl, internally tell yourself some positive affirmations like “I’ve got this,” “I am charming and interesting,” or “I’m unique and interesting to talk to.” Check out these 11 Scientific Strategies for More Confidence.
- Walk like a winner: Stand up tall and never make yourself small. Walk with a purpose as you approach a woman. Use these 4 Body Language Tips for Introverts and Shy People to Inspire Confidence.
- Talk with purpose: Vocal inflection drastically affects how women perceive you. Most women want to converse with a man who seems solid in his self-worth and knows his reason for being there. Avoid whispering quietly or in a high-pitched nervous tone. Instead, speak to her with conviction by:
- Using a lower voice (that’s still within your appropriate vocal range)
- Speaking from your diaphragm
- Maintaining a moderate volume
- Say don’t ask. Try to avoid using the question inflection accidentally on a statement. So say, “My name is ___.” Not “My name is ___?”
Want more? Check out How to Build Rock-Solid Self-Esteem in 8 Weeks (or less!) and try these body language hacks to appear more confident:
#2. Read her body language to see if she’s interested
If you don’t know how to read a woman’s nonverbal signals, you could be dooming yourself to rejection from the very start. While women aren’t always known for being transparent with their words (ah, the dreaded mixed signals), they tend to be much more apparent with their body language.
At the very least, they will tell you if they’re uninterested…
To avoid wasting your time, search for these signs before you approach her:
|Signs She’s Probably Interested(Approach!)||Signs She Doesn’t Want to Talk to You(Don’t Approach!)|
|She holds your eye contact for more than 1-2 seconds (bonus if she winks, flutters her eyelashes, or looks over to you multiple times!)||Averts or avoids eye contact|
|She “preens” herself by stroking or twirling her hair, re-applying lipstick, playing with her earrings, or checking her appearance in a mirror||She doesn’t make visible efforts to look more attractive|
|Her body looks open (arms relaxed and freely moving or pushing chest outward)||Her arms folded, she is clenching her purse, or her chest is hidden|
|She smiles at you (especially if she licks or bites her lip)||She frowns or holds a tense facial expression|
|She faces you (with her head, torso, or knees) and leans toward you when you talk||She turns her body away from you or starts a conversation with somebody else|
|She “accidentally” touches you or subtly brushes past you (women rarely feel someone they’re not interested in on purpose)||She avoids getting close to you or stands at a distance|
|She sways her hips or flips her hair when she walks past you (often moving slower)||She quickly walks away from you with a rigid posture|
Try a test real quick. Would you try to go up to this girl and start a conversation?
How about her?
If you would approach the second but not the first, you’re on the right track. The first girl is on her phone, facing the other direction, and not returning eye contact. Marilyn is turning her body toward a guy she’s interested in, licking her lips, and making direct eye contact.
If this seems like a foreign language, learn more about Reading Female Body Language: 15 Cues to Reveal Attraction.
#3 Make intentional eye contact
Speaking of eye contact, it’s an essential part of the dating game. Eyes are the windows to the soul, and interested women enjoy your eyes on them (why else would they put so much effort into their hair, makeup, and outfit?)
So what’s the trick to avoiding creepy eye contact…
And are they instead exchanging a sexy gaze?
Here are a few tips:
- Slowly exchange an initial glance
- Avoid darting your eyes toward or away
- Don’t stare for longer than 5 seconds
- Don’t stare at her breasts or body (look her in the eye)
- If you lock eyes, hold her gaze for 3-5 seconds, then slowly look away
- Don’t forget to blink normally
- Maintain eye contact for about 50% of the time while talking and 75% of the time while listening
Girls like to be looked at and will typically return your gaze if interested in you.
But if she looks uncomfortable or uninterested, steer clear:
#4 Ask her name, then repeat it
This is one of the simplest tricks in the book. Once you know her name, you are no longer strangers. Asking her name also allows you to read her body language and warm up the conversation.
But to take it up a notch and stand out, you will want to say her name back to her.
In How to Win Friends and Influence People, Dale Carnegie famously wrote:
“Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.”
Repeat her name after she says it, and throw in a little compliment or cultural reference if you’d like:
- Well, Jessica, it’s a pleasure to meet you.
- Zendaya, what a unique name!
- Oh, Logan like The Wolverine? (chuckle)
- Julia, that’s a beautiful name.
As a bonus, the repetition will help you remember her name, especially if it’s a unique one. If you’re unsure of the pronunciation, ask her how the spelling.
#5 Give her a unique compliment
Men are constantly trying to figure out what women want. But the answer could be surprisingly simple. In a survey of over 64,000 women, what was the number one thing women desired in a man?
