How to Be More Attractive: 25 Rules to Increase Attraction

Have you ever wondered how to be more attractive? Attraction isn’t only about looks.

Attractive people have a certain primal magnetism.

Of course, we can be physically attracted to someone, but we are more often drawn to their confidence, passion, and personality. Being attractive is about more than just appearance.

Not only is attraction the basis of finding a romantic partner, but we are also…

• attracted to work with certain people
• attracted to certain friendships
• attracted to certain types of ideas
• attracted to certain coffee shops because we like their vibe, their menu, or their location

Attractiveness is an essential part of understanding what motivates people. But first, how good are you at reading body language? Reading attraction cues is just as important as being attractive. Watch the video to find out what makes you attractive:

If you want to make people want you, if you want to be attractive, if you want to understand people, you need to learn:

The Law of Attraction

I want to redefine the law of attraction. Attraction is about being available and drawing the right people, ideas, and opportunities to you.

First, what is attraction? Attraction is when we are interested in, intrigued by, or feel the urge to gravitate toward something or someone.

Attraction is not only about looks, either. It is about availability + confidence.

Here are my best tips:

The Single Most Attractive Trait

What turns you on? Eyes? Humor? Legs?

Research shows that a person’s most attractive trait is their availability. Confidence is a plus, too, but availability wins, hands down.

• In dating, it is about physical availability: “Will this person mate with me?”
• With friends and long-term romantic partners, it is about emotional availability: “Will this person open up to me?”
• For business, it is about economic and intellectual availability: “Will this person work with me?”

The best way to show availability—whether it is at a networking event, party, business meeting, or date—is by demonstrating availability.

• Use open body language
• Make more eye contact
• Smile at people you are interested in
• Angle your body towards the person you are speaking with
• more on these below…

Showing up is NOT enough! You have to show people you are emotionally available to connect.

Show people you want to connect, talk, and start a relationship. A woman at an event once asked me: “Isn’t it obvious that I’m available to connect? I’m here, aren’t I?”

Well, there’s a psychology term called signal amplification bias. In a nutshell, signal amplification bias^{1 https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2003-02410-010} is when people tend to think their flirting cues are obvious to others. But in fact, they are not.

This means you really have to make your nonverbals obvious, or it’s likely others won’t pick up on them.

Action Step: At your next social event, make a point of telling people why you are there and what you are looking for. Something like:

• “I’m excited to meet you because I was hoping to make some really interesting connections at this event.”
• “This event is going great. I came wanting to stir up some business, and I have already passed out a few business cards. May I give you one?”

We don’t realize that our availability isn’t as obvious as we think. Try showing it, and you will be pleasantly surprised at how welcoming and curious people are in return.

So how do you show availability? Read on…

Use Open Body Language

Are you closing yourself off to others? We might close our body language and seem unavailable without even realizing it:

• crossed arms
• clutching a wine glass in front of our stomach
• checking a phone in front of our chest
• hugging a purse to our center

We actually close our body language when we are feeling mentally closed off, and people can see this a mile away.

If you want to look more attractive, you don’t have to change your looks—you simply have to change your body language to be more open. Body language research^{2 https://www.amazon.com/Human-Lie-Detection-Body-Language/dp/1482040239/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1384986470&sr=1-1&keywords=vanessa+van+edwards} has shown that keeping your torso, chest, and abdomen open to the world is the best way to show availability.

Open body language is more attractive than any outfit, hairstyle, or dance move.

Female and male body language also differ. Here is an overview of female body language to watch out for:

An interesting story about how open body language and open-mindedness go hand in hand: I was people-watching at a networking event, and watched a man and woman chatting. At the beginning of the conversation, the woman was holding her purse in front of her chest, and the man was holding his wine glass in front of him. At one point, the man made a joke, and both of them began to laugh. You could see them emotionally relax and open up. At that moment, the woman swung her purse over her shoulder and opened up her body language. In the very next second, the man placed his glass on the cocktail table next to them and pulled out a business card. They continued speaking the rest of the night.

*If you want to add sexuality to your attractiveness you can also expose your neck (think Marilyn Monroe tilting her head back and laughing).

From a body language perspective, an open, exposed, or stroked neck is not only more sensual but also releases tantalizing pheromones. See more about this in the video above.

Remove Barriers

Purse and cup behavior is a common form of blocking, too. It is how someone interacts with their environment, based on their emotions.

For example, if a woman is feeling uncomfortable or not attracted to someone, she will either clutch her bag tightly or place it in front of or covering her body. When a woman is attracted, she literally and figuratively wants nothing to stand in the way between her and her lover.

Both men and women will also do the same with their drinking cup, using it as a barrier to block out others.

If she loosely holds her purse, and it is not blocking her front, this shows she is at ease and feels more attraction. Better yet, if she puts it on the floor, on a nearby table, or on the back of the chair, she wants it out of the way for her interactions with you.*

*Please note context here: if you are in a very public or potentially dangerous location, she could be gripping her purse for safety concerns, but in a casual place or on a date, this can be a good indicator.

I was actually at a singles event the other night and watched a man and woman talking. The woman had her purse partially blocking her body and was gripping the handle tightly under her arm. Then the man told her he was a doctor, and the woman literally swung her purse up and over her shoulder, out of the way. It was amazing.

Want more body language cues? Here’s our best resource:

Front with People of Interest

Fronting, or squaring up, is when you square up your body so you are directly facing a person. When you front someone, you are signaling attraction and interest. It says, “I am here, and you are the center of my attention.”

When you front someone, they are the center of your universe.

When fronting, keep in mind the 3 Ts:

• Toes
• Torso
• Top (or head)

Pro Tip: Sometimes, you can’t front. Maybe you’re seated next to each other or in a crowded venue where your torsos are facing the same direction. If that’s the case, read on to find out how to show availability and openness without having to front…

Pick The Right Seat At Dinner

Picture this: You’ve got a dinner date coming up. Say you’re going to Chipotle, Olive Garden, or the Ritz (totally different price points, I know).

You’re with your partner, and there’s a table in front of you. They sit on one of the chairs. Where do you sit for optimum attraction?

1. Seat A
2. Seat B
3. Seat C
4. None of the above

Lean In to Show Engagement

Leaning toward someone is a nonverbal way of telling them you are engaged. This works especially well if you are in a group of people, and you are interested in one person in the group. This will subconsciously “pull” them in your direction and nonverbally say, “I like you the most!”

Pro Tip: Are there objects like a chair or desk in the way? Maneuver yourself or move the objects so you can lean forward without the clutter.

Heart Beat Patterns
“He makes my heart race” is no cliché. Studies have found that when someone is near an attractive person, their heart rate increases.

AND this works both ways. Researchers tried increasing someone’s heart rate, and then putting them near a stranger. This then artificially made the stranger seem even more attractive. People seem more attractive when our heart is racing.

Now, I wouldn’t recommend taking someone’s pulse on a date or in a bar, but if you can see someone’s breathing rate increase, and you can feel the heat of their palm when you are holding their hand, then you might want to go in for a kiss.

Lean In to Show Engagement

Leaning toward someone is a nonverbal way of telling them you are engaged. This works especially well if you are in a group of people, and you are interested in one person in the group. This will subconsciously “pull” them in your direction and nonverbally say, “I like you the most!”

Pro Tip: Are there objects like a chair or desk in the way? Maneuver yourself or move the objects so you can lean forward without the clutter.

Heart Beat Patterns

“He makes my heart race” is no cliché. Studies have found that when someone is near an attractive person, their heart rate increases.

AND this works both ways. Researchers tried increasing someone’s heart rate, and then putting them near a stranger. This then artificially made the stranger seem even more attractive. People seem more attractive when our heart is racing.

Now, I wouldn’t recommend taking someone’s pulse on a date or in a bar, but if you can see someone’s breathing rate increase, and you can feel the heat of their palm when you are holding their hand, then you might want to go in for a kiss.

Eye Gazing

Eye gazing is the powerful, intimate act of staring into someone’s eyes for a long period of time. When they stare back at you, oxytocin, or the “love hormone,” increases.

In a study, random strangers were asked to stare into each other’s eyes for 2 minutes without breaking eye contact. They reported “increased feelings of passionate love for each other.”

Eye gaze is so powerful that it doesn’t only work in humans—it works with dogs, too. In another study, dogs were trained to gaze into their owners’ eyes. After receiving those gazes, both the owner and the dog had elevated oxytocin levels.

Cool, right? Eye gaze works for increasing attraction because oxytocin is literally produced in the heart.

When your body releases oxytocin, you literally feel it in the heart.

Pro Tip: Whatever you do, don’t stare TOO much. An intimacy equilibrium model by Argyle and Dean says if you stare too much, the other person will look less^nchi. My favorite technique I used back in my college days is to make eye contact, hold the contact for 3 seconds, then give a wink and look away while smiling.
During a conversation, the ideal amount of eye contact is between 60–70% of the time. You can even make less eye contact when you’re talking and more while listening.

The Wait-And-Smile

You might have heard that smiling is a good thing. And it is! I smile all the time because I’m genuinely happy and interested to meet new people. However, you CAN overdo it. There’s a spectrum of smiling that you should try to stay in. I call this the Smile-o-meter.