Not macho muscles.
It was kindness! Followed shortly after by supportiveness, intelligence, education, and confidence.
Complimenting a woman is one of the easiest ways to start a conversation. You’re showing her that she stands out to you, and you noticed something you like about her.
But the genuine flattery comes when you go for unique compliments beyond the bland “you are so pretty” or “I like your hair.” If you want to be memorable, try a compliment with a little more depth (just make sure it’s genuine and relevant to her):
- Your hair is stunning.
- Those earrings make your eyes sparkle.
- Your style is so unique.
- Your smile lights up this room.
- (At work or school) I admire your work ethic.
- (After a presentation) I loved the way you spoke so confidently on stage.
- Your eyes are captivating. Did you get them from your mom or dad?
- That color looks fantastic on you.
- Your skin is glowing.
And if you must compliment her body, try it in a non-creepy way. Women enjoy feeling sexy, but they don’t want to be like a piece of meat. Try these respectful compliments:
- You look incredible in that dress.
- That outfit looks great on you.
- You have an excellent physique. What kinds of workouts do you do?
At the very least, she will remember you. At best, she will continue the conversation or even ask for your number. While she may hear “you’re beautiful” regularly, guys don’t give these types of thoughtful compliments every day.
Keep in mind that kindness isn’t all about words. It should also combine with action…
#6 Be chivalrous
Back in the day, it was commonplace for men to open doors, help women carry things, or offer their jackets when their lady was cold. However, in this day and age, these simple gestures can set you apart:
- Hold the door open for a woman entering a store, restaurant, or venue.
- If she drops something, pick it up for her.
- Pull out a chair for her to sit down.
- Walk on the outside (street side) of the sidewalk.
- Give up your seat on a public train or bus for her.
- Ask her if she needs help carrying a heavy item (but be careful not to insult her by asking to take super light bags).
- If you are talking in a social setting, always introduce her to others who approach.
- Show up or call her when you say you’re going to.
A genuinely good guy will do these things for women (young or old, attractive or not) regardless of their interests. After all, chivalry is about being a gentleman.
But the secret to turning a chivalrous act into a conversation is following up with a question or conversation starter…
#7 Ask how she’s doing
While it may seem cliche, asking a woman how she’s doing is a great conversation starter in public scenarios. It’s low-pressure and quickly opens the door for introductions.
Put your twist on the question to show your personality:
- How’s your day going so far?
- How are you doin’ today/tonight?
- What’s the highlight of your evening?
- What’s up? How are you?
- How’s life treating you today?
- Hello Miss, how are you?
#8 Introduce yourself
Sometimes formality isn’t a bad thing. Introduce yourself with a classic “I’m Rob, nice to meet you.” Keep introductions simple and personalized, for example:
- Hey, I’m Chandler. What’s your name?
- How’s it going? I’m Lee. I come here all the time and have never seen you before.
- My name is Brandon. What’s yours?
- Hello, I’m Jeff. How are you?
Depending on your situation or age, you may want to reach for a light handshake or nod.
#9 Use a conversation starter
So you’ve analyzed a woman’s body language, approached her, and asked her name. Now what? Avoid the boring “where are you from?” or “what do you do?” and use an intriguing conversation starter to get things flowing:
- Tell me about you.
- What’s your story?
- Working on anything exciting lately?
- What are you into?
- Are you having a good day/good time?
- Have you been to this event/bar/restaurant before?
- What kind of music do you like?
Once you’re done with conversation starters, continue that development and dive into this ultimate toolbox on self-improvement. Check out this free goodie today:
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#10 Ask about her passions and interests
Don’t be that guy who spends a whole date going on and on about himself. A conversation with a girl should be a mutual exchange, not a sales pitch of why you’re so great.
Express interest in her by asking:
- What are you passionate about?
- What’s your favorite band/musician lately?
- Do you have any hobbies?
- What’s your favorite thing about where you grew up?
- Do you do anything creative?
- Do you have any pets?
- What motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
When a woman gets to talk about herself, it lights up the same parts of her brain as food, drugs, and sex. Give her a dopamine rush and show that you’re curious about her passions and interests.
#11 Display open body language
In other words, when your body language displays that you are “open” and specific (rather than hiding something or appearing unconfident), ladies are more likely to find you romantically appealing.