On a scale of 1–10, how much do you smile in a conversation? My sweet spot for smiling is a 7. Research shows that people who smile more often have less status and less power¹.

Betas tend to smile. Alphas do not.

You usually want to smile more than not, but there’s a trick to the Smile-o-meter. Use the wait-and-smile approach:

• Wait until you’ve been introduced in a conversation or are introducing yourself before smiling.
• Then, as you shake your acquaintance’s hand and say their name, smile broadly, as if hearing their name brought a smile to your face.

In this way, others will feel as if their name was so appealing to you that it made you smile brightly. Others will “catch” your delight and happiness, causing a genuine ripple effect of attraction.

Action Step: Where is your smile on the Smile-o-meter? In your next conversation, rate yourself out of 10. Try to increase or decrease to make it an optimal 7.

Use a Vigilant Style

Wait, hold up… Are you planning on doing all these cues? There’s a trick to doing them…

to maximize your attraction…

and that is… to do them… sloooowly.

In a 2011 study, researchers found that it’s actually good to use a vigilant style of nonverbals when you first meet someone new. What does this mean? Vigilance means:

• using smaller gestures with more precise movements
• using slower talking speed and movements
• leaning backward instead of forward

In other words, play it cool.

This might even go against some body language cues you’ve learned so far. However, think of it like the “testing phase” of a relationship. When you first meet someone, you’re a stranger to them. So you don’t want to come off too strong.

After enough rapport is built up, and you start to get more comfortable, more forward and direct attraction cues can be used. You’ll notice, when it’s time to ramp up the intimacy, if their body language starts to open up.

Don’t Seek

How many times have you been at a big social event, and you’ve seen a couple of people standing together, uninterested in their own conversation, and looking outwards for anything to cure their boredom?

Way to be a mood killer! Gazing out toward the crowd isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it conveys your interest lies elsewhere (aka not with yourself). Signaling this way shows to others that you’re actively NOT having fun or entertaining yourself.

Instead, imagine if you saw 2 people enjoying themselves!

Which group looks like the one you’d want to join? I’d definitely take the second one in a heartbeat. So to really effortlessly attract people to you, you’ve got to bring the fun to yourself.

• Be engaged. No matter where you are, be truly engaged with whomever you’re with. Have a blast. Crack a joke. Others who notice you may want to join in on the fun, too!
• Entertain yourself. Alone? No worries! You can entertain yourself by interacting with whoever’s nearby—the bartender, the staff, even random strangers. Or, you can even pull up your phone and find what’s interesting to you. I’ve had a couple conversations start this way, where I was simply browsing my phone, and people wanted to know why I was laughing so much.

Mirroring Body Language

Mirroring is when you subtly copy the body language of the other person. The consensus is that mirroring is H.O.T.

In one study, men rated a woman more sexually attractive if she had mimicked his verbal and nonverbal behavior during speed dating^nchi. We tend to subconsciously mirror people if we like them. The key to mirroring is being subtle—obvious mirroring can actually break rapport and decrease attraction.

If someone leans back on the wall, lean back, too. If they prop up their leg in a figure 4, do that as well.

Action Step: Read our list of 16 Essential Body Language Examples and Their Meanings to get your nonverbal cues on track to open up.

Have Congruent Facial Expressions

What does your face look like when it’s resting? Unfortunately, mine is the classic resting bitch face (RBF). Others might have a “blank stare” that looks like they’re watching paint dry. But just imagine if someone’s looking around the room, ready and excited to talk to someone new, and they see this:

Not so engaging, right!?

Look curious and interested in the environment, groove to the music, be starry eyed, and smile—these small cues will go a long way to becoming more approachable. But it’s not as simple as changing your facial expression. You’ve got to be congruent.

What is congruence? In a nutshell, congruence is being the same inside and out.

To be more attractive, your body language and facial expressions must be congruent.

For example, if you go up to a girl and give her an eyebrow flash and smile, but you’re sweating profusely from nervousness, and your feet are pointed toward the exit because you’re deathly afraid… you’re being totally incongruent!

We’ve got internal radars that go off whenever we’re around incongruent people:

• the “tough guy” who tries to act confident but only comes off as uncaring and overcompensating
• the girl who tries to act popular but deep down, she’s really insecure and unconfident
• the friend who tries to act nice but is actually toxic and hates you

It’s much better to be honest about your nervousness. So if your face is just bleh, accept yourself, and you’ll come off as more genuine and likable. Trust me—I’ve been in the situation where I’ve tried to fake my confidence. It never worked.

Action Step: Who are you trying to portray? People can sniff out incongruency a mile away. Always try to act like yourself, and don’t assume an “ideal” version of yourself. The next time you’re out, try to express the emotions that you truly feel.

The 5 in 15 Rule

The 5 in 15 rule of flirting is to touch someone 5 times within 15 minutes^{JanineDriverYouSayMore}. The touch can be when you first approach someone, and you can sprinkle touches here and there when you make a joke or share laughter. Pick your area of touch:

• The arm. This is a safe place that I like to start out with. The upper arm is the safest; going closer to the hand gets closer to intimacy.
• The shoulder is a more vulnerable area since it’s closer to the neck, but can be used if it’s a quick tap. Touching here is best reserved for if you’ve built strong rapport.
• The body. Avoid the body unless you’re ready to ramp up the intimacy.

The 5 in 15 rule is great because unexpected touch releases tiny doses of dopamine.

Touch is so necessary that even members of the lowest caste in India were called untouchables^nchi. Unexpected touch is even better because it actually makes our heart rate increase.

Use unexpected touches to increase arousal and excitement throughout your conversation^nchi.

Pro Tip: Gauge your touch. You don’t want to touch someone who isn’t welcoming it. Women indicated touch from a stranger is the greatest invasion of privacy, while men felt the same when it came from another man^nchi. If their body language is relaxed and open and immediately closes after your touch, then it’s a good sign your touch is uninvited.

The Right Side

Did you know there is a preferred side we like people to be on^{JanineDriverYouSayMore}? It’s either our left side of our body or our right side. If people are on my WRONG side, I feel more awkward and clumsier than usual.

Why do we have a “preferred” side? The OLD theory states:

• Handshake acts as an anchor.
• When we shake hands, we create unconscious positive emotions, and typically, we are on the person’s right side when we shake hands.
• Standing on this side recreates these emotions unconsciously.

When a person is honest and cooperative, stand to their right to build trust with them. When someone is closing down or being deceptive, stand to their left to break rapport and create tension and stress.

Action Step: Do you notice a person acting weirder or more insecure than usual when you’re standing on one side? Try switching over to the other side. Use transitions to make it less obvious:

• Grab a napkin or drink.
• Go to the bathroom.
• Sip some water.

If they start perking right up, that’s a good sign you’re on their right side. Test each side for 30 seconds to 2 minutes, then test again to confirm their right side.

You can even ask your partners or friends their seat preferences the next time you hang out at a restaurant or the movies. Move from one side to the other, and see if you notice nervous or tense gestures.

Their Feet Like You

The feet serve as a direct reflection of a person’s attitude. The key is recognizing where a person’s feet are pointed. When the feet are pointed directly toward another person, this is a sign of attraction, or at the very least, genuine interest. If, on the other hand, the feet are pointed away or toward the exit, that is a sign that attraction is probably not there.

Here’s the bottom line: Attraction isn’t just about looks. You become more attractive when you draw people in with your personality and your charisma. Attractive nonverbals help a lot as well! Be sure to use these cues to be more attractive to everyone you meet.

Want to know even more cues to look for when reading male and female body language? Head on over to our ultimate guides:

• Reading Male Body Language: 18 Signs He Secretly Likes You
• Examples of Female Body Language of Attraction

Claiming Space

A great way to build your confidence and attraction is to take up space. Imagine the most attractive person in the room—are they likely hiding in the corner, curled up in a ball? Probably not.

The attractive and confident person is expansive. They’re big. And they take up a lot of visual space. Try expanding yourself:

• Rest your arms on the armrests.
• Widen your legs.
• Put your belongings on objects to “claim them.”

You can also integrate space through your environment by the technique of keep moving. Think in your past to one of the longest, funnest days you’ve ever had. For me, that was when I took a recent trip to the beach with Sienna and my husband to a new beach house! And chances are, your experience also involves novelty and different experiences.

And here’s where the idea of keeping moving comes into play…

Different environments create different, novel experiences.

For example, have you ever been on a coffee date or business meeting, and it seemed to last for hours on end? This isn’t a bad sign, but you likely remember it as one distinct experience.

Now contrast that with another date where you move to 3 places:

• First, you start in the office.
• Then, you move to a coffee shop.
• Afterward, you bring your partner to a dessert cafe.

Notice how in each of the 3 different locations, you can invite new feelings and emotions.

Perhaps you might have even noticed that car dealers do this a lot. They meet you at an open lot to discuss the features of a car. Then take you to the lobby to wait before the test drive. Then to the office, then to the car again. This gives you the feeling of considering purchasing for a long time^{JanineDriverYouSayMore}.

This works not only in business, but also in creating intimate relationships, as well. Singles on dates should do this to “feel” like they’ve known each other longer than they actually do.

Action Step: Before your next big date or business meeting, plan out 3 different locations you can move to. Pivot to new locations if there’s a lull in conversation, or you want to shift to a brand new topic of conversation. Keep them on their toes. Keep moving!