Here’s how to do it:
- Stand up straight and roll your shoulders back
- Exaggerate puffing your chest out and lifting your shoulders (just for a moment)
- Then, settle your shoulder blades back against your spine
- Keep your heart and pectoral muscles forward
- Make sure your hands are showing (keeping them in your pocket or hiding them in crossed arms can make you seem less trustworthy)
- Take a deep breath and settle into the posture with a straight spine and relaxed neutral head
#12 Notice a minor detail and ask about it
Guys notice women’s hair, smile, and body all the time. But what about the subtle details? Everything a woman wears or carries is an expression of who she is. When you notice a minor point and ask about it, you can easily thread the conversation into deeper topics, for example:
- (If she has a book next to her) How do you like that book so far?
- (If she has a tattoo) What inspired your tattoo? Where did you get it?
- (If she’s wearing a logo shirt) I love that [band name] shirt. What’s your favorite song by them?
- (If she’s wearing jewelry) That’s a gorgeous necklace. What kind of stone is that? (maybe it’s her birthstone… then you can ask about her birthday, or perhaps it was her grandmother’s, and you can ask about where she grew up)
Pro Tip: Avoid mentioning anything that might make her feel insecure or uncomfortable. For example, don’t point out a scar or facial blemish. And don’t mention her bra strap subtly showing beneath her tank top. Most importantly, don’t say anything that could be perceived as insulting or a “backhanded compliment.”
#13 Offer to buy her a drink
If you’re at a coffee shop, bar, or brewery, buying her drink is a super-easy way to get talking. Spending a few bucks on a coffee or cocktail indicates that you’re a gentleman who is genuinely interested in a conversation.
This also gives you the opportunity to find out a little more about what she likes: black coffee or a latte? Is she into wine—red or white? Fruity cocktails? Be sure to ask her about her selection, especially if it’s unique.
Pro Tip: Be sure she is interested in you before investing any of your drink budgets. If you’re prone to people-pleasing, you’ll go broke trying to buy every pretty girl you see a drink. It helps to initiate a conversation before buying a drink.
#14 Make a joke
Numerous studies have found that women are more attracted to guys who can make them laugh. Cracking a joke lightens the mood and shows your quirky sense of humor. Think of some clever one-liners or charm her with some spur-of-the-moment witty banter. Just be sure you avoid anything offensive or controversial.
While some guys are natural-born comedians, there are quite a few ways you can learn how to be funny. Here are 7 Easy Steps to Improve Your Humor.
#15 Use a corny pick-up line
Speaking of humor, pick-up lines are some of the oldest tricks in the book. When used correctly, they show that you don’t take yourself too seriously and are not afraid to be silly. Context and reading her cues are vital for making this tactic work.
Watch this hilarious Battle of Pickup Lines on Steve Harvey’s show and try one for yourself:
#16 Bring up thought-provoking topics
Studies show that the more physically attractive a woman is, the more likely she is to desire a more intelligent man. Once you warm up to each other, try bringing up intriguing discussion topics like:
- Science/Education: What’s your favorite documentary? What was your favorite topic in school?
- Nature: Do you feel connected to nature? Where’s your favorite natural place you’ve ever been? What’s your favorite plant/flower/tree?
- Books: Have you ever read a book that changed your life? Who is your favorite author?
- History: If you could live in any time period, what would it be?
- Technology: Do you think driverless cars will change society? What’s your opinion on robots and artificial intelligence?
- Business: What’s the most valuable thing you’ve learned in your line of business? Have you ever thought of starting your own business?
- Language: Do you speak any other languages? How did you learn? If you could learn any foreign language, what would it be?
You can bring these questions best after a conversation has already started flowing. Be sure you avoid awkward topics like politics, parents, or exes. Here are 7 Things You Should Never Say on a First Date.
#17 Ask for her suggestion
Who doesn’t like to share their opinion? You can ask a woman for her suggestion in just about any scenario, then build off of her answer for a deeper conversation. For example:
- What’s your opinion on…?
- What’s your favorite thing on the menu here?
- I’m new to town. Are there any spots you think I should check out?
- Do you have a favorite movie or TV show recommendation?
- What song can you not stop listening to? I’d love some playlist suggestions.
- I’ve been looking for a new podcast/book/audiobook. Do you have any suggestions?
#18 Notice more than her looks
Everyone wants to feel physically attractive. But as you get to know women, you will find that they appreciate a man who notices what’s below the surface.
Demonstrate that you’re not only into her for the physical by complimenting:
- Her mind: I like the way you think.
- Her intellect: You are so brilliant. You inspire me to learn more about…
- Her speech: You speak so well. Your voice is so unique.
- Her creativity: I loved that painting/song/poem/article you made. You are so creative.