Gesture With Your Hands

We love to see people’s hands. Studies have found^{3 https://www.amazon.com/dp/0061438294/ref=as_li_qf_sp_asin_til?tag=rrulecom-20&camp=14573&creative=327641&linkCode=as1&creativeASIN=0061438294&adid=1K2M087QMWXKH5AYYD7K&&ref-refURL=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.scienceofpeople.com%2Fthe-psychology-of-attraction%2F} that when we can’t see people’s hands, we have trouble trusting them. When you put your hands in your pockets, tuck them under the table, or hide them behind a coat, your attractiveness decreases because you’re instantly creating warning signals to others.

Instead, always have your hands showing. Studies show^{4 https://www.pnas.org/content/113/15/4009} the best gestures to use in dating situations are expansive ones. These gestures increase your perceived openness and even dominance, in some cases.

Action Step: Want to know the best hand gestures you can use right now? Head on over to the list of best hand gestures you should know.

Stop Being Boring

Our brains are like really hungry toddlers. They are easily bored and they demand to be fed with entertaining nuggets. Being “hot” simply isn’t enough.

New York Times bestselling author and developmental molecular biologist John Medina discovered that the brain has a very short attention span. Our brains are attracted to people and things that are intriguing, interesting, and engaging. Luckily, you are an intriguing, interesting, and engaging person!

It’s attractive to be interesting.

Yes, I have met thousands of people at speaking events, conferences, and networking parties—and I have never met a single boring person.

Sometimes we act boring because we are afraid of being seen as “weird” or “different.” So we have the same mind-numbingly boring social scripts:

• “What do you do?”
• “Where are you from?”
• “How’s the weather?”

We don’t share how we really feel, we hide our quirks, and we try to fit in. But you know what? Fitting in sucks! It’s dull and unattractive.

Our fear of not fitting in makes us boring.

Scientific research has shown us that there are tools we can use to fight the boring, increase our attractiveness, and make us more memorable. How do we do this? We learn how to be interesting.

Action Step: Learn the 5 Steps to Be More Interesting.

Flash Your Eyebrows

You know how you subconsciously lift both of your eyebrows for a split second when you see someone you know?

That’s the eyebrow flash. It’s a universal sign of recognition, but in a romantic context, it can mean a lot more. 

When you see someone you’re interested in, give a quick eyebrow flash. It sends a clear, “Hey, I noticed you!” signal, but in a more subtle (and less cringey) way than a wink.

In conversation, you can utilize the eyebrow flash in a slower, more exaggerated manner to signal that you’re listening and engaged. 

Pro Tip: Don’t overdo it! A single flash is enough. Multiple raises might make you look like you’re doing a bizarre eyebrow dance.

Find Things in Common

We’ve all heard the saying “opposites attract.” But when it comes to human attraction, it doesn’t hold true at all!

Research^{5 https://www.apa.org/pubs/journals/releases/psp-pspi0000425.pdf} shows that we actually tend to be attracted to people who are similar to us. This effect was more profound in people who believed they have a “core essence” that drives their likes and dislikes.

More concretely, the idea that “like attracts like” is a heavily documented biological phenomenon called “assortative mating.” We can see it all around us: people tend to date others with similar hobbies, values, education levels, personalities and even physical features. 

The takeaway? Ask questions, find those commonalities, and take it from there!

Action Step: When meeting new people, look for shared interests or values and highlight those similarities in conversation. This could be anything from favorite books or music to deeper values and worldviews. 

Offer Genuine and Unique Compliments

Everybody loves a good compliment, especially when they’re engaging with a potential romantic partner. 

But skip the generic “you look nice” and opt for something a bit more… interesting. A study^{6 https://www.nature.com/articles/srep40871} found that women preferred men who used metaphors or similes in their complements over straightforward, literal language. 

Yep, that means it’s time to finally put those high school English lessons to good use and channel your inner Shakespeare!

Try something like, “your eyes are like morning dew” (yes, that was actually one of the complements used in the study!) over “your eyes are pretty.” It might feel a bit awkward or unintuitive, but the science says women love it.

It goes both ways too! Men typically don’t receive as many compliments as women do, so making the effort to point out something you like about him is a great way to spark his interest. 

Pro Tip: A genuine compliment is about noticing and appreciating something unique about the person. Don’t just stash a bank of metaphors in your mind and whip them out willy-nilly. It needs to come from somewhere authentic; find something you like and challenge yourself to come up with something creative on the sport! 

Nod Slowly

When someone’s speaking, make sure to nod slowly. Nodding slowly and deliberately while maintaining eye contact shows you’re actively listening and engaged. 

It’s a powerful non-verbal cue that says, “I’m interested in what you’re saying.”

Look at the way The Rock even incorporates the eyebrow flash and a seductive smile as he nods. It’s no wonder he’s considered one of the most charismatic men in the world!

Caution: Don’t turn into a bobblehead! Rapid, over-enthusiastic nodding can convey nervousness or over-eagerness. 

Remember to… Pause

Ever watched a nervous presenter pepper a speech with a few too many “umms” and you just sat there feeling a little uncomfortable, unable to focus on the substance of their talk?

That happens in conversation too. Speaking too fast and using too many filler words can indicate nervousness or uncertainty. 

Instead, try slowing down and utilizing well-timed pauses. It shows confidence, authority and can be incredibly attractive.  

Action Step: Next time you give a presentation or speech, make a conscious effort to replace every filler word with a pause. This practice will carry over onto your next date!

Smell Nice

Our sense of smell plays a crucial role in attraction, often operating on a subconscious level.

Rooted in our evolutionary psychology, studies^{7 https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0301211504004749} have shown that certain scents can increase attractiveness and even influence mood.

For men: Light, musky scents^{8 http://mail.ejhs.org/volume14/Rose.htm} have been found to be particularly appealing to women. Scents with notes of vanilla or lavender can also increase attractiveness.

For women: Floral and fruity scents tend to be well-received by men. Surprisingly, the scent of pumpkin pie has been shown to be particularly arousing for men!

Action Step: Experiment with different fragrances to find one that suits you!

Pro Tip: Your natural scent plays a role too. Eating a healthy diet, staying hydrated, and avoiding strong-smelling foods can positively influence your natural odor.

Harness The Power of Your Voice

Like smell, the sound of your voice can powerfully sway a potential partner’s interest in you.

It’ll come as no surprise that studies have found that women find lower-pitched voices in men more attractive, while men prefer higher-pitched voices in women. 

But don’t fret if you’re not blessed with a naturally low- or high-pitched voice. Research^{9 https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S1090513819301850} has also shown that artificially lowering or raising your pitch is effective in increasing your attractiveness!

Action Step: Believe it or not, it’s actually possible to change the pitch of your voice. Here are some exercises to try for both a lower and higher pitch:

For males to deepen their voice:

• Humming exercises: Start with a comfortable pitch and gradually lower it while humming. Focus on feeling the vibrations in your chest. 
• Chest voice speaking: Practice speaking from your chest rather than your throat. Place your hand on your chest and try to feel it vibrate as you speak. 
• Yawn-sigh technique: Simulate a yawn and then exhale with a deep “ahh” sound. This helps relax your throat and lower your pitch. 
• Glottal fry practice: Speak in a very low, creaky voice (like the Kardashians) to strengthen the lower registers of your voice. 
• Diaphragmatic breathing: Practice deep breathing from your diaphragm to support a fuller, deeper voice.

For females to raise their pitch:

• Sirens: Start at your lowest comfortable pitch and slide up to your highest, like a siren. Then reverse it. 
• Head voice exercises: Practice speaking from your “head voice” rather than your chest. Imagine the sound coming from the top of your head. 
• Lip trills: Make a “brrr” sound with your lips while sliding from low to high pitches. 
• Squeaky door exercise: Imitate the sound of a squeaky door hinge, starting low and going higher. 
• Nasal resonance: Practice speaking with more nasal resonance, which can help achieve a higher pitch.

Mirror Their Laugh

Laughter is contagious and attractive. When someone laughs, mirror their laughter (genuinely, of course). This creates a sense of connection and shows you share their sense of humor. 

Additionally, a study^{10 https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC9247916/} found that laughing in the early stages of courtship can convey a sense of emotional vulnerability and sensitivity that’s conducive to progression in the relationship!

Pro Tip: Don’t force it. If you don’t find something funny, a genuine smile can work just as well.

…Pause Before You Speak

Yes, we’re mentioning pausing twice because it’s that important! 

This time, we’re talking about pausing before you respond to a question. 

Beyond showing that you’re thoughtful, it also helps you formulate your ideas and sound more eloquent—an extremely attractive trait!^{11 https://www.nature.com/articles/s41598-023-29173-z} For example, see Steve Jobs’s long pause before responding to this (insulting) question:

Action Step: Count to two in your head before responding to a question. It’s a small change that can make a big difference in how you’re perceived.

The Confidence of Admitting Ignorance

No one likes a know-it-all—especially when that person doesn’t, in fact, know it all. 

Admitting when you don’t know something can be very attractive. Perhaps counterintuitively, it shows confidence, humility and a willingness to learn. Indeed, a 2014 study^{12 https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2014-15097-004} found that humility facilitates the initiation and maintenance of romantic relationships. 