- Her perspective: I enjoy the way you see the world. It’s always a pleasure to hear about your viewpoint on things.
Remember that these may be a little weird to say to a stranger. This approach works best for continuing a conversation with a woman you’re already slightly acquainted with at work, school, or a social group.
How to Make a Conversation with a Girl Over Text
Once you’ve got a girl’s number or social media handle, you’ve got to pique her interest to keep the conversation going.
Few things are more boring than text conversations that go like this:
- “Hey, wyd?”
- “Not much, you?”
Spice things up with these easy ways to talk to a girl over text message:
#19 Reference something she mentioned
Women value a man who listens to what she has to say. Show that you were paying attention during the last time you talked. Reference an inside joke, a topic, or something she said she was interested in:
- If she says she’s currently in school, ask her what she plans to do after college or her dream career.
- If she mentioned music, ask what playlist she has on repeat today.
- If she mentioned that she likes to travel, ask about her dream destination or if she has any upcoming trips planned.
- If she mentioned astrology, ask what her horoscope said today.
#20 Send a photo of something that reminds you of her
This is a very thoughtful way to express interest in a woman without showering her with gifts or compliments all the time. When you’re out and about, notice when you come across something this girl likes.
Did you see her favorite breed of dog, walk past where you met, or a mural with an inspirational quote you think she’d like? Snap a pic, send it her way, and tell her you’re thinking of her.
#21 Say something flirty or funny
If there is an undeniable sexual attraction between you and a woman, texting can be a great way to build tension. As long as you aren’t too raunchy, these flirty and funny texts could win you some interesting responses:
- The image of you in that dress last night is stuck in my mind.
- I can’t stop smiling when I think about last night.
- Do your legs hurt? Because you’ve been running through my mind all day.
Flirty texts often take women by surprise and make her day a little more interesting. They can also be corny enough to make her smile.
#22 Ask more about her
Get past the small talk and simply dive into more questions about her. Show that you want to know more about her life and her interests. Here are 257 Juicy Questions that you can use to spark a random text conversation and set yourself apart from everyone else in her inbox.
#23 Send her a good morning text
Most girls dream of waking up to a thoughtful, sweet text message from a guy they like. This sets the tone for a great day and (bonus!) also means that you’ll be on their mind. Try something like:
- Good morning gorgeous😍 Hope you have a fantastic day.
- I had the best dream about you. I can’t wait to see you later today❤️
- I hope your morning is as bright and beautiful as your smile.
- I woke up thinking about you. How has your morning been?
- How is the most beautiful woman on earth doing this morning?
Pro Tip: Using emojis in text messages helps portray when you’re joking, being flirty, or
#24 Invite her out
The best connections undeniably happen in person. If you’re not much of a texter, you can build up anticipation and excitement by keeping your text exchanges short. Simply invite her out to a movie, dinner date, or concert, then leave the text cliffhanging for your next interaction.
#25 Avoid these two ultimate texting fails
Perhaps it should go without saying, but you should avoid this two epic text fails at all costs:
- Don’t complain about your emotions, your day, or negative things in your life. Keep things positive so she’ll want to text you more. However, don’t be afraid of being vulnerable, either, if you’re getting into a deep conversation.
- Don’t ask her for photos, especially not naked ones. This is the biggest turn-off for a girl.
Key Takeaways: How to Start Talking to A Girl (With Confidence)
Ultimately, starting a conversation with a woman isn’t rocket science. It comes down to reading her cues, being polite, complimenting her, and expressing interest in her. The most important things to remember are:
- Approach confidently: Most women are seeking an assured man who is solid in his self-esteem and his masculinity. Expansive posture, a purposeful walk, and an assertive voice are crucial to becoming confident.
- Flatter her politely: Women love compliments, especially when you notice something about her that is subtle or specific. Catch her attention with a unique compliment about her beauty or smile, then keep the flattery coming by seeing non-physical attributes like her intellect and unique style.
- Focus on her: Asking about her life and interests is the easiest way to her heart. A lot of men focus too much on themselves. When you’re curious about her, she will probably return the interest.
- Be engaging: Set yourself apart and talk to her about things other guys don’t usually mention. Most women draw themselves to novelty and intellect. If you can make yourself stand out, she won’t forget you.
Starting a conversation with a girl doesn’t have to be complicated or awkward. Be yourself and take solace, knowing there are many (female) fish in the sea. If one conversation goes awry, you can use it as a lesson for the next!
If you want to uplevel your dating game, learn How to Flirt: 8 Tips to Make You The Master at Flirting.