Instead of bluffing, try saying, “I don’t know much about that. Can you tell me more?”

How to Be Approached in a Bar

Have you ever been at a bar and stood there waiting… and waiting… and waiting some more? The thing is, your body language might not convey openness. Instead of blocking people out, try to turn your torso away from the bar and toward the center of the room or where most of the people are.

Remember, you also want to avoid seeking behaviors, so don’t go searching the room for someone to come approach you. Look like you’re having fun, even if you’re all alone!

How to Be Attractive As a Man

How do you rate your own attractiveness as a man? Here are some tips to maximize your attraction:

#1: Look Smart

In a survey of 5,500 singles between 21 and 76, a whopping 63% of people said an unclean appearance was their biggest relationship deal breaker. Before even considering approaching anyone, you’ve got to be groomed and prepared:

• Get fresh breath. Want to know one of MY biggest turnoffs? A horrible case of halitosis. Make sure to brush your tongue before going out, and always carry a couple mints in your back pocket. Some mints with sugars leave your mouth even stinkier afterward, so make sure to invest in quality lozenges like TheraBreath mints.
• Clean those fingernails. Check your nails right now. Do you bite them? Is there gunk from last night’s mud wrestling match? How do your cuticles look? You may not care, but others might. Consider using a nail file to trim those rough nails, and consider kicking the habit of nail biting.
• Prep your clothes. You don’t have to suit up, but if you’re dressing to impress, it might be a good idea to iron your shirt, clean your shoes (baby wipes work wonders!), and use a lint roller to get rid of those random pieces of lint.
• Style your hair. Depending on your hair, you can slick it back for a clean/professional look, or add some gel to give it some volume and texture. And yes, washing your hair is a must.

#2: Be The Center of Attention

Approaching strangers directly may not be the best choice. This is a mistake men often make.

Why? Because you’re literally pitting yourself against them.

Instead, go inside the group (by ordering a drink and turning around, excusing yourself in, etc.), and be in the middle^{JanineDriverYouSayMore}. This accomplishes 2 things:

1. You’ll look like a leader and appear with others, not against them.
2. Other people who see you in a bar will see you as having increased value.

Going inside the group takes a lot of courage, so if you don’t have the confidence to do that yet, no worries! Slowly work your way up, and one day, you will get there.

#3: Guiding Touch

You can put a hand on the small of your partner’s back, just above the pants, if they are your romantic interest. You can use the guiding touch as long as you are moving toward a door. Hold your hand on the small of their back for up to 7 seconds, and use a solid/firm pressure—the same pressure you’d use to push a shopping cart^{JanineDriverYouSayMore}.

Pro Tip: Use the guiding touch sparingly, and don’t use it more than once in a short period of time.

#4: Use Calm Scents

Which scents are women attracted to the most? The smell of adventure, pine trees, and manly perspiration? Think again. According to research^{13 https://www.businesswire.com/news/home/20050207005375/en/Smell-Research-Love-Air-Smell-Taste-Expert} , women are actually attracted to baby powder and cucumber. Unfortunately, you might be a little weird carrying around a cucumber. However, baby powder can be used as a great underarm antiperspirant!

How to Be Attractive As a Woman

To be attractive as a woman, you’ve got to send the right signals. Here are some cues you can use to your advantage:

#1: The Push-Pull

When you’re joking around and having a good time, don’t go in for the play hit. I see this one a lot, especially in teens. Some women even hit hard, but this is an instant rapport breaker for many people since it signals aggression.

Research^{14 https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10919-024-00455-y} actually shows that men tend to perceive touch from opposite-gender strangers more favorably than women do. You can do the push-pull method: grab their arm and push them away, slowly releasing their arm. The push-pull should last a minimum of 3 seconds. It’s a great way to build your touch connection without hurting them.

However, keep in mind the push-pull can also be rapport breaking depending on the situation, especially if you haven’t developed enough rapport yet.

#2: Use Yummy Scents

Do you use scents in your attraction arsenal? According to the previous research^{15 https://aanos.org/human-male-sexual-response-to-olfactory-stimuli/} , there are specific scents that men are attracted to. Men had the highest arousal increase of 40% when they smelled pumpkin pie combined with a lavender scent. Cinnamon also works well. However, perfume does not work well, with the highest of only a 3% increase.

Action Step: To maximize this research, try applying a natural lavender oil to your wrists and neck area. Stock up your car and purse with pumpkin pie air fresheners, and order any desserts that have cinnamon, for maximum effectiveness.

#3: Flushed and Blushed

When we are attracted to someone, blood will flow to our face, causing our cheeks to get red. It is an evolutionary way the body tries to attract the opposite sex. This is why women wear blush. This blood flow also happens with lips and eyes. The redder the lips and the whiter the eyes, the more fertile and attractive someone is.

In fact, a study in a bar setting showed that women wearing red lipstick received more solicitations from men and were approached more quickly compared to other lipstick colors or no lipstick. Male patrons even gave about 50% higher tips to waitresses wearing red lipstick compared to other colors.

Action Step: Wear red lipstick. Red is the color that has been shown^{16 https://www.researchgate.net/publication/265880868_Does_Red_Lipstick_Really_Attract_Men_An_Evaluation_in_a_Bar} to attract the most invitations.

How to Turn People On (The Nice Way)

Alright, so we’ve covered the basics of attraction. Time to get spicier. 

Want to know how to really turn someone on? Here are some science-backed tips to amp up the attraction:

The Attraction of Attraction 

Here’s a mind-bender for you: people are more attracted to those who find them attractive. It’s called reciprocal liking^{17 https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/between-you-and-me/202009/the-role-of-reciprocity-in-attraction} . 

So, do you find the person you’re talking to attractive? Don’t be afraid to show it!

Pro Tip: Don’t fake it! Genuine interest is key here. Find something you truly appreciate about the person and let them know.

The Power of Importance 

Leading psychologist John Dewey^{18 https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/9587476-dr-dewey-said-that-the-deepest-urge-in-human-nature#:~:text=Sign%20Up%20Now-,Dr.,about%20it%20in%20this%20book.} discovered that beyond basic needs, there’s one thing every person on Earth craves: to feel important. When you fulfill someone’s desire to feel cherished and valued, you become incredibly attractive to them.

Action Step: In your next conversation, approach with the goal of making the other person feel valued. Ask questions about what they find important and push their ideas further by asking “why” and “how” more than “what” and “when.”

Be Totally Engaged

Commit to being fully present in your interactions. That means no fake bathroom trips, no checking your “very important” emails, and no looking over their head for someone more interesting.

Pro Tip: Practice active listening and nodding slowly (remember that tip?) when engaging in conversation.

The Allure of Body Language 

Remember, non-verbal communication is just as important as verbal communication! Use this to your advantage:

Try This: Keep your toes pointed towards the person speaking. It seems silly, but our brains pick up on foot direction as a sign of interest. It’s like nonverbally saying, “I’m with you! Keep going!”

The Art of Subtle Innuendo

Subtle innuendo can be a fun way to create some playful tension and escalate things once mutual attraction has been established. 

Of course, remember that you’re trying to be clever and playful, not crude! Monitor the vibes of the interaction and the body language of your conversation partner, ensuring that you’re respecting the other person’s comfort level and mutual interest.  

The Power of Red 

Now, let’s add some visual appeal. Studies^{19 https://www.verywellmind.com/the-color-psychology-of-red-2795821#:~:text=The%20Color%20Red%20Symbolizes%20Passion,attractive%20by%20the%20opposite%20sex.} show that wearing red can increase attractiveness. 

It’s the color of love and roses, passion and desire. At the physiological level, it stimulates excitement^{20 https://doi.org/10.1002/col.21949} by increasing heart rate and blood pressure.

And it’s not just for women either—men in red^{21 https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2010/08/red-attraction} are perceived as more attractive too!

Action Step: Next time you’re dressing to impress, incorporate a pop of red into your outfit. It doesn’t have to be head-to-toe—even a red accessory can do the trick.

Be The Durian

If you’re worried that your genetics screwed your chances for attraction success, don’t worry! I’m going to let you in on a secret…

What is the most important way to be attractive? I prefer being the durian.

Now if you’ve ever had a durian, then you either love durian or hate it. If you have NO idea what the heck a durian is, let me explain: it’s a tropical fruit grown in Asian countries. It has a spiky exterior shell and soft, yellow flesh on the inside. It also has a reputation for being absolutely pungent and similar in smell to a trash can.

So here’s a funny durian story…

Back in my college traveling days, I was waiting at the American embassy and saw a rather strange tattoo on the calf muscle of the guy in front of me. Upon looking closer… it was a tattoo of a durian! We talked, and he said durian was his absolute favorite food in the world—he loved it so much he one day said, “Yep! I’m getting a durian tattoo.”

Now that right there is dedication! I actually love durian (but my husband despises it). But the moral of the story is…

Whoever you are, someone will love you.

So if you’ve done everything in this guide:

• You’ve worked on your approach.
• You’ve nailed your attractive body language.
• You’ve mastered your social skills.

… but you STILL can’t find someone…

Be patient, and be yourself!

It’s just a matter of finding the right person, not the most people!

And if you liked this guide, feel free to leave a comment or check our article here: The First Impression Cue Men and Women Find Most Attractive